Sadly, many emotionally abusive men use “spiritual bypass” to manipulate their victim. If you’ve faced your husband’s emotional abuse and betrayal, here’s how to avoid being manipulated spiritual bypass.
How Do Abuser’s Use Spiritual Bypass?
Emotionally abusive men often join recovery programs, support groups, or go to church to manipulate their wives. When a man with a history of lying says that Jesus saved him or that 12 Step Meetings will change him, he’s using ‘spiritual bypass’.
Why Doesn’t Spiritual Bypass Work?
Spiritual bypass is checking boxes. But wives realize eventually that nothing has changed. Some boxes abusive and unfaithful men might tick include:
- Attending church and other meetings
- Saying he’s going to 12-Step Meetings
- Volunteering and serving in a religious capacity
- Studying scripture or other religious materials
- Claiming Jesus saved him
- Going to therapy
They might even “box-check” activities like prayer, family time, and helping around the house. He does this as if to say, “Look at what I’m doing! I do this, this, this, and this, you can trust me!”
When abusive men look good to others, they’ll try to convince their victim that the emotional abuse is in the past, even when subtle gaslighting, coercion, and manipulation are still occurring.
It can be hard for victims to see that their abusive husband is manipulating them. Especially when they think the box checking will solve his abuse problem.
How Victims Can Recognize When He’s Not Genuine
A women can tell if her husband is changing when the abuse stops completely and she feels:
- Emotionally safe
- Spiritually safe
- Sexually safe
- Physically safe
- Financially safe
He Checked Boxes To Manipulate Her: Heidi’s Story
Heidi, a Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Session Client, shared about when her emotionally abusive husband pretended to want to change. This is a common response when men are caught lying and cheating. Heidi’s husband engaged in performative, positive activities.
He got deeply involved in their church community, focused on service, and dedicated time each day to reading scriptures. Then he made a point of telling Heidi that he listened to sermons during his commute to work . He tracked his progress in a calendar journal. He convinced her that these activities were proof of his goodness.
Anne Blythe, M.Ed, an expert on emotional and psychological abuse, explains that this behavior is designed to manipulate victims. In reality, he was never going to change. He used spiritual bypass, which kept Heidi in the dark about his true character. About two years later, Heidi discovered that he’d been lying to her the entire time.
To find out if your husband is using spiritual bypass to manipulate you, attend a Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Session. In our sessions, you’ll meet women who are experiencing this same situation. We hope to see you soon.
BTR,org has saved my life. After 40 years of being married to an addict, I am finally at peace. I owe my life and mental well-being to the woman who started this. “Anne Blythe” thankyou! with all my heart I thank you. Please never end BTR.ORG.
Dec 10, was another D-day in my life. Too many to count. Caught my husband using porn and acting out with inanimate objects for 5 consecutive days through a live feed from our home. I’m visiting family overseas, so I’m not home. Confronted him about his promises to never ever look at porn or act out fantasies and fetishes ever again since another D-day in late September. He told me he has never stopped and only God will judge him, and then said to me sarcastically, “and you.”
He prays and reads his Bible every morning and in the evenings does despicable things. I nearly started believing he’d begin the work of change, but always just felt something isn’t right. We’re in-house separated since July and he seemed to have started changing. All lies.
And while he was in the process of watching porn and sexually acting out on himself with inanimate objects, he was at the same time texting me and telling me that he promises he’s stopped all porn and acting out and can’t wait for me to come home so he can get his wife back. He promised things would improve spiritually as well.
He’s busy doing heinous things sexually and texts me (while in the act) that his libido is very low and he has no desire for acting out or porn. That all that is behind him and he can promise me that. Saying all this stuff while I’m watching live feed of him doing terrible things in my bedroom while lying to me. Doesn’t bother him at all, yet he professes to be a born-again, spirit filled, tongue-talking, demon-disturbing child of the living God.
I can’t🤦🏻♀️
I feel broken beyond repair. He just couldn’t care less about me and the effects of his secret sexual acts which he only ever commits secretly and he justifies it by stating he’s never had an affair in real life. Which he hasn’t. Yet he’s lusted after other women and watches degrading porn and has sex with various inanimate objects until I find out again and again and again and then he behaves for a few weeks or months but never stops. He’s learned how to go incognito on his cellphone and has just become much more adept at hiding his real self and much more secretive. It’s such a mess.