What happens when churches don’t believe abuse victims? Unfortunately, nothing good for the victim.
Women of faith are often shocked when a so-called representative of Christ supports essentially evil over a faithful woman.
When churches don’t believe abuse victims, the ensuing secondary trauma runs deep. Janice shares her story of what happened when the church didn’t believe her.
When Churches Simply Don’t Know How To Help Victims
Sometimes, church leaders and congregants are well-meaning but simply don’t know how to support abuse and betrayal victims.
In this case, it’s best for clergy to direct victims to experts who can give them knowledgable guidance and trained help to get to safety.
Clergy can provide spiritual support. This does not mean counseling victims to stay with their abusers. It means offering unconditional love and resources to the victim and her children. It means validating the victim’s pain and assuring her that she is believed.
When Churches Give Victims Harmful Counsel
In the BTR community, those belonging to faith communities have shared harmful counsel from church leaders, including:
- Just have more sex with your abusive husband
- Submit to sex however and whenever he wants you to do it
- Divorce is always the devil’s plan; if you decide to divorce your abuser, you are listening to Satan
- The church will abandon you if you choose to leave your abuser
- If he abuses you, it is because his needs are not being met, so be a better “helpmeet”
- He uses pornography because you, the victim, are not sexual enough
- He lies to you because you are an angry woman
- Forgive and forget
- Trust him again, right away, in order to save your marriage
- There are two sides to every story – be charitable and see your part in this
Harmful and downright abusive “counsel” can send victims into a downward spiral. Many victims can become so traumatized by clergy that they face a faith crisis and may feel unable to participate in organized religion at all.
If Your Church Has Harmed You, Practice Self-Compassion
If you are or once were a member of a faith community and are now facing a faith crisis or have distanced yourself from church, you may be feeling ashamed, guilty, and isolated.
Know that the secondary trauma that you experienced because of ignorant, harmful and/or abusive clergy is not your fault. You trusted your church leaders and they should have been there for you.
Please practice self-care, seek support, and douse yourself in compassion.
The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group is here for you. Join today and begin your journey to healing.
It’s so sad how people are weaponizing Mark 10:9 Let no one separate what God has joined together against victims of abuse.
Now surely God did not bring the two together if he is behaving like this? A sinful and abusive marriage is not a marriage in the eyes of God if you ask me. They don’t get to just pick and choose from the Bible.
I love this – really informative – putting the safety of the victim and the children first.
Keep it up.
I am going through abuse by the church how and where do I get help ??
I’m so sorry you’re going through this! We suggest two things: attend a Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Session to talk with other women who have been through this and understand.
And enroll in The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Living Free Workshop – the workshop will teach you safety strategies to deal with the emotional and psychological abuse you’re dealing with from the church.