It’s not “just” emotional abuse. Is emotional abuse considered domestic violence? Yes. Evie, a survivor of domestic violence, shares how talking about all the emotional abuse she suffered amounted to emotional abuse.

If you relate, there’s support available. Attend a Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Session TODAY.

Emotional Abuse Is Domestic Violence Too

Because victims of emotional abuse rarely have visible bruises, that doesn’t mean it’s not domestic violence. Emotional abuse leaves emotional injuries that might be invisible, but still very real.

At Betrayal Trauma Recovery, we regard emotional abuse as the serious and degrading abuse it is. Join the Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group and get support now.

Domestic Violence Starts With Emotional Abuse (Physical Comes Later)

Tragically, victims of domestic violence always endure emotional abuse. If there’s ever physical abuse, you can know that there is emotional abuse as well. Physical abuse is never a stand-alone issue.

To discover if you’re emotionally abused, take this FREE emotional abuse quiz.

When Emotional Abuse Survivors Share Their Stories, Healing Can Begin

Abusers maintain power and control over their victims by taking away their right to speak the truth. Women find it difficult to even articulate what has happened to them, because the abuser has so subtly and sometimes threateningly taken that right away.

When victims are ready, they often find that sharing their stories, even a little bit at a time, can help them begin their journeys to healing. Many women start sharing their stories in Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Sessions.

Transcript: Is Emotional Abuse Considered Domestic Violence?

Anne: Is emotional abuse considered domestic violence? Yes, emotional abuse is considered domestic violence. A domestic violence survivor will share her story with us today. And we’re going to explain why. Because it’s important to understand why emotional abuse is considered domestic violence. In fact, I think it’s the most important one, because physical violence never occurs without emotional abuse.

So if everyone can learn to recognize emotional abuse and protect themselves from it. Your chances of physical harm go down drastically. To illustrate how emotional abuse is domestic violence. My book Trauma Mama Husband Drama. really helps, because it is an actual picture book. There are a ton of infographics in the back that illustrate this type of domestic violence and explain why emotional abuse is domestic violence.

It’s an extremely quick read. So if you have people around you that are having a difficult time wrapping their heads around what you’re going through, this book is the perfect way to educate them. You can find Trauma Mama Husband Drama on this link, which is my books page. It’ll just take you to Amazon. You can also find it on Amazon.

When you purchase it, circle back around and give it a five star rating, because so many women are searching for books, and they find, The Five Love Languages or Men are From Mars, books that are not helpful. So if you rate it, it’ll help women find this podcast. Which is free to everyone, even if they never purchased the book. All right.

Evie’s Story: Finding Her Voice

Anne: Now, let’s get to this week’s guest. Welcome, Evie.

Evie: Thank you so much for having me.

Anne: Let’s start by sharing your own story. How has sharing your story helped you heal?

Evie: When I first left my abuser, sharing my story was one of the first things I did. I have always been a writer. When I was with him, he took my voice away in more ways than one. And one of those was that he would constantly criticize my writing and wouldn’t let me keep journals. And so I turned to writing and sharing my story to start healing and find my voice after emotional abuse.

It was important for me to have my story written out in journal form. Just so I could validate what happened to me. And remember, these are the details. This is actually what happened. I wasn’t persuaded and manipulated by the after effects of gaslighting. So I felt validated and empowered.

Anne: When you start talking about domestic violence, many people assume it must involve a physical violent act, and that’s actually not the case.

Domestic abuse and domestic violence are interchangeable. Someone can be an emotionally violent abuser without ever laying a finger on their victim. I frequently say domestic abuse rather than domestic violence. Just so women who haven’t been hit or punched don’t think, oh, this isn’t for me because I haven’t been physically harmed.

And also, many people don’t realize that emotional abuse is a domestic abuse issue. It is under the umbrella of domestic violence. It’s also very typical that it never escalates to physical abuse.

Emotional Abuse vs. Physical Abuse

Anne: That’s when women also get very confused. Because they try to figure out what’s wrong. At least for me and so many other victims that I know, they went through years of emotional and psychological abuse where they couldn’t quite figure it out.

And then once a violent act happened. It helped them see what was happening. So I try to help them identify emotional and psychological abuse long before the physical violence starts. Do you feel like a lot of the emotional abuse and the psychological abuse left more damage in its wake than the physical?

Evie: Yeah, it started with emotional abuse and psychological abuse, and eventually escalated to sexual abuse and then physical violence. And I definitely think things like stonewalling and gaslighting have left a toll on me. It’s still something that I’m trying to heal from every day. It’s one of those things where some days I’ll be great. And some days it comes back full force. And I will have the negative self talk in my head.

The physical abuse for me, again, was definitely the indicator that, Oh yeah, my gut was right. This is not okay. I’ve healed from that. I think for sure.

Anne: That’s how I am too. Quite a bit of physical intimidation, one where I was actually injured. But the psychological and emotional abuse is definitely the most lasting for me. And for women who haven’t experienced any physical violence. I want to reiterate, you’re still experiencing domestic abuse, and that psychological and emotional abuse are domestic violence issues. You can’t separate them out. You’re never ever going to get physical violence without emotional and psychological violence.

In what ways have you shared your story?

emotional abuse Is considered domestic violence: Sharing Stories for Healing

Evie: Yes, I shared my story in your community, so it was in front of a supportive audience. Talking to community members, so I’ve become comfortable doing that. I was able to talk about my experience with survivors who say, Hey, yeah, me too, because there’s so much power in knowing that you’re not going through something alone. And knowing that you can heal and grow alongside people.

I was lucky after I left my abuser. I sprung into healing mode. Also, I was fortunate enough to find a community which I clicked with. There were three things that I appreciated. One of them was the power to share my story, get my voice back, and share my truth and not feel suppressed. And the second one was connecting with all these other survivors. I think community was huge.

My experience, which was validated, and helped me know that I wasn’t alone. Because it’s so easy to think, wow, this doesn’t happen to anyone else. So knowing there were other women, and for me, they were all older than me. And I was the youngest one going through it at the time. It was great. And then the third thing I got out of it was education. I’m originally from a very small town. And had my story happened back in my small hometown, I would have had that same opportunity.

And so It was great to share. No matter where I was, as long as I had internet access. I think those three pieces are huge stepping blocks for any survivor.

Anne: Now, I can tell from the way you’re talking that you like the word survivor, which is awesome. I prefer the word victim.

Labels: Survivor vs. Victim

Anne: And I’ll tell you why. not saying this to convince you or anyone else. But the reason why I like the word victim is because survivor to me feels like you survived the Titanic or something, right? Like, you got off the Titanic, and the Titanic sank, and you made it to shore, and you survived. The harm is over, but with emotional abuse and domestic violence it may continue because you share children.

And because I share children with the man who is emotionally and psychologically abusive to me, I’m actually, literally constantly a victim. Literally, I’m still technically victimized. I’m still lied about, I’m still harmed through things he says. When I say victims, what I want to say is that women can protect themselves, even though the harm could still occur because they share children or for whatever circumstance.

And so the reason I don’t like to call myself a survivor is because I’m like, I haven’t survived anything. I’m still struggling through this as safe as possible with the boundaries I have. What are your thoughts about that, as you’ve talked with other survivors?

Evie: Yeah, I think labels are important for people. You know, many people want to go by thriver too. I think it is a popular word that’s surfacing in the survivor community. But yeah, labels are personal for people, so I think whatever you want to identify as, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. It’s your story, and however you want to be identified, that is okay.

Anne: Yeah, I agree. I feel like you can thrive, you can survive. And I’m not sure if I will say I’m technically a victim forever. And actually I’m pretty happy and grateful to have the boundaries that I have.

emotional abuse and domestic violence: Options for defining your experience

Anne: Hey, current Anne will interject here. I recorded this interview years ago. Before I had the Living Free strategies. Click that link to learn more about strategies that can protect you. I still call myself a victim because he’s still abusive. But luckily, I can completely protect myself and my kids now. And now back to my years ago, self, who wasn’t sure I could ever be completely protected.

I’m not sure if the abuse has stopped or if it will ever stop. If I want to change how I think about that. But I want to give people options if survivor, victim, thriver or shero doesn’t speak to them. Shero is another word I like. So it depends on you and your personal situation and how you see it. I think if I didn’t have to have any interaction anymore with the man who emotionally abuses me. I think I would like the word survivor, but since I still have that court ordered mandated interaction.

As you know, if you listen to this podcast, sharing stories is what this podcast is about. So if you’re interested in sharing your story, one option is to share it here on the Betrayal Trauma Recovery Podcast. If you’re interested in sharing your story, please contact podcast@btr.org. As women think about sharing, what are some safety tips you would recommend?

Is emotional abuse considered domestic violence: Safety Tips for Sharing Your Story

Evie: I think it’s important to listen to your intuition and figure out what is a safe audience for you. Maybe you tell a best friend, and if that goes well. Then you tell a family member, and if that goes well, maybe you tell your circle of friends. I think it’s really important to note that we don’t always get the response we’re hoping for especially with emotional abuse.

I told some family members, and I thought I would get support and love, and that didn’t happen. And it’s okay to go at your own pace. If you tell someone and you don’t get a reaction that you should, that’s not on you. That’s on them. And if you want to take a break from sharing your story, then take a break.

But if you want to keep sharing your story, keep looking for safe outlets to do so. Tell other survivors. I think that’s important. You know, those can be great ways to share your story. Because you’re sharing it with someone and people who do understand, because they’ve been through something similar. They’ll know how to support you and love you.

And so I think those baby steps are important. And if you want to get your story out there to a bigger audience. Yeah, your podcast. You share your truth anonymously. But you’re also protected. You do a great job. Because you don’t have to connect your name with your story. You can share your story anonymously and still feel like you’re getting your voice out there.

Using Pseudonyms for Protection

Evie: It’s really just listening to your gut and figuring out, what do I need from sharing my story? And I know for me personally it was, I need to get my voice back.

Anne: We recommend that every woman on this podcast uses a pseudonym for her own protection. Before I started this podcast, I was actually public speaking about what was happening with my abuser, thinking he was in recovery from addiction. We used our real names and spoke publicly at addiction recovery conferences.

When I discovered all those lies that I accidentally promoted someone as a great guy, when he was a wolf in sheep’s clothing. I felt devastated. That was really, really hard for me to deal with. Having had the experience of using my real name and then doing this, I definitely chose to use a pseudonym so that I don’t have to go through that again, because that was awful. So that is one thing that I recommend for victims is to use a pseudonym. It’s helpful to keep you safe.

Evie: Yes, absolutely.

Anne: I don’t think many non-survivors listen to this podcast. If they do, thank you. I’m honored by you listening. Mostly the people that listen here are current victims of emotional and psychological abuse and sexual coercion.

The Importance of Non-Survivors Hearing These Stories

Anne: Why do you think it’s important for non-survivors to hear these stories of abuse?

Evie: It’s so important. I think awareness is huge. The more people who know what it’s like to be a survivor and the intricacies of being a survivor, the better. Because then we’re going to have healthier friends. We’re going to have healthier family members, healthier bosses and coworkers.

Yes, and for me, it’s always been important to share outside of survivor groups as well. I’ve been public with my story for so long that I’m not too concerned about the backlash anymore, whether people believe me or not. So I’m not necessarily trying to persuade people who don’t want to believe me.

I’m just trying to make sure that if there is one person out there hearing my story, who needs to hear what I’m saying. That’s who my audience is. Because whether they’re not a survivor, or they are, and they just don’t want to come to terms with that yet. I think it’s so important to ensure that we’re just spreading our truth.

Anne: Yeah, that is a risky endeavor, to start sharing. The cool thing about when you start sharing is that you’ll know pretty quickly if it’s a safe situation or not. You can dip your toe in the water a little bit and see, is it safe to share with this person, with this group, or with these people? And you’ll know pretty quickly if it’s safe or not. And if it’s not safe, you can just back away.

emotional abuse and domestic violence: Learning to Identify safe people

Anne: This is current and interjecting again, to say the Betrayal Trauma Recovery Living Free Workshop will teach you how to know if someone is safe or not. So, if you’re struggling with that right now, the BTR Living Free Workshop will help. Okay. Now back to years ago, Anne.

And then the more you share and assess your emotional safety, the more you can identify a safe group. I think probably in your case, but I’m not sure. Don’t let me put words in your mouth if this is not the case. That now you feel like your support system, not just the other survivors you’re around, but also your friends and the people you interact with, feel safe for you. Is that the case?

Evie: Oh, absolutely.

Anne: Yeah, and you’ve developed that over time. So that’s awesome. And that’s what can come from reaching out and starting to share. Has anyone seemed safe at first, and then proved not safe?

Evie: Yeah, I think that was particularly true with my family, you know, their family. And so obviously they get a little bit deeper level of initial trust and love from you.

That almost hurt the most for me. Because certain family members helped me when I needed to move out. And then later on kind of used my story against me and made me the black sheep of the family. But, as hard as that was, I’m in a good place now where I’m definitely setting healthier boundaries and able to understand what is acceptable respect and love from people. And it’s never easy to cut toxic family members out of your life.

Boundaries & Support network

Anne: Yep, the longer you go with either no abuse happening in your life anymore. Or in my case, the longer I set pretty strict boundaries to keep me safe from the harm, the stronger we get. In healing from emotional abuse and domestic violence the most important factor is distance from the abuse.

And I highly recommend that women join a network of support, like Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group, for example. That runs multiple times a day in every woman’s time zone, which is awesome. I talked to someone the other day. He said, oh, so BTR is a women’s empowerment organization. And I said, yeah, you could call it that, definitely. We want every woman to know she is important, cared about, loved, and doesn’t deserve harm.

The Beginning of the Relationship: Red Flags

Anne: So before we conclude today, can you talk about the beginning of your relationship? Can you talk about maybe the emotional abuse in the form of grooming that took place and then how that felt looking back?

Evie: Yeah, of course. Like I said, I come from a small town, so I met my abuser when I first moved. Isolation is huge, but that was the first big hurdle he didn’t have to cross. Because I didn’t have any family or friends in this new state. Already I was vulnerable, just because I didn’t know anybody. And so it’s so much harder when your gut tells you one thing. And you don’t have anybody else that you trust to bounce those thoughts and feelings off of.

Initially, there were a lot of silent red flags in our relationship. He was jealous. That didn’t sit well with me. He was very quick to say things like, I love you. And I remember he said I was like, oh. I don’t feel that way yet. It’s been like a month or two. This is very fast. He reacted negatively to the fact that I wouldn’t say it back. And I was like, I just don’t want to lie to you.

So things like love bombing at the beginning. It made it that much harder when the love bombing stopped. Because he yanked that away from me. And suddenly it went from, wow, at the beginning of a relationship. All he could do was shower me with compliments and say how much he loved me. And now I’m not getting any of that.

Is emotional abuse considered domestic violence: The Role of Pornography & Other Abuses

Evie: And so things like that were really big, and arguing with him was very hard. He would make me feel like I overreacted to everything, and that my reactions were not valid. And that he didn’t say or do whatever was brought up. And then I also felt very intimidated.

He reminded me about other women he dated. And things he did to them when they left him. And so I remember only a couple months in. He let me know the ways he hurt other women. If I leave, what is he going to do to me?

Anne: Were you aware of any exploitative material?

Evie: I definitely knew that that was a thing for him.

Anne: Did you find that to be a sign of abuse, or was it like, oh, everybody does this? How did you feel about it at the time?

Evie: Yeah, I don’t know that was something that was at the forefront of my mind.

Anne: So you weren’t concerned about the pornography use. That wasn’t necessarily a red flag for you. For me it’s important for women to understand that emotional abuse and infidelity go hand in hand. It’s interesting to me because women who exploitative material is an issue for them. They don’t recognize, that emotional abuse is considered domestic violence? Maybe or the psychological abuse. When they find out about the use, they know something’s wrong, because they know this is a person who has told me he’s not going to use it. So the level of lying there gets intense, but he was lying to you about other things?

Financial Abuse & Career Jeopardy

Evie: Definitely, I found out he cheated on me, and I think I had always had that in the back of my mind. When that came out, that was huge for me, and there was some financial abuse. And all of that definitely hurt. I was always very proud of my career and the fact that I was the first person in my family to graduate and get a degree. So when he put my career in jeopardy, that was the biggest red flag for me that emotional abuse is domestic violence. Yes, I couldn’t forgive that.

Anne: Thank you so much for sharing your story on our podcast today.

Evie: Thank you so much for having me.