He Says I’m Controlling But I’m Not – What You Need To Know

Has he claimed your controlling, but you're just trying to get answers and be treated with respect?

Have you thought to yourself, “He says I’m controlling but I’m not.” If so, he’s likely emotionally and psychologically abusive. Here are 3 things to know.

There are 19 different types of emotional abuse. To see if he’s emotionally abusive, take our free emotional abuse quiz.

1. But What If I’m Actually Controlling?

If a man is being emotionally mean and wants to keep hurting someone, he might call her actions to feel safe “controlling” to trick her into stopping.

This doesn’t mean you should stop looking for the truth or setting boundaries for your emotional safety. To learn about the most strategic ways to deal with his control, check out The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Living Free Workshop.

When He Blames The Abuse On You

You’re not controlling if your desire is simply to keep yourself and your children safe and healthy.

2. Why Does He Say I’m Controlling?

An abuser tricks people by lying to his victim and calling her controlling. It works a lot, and others around him believe his lies.

But it’s not controlling to state your opinion or ask another adult to do their share.

Learn More about BTR Group Sessions

Do you know what is controlling? Lying and manipulation. The truth is, his accusation is really an admission. He’s the one that’s controlling the narrative through his deceitful communication.

3. His Friends and Family Say His Ex Was Crazy Controlling

If a man tells you that his ex was controlling (and has manipulated his friends and family the same way), it’s likely that he’s grooming you to not ask too many questions.

A man who claims a woman is controlling usually wants a woman to give him enough space to do secret things he knows are outside her boundaries, like pornography, soliciting prostitutes, or other harmful, abusive behavior.

If someone tries to make you leave them alone because they’re hiding things, it could be a warning sign of emotional or mental abuse. They might also try to pressure you into doing things you don’t want to do.

If He Says Your Controlling, You Need Support

At Betrayal Trauma Recovery, we understand what’s really going on when he claims your controlling. We’d love to support you in your journey to emotional safety.

Listen to The FREE Betrayal Trauma Recovery Podcast to learn more.

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6 Comments

  1. Yikes, my husband tells me I’m controlling every day! He wants me to ignore the fact that he’s lying to me!

    Reply
  2. Please my husband of 13 years has always been abusive but lately he’s mad because he says I’m controlling. HELP

    Reply
  3. My husband of 23 years has constantly abused me verbally and emotionally and now that I’m standing up for myself he calls me controlling but he still is the one being cruel and doing detrimental things to our marriage like constant lying cheating hiding drug use. This is awful. It is so heartbreaking and I wish I knew how to stop loving him and just be able to cut myself free of his unchanging abusive behaviors.

    Reply
  4. My husband is saying that if I get to monitor his phone and computer then I can’t have any private phone calls and have to tell him everything I talk about. Not sure how to respond.

    Reply
  5. I want to heal and i want to do things the right way…I don’t want to scream and fight in from of my children with my husband. I don’t want to control him, I just want peace!

    Reply

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