Can A Narcissist Change?
After seven years of trying to help my husband overcome his lies, pornography use, and abusive anger outbursts, he was arrested for assaulting me. After his arrest, I came to realize that the way I needed help to approach the situation in a different way. With assistance from trusted and experienced women, I was able to set and hold the boundaries I needed to hold to bring peace into my home and create a sanctuary of safety for my children.
For me, the only was to stay safe from my husband’s narcissistic behaviors was to set a no contact boundary, while I waited to see if he would do the extremely hard work it would take him to change.
At Betrayal Trauma Recovery, we believe that everyone can change. The scriptures are full of examples of Christ’s miraculous healing, and we feel that God’s power is still available to all.
Narcissists Can Change
Through my own experience talking with women affected by the narcissistic abuse behaviors all over the world, I found that these behaviors are correlated with pornography use. Men who betray their wives and families with lies, pornography use, infidelity and abuse are not safe enough to be in a healthy marriage.
I believe that anyone, regardless of their past or mental health diagnosis can surrender themselves to God’s will and follow God’s teachings. Our online community can be a support and resource to you as you learn to set boundaries to keep yourself and you children safe. Women in our community are learning to set boundaries with the help of a professional to stabilize their situation. I believe that God has directed you to this site, so that you can get the support and help that you need.
Traits Of A Narcissistic Personality
In a nutshell, someone who acts like a narcissist is unable to interact in the world in a healthy, loving way. They have no sense of self – so they must obtain a sense of self from others. This leaves them open to behaviors and choices that aren’t good for them or their marriages.
God asks all people to center their lives on Him. In God’s words, whoever finds their life will lose it, and whoever loses their life for my sake will find it (Matt 10:9).
Husbands who behave like narcissists are so hell bent on finding their life, through the eyes of others, they refuse to be honest with themselves about who they really are and instead focus only on their outward appearance. Similar to the pharisees and sadducees in the bible. This type of behavior can be correlated with pornography use – they want to appear as sheep, while they are ravening wolves inside.
If he were to truly be honest with himself and others, he would admit the lies he tells himself and others, his unquenchable lust, his pornography use, his compulsive masturbation, his constant desire for the praise of men (especially when it comes from a beautiful woman), and admit that anger and jealously in his heart toward his fellowmen.
This makes husband’s with traits similar to narcissism dangerous to their families. They are unable to have integrity because they refuse to tell the truth. The truth is, a husband with narcissistic traits is a son of God who is living far below his potential and needs to change in order to feel God’s love in his life and be able to have a healthy, happy family. The truth is, the most loving, compassionate way to serve him is to set boundaries to keep yourself and your children safe.
Narcissistic Behavior In Sex Addicts
The narcissistic behaviors correlated with pornography use are:
- Pornography Use
- Cheating Emotionally & Physically
- Explosive Anger
- Property Damage – punching walls, throwing things
- Physical Intimidation – yelling and spitting right in your face
- Being Secretive
- Obsessing About Perceived Slights
Narcissistic Abuse Relationship Pattern
Being in a relationship with a narcissist is described by some as crazy-making. Christians often approach it by forgiving, serving, and looking for the good in someone. Forgiveness, service, and focusing on the positive are beautiful gifts from God to bring us peace. In the context of someone who is lying, emotionally and physically unfaithful, and abusive – the most loving way to serve them is to set and hold healthy boundaries.
Ignoring lying, pornography use, masturbation, and abuse is not God’s way. God’s way is to distance Himself from these activities to keep Himself safe – from all this His anger is not turned away, but His hand is outstretched still (Isaiah 6-9).
The scriptures repeat over and over that when man offends the spirit, the spirit removes itself. Why? Because the spirit has boundaries! And you can too.
Setting Boundaries With A Narcissist
Setting boundaries is an extremely difficult, scary experience. Seeking support when setting boundaries is essential. Because many people don’t understand our husband’s ability to manipulate others, to put on the perfect mask, it’s difficult to receive helpful support sometimes from friends or church leaders. My husband was able to abuse me by proxy through our church leader, therapist, friends and family.
There is hope. The Betrayal Trauma Recovery team is here to help you set and hold healthy boundaries that are consistent with your values. Even if it feels like your whole world is falling apart, you can find support and love through a sisterhood of women who have been in a similar situation to you.
Our APSATS coaches are specifically trained to help you gain safety and stabilize your situation, so that you can begin to heal your home from the chaos created by your husband’s lies and compulsive sexual behaviors. APSATS is the only certification available that focuses specifically on the trauma experiences of wives of sexual addicts and the behaviors associated with sexual addiction.
Only God knows your situation exactly. Only He can provide the answers and peace you are looking for. But our APSATS coaches can guide you and support you as you seek God’s miracles in your life.