What happens when churches don’t believe abuse victims? Unfortunately, nothing good for the victim. When a so-called representative of Christ supports essentially evil over a faithful woman it is shocking to women. When churches don’t believe abuse victims, the ensuing secondary trauma runs deep. Janice shares her story of what happened when the church didn’t believe her.

Sometimes, church leaders and congregants are well-meaning, but simply don’t know how to support abuse and betrayal victims. In this case, it’s best for clergy to direct victims to experts. Who can give them knowledgeable guidance and help to get to safety. If you need live support, attend a Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Session.

Clergy can provide spiritual support. This does not mean counseling victims to stay with their abusers. It means offering unconditional love and resources to the victim and her children. It means clergy should validate the victim’s pain and assure her that she is believed.

When Churches Give Victims Harmful Counsel

In the Betrayal Trauma Recovery community, those belonging to faith communities when churches don’t believe abuse victims. Women have shared harmful counsel, including:

• Just have more sex with your abusive husband
• Submit to sex however and whenever he wants you to do it
• Divorce is always the devil’s plan; if you decide to divorce your abuser, you are listening to Satan
• The church will abandon you if you choose to leave your abuser
• If he abuses you, it is because his needs are not met, so be a better “helpmeet”
• He uses pornography because you, the victim, are not sexual enough
• He lies to you because you are an angry woman
• Forgive and forget
• Trust him again, right away, in order to save your marriage
• There are two sides to every story – be charitable and see your part in this

Harmful and downright abusive “counsel” can send victims into a downward spiral. Many victims can become so traumatized by clergy that they face a faith crisis and may feel unable to participate in organized religion at all.

To discover if you’re emotionally abused, take our free emotional abuse quiz.

If Your Church Has Harmed You, Practice Self-Compassion

If you are or once were a member of a faith community, now facing a faith crisis, or have distanced yourself from church. You may feel ashamed, guilty, and isolated. Know that the secondary trauma you experienced because of ignorant, harmful and/or abusive clergy is not your fault. You trusted your church leaders, and they should have been there for you. But when churches don’t believe abuse victims, it is crushing.

Please practice self-care, seek support, and douse yourself in compassion. The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group is here for you. Join today and begin your journey to healing.

Transcript: What Happens When Churches Don’t Believe Abuse Victims?

Anne: I have a victim we’re going to call Janice on today’s episode, sharing her story. We’ll talk about when churches don’t believe abuse victims. She loves traveling and spending time with her family, especially her 10 grandchildren. Welcome, Janice.

Janice: Thank you, Anne. I appreciate it.

Anne: So, let’s start with your story.

Janice: I was a victim of domestic abuse for 23 years, but I didn’t recognize it until about the 23rd year. All those years, while in that marriage, we would contact counselors, pastors, usually we’d go to a pastor first. And they would treat it like a marital problem. And most of the time, the attempts to get help made things worse.

So, as it got worse over time, it was getting volatile. It really boggles my mind. That everywhere I turned to get help, whether it be the courts, law enforcement or counselors. Nobody knew how to deal with our situation. I came through a church where the pastor didn’t know what to do. He thought I should just get out of the marriage. And when he told me that, I thought, well, this man doesn’t know Jesus. So I left and went to a church that believed more like I did.

And they told me, well, you need to submit, as long as he’s not asking you to sin. And the more I submitted, obeyed, or bowed down to him, the more things would get worse. So seeing all these things just started a fire in me. I needed to do something, because I believe our God is a healer.

Understanding Trauma & Healing

Janice: It’s so funny when I look back on it, I didn’t know anything about trauma. I just know that the process I came through brought amazing healing in my life. And then when I started studying brain science in the last three or four years. I realized God knows the brain science. And when he tells us to meditate on his word, which is what I did, it actually reaches those traumatized parts of the brain.

Anne: I went through a similar experience where I tried to get help. It felt like I was screaming and yelling, like help me help me, and I was facing it head on. No one ever told me it was abuse. So all the people I went to for help from therapists and clergy, when churches don’t believe abuse victims, didn’t help, and you said the same thing. Why do you think women who are in emotionally and psychologically abusive relationships don’t know that they are?

Janice: It is so insidious, it sneaks up on us. It’s like the frog in boiling water analogy. The first lesson I learned in my relationship with my ex was that he had asked me a question. And I answered it in a way he didn’t like. He slammed on brakes, threw me out of the car and called me names. And then a day or two later, he calls back and apologizes. He doesn’t act angry again for a long time. So I just filed that away. Well, I’ll never do that again.

Janice: That was when I probably was 14 years old when I met him. And then by the time I’m 38 years old when I’m getting out, I have been brainwashed. There are about 5,000 things I’m not doing anymore.

The Cult-Like Dynamics Of Abusive Relationships

Janice: So the way I’m thinking has changed. Getting into these kinds of relationships is almost like getting in and out of a cult. It’s this gradual process that changes the way we think. It’s very hurtful to think that somebody would ever choose to treat us that way. And we know that is not love. First Corinthians 13, love is patient and kind, and it doesn’t insist on its own way. It’s not easily provoked. All the things that abuse is, right?

So for me, when I finally had to admit it was abusive, that was really painful. Because I loved him and was faithful and stood up for him, protected him. And even covered up his mess for so many years. Realizing that he had chosen to do nothing but hurt and use me. So that’s a really painful conclusion. So coming to admit that is pretty hard. It’s the first step to healing, but it is the hardest part of the healing process in my mind.

Anne: You know, many therapists don’t understand abuse. They don’t like the word victim. And when churches don’t believe abuse victims. They’re like, we don’t want to say the word victim because we don’t want people to feel powerless. And I agree. I don’t want anyone to feel powerless, especially a victim, but I love the word victim.

And the reason why I love it was because it meant it wasn’t me. It meant someone was doing something that I had no control over. And what I needed to do was get to safety, but that I was an actual victim. You know, I hadn’t done anything wrong.

When Churches Don’t Believe Abuse Victims; Empowerment & Moving Forward

Anne: And for me, when I finally embraced that word, it was so empowering. Now I tend to like the word shero more. Because once I recognized I had to be my own hero. And so do women in this situation. But I like the word victim, and I use it interchangeably with survivor and shero. It’s interesting how different women feel about the different terms.

Janice: We don’t want to stay victims, but we are victimized. Just like you said, it wasn’t our choice. It wasn’t our fault. And by its very meaning, that’s what the victim is about. That it wasn’t our fault. And it was not something that we could control.

Anne: Some of us are still victims. For me, as an example, I have an ex husband who is literally still abusive to me. I don’t think I’m in victim mode. But I am literally technically still a victim. I have moved into this empowered place where I’m separated from the harm. So even though he’s still abusive and I’m technically still a victim, it doesn’t feel like that anymore.

There are some moments where I just feel like, is this still happening? Is he still lying, gaslighting, and manipulating? But overall, my life has so much peace in it now. Women can move into their power, but still technically be victimized continually.

Janice: Oh, absolutely. You’re still being victimized, when churches don’t believe abuse victims. And we know in these situations that can go on for a long time after the separation and getting safe. They use the children, courts, anything they can to continue to make us miserable.

The Role Of The Church In Abuse

Anne: You mentioned your pastor said you need to get a divorce, and you thought to yourself, this man doesn’t know Jesus. I hear that a lot, actually. Many women hear my podcast or learn about Betrayal Trauma Recovery. And they think, Oh, that Anne, she just doesn’t know Jesus. Can you talk about why many Christians get stuck in that trap? When churches don’t believe abuse victims.

Janice: Absolutely. For me, I had actually grown up in a pretty liberal church. And then after I became a Christian, I moved to one that actually had some strict teaching on men’s and women’s roles. And so that’s what I got when I was in high school. That submission was taught like obedience.

And then, of course, all the years I became a homeschool mom. I listened to things like Focus on the Family, where they talk about how your children will be better off if you stay married. That divorce is so painful and hurtful to children. And my own parents had divorced, so I did not believe in divorce. It got to the point that my daughter, who was 12 years old at the time, said, Mom, why don’t you just get out? And I said, God hates divorce.

And she said, but he’s going to hate it much more when my mom is dead. She had more wisdom than me. The thing is when you look at that passage, it was actually meant to protect women. It wasn’t meant to be a burden or oppression.

Realizing The Need For Change

Janice: And so I had about a million things in my head that I had come to believe, and some of them were put there by my husband. He would say things like, you need to submit, I’m the head of this house. He would use scripture to keep me under control. We come to that point for many reasons. But a lot of it was me and the things I listened to and the things I believed.

Anne: How did you realize that submitting to abuse.was not what Jesus wanted? Especially when churches don’t believe abuse victims.

Janice: I don’t even know if I came to that recognition until after I got out. I just had to get out to save my life, honestly.

Before I got out, this is like 1995. My ex was a physician, so we paid $3, 000 and went to Omaha, Nebraska, and worked with a psychologist one on one for a week. And for the first time in my life, I saw something that actually spoke to what I was experiencing. They pulled out and showed me a power and control wheel. And when I saw that I had been telling myself, no, this is not abuse. He doesn’t mean it. He just flips out and he can’t control it.

It’s like a little nervous breakdown. I was making excuses for him. And when I saw that power and control wheel, it’s basically a definition. And all the tactics used in domestic violence. That is what they called it back then. They’re changing the terminology these days to coercive control. But I realized that he had used everything on that power and control wheel against me, and 90% of that is not physical abuse, not physical violence.

Learning About Abuse The Hard Way

Janice: Before that, I interpreted abuse as only physical. I had had some incidents, but they were few and far between. We could go years with no physical abuse. But then when they did happen, I would get shoved or blocked in a room. And there at the end, there was actually a strangulation attempt, and I got my head pounded into a steering wheel multiple times. As it’s progressive, it did build up and was worse towards the end than in the beginning.

Anne: Mm hmm, I had very little physical incidents until the last one where he was actually arrested. He sprained my fingers. So I still, even after that, and even after he was arrested, didn’t think he was abusive until I became educated about abuse. And then it was like, check, check, check, check. And I think that’s what women need. They need education about abuse to recognize it.

Janice: Their church is not understanding. Just like victims, we don’t understand the dynamics, so how can we expect them to understand it?

Anne: Yeah, I think church is an especially ripe place for abusers. Because if you look like a God fearing man and seem sincere, you’re attending church and doing service. They just can’t wrap their head around this person intentionally manipulates me and grooms me. So if he says, no, that’s not what happened, this is what happened. They’re not skeptical about what an upstanding member of their church would say.

It’s like church attendance, and being able to quote scripture and say a prayer is automatic trust in that community. And it’s unfortunate, because it makes it a ripe place for abusers to thrive. When churches don’t believe abuse victims.

When Churches Don’t Believe Abuse Victims: Physical vs. Emotional Abuse

Janice: Yeah, and you know they know that Jesus talked about wolves among sheep, right? So I think they know that and will actually use the church for their own gain. And when churches don’t believe abuse victims. I mean Paul talks about it in his epistles.

Anne: You and I both have physical abuse, as part of our stories. Some women have a lot of it, and some women have none. So let’s talk about victims of emotional abuse, psychological abuse, and sexual coercion. The result is betrayal trauma for the victim.

Janice: I would much rather he hit me because at least I know he’s going to back off. To me, the emotional abuse can be so much worse than physical, depending on the type of physical abuse.

Anne: Well, because it’s clear if someone punches you in the face. But when someone gaslights you or manipulates you and lies, you feel like you’re going crazy and don’t know what is going on. And I think that’s why it’s worse. If someone’s physically abused, we ask them to schedule an individual session with Coach Renee. So that she can help them get physical services from law enforcement or a physical domestic violence shelter in their area.

But any emotional or psychological abuser can start physically abusing at any time. There are so many stories of men who are psychologically and emotionally abusive only until they murdered their wife. And so I don’t think we should say, okay, if he hasn’t hit you, then you’re “only dealing with emotional abuse” and so you’re physically safe. Because no one is physically abused without being emotionally and psychologically abused.

Janice: Yes, that’s the thing we don’t know.

The Danger Of Leaving An Abuser

Janice: It’s usually when you decide to leave, it becomes far more dangerous. But I have seen situations where there was never any incident of physical abuse. I’ve got a friend whose husband was emotionally abusive, just emotionally abusive for 11 years. She left and went to her parents house. So he stormed in and killed her parents and left her for dead. If you’re living in fear, then there’s always that potential.

Sometimes people think, I’m done, I’ve had it, I’m getting out. And that can actually endanger you, saying to them, I’m leaving.

Anne: And that’s why at Betrayal Trauma Recovery, we have our groups. If that fear is there, getting help from your local resources like law enforcement is important. Because you need a team of people to help you escape. I think it is really important to know what all the risks are. Did you feel like you had betrayal trauma?

Janice: Well, I mean, just abuse is a huge betrayal of the bond that we are supposed to have. It is our most intimate relationship, so there’s nothing like that. It’s such a deep wound, but when I was going through it. I had a terrible incident happen one day. And I’m saying, Lord, nobody knows what this feels like. Nobody understands what I’m going through right now. Even when churches don’t believe abuse victims.

And I just felt like the Holy Spirit dropped all over me. And I could feel Jesus saying, I know. I know what betrayal by someone I love is like. I know what it’s like to have somebody I trusted turn on me. He was betrayed. So we have a God who understands.

Pornography As An Abuse Issue

Janice: When we experienced betrayal trauma, people didn’t appreciate us, they see us more as objects and possessions than partners. And so it’s just a really difficult thing to deal with. I haven’t seen a woman yet. Who’s come through this kind of thing that came out with her faith intact fully. I still had a lot of faith, but I also was really questioning God’s goodness. If he’s good, then why is he allowing this to happen to me?

Anne: Especially if you followed the counsel of your church. In my church, you obey the commandments and marry in the temple. That you made these covenants, and that you were chaste before marriage, and that you picked a godly man. You’re like, I did all those things, and none of those things protected me. And then when churches don’t believe abuse victims, it is hard.

At Betrayal Trauma Recovery, we talk repeatedly about pornography as a domestic abuse issue. I take a lot of heat for that. Many people think, she’s gone too far. It’s not abusive.

Janice: I definitely think they go hand in hand, whether somebody wants to define it that way. They go hand in hand, because the heart behind domestic abuse is basically objectifying as possessions. And that is exactly what pornography does. It’s looking at women as objects. I mean, it changes and rewires the brain so that men can have intimacy with women if they look at it enough.

Abusers have mindsets loaded with pride and entitlement, and again, pornography is also an entitlement issue. Like I can look at anything I want to any time. There are no rules for me when it comes to this department.

When Churches Don’t Believe Abuse Victims: A Coercion Issue

Janice: It is definitely the same mindset that you see with everything listed there on that power and control wheel that I talked about.

Anne: Yeah, it’s better to view pornography as an abuse issue because of those reasons, because you’ve got the objectification, the feeling that you don’t have control unless you have control over that type of mindset. That means if you’re in a relationship with an active pornography user. There’s going to be some kind of abuse, at least a consent issue if you’re not aware of his use.

If you think, oh, our relationship is chaste. Because you’re going to church, and he’s not giving you the opportunity to give consent because he’s withholding information, at the very least, that’s a sexual coercion issue.

Janice: Yeah, especially these guys who are addicted to pornography.

Anne: Absolutely, personally I’m so sick of it being an addiction issue, although it’s definitely addictive. But the way that the pornography addiction recovery community, and the way maybe pastors or therapists ask the victims of abuse to interact with their abuser. They’re saying, okay, be supportive of his recovery. He’s going to have relapses.

Well, that’s just another abuse episode. So you’re essentially asking an abuse victim to tolerate abuse. And it’s super dangerous for victims. And it also doesn’t do the abuser any favors. It’s not helping him change at all.

Janice: Yeah, absolutely. There should be zero tolerance for that. Just like there should be zero tolerance for abuse.

Anne: We’ve talked a bit about the church and the trouble the church is having in recognizing abuse, responding to it and not being manipulated by the abuser. And when churches don’t believe abuse victims.

Abusers Manipulating Clergy

Anne: We see so many pastors, bishops and church leaders manipulated and groomed by abusers. So when churches don’t believe abuse victims it is another betrayal.

Janice: Abusers can be charming and charismatic, and they can quote the scripture. That’s the hardest part when you’ve got an abuser who is so convincing. Many times the victim will look so scattered, so stressed that they don’t seem stable. And you’ve got an abuser who is such a conniver and manipulator that he looks stable.

And so it can be confusing. It is a complex issue that you cannot just get a very short training on and then jump into. You want to involve people who know what they’re talking about.

Anne: It’s even hard for victims to recognize the difference between a safe person and someone who says they’re safe. So for example, an addict in “recovery.” It’s very difficult for a victim to decipher those things. And if they’re checking off all the boxes, they’re going to 12 step, they’re going to church, it’s very difficult for people to really ferret out what’s going on.

It’s so interesting to me that we both have a similar story. Where we, and I mentioned this before, but I’ll mention it again. That we tried to go for help, we couldn’t find it. I want to get the word out. Don’t go down the pornography addiction recovery road without being well educated and understanding abuse.

Go down the abuse road, and then your questions will be answered. And you will be safer more quickly. That was my goal.

Identifying Abuse

Anne: After being in that pornography addiction recovery space for years and years. And didn’t get help. And never had these things identified as abuse when churches don’t believer abuse victims. For me, that was a big deal. If a woman is concerned that abuse might be too strong for the “great husband” she has, who just has a couple of problems. Maybe his only problems are he’s got an anger problem and a pornography problem, but a really good guy.

For women who can see these abusive behaviors, but they can’t quite wrap their head around it. This is his character. He has an abusive character. What would you say to them?

Janice: Well, you remember I talked about going out to Omaha, Nebraska to this program. And I told the guy facilitating our week long intensive. I said, he just loses it. He can’t control his anger. He just flips out and he starts breaking things and he goes, well, wait a minute. So when he’s breaking things, who’s stuff does he break? Does he break your stuff only or his stuff and everybody’s stuff?

And I said, well, it’s mostly my stuff. Then he says, does he flip out on people at work like that? And I said, no, not really. He said well, then that tells me that he’s got control over this. He’s choosing this behavior. Many times, the truth is ugly. We have to admit that ugly truth before we can embrace beautiful truths.

When Churches Don’t Believe Abuse Victims: Asserting Control In Select Moments

Janice: And the truth is that he uses kindness to manipulate. It’s not that he’s losing control at all. It’s that he’s using, whether it be anger or kindness, he’s using both to control.

Anne: Yeah, he’s not out of control. He asserts control in those moments. So when churches don’t believe abuse victims, they see never see him abusing his wife. The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Living Free Workshop helps victims figure out what is really happening.

Janice: Yeah, and that was a painful eye opener to me. I needed one to finally move towards healing.

Anne: That was a big one for me too. Thank you so much for coming on today’s episode.

Janice: Well, thank you for having me. I enjoyed it.