Emotional abuse and intimate betrayal can make you feel small. Therapists might say that finding your voice meaning learning to speak up will help you heal.
Here’s how self defense can help you find your voice and make meaning.
How Can I Find My Voice When I’m Experiencing Emotional Abuse & Intimate Betrayal?
Finding your voice does not mean confronting your abuser. In fact, that can be dangerous for you. Instead consider finding your voice by:
- Journaling about your experiences
- Sharing your story with a trusted friend
- Attending a BTR Group Session
- Listening to The BTR.ORG Podcast to hear other stories of betrayal trauma & emotional abuse
- Taking a self-defense course
However you choose to find your voice, know that your story is important. Your experiences are real, and we believe you.
Transcript: Find Your Voice
Introduction to Allyson and Her Mission
Anne: I have Allyson on the podcast today, she’s an advocate for women and a believer in self-defense. She has a black belt in traditional TaeKwonDo and helps teach women’s self-defense classes
To help women who are finding their voice and making meaning after abuse.
Welcome, Allyson.
Allyson: Oh, thank you. It’s good to be here.
Allyson’s Journey to Self-Defense
Anne: So, what does finding your voice mean to you?
Allyson: It was definitely a long time coming. I came from a home of abuse. I’ve had experiences of men following me, pestering me.
I’m short and tiny and an easy target. It was very important to me to Not be a target anymore. I decided to attend Martial arts classes . I wanted to learn technique because when a guy is six foot plus, he’s got a lot of mass behind him.
And if you know what you’re doing, technique wins. Even with the enormous size difference. You can get out, you can escape, you can defend yourself.
Overcoming Fear and Gaining Confidence
Allyson: And of course, you always feel dumb going in there you know, people are looking at me a little funny, and you’re like, you want me to do what?
You want me to are you sure? I went from scared to do anything. To where I am now today, I’m teaching women how to defend themselves.
Anne: Making meaning through finding our voices takes time and effort. We can do it a variety of ways. I started podcasting. I garden.
Empowerment Through Self-Defense
Anne: How did self-defense empower you to find your voice and make meaning.
I’m guessing they taught you ways of using your voice to defend yourself.
Allyson: My biggest one is don’t be afraid to turn around and face your attacker. Whoever is tailing you, the easiest way to get out of something without him touching you is to face him eye to eye.
Real-Life Encounters and Lessons
Allyson: For example, I was out grocery shopping. This guy just started following me with an empty cart. And at first I was like, okay, maybe you just need one item, but no, he just kept on following me.
He wasn’t picking up vegetables, nothing. He was just very intently and very closely following me. And of course my hackles rose. I turned around. I looked him straight in the eye and I was like, do you need something? Can I help you? And that’s all it took. He left his cart and ran. I have friends who worked out the prison and he’s like, really, honestly, if women knew the power that they have by making eye contact, like, uh, I’m not going to put up with this.
These men, they want an easy target. They want somebody who’s not going to scream the person who’s going to freeze. As soon as you put up, who are you? What is your name? What do you want? And it’s the tone of your voice. You notice my voice changed when I said that? I wasn’t nice to this guy. It really was either you tell me what you want or you beat it.
So that right there is power. Do not think you are powerless.
Teaching Self-Defense to Others
Anne: If we can prepare our daughters and also train ourselves now that we know more, what to expect. When I was young, my mom, told me, if you’re ever being raped look him straight in the eyes and say very loudly and very clearly, this is rape and I will prosecute. I see you and I know what you’re doing.
And I’ve taught my daughter that from a really young age.
I’ve also taught all my kids. Basic self-defense.
An abusive man feels absolutely entitled
entitled to your attention, entitled to your body. And it’s shocking.
sometimes we don’t want people to talk to us and it’s okay for us to say, no, thank you and just move on.
Setting Boundaries and Assertiveness
Anne: So I have a policy in my home that I do not open the door for anyone that I do not know, like a door to door salesman.
And I mentioned that I loved gardening.
One day, I was in my front yard and one of these sales people. Walked up to me and started talking, to me and I interrupted him after he said maybe one word and said, I’m not interested. Please go away immediately. I didn’t even listen to him for a second.
Instead of going away immediately, he started asking me questions like, oh, what are you doing? How long have you. And I said, stop talking. I’ve told you. I don’t want to talk to you. Go away. And then he actually continued to try to talk to me and I stopped him again.
I said, you’re still talking and you’re on my property. You need to leave now. Would you like me to call the police? His entitlement was shocking. He walked away. Like I was
the crazy one, even though I had told him three times, I did not want to talk to him and he needed to go away.
I was like, no, you.
are the crazy one. Mr.
Here are the facts, women don’t owe abusive men anything.
Don’t owe them a conversation. We don’t owe them anything.
Allyson: Recently, I have felt that it is my empowerment as a female and as a mother to tell my boys, if a girl says no, it is your job to walk away and forget about it. move on. It’s her right to say no.
And of course they’re looking at me going, okay, duh. She says, no, I’m not going to keep pestering her. I’m like, good. Don’t because you have that right to say no. And everybody has that right.
Living Free Strategies
Anne: With my ex, for a really long time, especially before I had the living free strategies and the strategies in the message workshop.
Did not talk to him. All of my communication went through our family wizard.
Now, due to the living free strategies, I’m actually able to talk to them because he doesn’t take up any space in my head anymore
And the living free strategies, protect my mind and my emotions from everything that he does. now. It’s a miracle. I’m so grateful. I discovered those strategies. Because I lived in fear. for so long.
But during that time, when I could not talk to him in person ever, ever, ever. I really appreciated the mediator of our family wizard.
I still appreciate that mediator of our family wizard and I show people exactly how to use it in the message workshop, which is available to everybody after they finished the living free lessons.
Allyson: It is fantastic to have a mediator, always to have a mediator, whether it’s your lawyer, a family member, a friend, somebody who’s got the balls to translate for you and do what needs to be done .
Because the most intimidating thing ever is to be facing your harasser and have the presence of mind to be like, Oh, I know exactly what I want to say to you. I know very few women who can do that. Very few. I still haven’t approached my abuser. I know in my head exactly what I’d want to say, but abusers rationalize like crazy. And then you go away thinking, wait a sec, am I a crazy one? Wait, I thought I wasn’t crazy, but I’m starting to think I’m crazy.
Maybe I just imagined this. So, put that barrier between you and them. And this took many years of training for me because I grew up abused, and so it was very difficult for me to find my voice or even say anything. And it really was, when I started martial arts training, they are there to give you that confidence, to give you that feeling like I can do anything.
The Importance of Finding Your Voice
Allyson: Finding your voice, being able to use it. Whatever you do, do not freeze.
Anne: Yeah. In the moment, that’s a trauma response. It’s our natural way of resisting the abuse. And once you figure out what’s going on, take action. And that’s why I teach women’s safety strategies in the betrayal, trauma, recovery, living free workshop. How to create those protective
barriers between you and the abuser.
So finding our voice can be more than verbally confronting or abuser.
It can mean that we finally speak to safe people that we attend to betrayal trauma recovery group session that we reach out for support from people who understand.
Those of us who have been through it, know how important finding your voice is.
And using strategy
to determine what their character is because communication often puts you in more danger because they’re so good at manipulating, like what you said before, they’re so good at
rationalizing.
That it may be dangerous to talk to them. So finding your voice might mean learning strategies and taking action.
And you can learn all about those strategies. Again, in the betrayal trauma, recovery living free workshop
learn more at btr.org/livingfree
Conclusion and Final Thoughts
Anne: Allyson with your history of abuse, you decided to do martial arts which helped you find your voice.
Martial arts sounds like an awesome option for women who are trying to find their voice.
Allyson: I highly recommend martial arts to everybody. I think it’s an essential social skill. , it’s very important.
Anne: Yeah, whatever works, right? Whatever works for you is the right thing to do. Allyson Thank you so much for coming on the podcast today.
Allyson: Thanks for having me.
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