Is your husband using scriptures to coerce or oppress you? If so, you may be experiencing spiritual abuse symptoms. Here’s how to know for sure. If you’re wondering if you’ve experienced spiritual abuse, take our free spiritual abuse quiz to see if he’s used any of these tactics to exploit and oppress you.

Spiritual abuse is a form of emotional and psychological manipulation where a husband uses scripture, revelation, or religious traditions to oppress women. It also involves the misuse of power by leaders or authority figures to control, manipulate, or exploit women under their influence. This type of abuse can take many forms, from fear tactics and guilt-tripping to strict rules. It’s often mistaken for spiritual teachings.

9 Signs Of Spiritual Abuse

1. Coercing the victim into sexual activity using scripture or the misogynistic logic that it is her “wifely duty” to submit to her husband
2. Refusing to help with household duties, telling a woman it’s the role God intended for her
3. Convincing the victim that she does not have access to God’s direction or power without a man
4. Making unilateral decisions
5. Controlling the finances
6. Undermining her talents, refusing to let the victim work
7. Accusing the victim of “sin”
8. Controlling whom the victim can associate with
9. Controlling the victim’s hobbies

This list isn’t exhaustive, but may help victims identify areas in which the abuser uses spirituality and religious texts or traditions to control and coerce her.

5 Spiritual Abuse Symptoms

1. Feeling like you must constantly try harder to earn a place in heaven.
2. Believing that God disapproves of you, even when you’ve done nothing wrong.
3. Struggling with feelings of depression and hopelessness.
4. Feeling overwhelmed by the pressure to meet impossible spiritual standards.
5. Thinking you’re unworthy of God’s blessings or that God has forgotten you.

In Abby’s case, her abuser used spiritual abuse to deny her medical care, access to education, and contact with her family. If you relate and need support, attend a Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Session TODAY. We’re here for you.

Isolation Is A Symptom Of Spiritual Abuse

By nature, spiritual abuse is generally very isolating. Husbands and church leaders may not allow victims to associate with others outside the faith community. Abusers may refuse to allow victims to contact family or friends who don’t practice their faith like they do.

Transcript: How To Know If You’re Experiencing Spiritual Abuse Symptoms

Anne: I have Abby on today’s episode. Her parents died when she was 12. A family adopted her into a family that attended the Community of Christ Church in Northern Missouri. She married her husband, also a member of that same church, at the age of 18. They were married for 26 years and had five children. While dating and married, she experienced spiritual abuse in the form of misuse of the word of God by her husband and several influential male leaders of her church.

Welcome Abby.

Abby: Thank you, Anne. I’m honored to be here. I hope my story will help others know that God himself does not want his daughters to be oppressed in any way. And that he is the ultimate authority or one that calls the shots, if you will.

Early Red Flags In Marriage

Anne: When did you start to sense that something wasn’t quite right.

Abby: I sensed it from the beginning, but because of lack of education and self-esteem, I wasn’t sure what to do about it. My former spouse would sit in the car with me for hours and tell me what God told him about me. I didn’t know I was experiencing spiritual abuse.

And let’s just use a silly example. God told me you were wearing a blue dress when X, Y, Z happened. I would say, no, I was wearing the purple dress, not a blue one. And he would overpower me. And the truth became that the dress was the color he chose. That sounds silly, but it was a powerful way of controlling.

Anne: I don’t think that sounds silly at all. I think it sounds extremely traumatic and strange.

Abby: Well, and God is the ultimate trump card, and he knew I am woman of faith and was very devoted. Some other issues were, I went on a hiking trip with the youth of my church. All of us got to the top of Mount Elbert. We’re having fun. And I fell in a snow drift, and one of the guys pulled me out, and we laughed. Afterward, he forced me to stay away from that boy.

He wouldn’t let me go out with other friends. And would dominate my time, actually stopped in the road while I was getting in the car with Stephanie, my friend. He said, Oh, you need to go with me.

Physical, Emotional & Spiritual Abuse Symptoms

Abby: One of the most poignant situations was that he had a pornography issue or addiction at the time. And I had learned to play the guitar from a former boyfriend. And so to prove my devotion to him and him professing he was giving up or abandoning his addiction. Required me to throw my guitar along with his magazines into a well. I was never allowed to play the guitar for youth campfires ever again. Yes, it all seemed odd.

I actually went to a school counselor and said, “Look, do I not communicate well?” This person is just not understanding a word I’m saying.

And she says, “You have a fine command of the language”, but I was uneducated. I did see red flags.

Anne: Really quickly for our audience, was this a public school, a church school, where you were trying to get educated at home?

Abby: A public school.

Anne: Okay.

Abby: And even the night before our wedding, we sat in the car and I said, there’s just something wrong. I just can’t go through with the wedding. And so I said, good night, got out of the car. He pulled me back in and overpowered my own conscience. He has a way with words and was able to convince me how wrong I was to not follow through with the wedding. Those feelings were spiritual abuse symptoms.

Anne: So you knew something was wrong.

Resistance & Submission

Anne: You’re resisting this abuse, the best way that you can. And everything you’re doing during this time is to resist abuse. So did you resist by praying, serving and loving the typical Christian advice for how to solve a problem? This is when biblical submission becomes abuse.

Abby: In the early part of our marriage, I was a strong willed young woman. We often had fights, and it was mostly over him saying and persisting that the dress was blue instead of purple, kind of a situation. Those kinds of conversations would lead to argument. The argument would lead to being forced on the ground, held down on the bed in a corner until I finally gave up and consented. Okay then, the dress was blue, so I had to shut up.

To maintain peace in our household, I just ended up stuffing for years. And then I would have outbursts of anger, and I’m like, what’s the matter with me? I’m so angry. And I understand now why, until 20 years later, I wasn’t even able to articulate the concept of these behaviors as abuse.

Recognizing This Kind Of Behavior As Abusive

Anne: So many women from all over the world have found that it’s so difficult to recognize that this type of behavior is abuse. And it takes years to figure it out. In your case, why do you think for you it was so hard to figure out that it was abuse or even to label it abuse until years later?

Abby: Well, predominantly I believe it was my, my belief system. I read the Bible. I read how Jesus died for those who persecuted him. And there are several passages that talk about honoring authorities, the laws of the land, submitting to your husband, and suffering like Christ. He used that to control me, I didn’t know it was spiritual abuse.

Cultural & Religious Barriers

Abby: All the things that I endured with him in my mind at that time were purely suffering for Christ. I went through a period of the homeschool movement, in which many of the presentations of homeschool families focused heavily on women submitting. And so I thought internally that I was doing what the Lord wanted me to do. I’ve heard the word abuse, but the two did not connect. And I also thought it was what God wanted me to do.

Anne: In your experience, the whole spiritual construct or in the world you lived in, the culture of your religion kept you from seeing that it was abuse. That you were a victim and having spiritual abuse symptoms.

Abby: Absolutely, additionally his behaviors were not Christlike in many ways.

Anne: In light of this, being actively abused, you are practicing the types of principles that seem like they’re a good idea, right? Love, service, forgiveness, taught by your religion, but in the context of abuse, they’re harmful to you. When did you realize that these common types of marriage principles are just healthy living principles? They were not working in your case.

Abby: There are several pivot points where I became aware and then would get pulled back in. One of the most powerful influences and also moments of pivot of saying, wait a minute, this isn’t right. God wouldn’t do this. Were the times he would hear from God that I had done horrible things. I guess I can be completely transparent here. He would accuse me of adultery for just talking to someone.

He would accuse me of spiritual infidelity for speaking with my mother. Isolating me away from people who had a different opinion and would give me options to his treatment of me.

Spiritual Abuse Symptoms: Isolation & Accusations

Abby: I remember specifically fleeing the home after an episode and going to the library for retreat. On its side was a book by Jack Atterburn, called Twisted Scriptures, if I have the author correct. And I’m like, what is this? And I picked it up. I snatched it, went to my mom’s home. It took me two or three hours to recover from the episode.

I’m reading this book and I’m like, this is what’s happening to me. And I went home and stood in the kitchen, and I still remember the clock saying 10 and the hands are at 10 o’clock. And I said, this isn’t going to happen anymore. I don’t remember what happened, how he did it. I just remember. ending up on the floor in defeat and being accused of spiritual adultery.

Repeated incidents of being accused of adultery when I knew between me and God in my own heart and conscience that I had never done so. And then to have it accused publicly, not only in front of my children, but also in front of people of the faith. And so the conflict between the two was horrible. It wasn’t until many years later that I finally said, I will not do this anymore.

Anne: When you’ve decided this and you’re not getting any traction with him, right? You’re ending up just continually being blamed. Did you start to try and get help from other people?

Abby: Yes, a helper was a prominent leader in the faith. He convinced me, a church faith leader, that I was not submissive enough. And that’s why I was having so many problems. So he compounded the spiritual abuse symptoms by doing the same thing as my husband.

Educating The Abuser

Abby: I also fled to a women’s shelter. I was given the power and control wheel after an episode, and I was in crisis. It made a lot of sense to me, but not all the wheel was full at that time. A third of it was, or at least I recognized, and I took it home to him. Thinking if he just sees this, we could get help and everything would be okay. That wasn’t the case.

Anne: Yeah, that sounds so familiar. I did that. And pretty much every woman I’ve ever interviewed. Shares that she tried to educate her abusive husband about the abuse, thinking that that would help. That’s a way to resist abuse. It’s actually something a super healthy person would do. So we’re doing the right thing. Not knowing and not being educated about abuse. That he’s going to weaponize anything. Even abuse education to abuse us more.

So that is so devastating when that happens. I’m so sorry that happened to you. Many women who have tried to educate their abuser about his abuse end up being accused of being abusive. Because the abuser learns to use the language of therapists or church leaders. Spiritual abuse, they use scripture. That’s why our spiritual abuse symptoms are so extreme, because they use scripture or our faith tradition as a weapon against us.

Now we know how to educate women about this. To say, it’s dangerous to bring these things to your abuser. So keep this information to yourself. And I explain exactly why that is in The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Living Free Workshop. And you can get more information by clicking on the link.

Weaponizing Abuse Education

Anne: I’d say enroll in the Living Free Workshop. Learn why it’s so dangerous. First, at least I’ll have the foundation and understanding of what the dangers are and what to anticipate. If you decide to try and educate him about. it.

Abby: And I could have said the same thing, if I was speaking as an advocate and not telling my story. I would’ve said exactly what you just said. It is dangerous. To divulge anything to your abuser, they will weaponize it, no matter what it is.

Anne: Yeah, absolutely, the point of all the educational material that I produce here at Betrayal Trauma Recovery. On our social media platforms, like on Instagram. We’re also on Facebook at Betrayal Trauma Recovery, and YouTube at Betrayal Trauma Recovery. On all those platforms and on this podcast, the purpose of me educating you about the abuse, isn’t for you to take this information and give it to your abuser. So that he’ll stop being abusive.

That’s not how this works. He’ll just weaponize it and use it against you. And you will have more spiritual abuse symptoms. So please keep that in mind as you’re following me on social media, or listen to the podcast. Keep this information for yourself.

Symptoms Of Spiritual Abuse: Impact On Children

Abby: Yes, and I think another part that pivoted me was the way he would use our children. My oldest remembers, and I saw it too. I just didn’t have language for it until I read your book. And I want to emphasize that the abuse of a spouse, a wife, mother of children is abuse of the children. He would batter me to the point where my children would flee, escape out the living room window, and play in the creek and the fields just to get away from the abuse.

And then would come back traumatized. They had spiritual abuse symptoms. What’s wrong with mommy? And he would bond with them, comfort them while I’m in an emotionally broken state. And tell them your mommy’s mentally ill. We need to pray for her. We just need to pray for her. And so my children grew up bonding with him during most critical junctures. And so it would separate me emotionally from my children.

Not because I wanted to, but because, like we said before, divulging information. Even if it’s a daughter. I’m going to mom’s house for a break that would go straight to him. And even when I finally left. I could not take my children, because my older children were groomed to report on, spy on, and tell dad that I was a bad girl. So if I had taken them to a shelter, especially, the oldest son would have called dad and said, Hey, we’re over here. Come get us. Mom’s being a bad mom again.

That is so hard. That whole setup of grooming the children has destroyed the emotional condition of all five of my children. And we’re still suffering the symptoms of spiritual abuse.

Separation & Recovery

Anne: That’s awful. I’m so sorry. How did you finally get some traction on getting to safety? And what did that look like for you?

Abby: Well, separation, complete disconnection, was the first step of traction. Starting to think, act, and decide for myself. Which took time to recover, because everything was deferred to him previously. But I can’t emphasize enough the separation. Even though you’ve got all this covenant language, death do you part, you have to get away and start recovering on your own with outside resources.

And I started my own business, integrated into my community, volunteered at a local women’s shelter, did public speaking, studied. I think I’ve read every book, almost every book on domestic violence, coercive control and spiritual abuse. Definitely educated myself, started college. And I think my greatest traction point was when I was no longer a woman with my tail between my legs in front of spiritual leaders, no matter what faith they came from.

I previously thought, Oh my goodness, I need to be meek and submissive. And now I’m confident in my relationship with God and in interfacing with faith leaders. And saying, look, that’s not what the scriptures say, or educating them on what needs to happen. What they need to know to help victims who come to them for help, and what they’ve been in the past, is dangerous.

Because I didn’t have my children with me, I went to Division of Family Services. I know that may not have been the best choice in most cases.

Building A New Life

Abby: But fortunately, in my case, I told the social worker I left home. This is why I’ve got five children there. They’re homeschooled, isolated, and need help. And she helped me. She did believe me. She enforced removing the children from him, but he manipulated the system, and then I filed for divorce.

Anne: Can we talk about that for a minute? I have found that many women are spiritually abused. Part of that spiritual abuse is fear and distrust of government resources or help. Can you talk about how abusers use a fear of services that people could use, perhaps community services?

We need to acknowledge that fear of the police or justice system is justified when you’re a victim. Because I interview victims who have been more abused through the system and have spiritual abuse symptoms. So there’s no guarantee services will help. But some women get help. Do you share that these services help them greatly?

Abby: Absolutely. I definitely was afraid to go there. They weren’t the kingdom. They were of the world. Do not go down to Egypt, Isaiah says, and you are disobeying. The higher laws of God to go to the world for counsel.

And it was horrible.We were prevented from getting medical care because of this same issue. He would say, God’s going to heal you. You don’t need a doctor. So that conditioning and fear was there for a long, long time. And so it was a big risk for me.

Spiritual Abuse: Miracles & Support

Abby: I had already, by the time I spoke to her, realized after many unfortunate episodes with church leaders. Who didn’t get me the appropriate resources, and address the real issue of our home. I did go to this social worker. The terror of leaving an abuser, threats of murdering me. You’ll never see your children again, which was horrible. And I thought, well, I’ll just go back.

And she told me, Abby, if you go back, I will take your children from you both because he is abusing your entire family. It would have been a year and a half after separation. And she was extremely helpful. So it was good for me, but it was so hard to trust secular resources.

Anne: Were you surprised at how helpful they were when you finally did that? Were you like, wait a minute, they care about me. I mean, I just think like this whole time you’ve been trying to do what God wanted you to do. And by the way, God loves you, right? He cares about you. And yet in this system, you’re not being cared for at all. In fact, you’re being dismissed, so the symptoms of spiritual abuse go unnoticed.

And then you go to these secular people who are actually caring for you and trying to help you. And listening to you and believing you. Were you shocked? Were you like, wait a minute, I was taught these guys were bad, and here they are, they’re amazing?

Abby: I was, I mean, two episodes. First of all, the social worker was a heathen. She did not, does not believe in God. I was upset, because I thought I was a godly person and being a bad example.

Help From A Social Worker

Abby: Look at my household. And she called me one afternoon. I can’t remember the whole content, but I said, Ginny, you believe in God. And I said, every morning you put your feet on the floor, you go to work, and you deliver the captives. You deliver the orphans. Andyou are helping people in abuse. You believe in God because that’s what he would do.

Anne: What did she say to you?

Abby: She was in shock, and then when I was with my spouse, I would cry and pray on my face. And God deliver me and you know the truth will set you free. That is what kept going through my mind. I didn’t understand why I wasn’t free, that these were all symptoms of spiritual abuse. I was accused of rebellion for running and hiding from him. Which I would typically run and hide at a park, a local park, and I was labeled rebellious.

And so when I was sitting with the counselor, she said, Abby, it’s a normal response to run and hide in the park. That’s a normal response to abnormal behavior. And I just stared at her. You mean I’m not rebellious? I had no clue that I wasn’t rebellious for hiding from the abuse. And I would like to say to women believers, if it makes any sense to you.

I believed some scriptures, like Esther, Abigail, predominantly Old Testament scriptures. That women were very subdued, they’re very dominated in the patriarchal culture. And they had to wait on God’s deliverance, or at least seemingly so. And so I had adopted that belief system that I had to wait for God to deliver me.

Stages Of Deliverance

Abby: So I would fast, I would pray, I would lay on my face. And I won’t go into the whole story. But there came a moment where I prayed and told God I will go home. If you tell me that I am not rebellious, adulterous, all the labels he had covered me with, like manure. He basically said, Nope, you got to do this. You got to get up. You got to, you got to submit to me, honor me and take the consequences.

I’m like, you mean I can’t go home? And that’s not the whole story. That’s not the intimate story behind what I’m trying to say. My deliverance came through my growing in strength and personal relationship with him and other people. It didn’t come from a magical deliverance knocking him on the head. I had to do the work, to gain freedom from spiritual abuse.

Anne: This idea of deliverance is something I’ve been studying for years. I love stories in the Old Testament and the New Testament, and the Book of Mormon. I study from the Book of Mormon of deliverance and people separating themselves from wickedness. There are so many stories, and God is a God of deliverance. He is. And you think about the parting of the Red Sea. So, one of my favorite stories is that Moses parts the Red Sea, and then the Israelites have to walk through it.

That’s probably quite a walk. The bottom of that sea is dry, rocky and hard. We always focus on the parting of the Red Sea, and then they magically walk through it. But I’m like, what was this part of the Red Sea?

Taking Action For Safety To Get Relief From Spiritual Abuse

Anne: And then they actually walked that hard, long slog through the bottom of a body of water that has been there forever, is amazing. Not something to discount. They had to walk through. The more I study deliverance, the other thing I realize is there are these stages of deliverance, there’s the stage where they’re wandering around in the wilderness. And same with our deliverance.

In each stage, we are required to pack up our bags, and actually move ourselves out, or cross the sea. Or, in the case of the 40 years in the wilderness, there were times when they just had to believe they would get mana that day. They didn’t know how they were going to be fed. They did the best they could under the circumstances.

So I encourage women now who desperately pray their husband will understand. Please start praying, asking Heavenly Father, how am I going to be delivered? What do you want me to do to bring to pass my deliverance? When they were backed up against the Red Sea, Moses actually had to command the sea to part. Moses didn’t just get to the sea and then be like, Oh shoot, what are we going to do? He actually took action. Keep that in mind as you’re praying for deliverance.

It will require you to begin to take action for your own safety to escape the spiritual abuse. And the amazing thing is miracles will occur along that path that you could not have done. Like Moses, no matter how hard he tried, no matter how much he said to the sea, part, he couldn’t part it.

Support From Faith Leaders

Anne: God parted it, but he actually took action to speak the words out loud. So I think knowing that it will be stages of deliverance, knowing that you need to play a part in that, that you have to move your feet, is important.

Abby: And I’d also like to point out that Pharaoh and the Israelites, their will, had turned into helplessness. Yes, they may be prayed every morning, noon and night for deliverance, but Pharaoh’s abuse broke their will. And so, yes, it’s going to be hard. I can only imagine that some Hebrews were weak, physically weak, and emotionally weak, and still had to take action. I so agree with that. That’s what I’m trying to say, is that I had to take action. Yes, there were miracles along the way.

Anne: Can you talk about the miracles you experienced? Some ways people helped you? Maybe this would be a good time to talk about the bishop that helped you.

Abby: Yes, I felt so defeated and overcome because of the spiritual abuse symptoms. And look at me, I’m a Christian woman going through divorce. I’m just, I just don’t have the spirit of the Lord anymore. I just felt totally defeated, but I had to take the actions I did. And I was at the pool with my daughters, and I got up to walk out the gate to get a towel.

And this woman just confronts me at the gate, and she goes, “You have the most beautiful spirit of the Lord.” And I’m like, you’re kidding me. Are you saying that? I mean, that was one little tender way. And there are so many others I could tell, but I started a new drapery and upholstery workroom.

Joining A New Faith Community

Abby: The bishop that came to my shop just reminded me, yes, I’m with you. You haven’t lost me just because we’re in the middle of a battle. So I was at my shop. And a Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saint’s Bishop came to my door with two missionaries. And at that time, I had already experienced years of faith leaders letting me down and betraying my trust. So I basically bit his head off. I laughed because he was so patient while I told him what had happened.

And I’m not happy with you guys right now. When all the steam was gone. He just stood there kindly and gently. And he said, Abby, I want to publicly apologize for every faith leader who has let you down. And I will do everything in my power to help you. My church circles publicly humiliated me. That I could hardly go to church for fear of being publicly humiliated.

And this Bishop would literally text me while I’m sitting in the parking lot. I’m afraid to come in. Well, come in. If anybody hurts you, you let me know and I’ll take care of it. He truly shepherded me. He understood how severe the symptoms of spiritual abuse were.

I gained my best friend. We now work together. We’ve been friends for 12 years, and I couldn’t ask for a better friend. She’s a true Christlike loving person. She and her husband helped us through. Is she a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints? Yes, she was the Relief Society president at the time.

Anne: During this time, you joined The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints?

Abby: Actually, I did, yes.

Establishing Peace From Spiritual Abuse Symptoms

Abby: They enabled me to start college, and gave me the practical supports to become self-reliant and stand on my own. They’ve been there at every juncture, whether it was a house fire, the death of my mother, a move. They’ve always been there for me.

Anne: That is good to hear, especially because we have so many horror stories of church leaders. So that’s great to hear. I, myself, received food from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints for years. When I was trying to build Betrayal Trauma Recovery Support Groups actually. So I was definitely financially and physically supported by the church.

And so I have a great respect and appreciation for the work that my church does. I’m so grateful for that. That is a miracle. So where are you now? Do you feel like you’ve established peace in your life? How are things going now?

Abby: The past 15 years have been hard to have a relationship with my children. They’re still trying to figure things out. One of them has recently come forward, so that has been a difficult path to go through. But I have to continue in my path and make the best decisions I could. I’m about to graduate with a degree in behavioral and community health. And I own my own home.

I have friends and serve where I can, especially teaching faith leaders how to respond for victims of domestic violence. And the focus of that is to not only support them, but also help them dismantle passages of scriptures. The interpretations that have kept them in bondage, in the midst of spiritual abuse symptoms. And what God wants for them. Yes, I feel like I’m at peace.

Advice For Victims

Abby: Making your way to safety is a hard road. And God does not want you to be oppressed, abused, betrayed or used. He does not want your children to grow up witnessing that pattern. God loves you. And you need to get away from the severe spiritual abuse, however that happens. With Anne, there are Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Sessions. You have so much more support now than when I first left. There’s a lot of help, and you’re not alone.

Anne: Well, thank you so much for sharing your story. We really appreciate you coming on today, Abby. Thank you so much.

Abby: Thank you.