13 Signs Your Abusive Husband Is Changing
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My Husband Isn't Abusive, He Has Anger Issues
Anne, founder of Betrayal Trauma Recovery, says:
"For the first few weeks after my husband’s arrest, I felt like the domestic violence shelter wasn’t really helping me. I couldn’t get answers to my questions. They looked at me like I had some disease.
Now I know why they were looking at me that way—they were concerned. They were concerned because I said things like, “My husband is such a great guy! He can’t be abusive. He has an anger problem he’s been working on, but he’s not abusive.”
I learned more. That’s when I realized that he had been abusive even before we married.
Then I started saying things like, “Well, he’s not the typical abuser.”
I told them, “He’s struggled with a pornography addiction and comes from an abusive family, he needs help! How can we get him some help?”
They kept saying, “You need to read this book,” and, “Have you read the book yet?”
The book they wanted me to read? Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft. No, I hadn’t read it yet.
Then I read it.
Then I understood why they were worried.
I didn’t know I had been in an abusive relationship. I was in serious emotional, financial, and even physical danger. I was the one who needed help. I needed some serious help. Around this time, I started working on my own recovery."
Here are some excerpts taken from Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft.
Can My Abusive Husband Change?
For some of the signs that you are being abused please read this article.
Bancroft says, “My fifteen years of working day in and day out with abusive men have left me certain of one thing: There are no shortcuts to change, no magical overnight transformations, no easy ways out. Change is difficult, uncomfortable work. My job as a counselor is to dive into the elaborate tangle that makes up an abuser’s thinking and assist the man to untie the knots. The project is not hopeless – if the man is willing to work hard – but it is complex and painstaking." (pg. 334)
Abusive men find it easier to stay abusive than to change. When a man does decide to dig down deep and change the values that drive their abuse, they develop a new respect for their female partner. His female partner faces the challenge of determining whether he is truly changing.
How Do I Get An Abusive Husband To Change?
An abusive man’s behaviors come with so many rewards. Because of these rewards, he is reluctant to make any major changes in himself. Sometimes women will beg and plead and try to force them to change so that she can feel safe. THIS DOES NOT WORK!
Bancroft confirms it:
“I am sorry to say that I have never once seen such approaches succeed. The men who make significant progress . . . are the ones who know that their partners will definitely leave them unless they change, and the ones on probation who have a tough probation officer who demands that they really confront their abusiveness. In other words, the initial impetus to change is always extrinsic rather than self-motivated. Even when a man does feel genuinely sorry for the ways his behavior has hurt his partner, I have never seen his remorse alone suffice to get him to become serious [about changing his behavior].
“After a few months of deep work . . . some men do start to develop intrinsic reasons for change, such as starting to feel real empathy for their partners’ feelings, developing awareness of how their behavior has been harming their children, or even sometimes realizing that they themselves enjoy life more when they aren’t abusive, despite all the privileges of abuse they have to give up. But it takes a long time for an abusive man to get to that point.
“. . . the majority of abusive men do not make deep and lasting changes . . . For an abusive man to make genuine progress he needs to go through a complex and critical set of steps . . .” (pg. 335)
How Do I Know My Abusive Husband Is Changing?
When Anne learned about these steps, her first thought was to give her husband a copy of this chapter of the book. "Then he would know what to do! " she thought. Her victim advocate, her mentor, and her therapist advised against it. Over the seven years of their marriage, her husband had become an expert at mimicking healthy behaviors, without really changing. He was an actor, and Anne did not want to give him the script.
Anne needed to see real change to amend the Do Not Contact order, and he had to figure that out for himself.
Same goes for you. It is not advisable to give your abuser or the addict in your life this list. The wise thing is to set boundaries until you see the following behaviors. That is the only way you can know if they are really changing.
13 Signs Your Abusive Husband Is Changing
Taken from Lundy Bancroft’s book, Why Does He Do That?
- Admits fully his history of psychological, sexual, and physical abusiveness toward any current or past partners who he has abused. Denial and minimizing need to stop, including discrediting your memory of what happened. he can’t change if he is continuing to cover up, to others or himself, important parts of what he has done.
- Acknowledges that the abuse was wrong, unconditionally. He needs to identify the justifications he has tended to use, including the various ways that he may have blamed you, and to talk in detail about why his behaviors were unacceptable without slipping back into defending them.
- Acknowledges that his behavior was a choice, not a loss of control. For example, he needs to recognize that there is a moment during each incident at which he gives himself permission to become abusive and that he chooses how far to let himself go.
- Recognize the effect his abuse has had on you and your children and show empathy for those. He needs to talk in detail about the short- and long-term impact his abuse has had, including fear, loss of trust, anger . . . And he needs to do this without reverting to feeling sorry for himself or talking about how hard the experience has been for him.
- Identify in detail his pattern of controlling behaviors and entitled attitudes. He needs to speak in detail about the day-to-day tactics of abuse he has used. Equally important, he must be able to identify his underlying beliefs and values that have driven those behaviors, such as considering himself entitled to constant attention, looking down on you as inferior, or believing that men aren’t responsible for their actions if “provoked” by a partner.
- Develop respectful behaviors and attitudes to replace the abusive ones he’s stopping. You can look for examples such as improving how well he listens to you during conflicts and at other times . . . He has to demonstrate that he has come to accept the face that you have rights and they are equal to his.
- Re-evaluate his distorted image of you, replacing it with a more positive and empathic view. He has to recognize that he has had mental habits of focusing on and exaggerating his grievances against you and his perceptions of your weaknesses to begin instead to compliment you and pay attention to your strengths and abilities.
- Make amends for the damage he has done. He has to develop a sense that he has a debt to you and to your children as a result of his abusiveness. He can start to make up somewhat for his actions by being consistently kind and supportive, putting his own needs ton the back burner for a couple of years, talking with people who he has misled in regard to the abuse and admitting to them that he lied, paying for objects that he has damaged, and many other steps related to cleaning up the emotional and literal messes that his behaviors have caused.
- Accept the consequences of his actions. he should stop whining about, or blaming you for, problems that are the result of his abuse, such as your loss of desire to be sexual with him, the children’s tendency to prefer you, or the fact that his is on probation.
- Commit to not repeating his abusive behaviors and honor that commitment. He should not place any conditions on his improvement, such as saying that he won’t . . . [swear] long as you don’t raise your voice to him. If he does backslide, he cannot justify his abusive behaviors by saying, “But I’ve done great for five months; you can’t expect me to be perfect,” as if a good period earned him chips to spend on occasional abuse.
- Accept the need to give up his privileges and do so. This means saying good-bye to double standards, to flirting with other women, to taking off . . . while you look after the children, and to being allowed to express anger while you are not.
- Accept that overcoming abusiveness is likely to be a life-long process. He at not time can claim that his work is done by saying to you, “I’ve changed but you haven’t,” or complain that he is sick of hearing about his abuse . . . and that “it’s time to get past all that.” He needs to come to terms with the fact that he will probably need to be working on his issues for good and that you may feel the effects of what he has done for many years.
- Be willing to be accountable for his actions, both past and future. His attitude that he is above reproach has to be replaced with a willingness to accept feedback and criticism, to be honest about any backsliding, and to be answerable for what he does and how it affects you and your children. (pgs. 339-342)
An Apology Is Only The Beginning
Bancroft asserts that, “Abusive men don’t make lasting changes if they skip any of the above steps, and some are easier than others. Most of my clients find it fairly easy to apologize, for example. In fact, an abuser may weave apologies into his pattern of abuse, so that when he says ‘I’m sorry’ it becomes another weapon in his hand." (pg. 342)
Once the abusive man has apologized, if he does, he expects his partner to be satisfied and no longer bring it up or feel hurt by it.
Bancroft continues, “If she tries to say anything more about the incident, he jumps right back into abuse mode, saying such things as, ‘I already told you I was sorry. Now shut up about it.’
“But even a genuine and sincere apology is only a starting point. Many of my clients make it through the first three steps: They admit to a substantial portion of their abuse; they agree that their actions resulted from choice rather than a loss of control; and they apologize. Then they dig is their heels at that point." (pg. 342)
An Abusive Husband Must Give Up His Sense of Entitlement
An abuser feels entitled to treat you the way he does. He feels like you belong to him. Any cruel or violent behavior on his part is your fault. This entitled feeling is very strong. When he has started working towards change, there is a voice in his head, according to Bancroft, that says:
“You’ve given up too much already. Don’t budge another inch. They already talked you into saying your abuse is all your own fault when you know she’s at least half to blame because of [what she does]. She should be grateful to you for apologizing; that wasn’t easy to do. She’s lucky you’ve gone this far; a lot of guys [wouldn’t do that].” (pg. 342)
This voice pushes him back into the cycle of abuse.
“Step number four, for example, demands that the abusive man accept his partner’s right to be angry. He actually has to take seriously the furious things that she says and think about them rather than using her emotional pitch as an excuse to stuff her opinions back down her throat. When I explain this step, my clients at first look at me as though I had an eye in the middle of my forehead. 'I should do what?? When she is yelling at me, I’m supposed to just sit there and take it??' To which I reply, 'More than that, actually. You should reflect on the points she is making and respond to them in a thoughtful way.'” (pgs. 342-343)
Changing Is Hard Work for An Abusive Husband
Abusers often think they can get by with changing just a few of their behaviors, as long as they don’t have to give up the ones that are most important to them. Finding the core beliefs that fuel his abuse is key. Giving up these entitlements will be the key to his change.
Bancroft states:
“At some point during the first few months that a man is in my program, I usually stumble upon the core of his privilege, like a rear bunker on his terrain. He may abandon a few of his forward positions, but this fortification is where he surrounds himself with sandbags and settles in for protracted war. A client may agree to [answer his wife’s questions in a calm voice], for example, but when I tell him that he needs to [stay engaged in a conversation, even if it’s uncomfortable], he draws the line. If being a respectful partner requires [he stop stomping out of the house when his wife is trying to talk to him], he’d rather be abusive.” (pg. 345)
What Do I Do If My Abusive Husband Isn’t Showing Signs Of Change?
An abuser who does not give up these entitlements will return to abusing. If he continues to protect even just one of his entitlements, he is keeping the option open for abuse. If he keeps it open, he WILL revert back to his abusive behaviors until they are all completely restored.
“Abusers attach themselves tightly to their privileges and come to find the prospect of having equal rights and responsibilities, living on the same plane as their partners, almost unbearable. They resent women who require them to change and persuade themselves that they are victims of unfair treatment because they are losing their lopsided luxuries. But they can’t change unless they are willing to relinquish that special status.” (pg. 345)
For signs that your abusive husband ISN’T changing, please read this.
If your husband isn’t changing and you are in immediate danger, please get yourself to safety. One way to do this is to set boundaries. You can find more information on boundaries here. For more immediate assistance, please call a crisis or domestic violence hotline. Find someone safe that you can reach out to.
For more information on abuse, register for Coach Joi’s individual sessions about emotional abuse.
Anne says, "Becoming educated about abuse helped me put all my husband’s past and current attitudes, behaviors, and choices in perspective. It gave me a way to tell, even with a Do Not Contact Order, if my husband was safe enough to interact with.
"Because I did not see my husband take those critical steps, and he was exhibiting signs that he WASN’T changing, I held my no contact boundary and will continue to hold it until my husband exhibits the recovery behaviors from this list."
I am so heartbroken. I have been struggling with his promises to never go back to porn and he has gone baxk at least 3 more times amd aleaya a sorry. I fpund out 6 monyhs after we started dating and it dis not stop. It has been almost rwo years aince we started dating amd only 50 days from his last “mistake” as he calls them. Blaming me for not supporting him, not recognizing all the he progress he has made, telling me its in the past and he cannot keep living like this. I said i meedes space amd he immidiatley watches porb again and said he qas going ro commit suicide if i didnt come pick him up. I love him amd i sanr ro belwibe bur my jeart says the sex dreams havent stopped and he still gets very angry because i am not always sweet. He hates me questioning him and says i just have ro believe him
I am angry mean and i yell a lot because I dont understand how he can semd me forgiveness scripture to help me forgive him and walk in love…. he sent it MINUTES after looking at porn. I found the history on his phone a week later. We faught and I have attacked him physically. I am ashamed because he doesnt seem to understamd I cannor trust him and je isntbactimg in a way tjat builds my trust back. He just walks away and says he has nothing to say. He is done apologizing and sick of repeating himself. It has been 50 days since last time I know of and I have told him I need A lot more time, maybe years of apologies, reassurance and patience. He wants me healed now and upset I am not ready yet. I love him… and i am so sad. I dont feel strong enough to heal myself on my own and my heart says he has good intentions bur that he will comtunue to break my heart
Sorry for all the typos. I was typing fast through tears. I feel like a horrible woman who failed heee man in every way. I feel ashamed for feeling thianiant good enough. All men cheat and i just wanted one that wouldn’t… i am sad that they dont exist and i have to find a way to forgive or live alone. I am happier alone but i still feel the need to love someone the way i want to be loved….uncondituonally. i feel like a hypocrite
All men don’t cheat. You deserve the best. And it’s not true that you have to find a way to forgive or live alone – that’s the abuse talking. You can do this. Have you joined the Recovery Group?
Oh to be in the place you are right now. You are not married to him and do not have kids with him. Just think, down the road in 5-10 years, if this is the life you want and the way you want to be treated. It’s not going to change – he’s not going to change- unless he does it on his own. Please protect yourself and your future kids (who will learn from his behaviour patterns, and be treated the same way he treats you- with lies and anger).. You deserve to be loved and treated with kindness and honesty and faithfulness and not cheated on!
– from someone who has been there and wished I’d taken a stronger stand before the kids!
I am so sorry for your pain. You can do this. There is a way out.
Thank you for the supportive comments. I wanted to give a follow up. It has now been 16 months since my last post. I got pregnant last August with twins. This cycle hasn’t changed. He says he gets angry when i question him and i have uncovered more lies. I had unexplained seizures in sept 2018 and one of the babies passed away. The ER said I was under too much stress. On Nov 29th I had another 5 bad seizured and almost bit off my tongue. I dont remember it and it made me have memory loss. I dont remember thanksgiving with my other three children. They are so important to me and they have gone thru too much already. I lost my driving job because of the seizures, wenlost our house and had to sell almost everything. We had to move back to UT and got help from my family. I had to go a specialist to moniter tge baby because i was high risk amd they said the second set of seizures should have killed me and my baby. I asked many questions about what happened ro me and hiw he did with having all the nurses around (one of gis many fantasies). He refused to tell me anything because he said “i dont want to tell you anything you can use against me later”. I has been so hard. I didnt have all the details to tell the neurologist about what happened.
He has confessed thru anger and rage that last year he had an emotional affair, wanted sexual favors from another eoman and the third he eanted ro start a relationship with (but said it was only because he found her cute – he said he never spoke to her). He also admitted that he watched porn the whole time and was just using me. He said if I accused him then he relapsed. I saw him treat me with dishonor almost everyday… he pretended and admitted his stories changed and he lied to shut me up. He just wanted to tell me what i wanted to hear. I wanted the truth but he refused. He still cannot confess to all the lies about past or present. When i catch him, he still denies or minimizes. Now our baby is almost two months.. born healthy and beautiful. I am still discovering more about his infidelity but only when he is angry with me. I am so ashamed that i couldnt leave. I am nit safe and beginning to rralize that i was “groomed” from the very begining. He agreed to go a therapist finally but he is still relapsing. He saysbiys not a rrlapse because he was looking at pictures of me and didnt actually masterbate. He swears that he hasnt relapsed or even looked at anotherbwoman in 470+ days and that he is doing great. I still dont trust and he wants me over it now. He says he is suffering when i am not rwsdy for sex and i feel obligated to keep him satsified so he doesnt have another excuse to cheat and blame me for it. I am devastated and a crazy mess. I cant swem to break free. I gave him anal anf haf sex too soon after the baby. My sutures got torn and I hemmoriged for 5 days ( still spotting) i am so afraid of nurses i just rode it out. I was exhausted and needed to sleep… that is when he resorted to going into the bathroom with nude pictures of me he took of me last week. He did eventually tell me but doesnt see my concern that may open the door for him to search for other photos. He said he was horny and mad at me. I should just be happy it wasnt another woman. I am lost, tired and still trying.
Please pray for us
I’m so sorry! Have you considered filing a protective order and filing charges for the nude photos he has of you? And rape? You’re caught in the abuse cycle. Do you know where your local domestic violence organization is? They can help you. One of the tactics of abusers is to wear you down so much you don’t have the energy to get help. I totally get that. I will pray that you have enough energy to get to safety. Prayers are coming your way!
Abuse? Rape? I am confused … we went to therapist after i posted and i read your comment after we got home last night. I told him everything i told you and he told us it may be a relapse but its a “step in the right direction” because he told me and it wasnt another woman. I triedbro find out more info about the photos and my bf got angry (frustrated) and saud it wasnt more than twice but refused to answer them again. The therapist asked hiw he was feeling abiut my questions and he exclaimed “it feels lije i am under interrigation and she is only asking to catch me in a lie!” Tge therapist didn’t make him answer insteasd he nodded and said “so it feels like you are on trial for murder?” I began to cry silently – tears running down my face. I said he is on trial for murdering my heart. The therapist told tyen said we need to work on our communication. While i a still silently crying – he led us in a meditation to accept our feelings and let them go. He said to keep meditating and to keep a journal. He also told me i need to accept that if i stay, the relapses are going to continue and he needs to know if i am strong enough to handle that witbout belittling my bf. I said i felt ashamed, ugly and i need saftey now. I have been enduring this for years. He said we both have to ro work on our childhood issues first so my bf wont pay for the sins of my past partners. I need to control my self. He never said i was entitled to the truth now or in the past.
I am so confused. I never want to refuse sex or favors. I would rather act out his fantasies and trybro give him what he drsires from these women. I feel if i did all thosw things then he wouldnt have a reason to cheat. When he was still watching porn and looking for other oartners – i was giving him sex all the time. Sometimes 3 times a day. I gave him permission and i still do to try and find some sort of safety. It’s not rape if i allow it.. he doesnt hit me – no black eyes or broken bones. He is very sweet and kind unless i bring up infidelity, ask questions or remind him i still have triggers every second of every day. He said we wouldnt fight if i just let it go and trust him. Which i need more proof of honesty and commitment befoee i feel i can trust again.
I cannot go to a shelter – they will think i am ridiculous. Everybidy knows him and his mom she doesn’t feel porn is bad and just wants me to stop sskimg him questions too. She isnt concerned at all. I will be told i have no bruises and theu wont believe me. Plus the entire town will be against me. My familu feels sexual abuse is okay also and that i must keep my man satisfied to keep him from cheating. I feel i have given everything (physically emotionally mentally and spiritually) but i am not getting honesty and commitment to change in return. What am i doing wrong?
He listened to your podcast about abuse and grooming with me. At first i thought abuse was too strong of a word but you described our relationship . At the end he chuckled and said > i guess i abuse you… he does try – but i have seen him fool me hundreds of times and continue to lie – make excuses – change his story or tell me i am crazy for acusing an innocent man. I am all alone. Help.. thebtgerapisy didnt say anything about me feeling obligated to have sex and very painful sex at that. He tries to be gentle. He just moved onto that i need to accept this is how he is and to be patient while he works thru his own trauma. Now i feel selfish and abandoned. If i didnt value myself then why am i fighting so hard for him to treat me with honor and respect. I dont want to be just his sex toy… i want to be woman. A lady. A mother and a suppotive wife. I feel foolish – alone – selfish – and that i caused this by asking him to respect me. He said i am too demanding aand controlling and he has already changed. Sex is his reward and i seem to agree as that is more scary to say no. I feel the fear come flooding in uncontrollably when i want to say no and demand respect. He says he is waiting for me and sometimes he has to wait a week or even two weeks! It is torture for him and i feel so guilty… then i am afraid that he has another reason to cheat.
I am lost and feel so alone. I love him… your comments help and i keep reading my post to makw surr i am not making him out to be a monster. He isnt a monster and i still feel i deserve a faithful man but i also have never met one willing to wait for me. LORD HELP ME
I’m talking about going to the police. If he’s taking nude photos of you, it’s a crime. They might not press charges or do anything, but the therapist isn’t recognizing the abuse or harm. This therapist isn’t recognizing the situation for what it is. You need a therapist who is an expert at emotional abuse and sexual coercion – in other words, rape. Sexual coercion is a form of rape. Have you listened to this podcast on marital rape? The Truth About Wife Rape
All of these descriptions sound like things I do to my husband. Does that mean I am a narcissist?
I hate my husband and blame him for everything. I believe it is all his fault, because I do not have any problems at all, except him.
I don’t understand why my children prefer him over me. I am beautiful and kind, and deserve the best the world has to offer. I am so glad I found your site. Now I know that my problems will go away if I just divorce him and take away the children. Thank you so much.
If you’re even considering that you may be a narcissist – you’re not a narcissist:). Have you considered our daily, online group for support? https://www.btr.org/services/support-group/
I just want to THANK YOU, all of the BEAUTIFUL and COURAGEOUS WOMEN that are struggling as I am, doing your best to recover and being living proof that recovery is more than possible for each and every one of us. It has given me incredible strength to read your stories and feel your pain as if it were my own. I too am doing my best to recover from a 5 year long narcissistically-abusive relationship that took almost everything from me. Thank you for your strength and perseverance. YOU ARE FAR STRONGER AND MORE BEAUTIFUL THEN YOU COULDVE EVER IMAGINED POSSIBLE. GOD BLESS YOU.☆
Thank YOU. You are brave and strong!!
To the author: There is good information in this article. I’m currently unraveling away from an abusive marriage. Going on 2 1/2 years of no contact (except a brief attempt of his in a series of emails I finally had to block).
Two criticisms: can you please edit your article to fix grammatical and spelling errors to maintain is credibility so I can use this info with other women I know struggling with similar issues? I want to use it as critical thinking and sound psychological assistance. Secondly- I’m the think provided at the end (how do you know if your abuser isn’t changing), you use significant excerpts from your Book of Mormon. While it’s anecdotal in nature, it again undermines the sound psychology I am in need of as I secure my boundaries and healing, not based on a scripture story, but evidenced-based research and theory. Please consider reinforcing the content with stronger theory and credibility.
Thank you so much for your feedback! Can you please email your feedback to anne.blythe @ btr.org and I’ll send that over to our editor right away! Thank you!