Is My Husband Grooming Me? – Raven’s Story

Grooming is a universal tool of abusers. Find out how to know if your husband is grooming you.

Did you know that abusive husbands can groom their wives? If you’ve wondered, “Is my husband grooming me?” Raven talks about how her emotionally abusive husband groomed her from the beginning of their relationship.

One way to know if he’s grooming you is to see if he’s using any one of the 19 emotional abuse tactics. To find out, take our free emotional abuse quiz.

how can I tell if is he grooming me

What Is Grooming?

No matter what kind of abuse, or who the abuser is, grooming occurs when an abuser creates a false sense of safety for his victim. 

“Anything that someone does to make it look like he’s a knight in shining armor.”

Raven, Member of the Betrayal Trauma Recovery Community Community

At the start of a relationship, an abuser might act very kind and caring to make a woman believe he is a safe and trustworthy partner. He might seem honest, loyal, and emotionally strong. But later, he may start cheating, lying, and making her question her own feelings or memories. This shows that the way he acted in the beginning was just a trick to control and manipulate her.

If you relate, attend a Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Session to find support.

how can I tell if my husband is grooming me

Transcript: Is My Husband Grooming Me?

Anne: A member of our community, we’re going to call her Raven, is on today’s episode.

I sent a request on social media to have a member of our community. Come on the podcast to talk about grooming, and Raven was like, “Pick me, I want to talk about grooming.”

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If you’re not anonymous on social media and want to be anonymous, you can go to our website and search for this episode in the search bar. So for example, the title of this one is, “Is my husband grooming me?” So you can put that in the search bar on our website. This podcast episode will come up, and then on this particular episode, you can comment and interact anonymously with other women on our website.

Why is Your Husband Lying to You?

Understanding Grooming

Anne: So you volunteered to talk about grooming. Thank you, what motivated you to respond to my request?

Raven: Thanks for having me. When I first saw the post, I actually didn’t know what it was. So I looked it up and I was like, Oh, and I think maybe some other women haven’t heard that term yet. And it’s something I would like to explore more.

Anne: So, obviously, we’re not talking about grooming in terms of brushing our teeth or combing our hair. But we’re talking about the kind of grooming that an abusive man does to give the impression he’s a really good guy. This is when he manipulates someone with a goal in mind. In this way, an abusive man uses words and actions calculated to create a feeling of safety, so he can trap his victim.

We’ll chat about grooming, and if she had any questions, I would answer them. I didn’t ask her to, but she did some research about grooming in preparation for our chat. So can you talk about some of the things you learned?

Raven: Basically, it’s anything someone does to seem like they’re the knight in shining armor. Doing good things to seem good and hide the bad. I’m confused about the difference between gaslighting and grooming, because they both make you seem like the crazy person or the bad person.

Anne: Grooming is intended to set the baseline “reality” of his character.

tell if he is grooming me

Is My Husband Grooming Me? Setting The Baseline Perception

Anne: He wants to manufacture a persona that you judge everything by from then on. So if your baseline perception of someone, anyone, is that they’re an honest, kind, compassionate person. Then you filter their actions through that lens. So if your baseline perception of your husband is that he’s honest, kind, and compassionate, then you’re going to filter everything that he does through that perception.

Because if your baseline perception of your husband is that he’s a wonderful, loving person. If something weird happens, you’re going to interpret that as an “off day” or maybe going through something hard. It’s going to feel outside the norm. Then you’ll try to explain it according to the perception you have. So since he is such a good person, maybe he needs help. Maybe there’s something wrong.

signs my husband is grooming me

Contrast that with thinking about how you would interpret someone’s actions, if your baseline perception were that they are a compulsive liar. If you have the perception that someone’s a compulsive liar, you’re going to be guarded and on the lookout, you’re not going to be vulnerable with them.

So abusive men have this awareness that they need to set this baseline perception, and that you’re going to filter everything through that. So the intent of grooming is to ensure that your baseline perception of him is that he’s the good guy. This is the type of manipulation that happens day in and day out all the time.

And if someone’s doing this from the beginning, of the relationship from the moment you meet them, they’re purposefully trying to control how you perceive them. And also control how everybody else perceives them. Rather than just trying to get to know you, rather than just being in a relationship with a real person.

A Real-Life Example Of Grooming

Anne: They’re intentional about the image they’re portraying. They’ll go way out of their way to set up this baseline perception. So, for example, I was talking to a friend, and she told me she was dating a new guy and he was divorced. He had an ex wife and children, and apparently he had a lot of money, and apparently his ex-wife was crazy.

So this is a red flag for me, like, “Okay, he’s probably an abuser.” So my friend got stuck about three hours away, kind of in the middle of nowhere. She had a flat tire around 10:00 PM. Now, if you want to be helpful, you could do a lot of things in this situation. Like if she called me. I have kids asleep, right? So I’d say, let’s call AAA. They can come out there, and if they can’t fix your tire, they can drive you to the nearest town. and you can get a hotel for the night.

how to know is my husband grooming me

Something like that would be a reasonable way to help someone out. And if she didn’t have money, he could have offered to pay for the hotel room. Something like that, but no. He put his sleeping kids in the back of his car on a school night, and drove three hours to get to her. So she had to wait three hours to get help.

She could’ve got help faster from someone else, and then drove her home three hours. She thought he was so incredible. When she told me the story, she was like, “He pulled out all the stops to help me.” And I was thinking, whoa, he pulled out all the stops to convince you he was a good guy. But good guys are logical. They would just call AAA.

Is My Husband Grooming Me? Grooming vs. Gaslighting

Anne: They wouldn’t put a sleeping child in the back of the car and drive six hours. Through the whole night. And his plan had a added bonus, which was the next day he drove her back up the three hours. So he got to spend that much time with her. Which I think was his intent. That’s an example of grooming. Grooming is a form of gaslighting, but the victim always experiences grooming as positive. Grooming is when she feels good, amazing, loved, cared for and special.

Gaslighting can be either positive or negative. Gaslighting is when he purposefully alters her reality. And grooming, is that for sure. But gaslighting is also when he tells you that you’re having memory problems or crazy, or when he says, “What’s wrong with you, why would you think I would ever use porn?” You don’t know me at all. He was trying to have her doubt, her perceptions of reality.

So I would say gaslighting can be positive or negative, and grooming is always positive. Do you feel like you’ve experienced that? It is hard to know, is my husband grooming me?

Learn More about BTR Group Sessions

He Groomed Me From The Very Beginning

Raven: Yeah, so we met and things went pretty fast. The night he asked me to be his girlfriend, I told him my life story. I was like, hey, here’s who I am. Here are some mistakes I’ve made. I don’t want to do that anymore. And like, take me or leave me kind of thing. And he said, “That’s in the past. I love you.”

He had a job at the training center for missionaries of my church, which you have to hold certain standards to keep. He never misses a Sunday of church, even if he has like a hundred and three fever. And he presented himself as this perfect person, and he was doing me a favor by loving me.

It was very apparent after we got married, more so because his parents would be like, Oh, all the girls were all over him, and you were lucky. And it worked well in his favor. When I found out about all his pornography a year into marriage, I told him I wanted a divorce.

And he called his parents crying. He didn’t know why I was acting crazy and irrationally over something so little. And then they said, maybe it’s because I was in a bad place spiritually. He was making it seem like I’m the one acting crazy and irrationally, because he would never do something like that. Because everyone’s always seen him as good spiritually.

Is My Husband Grooming Me? The Realization of Abuse

Anne: So you experienced grooming while dating, and then after marriage, he starts gaslighting you. And he’s also groomed everyone around him to perceive that his baseline character is a good guy. And you feel like he’s a good guy too, until you realize he wasn’t. So now you know the answer to, is my husband grooming me? Is yes.

Raven: Well, so he overcompensates a lot. I’d always feel like well, he’s a great father and a great husband besides this. Because he would take the kids, and he does the cooking, and he does the cleaning. When I was angry and like yelling, he would be calm. And like, I understand everyone just saw that side of him that he had it all put together. He was the one holding this marriage together, because I’m falling apart.

Anne: Did you know that he was abusive, or did you just kind of feel that something was wrong?

Raven: So I heard the term abuse and I was laughing. I was like, my husband is not an abuser. And once I started reading about abuse. I was like, oh my goodness, he is. I had no idea at that time.

Anne: Yeah. And even when you didn’t know it was abuse, you were still resisting it. because you sensed something was wrong. You actively tried to protect yourself. And in your case, you had him start pornography addiction recovery. Thinking that would create some safety. Take us back to that time. What was he doing while he was in “recovery” for his pornography addiction?

Is My Husband Grooming Me? Yes

Raven: When he started working more on the 12 steps and was making amends to people, he would again, just like say all the right things. Without being honest and manipulating them to make him seem better than he was. And then when I’m not doing well, people would be like, Oh, but I thought you were better. Because he reached out to me and said he was sorry, and he made these amends and said he was going to get better.

So, like grooming others to believe he’s better or believe we’re better. And kind of not seeing why I’m still in a place where I’m at. So he was doing more stuff, and I told him I was like, “I see you’re doing more, but I still feel like something’s off.” And I just wanted to believe he was different.

And then yesterday, actually, he came to me and told me the last five months he’d been lying straight to my face. He’s been acting out the last five months actually a lot. Probably more than ever, and I kicked him out of the house this morning.

Anne: Oh, and here we are on the podcast. Are you okay? No, the answer’s no. So he’s answering the question, is my husband grooming me, with a yes.

Raven: I’m actually better than ever. I feel so free. In the beginning, I would check his phone whatever, and I started doing that just a little while back as something was off. But he shared this, and I actually feel empowered right now, but also overwhelmed.

Anne: Whoa, wow, I can’t believe we’re talking right now. There’s so much to process.

Fake Recovery & Vulnerability

Anne: You know, this fake recovery he did when he was lying straight to your face. It’s very similar to fake vulnerability that many of these abusers will do. Where they just share a little part of something, and then the victim’s like, well, there’s no way he was sharing something like that if he wasn’t honest. And it makes them feel close to him. Like, he’s a good guy because he’s open and honest. So fake recovery is similar to fake vulnerability. It’s manufactured to trap us, wow.

Raven: So the other night we had a talk with his parents. They’re toxic, and he was defending me. He was just saying, yeah, I’ve been abusive. He groomed so well that he’ll admit it. He’ll say all the right things. Like, yeah, I’ve been abusive and I’ve done this all while he’s still acting out. He’s still abusing me. So here he is being vulnerable and being fake vulnerable, like admitting he’s being abusive.

Anne: And people are thinking, oh, he’s admitting to what he did. So he must have changed. Why won’t she forgive him? That kind of thing. That’s super scary. People around you right now aren’t recognizing how dangerous your situation is. And they don’t know about grooming me. And that your answer to the question, is my husband grooming me, is yes.

Raven: Yes, so he’s doing more work, and yet the other night he woke up and told me he groped me in my sleep. I had reached out to some friends and they’re like, that’s not normal. And so I told him he acknowledged it. So I told his parents, and they said, “Oh, honey, that’s normal, that’s part of the marriage contract.”

Struggling With Knowing It Was “Only” Grooming

Anne: What? Assault is part of the marriage contract?

Raven: But I was like, no, this is my body. And I still have a right to say when he can touch me and when he cannot touch me. And they said, “Oh, that’s probably why he has a pornography problem then.

Anne: Ahhh

Raven: So I’ve stopped talking to them for now.

Anne: You are very brave and you are strong.

Raven: Thanks, I’ve come a long way. Yeah, I think the hardest part is that I feel like I could never divorce him. Because i’m too scared of what he would do. I just worry, oh, well, who would he be with. And like why couldn’t I be like her, but right now I don’t want him either. So I’m in this tricky spot. How do you know when it’s time? Will I have the strength to do what I need?

Anne: One thing to remember right now is that even if you remain married, you still don’t have a say over who he’s seeing. Marriage doesn’t solve that problem. If the person’s not healthy, if they’re not willing to be honest. And if they’re not willing to be faithful to their wife. Then marriage isn’t going to stop them. So if that’s one of your worries, let me help you release that. It is still hard to know, is my husband grooming me?

Is My Husband Grooming Me? Finding Strength & Clarity

Raven: I feel conflicted between almost ecstatic, like, I knew I was right, because something was telling me, but also kind of like, well, why didn’t I listen to myself sooner? And feeling like I let myself down, but I can accept that I was doing the best I could.

Anne: You absolutely were doing the best you could. You didn’t know that the answer to the question of, is my husband grooming me? was yes. You were resisting the best way you knew how. That’s why I wrote The Living Free Workshop. It was to help women who are always resisting abuse. They just don’t know exactly what it is, and they can’t anticipate what he’s going to do. That workshop takes you through what’s happening.

It helps you anticipate what he’s going to do next, so that you can protect yourself. For those who relate. If you’re asking, is my husband a good person? Is my husband grooming me? I’m so confused. You don’t know where to turn, Betrayal Trauma Recovery is a safe place for you to process this. It’s important that you process it on your own, without going to him with these concerns.

So that you can observe whether he is safe. Or if he is abusive. Because they are master manipulators and master groomers. And you want to recognize what’s going on. and recognize whether or not, is my husband grooming me?

Raven Could Use Prayers

Anne: Raven, thank you so much for being brave and strong and coming on today, despite this huge thing happening in your life right now. It is difficult to realize that yes is the answer to the question, Is my husband grooming me?

Raven: Thanks for having me.

Anne: If you are the praying type.Raven could use your prayers. Since I recorded that podcast, things got very, very difficult for her. She actually spent some time in a domestic violence shelter. So just a call for prayers for her and all of us, as I pray for myself and all of you all the time. And for Betrayal Trauma Recovery to reach every woman in the world who needs to hear this message.

Anytime you rate the podcast. Anytime you follow us, anytime you comment on our social media channels, it helps those algorithms. So that other women can find us. Thank you.

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32 Comments

  1. Thank you for the pod cast today on grooming. I was married for 12 years and my husband groomed me from the beginning with so many gifts, cards, flowers and romantic gestures that when the affairs and sexual acting our began I was completely confused and couldn’t begin to accept my reality. I would tell myself, he is such a wonderful husband accept for the cheating. His words and actions made me feel like we had the marriage I had always dreamed of. We got every kind of counseling and support for sex addiction, set boundaries and even separated 3 times. After seven years of God repeatedly exposing infidelity, I finally got the courage to enforce my boundaries and file for divorce. I have chosen no contact because I don’t trust myself not to allow the manipulation to impact me. I have forgiven but chose to protect myself and allow god to rescue me from a life of chaos, betrayal and emotions all abuse. Thank you for your podcast and emails. They have been a lifeline.” During one of the most difficult seasons of life.
    Blessings to BTR ❤️

    Reply
    • I’m so glad you found it helpful! I choose no contact as well, since as of yet there is no sign of honesty, humility, accountability, or willingness to submit to the consequences of his actions. Bless you too! We’re all in this together!

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      • Thanks, I’m still struggling to grasp the truth and know what my steps need to be. I have decided one thing, even if we never had sex again, I am committed to growth and staying married. He tells me he doesn’t want to divorce either and is committed to growth. As long as I can grow strong, I will never give him the satisfaction of grooming, abusing and wounding another precious woman again.

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        • Although I don’t recommend your course of action (I want you to be safe:). I can certainly understand your feelings! Thanks for sharing!

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    • Thank you for this podcast. I have heard of love bombing ! But not grooming. Grooming fits my story so much better and it has been a light bulb moment for me.
      Thank you

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  2. Wow. This could be my story: the grooming; the confusion and self-doubt when the baseline is deviated from; the self-hatred when I realised my kids and I will forever be affected by my choice to marry him (divorce or no divorce); the ongoing struggle as he grooms a new circle of people who don’t know what he has done/does, but believe he should be taken back as he has ‘tried so hard’ and is ‘such a nice, helpful guy’. I was feeling so alone and anxious today, but this has helped to bring peace and clarity. Thank you.

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    • I’m so glad you found this post on grooming helpful! It’s amazing how covert abuse is!

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  3. As a guy who does care about doing right, being honest and faithful, I got somewhat alarmed reading through this, since many of the good things this guy did to hide his true character are the sort of things I love to do, but for the sake of doing them, not for the sake of hiding or grooming. The bible says that the heart is deceitful above all things and desperately wicked, so I know I can’t exactly trust myself. So how does a guy recognise whether he is genuine or not, and what steps do you say he should take to prevent himself from becoming an abuser?

    Reply
    • That’s a great question! I think that if lying and online infidelity are happening, then you can know that your “good” behavior is simply a facade to cover your sins – in other words – grooming. However, if you have no secrets, nothing to hide, you’re honest in all your dealings, then you can know that your good behavior isn’t to maintain your reputation or power or control. Truth is always the way out, and truth is always the way forward.

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      • Thank you for this question and reply. I was also wondering what is the difference between grooming and a healthy way of showing love? It seems like the man can’t do anything right if even when he’s trying to show affection and caring it is labeled as grooming. How would a woman ever know these thoughtful and kind gestures are in fact grooming? It sounds like you’re saying she would never know until he does something really wrong that goes against this perfect character he created, but at this point I’m sure she’s committed to the relationship since she previously had no indication that anything was wrong and thought that he was Mr Right…

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        • That’s so true. It’s really hard to know and most of the time you wouldn’t know until something bad happens. Being victimized in that way is devastating, but there’s also nothing you can do to avoid it short of knowing what red flags to look for and being educated about emotional and psychological abuse. Thanks for sharing!

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        • If I may, the difference between grooming and genuine expressions of affection is simply the motivation. Are those gestures intended to lift the spirits of the recipient, and nothing else? And I mean NOTHING else. Unconditional. Not even a glimmer of “oh she’ll really love me now…”. Only thoughts of how pleasing the gesture will be for the recipient. Do you want to open a door for your gal because it makes you look good, or simply ~ by that I mean only ~ because that is honoring to her? It is an issue of genuineness.

          I am 21 years in a marriage that never should have happened. Two adult children, one with special needs, and a husband that is a full-blown addict. The only clue to that is the physical status of our home, the challenged work history (where he has always been the victim), and his emotional distance. I know all too well how to recognize insincerity and the consequences for not.

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  4. Wow, right now I am going through this. I have stayed in an abusive marriage consisting of both infidelity and years of manipulation. Have went through years of marriage counseling on and off. Right now I felt I was being groomed with how my husband is treating me. He seems to be over compensating me in affection after a blow out concerning his lies and betrayals. I feel it is more of guilt cover up for some more of his dark secrets and to try to manipulate me again. He has always been so good at conning me, making me feel like I was the one who was wrong while he was pulling the strings the whole time. I sat a boundary that I do not think he believes so I think he is acting this way to try to get his way. He’s always been so good at twisting everything, making me question myself, like I’m the bad one. The timing for this pod cast was perfect. I wonder what he will do when it does not work for him this time. I am on to his tricks now. Hmmm

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    • I’m so glad you found it helpful! The abuse cycle is so difficult to see, but once you know what you’re looking for, it’s a bit easier:). Hugs!

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  5. I’m newer to this whole topic of betrayal trauma but I related 100% to this conversation. I stayed so long in my 3rd marriage because it was my first Christian marriage and I kept hearing how covenant was more important yet I believe it was also because I did not know how to describe the behaviours when our marriage ended I literally had to say to my counsel “I need to know if I’m thinking Right about this”. So many times I doubted that I knew well enough how to think or live. Rachel that is such a deep part of the set up. Our own confidence & innate God given gut is taken from us. I allowed this for years — not recognizing it for what it was – wholly confused. I was in despair for years. Had a counseller and a divorce coach and a telephone support group and attended al-anon and attended a retreat for spiritual abuse and I still didn’t believe I was abused. Im in my 60’s and I just don’t want women to experience this I’m so proud of your vulnerability to share with us. I am praying for everyone on here because we all need miracles and healing. Bless you all

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  6. Oh man, listening to this podcast and knowing I was groomed all those years ago (30) and throughout my marriage is difficult. We finalized our divorce this past December 2019 after 2 years. I’m still suffering from trauma and ptsd from this type of intimate deception and discarding. He’s groomed Everyone and is lying that I’m the reason he filed for divorce. He panicked when I confronted him on the manipulation of our kids, and took two of our three teens and abandoned the third (after he refused to “join” them). He manipulated my eldest son (who couldn’t look me in the eyes) to tell me “Dad’s leaving you and I’m going with him.” My daughter lied that she was moving in with a co-worker (really with my spouse.) I haven’t heard from my two children living with him for the two years now. He’s grooming them and conning them, buying new cars, luxury goods for my daughter, etc. He treats her like his new girlfriend! All while holding back support for me and his youngest teen. It’s ugly! My kids don’t know the truth about what was and is really going on. He’s actually doing to them, especially my daughter what he did abusively to me when we were dating!!! He groomed me back then, made me believe he was someone he wasn’t, and used it all to control me. He lied to everyone about who he was, made me question everything about myself, and completely fooled me for years. I’m so disgusted, Anne. And I constantly worry about them. My eldest son with him was truant all last year because of a terrible gaming addiction and is repeating the 11th grade. I Never thought I’d be where I am today or that my husband had such bad character issues!! I’m glad I found you and your website. I’m having to start my life over from scratch at 55 years old and am having difficulty coping. It’s overwhelming what’s happened. I definitely need help sorting this out. Thanks for being out there.

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    • I’m so sorry. What a nightmare. We’re with you, sister! Hold on!

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      • Thanks Anne. What can I say or do for my two children, 18 & 20, with him? They’re helping my ex (flying monkeys) to spread those lies to all. They don’t know what I do (or all the professionals involved including his attorney). “A lie travels around the globe while the truth is putting on its shoes.” What do I do? Zero attempt for our family getting along for future life events. It’s parental alienation and totally abusive. Keep sending cards and texts? I think he may be keeping those from them. I sent a birthday check that never was cashed, so I sent a text with pictures of the card/check two months later and asked if he received it…and his Christmas card too. No support since and I’ve been blocked. Some past texts have been uncharacteristic of my son btw, like not in his voice. Yeah. What can I say or do??

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    • I want to respond to Claudia that you might find helpful in addition to this is Dr Craig Children and Parental alienation. You may have already found that resource but I have found how and why this is happening. I am praying for you and your family during this difficult time. I have experienced the parent alienation to the point of child -parent estrangement for three years.

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  7. I am 61 years old and my husband of 2 1/2 years died of a heart attack three weeks ago. I believed his love was real even though we struggled through many difficulties. It was two days after he died and I got into his phone to look up an address of a friend, that I discovered that he was seeing his old girlfriend while pretending to want to work things out with me. While he was fourteen years alcohol sober, he had a terrible addiction to things he kept deeply hidden from me—things I never even thought to question. His death and then the betrayal was a double whammy for me. I trusted him and he hid everything so well that I never thought to check.

    Betrayal taints every memory with doubt and suspicion. I have been trying to parse out what was true from false, and reading this article today gave me great clarity—it was all grooming from the very beginning. He had a weird habit of asking my permission, in the most gallant way, if he could touch me, cuddle me—overly respectful—grooming to protect himself against any accusations of wrongdoing. He was so calculated, so careful, always big into getting my trust, asking constantly for reassurance, but not doing anything to earn it. He just wanted everything on his word and the false persona he projected. He faked every little thing! He knew exactly how to manipulate me, how to present himself in just the right way to get me to believe in him. OMG! I am relieved to finally have this question answered—once and for all—NOTHING was true or real.

    I will shed a few less tears going forward. Thank you for sharing your story. My heart genuinely goes out to you.

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  8. Listening to this pod cast really opens my eyes and to understand what has happened to me for a very long time. I too felt that I could not leave my husband of 25 years. I worried he would kill himself because he had threatened that many times in the years. I didn’t feel safe at home. I needed my children to come and visit to “protect” me. I had been with him since I was 15. At 50 I finally finalized our divorce. Feeling safe at home and not worrying about the choices he makes. I was so scared to be on my own. However, I see my friends coming back and doing more things. I am also making friends. That first step was the hardest but I am so glad I was brave enough to take that step.

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  9. My husband quit smoking cigarettes, and Marijuana and said he wouldn’t drink again because I said I’d never date anyone who was an addict.
    He started smoking again in less than a month and I caught him and he said it was a slip up and wouldn’t happen again.
    Then about a year later we started hanging out with his friends and he’d tell them how he didn’t do anything anymore but then after going over there for a few months asked if he could drink over there and I said yes because I didn’t want to be the prude.
    We got married around this time, we got eloped so I didn’t have a real wedding.
    Then we went to see his father for his birthday and his dad wanted to go to the bar and since it was my first time meeting him we should do what he wants.
    Then on new years he said he was drinking with them regardless because he was doing so good and wanted to have fun and went to the liquor store. Once I caved in he said how this was the last time he’d drink for the year. I refused to drink or talk to him that night and his friend kept saying he wanted to get him super f\*cked up and that he wouldn’t smoke anything with him because he didn’t want to make me more upset.
    He seemed to be doing good until he was sent to school that year and he was drinking every night and lying to me about how he wasn’t.
    During this time was my birthday and our anniversary which he had a chance to be sent home for the weekend for and he chose not to.
    We went to Disney land in December and he once again walked all the way to the liquor store to get stuff because we never have fun and this should be a ‘special’ time when we can and he’s been doing so good.
    He was sent back to school after Christmas where he continued to drink every night and sometimes wouldn’t call me.
    One night he slipped up and called me completely hammered and complained about how I didn’t have a job and how stressed I made him. (Turns out he wasn’t as drunk as he played it up and just wanted me to feel sorry for him)
    During this whole time I thought I wasn’t doing enough for him physically and started dieting and working out and trying to be the perfect partner to him. I got a job to help.
    Then covid hit and I got pregnant.

    Reply
    • Another thing is he found his old tablet one day and said he broke it because he didn’t want to be tempted to look anything up on it. Yet he had taken a charger into the bathroom with him to charge it.
      When I called him on it he started crying saying how he was scared I’d judge him for wanting to charge it but how he broke it once he went to turn it on. But when he went to grab it out of the trash I heard a crack in the garage before he brought it to me. He claims he pushed the trash down and that was the sound I heard.
      The reason he can’t look anything up on his phone is because I have a child lock on it to prevent secret mode on it so he can’t hide anything on it. But his tablet didn’t have that and I had hid it because I couldn’t bring myself to destroy his property.
      I feel like I’m going insane.

      Reply
  10. I was fortunate in two emotionally abusive marriages (and, of course, not forgetting that this is also Domestic Violence – whether there is physical violence or not) that I didn’t fall pregnant to either of these abusive men. This enabled me to completely cut off any contact with them after I became determined to leave them.

    I did get stalked in one way or another afterwards for some time, and leaving them also came with some other consequences – both men where part of the religious organisation that I associated with – therefore both times most of the congregation believed my husbands to be the innocent party as they had both built a squeaky clean reputation with the congregation.

    I was expelled from the organisation for some time due to one of these husbands, losing family and friends. I also lost my Driver Licence for 6 months when this same husband threw himself on the bonnet of my car when I was trying to escape from him – as he told the police a different story. This is also the same reason I was expelled from the religious organisation. I was also fortunate that I picked up things about them very quickly after I married each of them – with one of them 8 months before I left for good, and with the other one for less than 3 months (I did start seeing this 2nd one again 9 months later, but leaving the relationship again after another 3 months).

    I mention the consequences of leaving each of these unhealthy relationships, as realistically, I believe that most times there are going to be consequences – these sort of men do not take being left easily. I feel that women need to know this in advance, but to also know the consequences of staying with these emotionally unhealthy and sometimes dangerous men. All women can do is get a support system, do lots of personal development to build themselves up and to continue to work at not falling for the grooming again.

    When I look back there were at least a couple of tell-tale signs with each of these men before I married them, and directly afterwards. Both times due to how I felt about myself I lacked a voice to speak up – I was more concerned with their feelings and welfare than I was my own – not wanting to make them feel bad. Also having the belief, when I noticed before marry the 2nd abusive husband that he was somewhat emotionally unhealthy, that even emotionally unhealthy people need to be loved and that I should love them and patiently help them to be more emotionally healthy – crazy thinking!

    The responsibility to ‘fix’ someone does not belong to us! – particularly before we marry them. The responsibility is on themselves! Both of these husbands put pressure on me to marry them within 6 months of the courtship. (I allowed myself to be pressured due to thinking more about their feelings than my own, and lacking a voice). More awareness for me came after I married each of them and moved in with them – their behaviour changed straight away – changing their expectations and actions compared to prior to marrying them, and expecting me to work in with them. The tell-tale signs I had seen before marrying them, escalated after marrying them.

    I dislike the term that is often used – ‘survivors’ of Domestic Violence. I just feel that a lot of people who use that term do not fully understand what Domestic Violence is – the grooming and the gaslighting, the mind games. Physical abuse is easier to identify – not always for some of the people who are physically abused, but it is to outsiders. Fortunately for me I could identify being pushed or pulled by one of these husbands as physical abuse, and also having my property damaged as abuse. I could clearly see that no one had a right to physically abuse me, and that I would not stay in a physically abusive relationship.

    However initially it was not so clear to me when someone was emotionally abusing me – it can be so much harder to identify – to see it for what it is. Someone who leaves a physically abusive or an emotionally abusive relationship/marriage is initially only a ‘short term survivor’. They are very likely to get involved in other abusive relationships. There were 8 years between these 2 marriages, and yet I still got caught in the trap that the 2nd abusive husband set for me. I still could not see the signs – and the signs were there, but this time they were somewhat different. Therefore just giving oneself ‘time to heal’ is not a prerequisite to not falling into the hands of an abuser again. It is only when we make a conscious effort to receive more awareness of what is going on in our interactions with others that we give ourselves a much better chance of being a ‘survivor’, and also importantly – that we ‘thrive’. Be conscious of your intuition, be conscious of how an action or a word makes you feel, be conscious of the energy of an interaction – and then question how you are feeling, question the interaction – i.e ‘what’s going on here that I am not aware of?’ ‘what aren’t I getting here?’

    KEEP asking questions – and when some awareness comes up, question it some more. Work hard on this. Do everything you can to become more aware and to protect yourself from becoming more involved with potential abusers.

    Reply
  11. I am grateful for people like Anne Blythe who are genuinely interested in helping others, and who offer loving support.

    Reply
  12. I am SO grateful I got to listen to this.

    I am going thru this RIGHT NOW!! And I’m so conflicted, because he’s making amends with everyone, he’s “cut” the bad habits to like almost nothing, he’s acting amazing towards me and the kids – I mean, I think he even has his therapist fooled!!!

    He’s admitted to ALL of his wrong doing, saying that he is 1000% remorseful. I’m about to move out in almost 2 months, and he tells me that he’s fine that we need to be separated so I can heal, but that he won’t wait on me forever because “he has a lot of love to give and doesn’t want to be alone forever”.

    Even the legal separation process he’s being overly amicable. But now I know that it’s best for him to do that for image. He knows that everyone knows me as a super “chill and easy going person” and wouldn’t see this coming out of me.

    This is a man who groomed me for years. He set me up to believe he was this amazing, thoughtful, supportive person, but it was all just a con. He knew how to manipulate me, how to make me doubt myself when things didn’t add up, how to make me feel small without me even realizing it. It’s like everything I thought was real about him and our life together was a lie, and now he’s spinning all of this so perfectly it’s messing with my head. Like, I know it’s fake, but he’s so good at this that I still second guess myself.

    I’m going to listen to this over and over and over until it finally clicks that this is all fake! He even told me, “This is not a facade. I’m going to therapy to fix myself and to become a better person for myself and my kids.”

    We have 2 kids. And I hear ya Rachel! I’m worried about the “other girl”, all the luxuries that he has/will attain and I’m going to be missing out on it. I have to prepare myself for him showering the kids with all the luxuries I won’t be able to give them. Damn this was powerful!

    Reply
  13. I met my current husband when I was 16 and he was 45. He was the owner/instructor at a martial arts school. I came in as a student. My parents signed me up for the free first month, but couldn’t afford to continue. Because I was such a good student, and was a good influence on all the other kids, he offered me a deal where I could clean, and in exchange take classes for free.

    I thought we were just good friends at first, but he’s since told me that he spent many a time staring at my butt. Because it was a martial arts school, he would help me learn wrestling moves on the ground, and although there was never any actual sexual contact/abuse, I definitely got comfortable with rolling around on the floor with him. He knew exactly how to make me feel special without crossing a line that would get him in trouble.

    For the next couple years, our relationship grew closer and closer. He always acted like he saw some special potential in me, like I was more “mature” than other girls my age. I was a very independent young lady, and people thought I was very mature for my age, but looking back, I was still just a kid. My parents had no clue how I had become good friends with the instructor and was spending time alone with him, and I never told them, because, I don’t know why now. He had a way of making me feel like it was our little secret, something no one would really understand. He never actually did anything inappropriate until I was almost 18. Maybe. It’s hard to recall the details. And I never said stop or no. I remember telling myself that I thought he was like the dad I always wanted. My dad was always kind of distant. But now I can see that was part of how he groomed me, playing on the fact that I was looking for love and attention I wasn’t getting at home.

    Suddenly one day after turning 18, he declared his love for me and me him. And I think I remember him saying he was going to kiss me. And I’m pretty sure I said, “nah”. But he insisted. And it was definitely not a good kiss. But somehow weeks later, it gave me butterflies and I wanted more. From there, things got more and more physical. We didn’t officially start dating though, until I was 20. (In his mind, he didn’t want to date an 18/19 year old.) But looking back, that just feels like another manipulation. He waited just long enough that it wouldn’t look as bad. That was when I finally told my parents and family. And they definitely didn’t ask enough questions. It’s like everyone just accepted it because they thought I was “mature” enough to handle it, but I wasn’t. Not really.

    We officially dated for maybe 4-5 months before he proposed. I accepted and maybe 6 months later we were married. We’ve been married 6 years now, and have a 19 month old daughter. This has really been bugging me since she was born, because I don’t want her to be in my situation as a teenager. I was given way too much freedom and “maturity”. My parents never checked in on me. I know there are some things that definitely shouldn’t have happened to me as a teenager. He had no business being friends with a 16-year-old girl, much less building a relationship with me. He knew exactly what he was doing and how to do it without raising alarms. I can’t stop feeling like he groomed me, and I fell for it because I didn’t know better.

    But I’m confused because, if my husband did groom me as a teenager and before we were married, then what kind of bad things should be surfacing now after being married 6 years. I’ve checked his devices many times, and I’ve never caught him doing anything shady. He doesn’t physically abuse me. But he’s definitely not the man I should have married. He hardly helps with our daughter. (But he also is 50 something and has a bad back.) He doesn’t seem to care to have conversations with me about raising her. Doesn’t care what things I’m interested in. I feel like I’m living with a roommate lately. I don’t know if my feelings are just because we’re drifting apart or if I’ve finally started to see how much he conned me into this life. You may also want to know, I am a Christian, and my husband claims to be one as well (although his relationship with Jesus seems very surface level). I’m torn between believing that I made a commitment to him for the rest of his/my life and believing that I was groomed, and I should get out for the sake of my daughter.

    Reply
    • If you’re thinking this, it’s likely that you were groomed as a teenager and he’s currently psychologically abusive. The most important thing to ask yourself is: do I want to be married to this man? If the answer is no, that’s your answer:). Hugs!

      Reply
  14. Reading this has me terrified. My boyfriend of two years was SO pushy in the beginning, wanting to touch me at very inappropriate times (while I was driving, with the kids around, around my family, etc). It made me uncomfortable, but I allowed it because he made me believe that it was all out of love. He had a huge history for being a player, never having a relationship longer than a few months and cheating on everyone he had been with.

    I called him out on that early on, and his response was the typical “that was the old me, you’re different” and I bought it. He said he loved me a WEEK into our relationship which made me extremely uneasy, but was once again covered with “that must mean he’s serious…” Now I am 2 years in, feeling so drained and unappreciated because it is all about him. What he wants, what he needs, that’s all that matters. He will never admit any of that, and the many times I have asked for help with the house and kids have all turned into an argument from him, always saying “You know that I do MORE than my fair share.” He does the dishes and he helps get the kids ready for school (only if I have laid out outfits – he will not dress them independently). But he gets upset if I ask him to take the kids around the corner to school… I am so confused as to how I didn’t see all of this for what it was sooner.

    Reply
  15. I have suffered for years with emotional neglect. Communication is the one thing that I constantly request but instead during conflict I am met with silence.
    Recently after six weeks of silent treatment I caught a very bad cold – he questioned whether I was ill and subsequently has spoken to me for the past week.
    The motive?
    It’s his birthday today. Sunday
    I was left alone as per usual on Saturday while he pursued his sport and in the evening I said I would be going to a party my friends invited me to.
    All was good until I got home.
    I was tired and when I pulled back the bed covers there was red lingerie with a note- this would make me really happy tomorrow..
    I felt sick!
    I have now got the problem
    He gets his way and I wear the stuff doing what I don’t want to do!?
    Or face anger and resentment?

    For years I have slept in another bed in a room with no window. I don’t have to listen to his snoring and meet his sexual demands.

    I found him checking out naked women a number of times on line and he said so?! You don’t give it to me..

    This man does not comprehend one iota that he is in the wrong!

    I am sat on my bed wondering what to do next?!

    Reply

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