Many women wonder how to stay married to a covert narcissist. Here are 8 things that may make the situation more tolerable for you.
How To Stay Married To A Covert Narcissist Without Going Crazy
Before we jump into the strategies, it’s important to understand what covert narcissism is. Unlike overt narcissists who are openly arrogant and entitled, covert narcissists are more subtle in their approach. They may appear shy or even introverted, but their need for admiration and lack of empathy make them miserable to be around. The trick is to avoid him, while not tipping him off. Here’s how to do that:
1. Always Have Something Else You Need to Do
Being constantly available can sometimes feed into a narcissist’s need for control. Keep yourself busy with activities, hobbies, or simply some alone time. This will give you space to breathe.
Whether it’s as simple as reading in the other room or attending a yoga class, having something else to do can help you maintain your autonomy.
2. Limit Conversations to Shallow Topics
Engaging in deep or meaningful conversations can sometimes lead to manipulation or emotional exhaustion when you’re trying to stay married to a covert narcissist. Stick to light topics like the weather, TV shows, or similar non-confrontational subjects. This can help preserve your energy and prevent unnecessary conflicts.
3. Avoid Problem Solving with Them
One common trait of narcissists is unwillingness to take responsibility for problems. Attempting to solve issues together will only lead to frustration. Instead, focus on what you can control and manage your expectations around conflict resolution.
4. Never Attribute Problems to Them
Covert narcissists are likely to become defensive if you confront them about their poor behavior. Avoid attributing issues directly to them. Instead, find solutions that work for you, without talking to them about the problem. It’s better if they think you’re happy and satisfied, regardless of how empty you feel. Fill yourself up with relationships with friends or family.
5. Don’t Question Their Motives
Questioning a covert narcissist about their intentions can lead to denial and deflection. It’s often more productive to accept their actions for what they are and make decisions based on the reality of the situation rather than seeking explanations.
6. Find Support Elsewhere
When you need help, turn to trusted friends, family, or a support group. Establishing a support system outside your marriage is crucial for your emotional well-being.
7. Compliment Their Belongings
Offering a daily compliment about an object they own, such as their shoes or a watch, can feed their need for admiration without requiring emotional investment from you. This simple act can help maintain a positive tone in your interactions.
8. Compliment Their Appearance
Similar to complimenting their belongings, offering praise about their looks once a day can contribute to a peaceful environment. Choose something genuine, like mentioning how a particular color suits them well.
Seeking Further Help
If you find yourself questioning the extent of narcissism in your relationship or wondering whether change is possible, consider enrolling in the BTR Living Free Workshop. This program provides resources and support to help you understand the true nature of your partner’s character and find strategies for coping with betrayal and emotional abuse.
Conclusion
Staying married to a covert narcissist requires specific strategies to maintain your peace and sanity. By implementing these tricks, you can create a living arrangement that works for you while seeking the external support you need. Remember that you are not alone; resources like the Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group offer the tools and community to help you heal and thrive. For personalized guidance, consider attending a BTR Group session or enrolling in their workshops. Your well-being is paramount, and taking steps to protect it is a courageous and necessary choice.
Thank you both for being brave and sharing all this.
I’m confused about the difference between sexual coercion and rape. I think both can be equally damaging in different ways, but when does one cross into another?
Hi! Sexual coercion is the overall abusive behavior. Under the umbrella of sexual coercion, rape is penetration, no matter how slight, of the vagina or anus with any body part or object, or oral penetration by a sex organ of another person, without the consent of the victim. All rape is sexual coercion.
But not all sexual coercion is rape. For example, if someone lies to you and you feel safe due to their manipulation to engage in sexual touching that doesn’t involve penetration, that’s sexual coercion, but not rape. Most of the instances of sexual coercion we talk about on this podcast are rape.
So many emotionally abusive men manipulate and control without their victim ever even realizing it.
Married 33 years in a small southern Baptist town. Husband gives me allowance, calls when I’m not home to see where I am, controlling. Last week, my husband was at work. I had been mowing grass, weed eating, and was hot, sweaty. While taking the shower, my husband unexpectedly comes home and sits on the tub facing the shower without making a noise. I opened the shower door to retrieve the towel, and he was sitting there smiling at me. I was startled, my heart felt like it jumped out of my chest. I hurriedly got dressed and announced I needed to go to grocery and left. Came home, put groceries away, and sat down on the couch to catch my breath. BTW, I’m 62. Husband comes into den and starts rubbing my leg trying to pull me off the couch to go to the bedroom for sex, because “seeing me naked” made him aroused. I said “no”, he told me I “had to turning him on”. I said no louder, and he left the house for a few hours. I have been upset since.
I’m so sorry. What you’re describing is coercion. Are you aware of any online exploitation or other abusive behavior he’s been doing? Lying, manipulation, etc? If so, our daily, online Group Sessions help women process this. Women come together to share experiences like this there.
I’m very shocked that there is helpful information about this! I’m just finding out that this is the cause of the problems with my husband for 12 years. He has all the covert narcissism behavior. He manipulates me with things and uses them to control me. I started believing some of it, and then realized this is not right or normal.
But he said all our problems were “my fault”. He always twists things around and avoids taking responsibility. Covert narcissists are so sneaky, and everything feels like a game you didn’t agree to play. He lied about things and then admitted it later, and it’s just so disturbing. He also hides things from me and acts like he’s perfect, but I’ve seen him do the opposite of what he preaches. It’s like living in a constant state of confusion and betrayal.
I’ve been dealing with his lies and sneaky behavior for so long, and it’s exhausting. Covert narcissists are so good at making you doubt yourself and feel like you’re the problem. I try to give it all to God and let Him deal with it and heal me. Thank you for all this great information.
My friend is married to a man with (perhaps) this disorder and he’s also an alcoholic – they’ve been married for 29 years – she can’t leave bc she’s deathly afraid of him. There are guns in the house. He’s threatened her before, he’s threatened to kill himself as well when he’s in a drinking spree. How can I help her?
The Living Free Workshop talks about safety strategies in a situation like that. Maybe enroll so you understand the strategies, and then it will help you know how to help her?