Emotional Abuse and Infidelity: The Link No One Sees

Did you know that emotional abuse and infidelity always happen together?

If your husband has been unfaithful, take this free emotional abuse quiz to see if you’re experiencing any of the 19 types of emotional abuse that occurs with infidelity.

Betrayal Is Abuse Because It Involves All These Psychological Abuse Tactics

1. Lying

He lies to hide infidelity, secret spending, or pornography use. Betrayal never happens without lying.

Hiding things like watching pornography, having secret relationships, or not being honest about money are forms of abuse.

This kind of lying is meant to control the situation and stop the victim from making choices to keep herself safe.

2. Gaslighting

He makes his wife question her own feelings, memories, and what she sees. He tells her she’s remembering things wrong or that she’s just overreacting, even when something is clearly wrong.

Abusers tell lies or create a fake version of what’s real to stay in control. This makes victims feel confused because their gut tells them one thing, but the abuser’s words or actions say something different.

3. Breaking Down Confidence

Abusers slowly hurt a person’s self-esteem over time. They might do this by always criticizing them, making mean jokes about them, or ignoring their feelings.

Want to learn more about the 19 types of emotional abuse? Take this free emotional abuse quiz.

Why Infidelity is Abusive

Betrayal isn’t just about broken trust—it affects how victims see themselves and the world.

When an abuser manipulates or lies, it interferes with the victim’s ability to trust their own instincts. Over time, this puts her in more and more danger.

How to Spot Abusive Betrayal

Here are signs that betrayal is abuse:

• Blaming you for their wrongdoings (e.g., “It’s your fault I did this”)
• Hiding or denying harmful actions.
• Criticizing or minimizing your emotions when you bring up concerns.
• Using religious or cultural systems to justify harmful behavior.

Healing From Betrayal

Healing from betrayal takes time, but here are steps you can take:

• Acknowledge the Abuse: Learn more about this type of abuse by listening to The FREE Betrayal Trauma Betrayal Recovery Podcast
• Get the Right Support: Join our online betrayal trauma support group.
• Learn Safety Strategies To Protect Yourself: Enroll in The Clarity After Betrayal Workshop to discover if your husband is emotionally abusive and learn emotional safety strategies to protect yourself.

Remember, you deserve respect and honesty, always.

Why Infidelity is Emotionally Abusive

If he’s unfaithful, he’ll subtly pretend like he’s not the type to be unfaithful, which is emotional abuse. If he’s cheated on you, but he’s said anything like the statements below, he’s emotionally abusive:

• Showing immense (false) compassion for women who have been cheated on
• Showing immense (false) compassion for men who have cheated on their wives, offering spiritual, religious, or emotional support to them and offering to be his “good husband” mentor or supporting the guy on his “journey to change”
• Bearing testimony or other public forms of admission of their prior life as a cheater (even if it was last week);
• Enrolling in or starting a program to help unfaithful men change (becoming a life coach, abuse coach, new-age coach, fitness coach, counselor, therapist, 12-step sponsor, religious leader, becoming active or more active in church communities, yoga guru, cult leader, social media influencer, or self-published author)
• Insisting that others do not label them as previous or currently “abusive”, but rather someone who used to be a sinner or some other euphemism, even though he’s still lying and manipulating everyone around him

If they’re unable to find success, they often claim it’s because they are victims. Those who ruined their reputations thwart them. Perhaps their faith community excommunicated them or they lost credibility in their community due to an arrest.

Emotional Abuse and Infidelity May Sound Like This

Be warned: If he says, “Don’t worry, if you choose to divorce, I understand. I’ll always take care of you and make sure you and the kids are provided for no matter what you decide,” there is a HIGH probability he’s grooming you. Abusers use this line to find out if the victim is seeking a divorce. They know it’s in your best interest to keep your decisions private until you’re ready to take action. This is one reason why you should prepare for divorce.

If he says these words, hear what he’s ACTUALLY saying, “I’m manipulating you to stay. Or so I can know what moves your going to make first, so I can railroad you in divorce.”

We know the shock and pain of realizing he’s not actually changing, but just manipulating you into believing he’s changing – by playing up his public images and making promises he doesn’t intend to keep.

Transcript: Emotional Abuse and Infidelity

Anne: So it’s going to be me today on the podcast talking about emotional abuse and infidelity. I had an abuser contact me and say he liked the podcast. He has some questions, and he wanted to come on the podcast to talk to me about it. And I was like, Hmm, I’m not going to have you on the podcast. Let me see if I can address these questions and also the entitlements behind them.

His first question is, if every man says I used to look at pornography, but I no longer do, is lying. What I hear is that Anne does not want any men in recovery to discuss it, which leads me to the challenge of withholding the truth, which is what I was doing and no longer want to do anymore. I don’t understand what he’s saying here.

Anne does not want any men in recovery to discuss it. I don’t remember saying that. If I did, it was taken out of context. And then he goes on to say, Or why should any man even try to stop because there is no hope? And once an abuser, always forever will be an abuser, a lying pornography user. In other words, as a listener, an abuser trying to work recovery, I am receiving a mixed signal. So do I think a man should discuss it? Yes or no?

What I’m concerned about is grooming with a goal. So I hope abusers do not listen to this podcast. First of all, it’s not for them. It’s to keep women safe. And I don’t want to give abusers a checklist of things to do to appear safe when they are not.

Observing Actions Over Words

Anne: The thing that concerns me is any talk. Whether it’s about what they used to do or what they’re working on not doing now, as grooming. I am not opposed to honesty. But what is the intent of the honesty? Is it a fake sort of vulnerable honesty to give the victim the impression that he’s honest? He told me these certain things. Not realizing that there are many other things that he’s keeping secret when he uses emotional abuse to cover up infidelity.

The whole thing is problematic. I do think abusers can change, but the question for victims of abuse is. Are they safe currently? Is this grooming or is this current safe behavior? If it’s not safe behavior, then we need to distance ourselves, set boundaries, take a step back and observe from a safe distance.

We cover all this in The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Living Free Workshop. We have a section about abuser questions and how to see the questions for what they really are. Because words just don’t matter so much. We need to watch actions. So the best thing for victims to do, I think, is not to ask the abuser, are you in recovery? What are you doing? But just make boundaries for her safety. And from a safe distance, observe what types of actions does he take to ensure her safety?

For example, if she says, Hey, I feel unsafe. I would feel safer if you moved out of the house. So he moves out of the house. Does he shut down her bank account? That would be a sign that he’s unsafe. Or is he making sure she has enough money for food, housing, all the things she needs? Watch the actions.

Listener’s Second Question

Anne: Here’s the second question. He says that on one of the episodes. That a guest said, or words to the effect that men in recovery like to talk about themselves. And when they talk about their recovery, or where they are in recovery, they have not changed. And they should not talk about it. I am not saying these men should not talk about it. I say it doesn’t matter if you do. That’s all. You can talk about it all you want, but women don’t listen to their words. Watch their actions.

Whether he wants to talk about recovery is up to him. I’m not saying whether he should talk about it or not. Because abusers frequently use words for grooming. I’m telling victims, don’t put too much stake in any of his words, regardless of what they say. Let’s say he says, “I hate you. I’ve always hated you. You’re unattractive. You’re the worst.” That’s also something to just dismiss, because he says that on purpose to harm you, there’s always a goal.

He says, “Cannot I be excited about all I have learned and share it to try and pass the word and teach others before they end up like me, or worse?” Go ahead. What is the goal? Is it to manage your image? Is it because you’re excited? Are you genuinely changed? Take some time, observe your own behaviors.

And again, this podcast isn’t for abusers. It’s for abuse victims, but that sounds dangerous to me. What are they doing that for? Were they caught? And they’re trying to tell everyone, you know, how amazing they are. He says, I also think of it as accepting Jesus and wanting to tell the world what I did.

Emotional Abuse And Infidelity: Spiritual Abuse & Genuine Change

Anne: Most victims have heard, don’t you believe in Jesus, don’t you believe in the atonement? It just is spiritual abuse, if an abuser believes in Jesus and accepts him, great, his behavior should change. The interesting thing about these questions is that he’s not even mentioned, doing, which is what concerns us as victims, right? That’s what we want to see.

He says, “I’m so excited about learning that I was an abuser, and I want everyone to know what I’ve learned.” And then he says something interesting, “I honestly do not care if it’s brainwashing.” As if what, women are brainwashing him to think he’s an abuser? So there is this element that like, maybe it’s not true, but I’m going to do it.

Because then he goes on to say, if it works and changes me to no longer abuse or rape my wife. To be completely open and honest, living authentically in all areas of my life. And being an example to my, and it goes on and on about John one and how to correctly love and treat my wife. And to me, it’s all talk. That’s what concerns me about these questions. Less talking and more doing from abusers is what victims need to see.

This also concerns me, because he says after one of the podcasts that discussed planning for divorce secretly, because they do not know how the man will react. This is why women should prepare for divorce carefully.

Yes, that’s what all domestic abuse advocates and experts recommend, right? You need to plan ahead when you face emotional abuse and infidelity.

Planning For Divorce & Respecting Boundaries

Anne: And then he says, so I asked if my wife or ex-wife, he doesn’t say if they’re in divorce proceedings or what, would let me call her. If she doesn’t want you to call her, then don’t ask her if you can call her. That’s not respectful. If she says please don’t call me, and then you say, “Can I call you?”

And you think, I’m respectful because she said not to call her, and I’m just going to ask her. No, this is a very gaslighting quote, and this is one that I hear abusers say a lot that are not changed. And he says this, and I’m just going to read it. He says, “At this point, I made the hardest decision against my wants and desires. And let her know that her feeling safe should she decide to divorce me is important to me.”

“And I did not want her worried about how I would react.” Basically, he wants to say, look, I want to find out if she wants to divorce me. I’m afraid she’s going to surprise me, so I’m going to try to intervene here and manipulate her into telling me when she probably shouldn’t be telling me, whether or not couples should stay together after infidelity.

I’m worried this guy is listening to my podcast to weaponize it against his wife or soon to be ex-wife. That’s my main concern, that this guy’s weaponizing it. And if he’s still listening, please stop. Don’t listen to my podcast anymore. If you have changed, stop listening to the podcast to weaponize and bear up your reputation. It’s scary.

Manipulation & Weaponizing Information

Anne: Then on his own abuse, he says, it breaks my heart that men continue to abuse as I had done, but in very nasty ways. And goes on to say a bunch of stuff that I’m thinking he does. The reason why I did not want him to come on the podcast. Is because I’m worried he would use the podcast. And try to act like he’s so changed, through his words, to manipulate his wife into staying with him. When she does not want to, to continue his emotional abuse.

Because I’m not able to observe his actions or talk to his wife or ex-wife. These types of messages I get are problematic. So I just wanted to share with you that those are some of the things I receive from abusers. And I don’t want to give them air time to further manipulate. Here’s another one from a wife whose husband was totally into Betrayal Trauma Recovery saying he was, and he was like, hey, I’m completely into BTR.

It’s amazing, I’ve listened to it. it’s changed me. And then his wife said, be forewarned. My husband or ex, I’m not sure, has gone completely off the rails. He’s now actively calling men he recommended Betrayal Trauma Recovery to. And telling them how incredibly horrible and damaging it is. It’s interesting because he was trying to groom his wife and be like, I listen to Betrayal Trauma Recovery. It’s amazing. And he had a goal in mind.

When that goal did not work, I don’t know exactly what the goal was. But like maybe to move back in or maybe for his wife to talk to him again when it didn’t work.

Emotional Abuse And Infidelity: Abusers’ Control Tactics

Anne: Instead of staying the course and saying, okay, yeah, Betrayal Trauma Recovery is fine, I’m sad. She didn’t want to let me back in, but that’s her prerogative. He decided then to be like, nevermind, BTR is bad. And call everyone and say, you know, that thing I told everyone was amazing. It’s actually bad. Who knows if he actually did that? That’s another question I had.

He says he called everyone and told them how Betrayal Trauma Recovery is great. But my guess is he called one or two people. And now he’s calling them back and telling them it’s bad. Apparently, Betrayal Trauma Recovery teaches men that they just have to lie down and take any and all abuse from their crazy wives simply because they made a little mistake.

This is a very classic abuser move that they might a husband grooms his wife. for a minute to see if they can get back in the house or have the goal they want. And then they don’t want to give up their entitlements. They don’t want to give up their exploitative privilege at this point. So once they’re faced with what they would have to give up to stop abusing, wait a minute. I can’t even call her to ask if she wants to talk to me. Even though she’s already told me she doesn’t want to talk to me.

Wait a minute. I can’t move back in the house? Wait a minute. I’m not going to talk to her every day to manipulate her and convince her of my point of view. The wife gets concerned. So she reached out and said, I have no idea if he’d be bold enough to make a public statement against Betrayal Trauma Recovery.

Understanding Abusers’ Perspective

Anne: But just so you know, he’s actively trying to turn men against you. And now he’s saying everything is the wife’s fault, because these men just have to lie down and we complain they’re not flat enough. Abusers want control. So they want power over. When things are equal, when the truth is laid bare. You observe their actions, and you are on equal ground, that feels like oppression to them. That feels like someone has power over them.

Because to feel equal from their perspective, and this is explained well in the book The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans. To feel equal for an abuser, he must feel over. If he is actually equal, like the truth is out, you see him for what he is, you’re both living in reality. He feels abused. He feels oppressed. That does not feel like equality to him. Then abusers say things like, I’ve given up everything, and it’s not good enough, and now I’m the one being abused.

That’s just not the case. They’re just not able to live in that space where they don’t have power over. They feel uncomfortable and oppressed. The wife, the one warning me about him, she said. When he said this, I laughed out loud. His brain is twisted right now. It’s insane. He thinks he’s lying so flat, but in reality, he’s not. He still hasn’t given his entitlements up. He’s still not telling the truth. He’s still gaslighting and lying, which is emotional abuse all to hide and excuse his infidelity.

Final Thoughts On Grooming & True Change

Anne: The reason I’m bringing this up is that all abusers ask questions for a purpose. And usually it’s to groom or get information to weaponize. We cover all this in The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Living Free Workshop. We just observe apathetically from a safe distance, because they want to control the narrative. And they can’t control the narrative if they can’t manipulate us with their words. You can observe from their behavior everything you need to know.

That is the point of this episode. Even if they seem like they’re doing great, and they might be, we don’t know. That’s the problem with abuse, is that grooming is part of that cycle, and they’ve used it before. We are incapable of deciphering grooming from true change at the beginning of recovering from abuse. It takes time. It takes time for a victim to escape the abuser’s realm of abuse manipulation. And step into reality, become strong and grounded to tell.

There’s no short-term way to know if what he is saying is grooming or true change. Because any abuser can groom with their words, but they can also act like it for a certain amount of time. And then when they feel like they’re in control, when they feel like they have their goal. Then you’ll see the behavior shift back to the obvious abuse from all the kindness, the questions, the nice understanding behavior is abuse if it has a goal, if the goal is power over.

Emotional Abuse And Infidelity Resources & Your Safety

Anne: Moral of the story here with this episode, get more education about grooming emotional abuse and infidelity. Enroll in The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Living Free Workshop with that link. And also read the book, The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans. You can find it on our website. Also a list of all of the curated books that we recommend at Betrayal Trauma Recovery. My only goal is your safety. That’s it. I care about women and victims.

And I might not know you specifically, but I know what you’re going through. My heart goes out to you, and I want you to know that we care about you as an individual. We care that you’re safe. And that you feel safe in your home. We care that you’re not emotionally and psychologically abused. We love you. And I’m praying for every woman in this situation every day