Many of the women who come to BTR for help say that lack of intimacy in marriage is a key issue with their husbands. Typically, this means that their husband has a pattern of expecting physical intimacy while ignoring relational intimacy or emotional safety.
And some women say that their husbands don’t seem to be interested in relational OR physical intimacy, at all. Either way, his lack of intimacy is a signal that something deeper is going on with him.
4 WAYS HIS LACK OF INTIMACY IN MARRIAGE IS EMOTIONAL ABUSE
4 Key Issues Behind His Lack of Intimacy in Marriage
1. HE MAY BE using inappropriate media
If he is using inappropriate media for stimulation, he is rewiring his desire away from real connection with his wife.
A lot of women feel rejected and confused because husbands are supposed to want intimacy, and if their husband doesn’t seem interested, of course she’s gonna wonder if something’s wrong with her body or her desirability.
But, his lack of desire for his wife isn’t about her attractiveness.
2. He may be having an affair
When a husband directs sexual energy elsewhere, whether toward another woman or toward online fantasy, he’s bonding outside the marriage.
If he seems emotionally distant, defensive, or irritable and there’s unaccounted for time, it’s worth noticing the patterns around these behaviors and taking steps toward finding clarity and emotional safety for yourself.
3. He may be emotionally abusive
Men who are emotionally abusive blame their wives for things that they’re actually responsible for. So he might be blaming her for the house being messy when he’s not picking up the house. He might be critical of her body, which is just a normal human body. I mean, just like his!
Part of that emotional abuse is manipulation and control.
It’s not the same thing as saying, “I don’t feel comfortable,” or “I feel too unsafe to be intimate with you.” If he’s been lying to you about his inappropriate media use or an affair that’s coercion. So, of course, you’re not gonna feel emotionally or physically safe with him.
If he’s rejecting you, but then blaming you for being distant, that’s part of that emotional abuse.That is gaslighting, manipulation, and control, which are some of 19 different emotional abuse tactics. To see if you’re experiencing any of them, take my free emotional abuse test.
4. He may perceive himself as the victim
Emotionally abusive men often see themselves as experiencing a lack of intimacy in marriage. They “perceive” of themselves as a victim.
He might be thinking, “If she would just…” and the things that he’s expecting his wife to do are completely unrealistic.
Or he’s thinking, “How am I supposed to be in a loveless marriage?” referring to physical intimacy, when he puts absolutely no effort toward being emotionally intimate or being involved in emotional repair.
FIVE COMPONENTS OF Healthy Intimacy
Healthy intimacy includes:
- Safety
- Honesty & Transparency
- Respect
- Playfulness
- Joy
You cannot build joy on deception or manipulation. No matter what he says, there is nothing she could have been, done, or acted like to prevent betrayal. That was his choice.
If You’re Asking, “What does my HUSBAND’S lack of intimacy in marriage mean?”
Start with thinking about your own safety.
- Is he honest?
- Is he transparent?
- Does he respect you?
- Is he emotionally present?
If not, the problem is not your desirability. Women in our group sessions for betrayal come in all shapes, sizes, ages, and backgrounds. Betrayal does not target a body type. The problem is relational integrity
Transcript: PERSPECTIVES ON WhAT HUSBAND’S LACK OF INTIMACY IN MARRIAGE REALLY MEANS
Anne: A therapist is here. We’re going to call her Maria. All right, so thinking about this topic of intimate betrayal. I mean, where do we even start?
Maria: You know, when we choose our spouse, it’s really a matter of, I’ll keep you safe and you keep me safe. And we’ll look out for each other. So when our person has secretive behaviors. Whether with another person or with inappropriate material, this is a safety risk.
Anne: Yeah, because the lying and the gaslighting is all emotional and psychological abuse.
Maria: I often hear stories of how some women throw up, some can’t breathe. Some can’t get off the floor, because their person is their person for safety. And when they are betrayed, they are not safe.
Anne: I felt that right after my husband’s arrest, when I realized that things were really bad. Because before, I didn’t understand my true situation. I didn’t understand what was going on. And after his arrest, I lost like 15 pounds in three weeks. I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep. Realizing that the person I’d been relying on was never safe. But I didn’t know that.
Maria: Yes.
Navigating Safety After Betrayal
Maria: So many times in the aftermath of betrayal, We experience come here, go away, come here for safety. Oh, wait, you just betrayed me. You’ve lied. You’ve cheated. Go away for safety. Wait, wait, wait, where are you going? Come back for safety. We want to go to our husband emotionally for safety. We are so vulnerable when we take off our clothes, when we are naked with someone, that leaves us tremendously vulnerable.
And for women especially, for those who choose to stay with their abusive spouse. This means they’re choosing to stay with the source of pain.
And the source of their safety risk and to navigate not only how to function daily with someone they don’t trust, but they also do this tough job of trying to figure out how to maneuver physical intimacy.
Anne: In my case, once I realized my husband wasn’t safe, I observed from a safe distance. To watch what he would do. And he shut down my bank account, and he didn’t make any effort to see the kids. And he was lying about what had happened. He actually said to people she wouldn’t have sex with me. How am I supposed to be in a loveless marriage?
Determining Your Level of Safety
Anne: She also won’t talk to me. How are we supposed to work out lack of intimacy in marriage? If she won’t talk to me? And so it’s traumatic either way, whether you stay or are separated. In both cases, the first step is to determine your level of safety. Which is what my Clarity After Betrayal Workshop is for. Because you might determine that he’s not even safe enough to talk to, let alone be physically intimate with.
Maria: Establishing safety has to be the first step. We cannot be that vulnerable with somebody unless we know we are safe with them. Sometimes women will choose to be physically intimate to try to keep him from cheating on her again. And women often compare themselves to their husband’s affair partner, whether it’s a inappropriate material image or a prostitute.
And wonder what’s wrong with them and why they don’t measure up. And sometimes partners will choose to be physically intimate in ways they wouldn’t otherwise, to try to measure up to what they imagine that affair partner was like.
Anne: Which is coercion. I mean, that’s a form of abuse.
Maria: Women who decide to be physically intimate with their spouse who has betrayed them are at risk. They get scared, and might feel like I need to do this so that he won’t cheat on me again, or he won’t leave me. They do something they don’t want to do, that they might never have done, out of fear and desperation. We really experience distress from having that experience.
What lack of intimacy IN MARRIAGE does to a woman: The Impact of Coercion
Anne: Yeah, of course, we’re going to be distressed when we’re a victim of coercion.
Maria: Yes, why do I still want to be with him? Why, after he’s hurt me so much? In that place, it’s important that I realize I’m not staying because there’s something wrong with me.
Anne: Yeah, part of the coercion is his manipulation. Manipulating us to think that if we’d been somehow different, he wouldn’t have cheated. And that’s also a threat. That’s the definition of coercion. You feel like you have to have be intimate. Because you’re threatened and manipulated. That’s when we realized that we’re a victim of a type of abuse. And what lack of intimacy does to a woman.
Maria: Really, there’s nothing you could have been, done to keep the betrayal from happening. That is their choice. It’s not because you did or said something wrong, or weren’t enough or too much. I joined the support group, and there were women of all shapes, sizes, ethnicities, ages, educational backgrounds, and socioeconomic backgrounds. And it proved it didn’t matter how I showed up in the world. It’s not my fault he betrayed me.
Anne: One of the fears I felt was that my husband would say to his family or other people she’s not being intimate with me, because in society, that’s like terrible. If a husband says she refuses to have that, then all the problems are my fault because I’m saying no. They don’t know, that’s sexual coercion. If she can’t say no, then she can’t say yes. So that’s a really serious form of sexual abuse that people aren’t recognizing.
The Fear of Saying no
Maria: Yes. And addicts tend to use that as justification, which is not fair or accurate. I get really scared here and wonder, is it okay to say no? I fear being criticized for saying no or being condemned. And I feel a fear of being a bad wife or a fear of being alone.
Another example, I value keeping an intact family unit. So the kids have limited exposure to emotional abuse, gaslighting, or other safety issues. And I feel like I have to have sex to maintain an intact family. Some think honoring God means honoring or submitting to their husband. I honor God by being authentic, by protecting this body that God gave me, by protecting my heart that God gave me.
Am I honoring God by being intimate when I don’t want to? Or am I honoring God by not and protecting myself?
Anne: Yeah, with this type of coercion, it’s so difficult to sort through the manipulation and gaslighting. To figure out how you actually feel.
Maria: Yes, it gets really confusing.
Taking physical intimacy off the table
Anne: Yeah, so many of us have been manipulated so much, and our emotions have been hijacked by the emotional abuse. Because he wants us to focus all our energy on him. We’re thinking, how does he feel? How is he doing? What can I do to help him? What can I do to ensure our families are intact? So many women have said that to me. I didn’t even recognize that I felt emotionally unsafe, and I didn’t even know what emotional safety meant. Before they recognize the emotional abuse, they don’t even know they can say no.
About six months before my husband was arrested. I decided that I did not feel emotionally safe during sex. And so I stopped initiating. Historically, I had initiated, and I told him, you’re welcome to initiate if you want, but I’m not going to initiate it anymore. I’m not going to say yes if I don’t feel emotionally connected. He didn’t attempt in any way, shape or form to connect emotionally with me.
I really remember this, I had purchased a workbook for the two of us to go through, to improve our marriage. And one night, I pulled it out and he was so excited about it. He was like, this is going to be amazing. And I said, if you want to do it again, you’re going to need to be the one that initiates it.
And he was like, I’m going to do that. That’s going to be great. And he never did, not once. Like he never initiated that workbook. He never initiated intimacy. So I learned what lack of intimacy does to a woman.
What lack of intimacy does to a woman: The abuser perceives himself as a victim
Anne: So for me, it was helpful to see that he was exploiting me to do all the work in the relationship. And he used emotional and psychological abuse to do that.
Maria: There’s real value in taking sex off the table. Let’s imagine, the husband is not reaching for his wife. She is not having emotional intimacy or physical intimacy. Instead, he has sexual experiences outside the relationship. The hope for the couple is that if we shut down the intimate experiences outside the marriage, we will now have intimacy inside the marriage. Except that’s not what happens.
One of the common beliefs of someone with a sex addiction is that sex is my most important need. It’s not their most important need. We could live without it. If someone is not sexual, they’re not going to die or spontaneously combust. They’re emotionally abusive behaviors. We need to know what we’re dealing with, so we can make choices.
Anne: Yeah, one of the things I’ve learned is that abuse is a character issue, a way that they perceive the world. The abuser perceives himself as a victim. And that’s what causes him to be emotionally and psychologically abusive and use sexual coercion. Because he’s a victim, he’s entitled to these things, and he’s not getting them. When in reality that’s just not true.
Maria: Many addicts exhibit profound gaslighting behaviors because they’re trying not to get caught. They’re trying to get their spouse to back up, to not find out about their secret. They will be manipulative, bullying, mean, and say critical and contemptuous things to get the wife to back up. What lack of intimacy does to a woman.
The Role of Gaslighting
Anne: Yeah, I just wish I could have seen that for the emotional and psychological abuse it was. I mean, when I went through it, and I think most addicts think like this. My ex was like, Oh, yeah I’m a sex addict. So now I’m going to recover, and I’m going to be sober for six weeks, and then we can have sex again. And he was just checking boxes off the list, to groom me.
A lot of times we talk about healthy sexuality. I assume everyone else assumes we’re talking about actually engaging in sex. But I’d like to point out that healthy sexuality could mean abstinence. Healthy sexuality refrains from sex, with someone emotionally abusive. Who’s gaslighting you and lying to you. And who doesn’t respect you. I mean healthy sexuality in that scenario is abstinence.
Maria: We need to talk about gaslighting here and the consequences of gaslighting because he will do and say things that distort her reality. If he’s rewriting history, she’s going to wonder what’s true. The consequences of gaslighting are she will doubt herself, her intuition, what’s real. Over time, a decline in her ability to trust herself, to trust gut instincts. We often talk about how our intuition has been damaged. Our ability to trust our gut instinct has been damaged.
They doubt themselves, and if they doubt themselves, they doubt their ability to stay safe in the world. They doubt their ability to pick a safe partner.
Healthy Sexuality & Abstinence
Anne: Yeah, I feel like being in touch with ourselves, and our intuition, is the first line of defense before even attempting to date again.
Maria: Absolutely, yes, I hope to take the time to heal before getting into another relationship.
Anne: And for single women, I think that’s what healthy sexuality looks like. I mean, for someone who has either never been married or divorced. Healthy sexuality looks like I have a voice, I can speak it, I have boundaries, I can say no.
Maria: As a therapist, a series of conversations I often have are, how did you learn how to be a sexual being? Where did you learn? What did you learn about your body parts, how to be in relationship? And what did you learn about sex or being sexual?
What did they believe about their body and challenge some beliefs they may have learned, because that’s what someone told them to believe. And really come to terms with what they authentically believe. To help them define their value system. So that when they approach a romantic relationship with another partner, they can have their behavior align with their values. That’s healthy sexuality.
Anne: Yeah, that’s been really important to me. Well, Maria, thank you so much for talking with us today about what lack of intimacy does to a woman.
A Husband Can Abuse His Wife By Sharing Explicit Photos
Anne: A member of our community. Sandy is on today’s episode. Not her real name, she’s using an alias. Because she’s going to be talking about how she experienced abuse. The perpetrator was her husband. We won’t go into details. Welcome, Sandy. Why don’t you just go ahead and start where you want to start.
Sandy: It’s hard to know where to start because I feel like the timeline is complicated. I was raped by my husband and then about a week after that happened. I found out that there were pictures of me on pornography sites. They were two completely separate incidences because the pictures happened about eight years before. I just didn’t know about them until a friend of mine told me. She said I don’t think you know this but he puts pictures of you on pornography sites.
Anne: Wow. So you’re raped by your husband and then a week later, a friend says, you might not be aware, but there are some pictures of you on a pornography site and these pictures were taken 8 years before.
Sandy: When I heard that, I don’t even know how to describe it.
Abusive Men Dismiss Their Partner’s Feelings & Desires
Sandy: I went home and I asked my husband if it was true, are pictures of me on pornography sites? He said, yes. I look back now and I think about that as the end of everything. We were married for 13 years at that point, but we were together for 15. This person that I had loved for 15 years, it’s like he didn’t exist anymore. I didn’t know who this person was who would do this to me.
At that point, I hadn’t identified what he had done to me as rape.
Anne: Can you describe what you thought at the time had happened?
Sandy: I knew it was not good. I knew it wasn’t loving. It was very confusing. Why it was happening, what was going on. We had just had this terrible fight. The next thing I knew, he followed me up to the bedroom and I had my bathing suit on. I was taking it off. And the next I know, we’re having it, and I didn’t know why. I thought if I would ask him to stop, then he would yell at me more.
Clergy, Faith-Communities, & Friends Can Help Victims Of Marital Abuse
Sandy: I talked about this with some with some friends, and they said, that’s rape. I said he didn’t push me down. He didn’t hurt me. They said, yeah, but he didn’t have your consent. I said, no, I didn’t realize that at that point, there are actually degrees of rape. The rape hot line online support has first, second, third and fourth different grades or degrees of rape.
It was actually third or fourth degree rape. Friends and leadership from my church at the time told me, this is rape, call this hot line. They’ll point you in the right direction. You need to get help. And they kept pushing me to get help because they were very much, you’ll heal faster if you process this right away. This is abuse.
Anne: That’s not very common that your church people were telling you what happened. I actually haven’t heard a story like this in a really long time. Instead I hear how they’re telling women they should stay married after infidelity.
Sandy: Yeah, I definitely feel the Holy Spirit watching out for me, putting people in my life to really push me in the right direction.
Anne: That’s not a very common thing for clergy to help a rape victim identify the rape, especially when it’s her own spouse. that’s very, very rare.
Sandy: And he didn’t punch me. He didn’t push me down.
Seeking Therapy & Reflecting On The Relationship
Sandy: They were really the ones who urged me to go to therapy by myself for abuse and trauma. It wasn’t one of these, “Oh, you guys need to get into couples counseling.” The church, all the friends I had, they were like, you need to heal from this before you can ever work on a relationship again. The same thing for him, they were like, he obviously has major issues. He needs to figure out what those are and get help for them before he can be in a relationship with you.
I felt like that all started me out on the right track, even though it was the harder track in some ways because I was very much just wanting things to get back to normal. I wanted my life back. Not to say that I had this perfect relationship or something like that. We definitely had issues.
Anne: Are you saying that at the time you didn’t really understand the extent of the issues?
Sandy: Yes. That’s a better way to put it.
Anne: Okay. So at the time you’re thinking, I know we have issues, but really, do I have to go through all this stuff?
Sandy: Yeah, I knew that it was bigger.
Men Abuse Their Wives By Stalking & Recording Them Without Consent
Sandy: Once I found out about the pictures especially, yes, there is more going on here than I ever realized. I think I was in denial for many years because at one point I found a hidden camera in our bedroom. I asked, what is this about? He said, when I take the kids to school, you get undressed and I miss taking pictures of you. Because he was always essentially stalking me when I would take a shower or when I would get undressed.
He always had the camera and he was always wanting to take pictures. And I was always like, oh my gosh, this is so annoying just let me take a shower. But I thought he’s my husband, he likes to see me naked that’s good, right? It all was warning signs. So anyway, I found the hidden camera and I was to really angry about it. He was like, okay, I won’t do it again. That was years before I knew about the pictures online or anything like that.
Anne: When you find out about the pictures, what becomes clear to you at this point? I mean have you been going to therapy at all before the rape, before these things? Or, have you been thinking, there’s something not quite right with my relationship, something’s weird going on. Or were you thinking, oh I have a great relationship.
Men Abuse Their Wives By Ignoring Familial & Emotional Needs
Anne: Can you talk about your thoughts before the rape, and then also before you found out about him posting porn?
Sandy: It’s hard to explain because I wouldn’t say there was anything seeming super wrong. Our relationship beforehand seemed fairly normal to me. I wanted him to pay attention to me more. I felt like I’m the mother of three kids and I was a stay at home mom and I was always just wanting him to come home and spend some time with me.
He had an excuse to go do something else, and he had decided he wanted to start this new business. I was like, Why? Don’t! Don’t start this business, please. I never see you, I need you to be home. I need you to be a part of this family. He just was like if you don’t want to be a part of it, you don’t have to, but I’m gonna do it anyway.
I was, of course, upset about that, but to me, it’s It’s nothing to get divorced over, but I just thought he’s going do what he wants to do, and I’ll stay out of it if I don’t like it.
Anne: Well, ironically, going to therapy at that time, you not knowing about abuse, couple therapy wouldn’t help you a whole lot.
Men Abuse Their Wives By Overtly Or Covertly Threatening Infidelity
Sandy: Yeah, I had no idea and so it was just this sort of we both felt busy, had my own business, he was starting a business, I just remember thinking like, I can’t wait till we can spend more time together. Looking back at everything, it’s a weird combination of, I was begging for his attention and he was also obsessed with me. He was obsessed with me in a physical way. It was almost like I couldn’t have his attention any other way.
Anne: Because he’s taking pictures of you all the time, and he’s doing these things that make you feel uncomfortable. At the same time, at least it’s something.
Sandy: Right, and there was one point where I even thought I wonder if he’s seeing somebody else because he never comes straight home after work. I would call his work and I would say, Hey, has he left yet? They would say, yeah, he left two hours ago. I didn’t know what that was about, so I thought I’ll just put out when he wants because then he won’t have a reason to sleep with anyone else. Looking back, that was so stupid.
Anne: We’ve all been there Sandy, no it was not stupid. It makes total sense.
Sandy: Yeah. Our kids were so young. Looking back, I can tell I was like in a complete state of denial, really, about everything that was going on.
LACK OF INTIMACY IN MARRIAGE AND Discovery Of Betrayal
Anne: I wouldn’t call it denial , because denial puts the fault on you. I would say that you were seeking safety. At the time, the safest thing to you was to have a good attitude or give it more because the alternative seemed terrifying. I wouldn’t call it denial as just really seeking safety and the alternative was too scary. The reason why I don’t want to call it denial is because they purposefully confuse and manipulate and lie.
So it’s not like you’re in denial about something that you know. It only confirms that you were a victim of psychological and emotional abuse. It sounds like you tried the oh, I’ll have it with him whenever he wants. I’ll try to be a better mom. I’ll try to, be better. Those things didn’t work. Then you find out about the pictures. Where do you go after that? What happens after you find out, he produces porn, of me. And he’s posting this online without my consent.
Sandy: I started therapy and the therapist was like, have people around you that help you to feel safe. Have people that you can talk to at any point, friends, family, whoever that is. Maybe it’s just one or two people.
Do everything you can to get back into doing things that you enjoy, that you find interesting. In the meantime, I was trying to figure out, okay, but how do I live with this person? Because at the time, I didn’t know that I wanted to get divorced or anything. I was just trying to figure out which way was up.
Considering Pressing Charges For Abuse
Anne: Did anybody at the time, did anyone indicate to you that you could press charges?
Sandy: Yeah, because I was still speaking with a person on the rape hot line pretty regularly. So I mentioned to this person about the pictures. They said I would need to get the police involved to get the pictures down, but be aware that if you go to the police, they may, in fact, press charges even if you don’t want them to. If he gets put on the offender list, he would lose his job. I could not make a decision, in regard to that, in my state of shock and trauma.
Sandy: I told him we need to get these pictures taken down. He said, okay, I’ll hire a private company. He told me the pictures were taken down by this private company that he hired.
Anne: One of the questions I have is, looking back now, do you think it would have been better to press charges?
Sandy: I do now. Obviously I’m not completely healed. I do your meditations to heal from betrayal trauma, so now I’m in a place where I can talk about it a little easier.
Going To The Police
Sandy: I actually did go to the police because I had panic attacks that the pictures weren’t actually down and I thought, I don’t know. He just continues to do things that make me nervous even though we’re not married and we’re not living together or anything.
We share custody of the kids but trauma comes back and I just sometimes I freak out, right? I thought, Okay, I’m just gonna go to the police. I had the list from the company that he hired of all of the links, which was six pages worth of links to my images. This is obviously abuse. When I take this to the police and they say okay, we’ll look into it.
Two years has passed since the crime. I did find out that yes, they are officially down. The company took them down, but they didn’t seem to think I could press charges. They didn’t really seem to care that this had been done and anything was told well, there’s nothing we can do.
It was two years ago, how can something be such a crime? He could have gone to jail or put on the offender list. So many things could have happened two years ago if I would have reported it. But now that it’s been two years, they’re like I don’t really see anything happening if we report this.
Is It The Abuser’s Voice Telling You Not To Report The Abuse?
Anne: One of the things I’m trying to help women understand is that when you don’t report something immediately, there are good reasons to report and good reasons not to report. We’re never judgmental around here about women reporting or not reporting. I want women to know that sense of, I can’t report this or I shouldn’t report this for some reason is usually the abuse talking.
Generally speaking most women, once they get past the trauma and they’re feeling better, really regret not reporting. If any victim is listening right now and they’re thinking, yeah my husband did do a crime and I haven’t reported it and should I report it or not. I would submit that the most likely thing happening if he has covert narcissist traits. It’s the abuse telling you not to report.
You’re so used to this abuse voice in your head and also the societal scripting or perhaps religious scripting, like he will lose his job or what about him? I had a discussion with a friend the other day and she was like, we really need to do these things and hold them accountable out of compassion for them. So that they can change.
But I said, it’s interesting as a victim of abuse, you don’t really have to, justify your actions through it’s the most compassionate thing he can change. You could also do it just out of sheer anger. You don’t have to be like I need to do it from a place of love. No, you can actually call the police from a place of anger or from a place of trauma or from a place of anything that you want. It’s fine.
Victims Can Let The Justice System Decide The Legal Consequences For Abuse
Anne: I think society has said to victims you can’t be an angry, bitter woman. If you’re going to do it, you have to do it from some place of forgiveness or some place of compassion. It’s just something for people to think about that as a victim of abuse you don’t owe your perpetrator anything.
Sandy: I completely agree now. There’s no way it was my fault.
That’s how I look at it now. Whereas before it was like you said. You can’t do this to him. It would destroy him and be so bad. It would be bad for his job. As well as thinking about our kids too. Besides, I did not do these things. I should not have to make that choice of whether or not he goes to jail. I was the victim. And I felt like that weight was on me to decide what his fate was.
Anne: Right, and just leave that up to the justice system, really. If someone witnessed someone stealing a car, you might be shaken up, you might pick up the phone and you might be like shaking because you saw this car get hijacked, let’s just pretend. Someone would not say to you, Oh let’s stop shaking before you call the police. Let’s make sure that you’re doing it from a place of really loving and having compassion for the guy that stole the car. Nobody says that.
Abusive Men Usually Commit to Stop, But Keep Doing It More Covertly
Anne: Talk about when you decide that you need to end the relationship and get a divorce.
Sandy: I spent about a year convincing him. That what he did was, obviously not right, but he didn’t understand why he needed to go to therapy. He basically was like, I’m sorry, I won’t do it again.
I said, no, you need to get help. In fact he had one that he spoke to for a while, and I asked to sit in on conversation to talk about some of my concerns. I realized, with this therapist, he did not tell her half of what was going on. And I said what about this and this?
I said, don’t you see there’s a pattern, with the pictures, him following me around with the camera, the camera in the bedroom and pictures online, there’s a pattern here. There’s something wrong with him. At this point I was just starting to learn about addiction, pornography addiction, that kind of stuff. And the therapist says oh, you didn’t tell me about that. And I just thought, Oh my gosh. At that point he moved out.
Anne: Did any of the therapists that work with you or him say that he’s an abuser?
Sandy: No, they didn’t.
Non-Consensual touch AND LACK OF INTIMACY IN MARRIAGE
Sandy: At one point I was reading a book about abuse and I was like, I feel like he abused me. I’m pretty sure he has and it was my investigation, although when my mom asked about what’s going on with you guys. I said, “I have a manipulative husband.”
I used those words before, but it was almost like I had to convince myself that this was abuse. Because he wasn’t hitting me. It wasn’t all the things that you normally see or hear about. The moment I remember looking up: Is non consensual pornography abuse. Is rape abuse. It’s okay, yes, of course, these things are. I shouldn’t have to be Googling this.
Anne: Is that when you found Betrayal Trauma Recovery?
Sandy: I found Betrayal Trauma Recovery through a friend who is from a different support group.
Anne: When you got here to Betrayal Trauma Recovery, were you like oh, this makes sense. Because a lot of people will Google that stuff, and they won’t find anything. And then when they find us, they’re like, Oh, finally, somebody gets it. Or did you find some other places that you felt understood?
Sandy: I think when I was Googling things, I was really just strictly looking for definitions. Definition of rape, definition of non consensual pornography, voyeurism. These are crimes, these are things you go to jail for it seems pretty obvious that’s abuse. For whatever reason, it gave me sort of comfort to have the correct terms, to have the right labels.
Challenges With Therapy
Anne: Yeah, he’s going to a therapist, you go to the therapist, and you’re like Whoa. Therapy’s not gonna work. You’ve also got that going on, where you’re recognizing the abuse, but nobody’s saying, he’s an abuser
Sandy: Yeah. So he moves out, he continued to see his therapist, I continued to see mine. It was interesting because he admits to me at that point that his therapeutic goals were just to be a better husband. Whereas my therapeutic goal was to heal from trauma. We were not going down the same path.
Anne: His therapeutic goal was not to “not be a rapist.” His therapeutic goal is just to be a better husband. So you’re recognizing, wait a minute, there’s some serious stuff wrong here.
Sandy: I feel like even after he moved out, I was always trying to relay the seriousness of the situation and he never quite got that. Even when I pointed out, this is abuse and addiction, you need to see somebody who maybe specializes in that. He just said there’s nobody in our area. I’ll just get some books and I’ll read up on it.
Anne: Did you ever confront him and say you’re abusive at that time?
Sandy: I didn’t. Essentially after a year of trying to convince him that he needs to work through these big Issues. That he needs to essentially be able to protect me from himself is what needs to happen, which he never understood.
The Consequences Women Face WITH LACK OF INTIMACY IN MARRIAGE
Sandy: That’s when I said, I can’t do this anymore. It felt like he was doing the bare minimum. He’d say, “look, I’m in therapy. I’m doing good. How many other guys would go to therapy?” I couldn’t take the abuse and lack of intimacy in marriage anymore. It felt like playing this game, I was done. I can’t describe it any other way.
Anne: That makes sense. What happened at that point?
Sandy: It took me a while to file because I think I wanted to make sure for whatever reason. I could tell he was getting desperate and didn’t know what do. He found a CSAT therapist at that point who wanted to talk to me, they’re very much we usually work together and I said my therapist says no.
Anne: We absolutely do not recommend that women go to an addiction therapist. We don’t recommend 12 step for wives of addicts or going to therapy with a Certified Sexual Addiction (CSAT) therapist because they don’t recognize the abuse.
They don’t view him as an abuser. Even if they did, because abusers lie. When abusers go to therapy, they end up weaponizing the therapy that they learn against their victims.
HOW AN ADDICTED HUSBAND THINKS ABOUT LACK OF INTIMACY IN MARRIAGE
Sandy: One of the comments I should share. This an example of how serious, or not serious. I guess when they first enter in, they tell them, no stimulation for 90 days because you need to completely reset your system. And he comes to me saying, Can you believe I have to go three months without it and it’s swimsuit season? I was like, Oh my gosh.
Anne: But the other thing we need to talk about is that you went to a so called expert and they didn’t tell you this is an abuse situation. They’re looking at him as a addict, not as an abuser.
Sandy: No, they don’t. They don’t look at it as abuse.
Anne: So that is super dangerous for victims as well because what this really is emotional and psychological abuse. So he’s going to the addiction recovery person.
Sandy: He seemed like he was committed to it, I guess is the best word. But I thought if he wants to get healthy on his own, that’s great, but I can’t stay in this relationship. I just knew it.
Mediation To Heal From Marital Abuse
Sandy: We decided to do mediation instead of hire lawyers for our divorce, which worked well. Thankfully, he was cooperative about it. At some point, I don’t think he’s in recovery anymore. He must have given up on it a while back. We have three kids together and I want to make sure they’re safe. I don’t want to raise them thinking that the way he treats women is all right. That, that’s my main concern at this point.
Anne: I think it’s validating to see that their behaviors haven’t changed. The fake recovery, we’ll call it, was a grooming phase where they thought, oh, I can show that I’m a good person or I can “prove” I’m a good person. Current boundaries are awesome now that you’re divorced and you recognize that he’s still abusive and he still exhibits abusive behaviors. What have you found that is helpful for your ongoing healing?
Processing Trauma Through Art
Sandy: I’m a ceramic artist, sculptor, I just ended up pouring my emotion into clay, creating sculptures that depict women either struggling or holding some emotion.
Anne: Thank you so much for sharing today.
Sandy: Thank you.
Finally I can read that I’m not crazy with my feelings and emotions. Thank you.
This is so spot on! My husband wants to have sex but I don’t feel safe. How could I after he just betrayed me?!
We recommend The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Living Free Workshop to determine if he’s safe, to see if you can even have sexual safety after betrayal.
Thank you for talking about healthy sexual intimacy! This is so needed.
This discussion sheds light on several topics that have been rolling around my head for 20 months. I went from forcing myself to be intimate with my husband once monthly to daily sometimes multiple times daily. I felt like such a champ at first, but when I discovered my husband still watched that stuff and masturbated during this time, my self-image sunk to new lows.
I still can’t put my finger on why, after I discovered (caught) my husband contacting divorce attorneys, why did I abruptly place the demand to stop several “activities” he’d done since we married? I always knew he was the safe guy at work at work that women could confide in. That’s why he and I started dating. Why did I become furious about him using disgusting stuff onlineuse? I knew he was doing it. I didn’t like it, but I told myself with my husband when we dated that I would give up the losing fight to have safety after betrayal. It was nice not discussing his depraved behaviors. We avoided so many fights that plagued past relationships. Why did I do that? Ever since I placed those demands on him, our marriage has gotten worse and worse. 🙁 Not surprising. He still won’t stop. I want to return to how I accepted his infidelities and the betrayal prior to the attorney call.
Many women feel the way you do. I did too. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Stay on the path, there is light at the end of the tunnel! You deserve a completely safe and happy life. And the fact is, if he’s betrayed you with lies and infidelity, he can’t provide sexual safety after betrayal unless he starts telling the complete truth.
Wow!! 🤯 know that she mentioned the cameras, I wonder if im on some of these sites. My ex husband would often turn the baby monitor on, and make it face the bed, on us. Made me feel so uncomfortable.
I strongly resemble with this statement Sandy said “I was begging for his attention but yet he was also obsessed with me. I mean he was obsessed with me in a sexual way. It was almost like I couldn’t have his attention any other way.” Except he must have been hiding his obsession because i can hardly tell if he actually found anything positive in me. The only way I can get a little attention from him was sex.
I also relate to this so much. I’m still with him and it’s breaking me. He is very demanding sexually and always wants me to dress up for him, use toys that hurt me, and video tape everything. He had a hidden camera in our room that I found and made him get rid of. He says it was because I had an online emotional affair and he didn’t trust me.
I did become too close with another man online I think in attempt to feel loved. I ended it and have never physically cheated on my husband. If I say no to sex he is mean and will mutter under his breath or give me the silent treatment all day long. He also critiques how into sex I am and is angered if I seem to not be into enough.
#metoo. On 7/27/2019, I discovered that for the past 5 yrs my BF posted an explicit photo of me on a website in order to attract partners for sex. I followed a very similar path as described on this podcast. We hired a law firm to certify photos were removed and I went as far as assigning copyrights to me and having an agreement in place so if he did it again there was a financial penalty. It didn’t stop him. Nobody told me to go to the police – the advice was “don’t embarrass your kids or his kids”. He stonewalled on the breached agreement and my anger swelled and I used it to file a police report.
I have a grand niece that has been abused by her husband who has several wives in different states and has molested them and his children that my niece didn’t know he had. She has an at risk son that is abused by her husband and someone in the state of Colorado needs to intervene on her behalf, like the governor, as she is trying to get a divorce and has problems with trauma and can’t speak at times. I am unable to help as i am disabled and don’t have the finances to help. She has been dropped by her attorney and has problems with her i phone as it has dropped her information an can’t get it back and can’t call people as she had phone numbers in the I phone that has malfunctioned. HELP!! Get in touch with me and I will get you in touch with her. She needs help desperately.
I’m so sorry. In order to get help from us, she needs to set an individual session with Coach Renee. Coach Renee helps emotional and psychological abuse victims navigate their local resources.
My children’s father (who I live with currently with our 2 children) has been abusing me for years, and it’s taken a long time for me to get out of this relationship. I didn’t make plans to physically get out until recently when I woke up to him assaulting me sexually. I was frozen I was scared and I couldn’t open my eyes.
I don’t know why I froze, but I couldn’t move. All I could do was cry, but I didn’t want him to see me cry so I just closed my eyes until he stopped. I didn’t even realize this was sexual abuse until I finally said something to my friend and she told me “that’s not just abuse, that’s sexual abuse” and my heart just sunk into my stomach.
My family won’t even believe me, and I have some friends that won’t believe me solely because “he looks like a nice guy I couldn’t ever picture him doing that” or “he says that you are the one abusing him because he tells me all about how you just yell at him.” It’s true, I do yell to attempt to defend myself from his abuse. I cry and scream when he’s doing something to me that harms me … it’s usually emotional and verbal abuse. But this is a whole other level of abuse and I’m just in a state of shock … still. The sexual assault started three months ago, and it’s happened 3 or 4 times within those three months. I haven’t been able to process the last 3 or 4 times that it happened.
I’m so sorry. It’s likely you didn’t realize the emotional and verbal abuse either until it escalated to this. We’re here for you! We understand. Lean on the friend who believes you. You can make your way to emotional and sexual safety. You’re strong. You’re brave:). You deserve to feel safe in your own home.
I’ve also woke up to a sexual assault. I usually freeze, but this time I yelled at him. But he was being very aggressive. He was completely drunk and says he didn’t know what he was doing. I kicked him out of my bedroom and am trying to muster up the courage to leave. I hope that you are working towards safety.
Wow. This is the first story I’ve heard that is similar to my experience with betrayal.
I definitely felt coerced to have sex much more than I wanted to in order to keep the peace. Almost a year ago, I discovered that my husband of 16 years had been secretly recording our sex, and was using it to sext with others online (via Snapchat and other messaging apps). I had no idea he was recording me, and I felt so humiliated. He posted it online a few times as well to get more sexting partners. We have been separated on and off over the past year.
Right now we are doing “in-home” separation – just for convenience sake. I see him working recovery – going to a CSAT, attending 12 step, providing a full therapeutic disclosure, and making changes. I am also seeing an APSATS counselor, and attending 12 step groups. I can’t see how I will ever trust again.
Even if he changes, I am so scared of being tricked again that I have built so many walls. He admits he was an abuser, but I don’t know what he is doing to address that. It’s helpful to know other women are struggling in similar situations. I feel broken and numb and don’t know if there is anything that can heal my marriage or if I even want it healed. My current goal is to make it through the holidays before making a decisions so that I can spare my kids the additional pain or associating the holidays with divorce. Thank you for this episode. It was very validating.
Oh, sister. We’re here for you!! We always recommend that women report crime with the help of a BTR.org coach because reporting can get tricky. I recommend scheduling an appointment with Coach Renee asap. We don’t recommend CSATS or APSATS in these cases because they do not know how to treat abuse or help abuse victims. They also don’t require perpetrators to confess their crimes to the proper authorities or guide victims to consider it. It’s our believe that abusers will not change unless they take full accountability for their abuse and the crimes they’ve committed.
We welcome you to our community! And hope to be able to be with you as you make your way to emotional, psychological, and sexual safety.
I LOVE this podcast! My husband’s addiction meant that he never wanted to be intimate with me. He is also grumpy and terrible to be around.
Hi Ann! I have been listening to your podcasts since 2018, and have not missed very many episodes. I remember way back when when your dad was filtering the emails from your ex, my sister did the same. And all the ups and downs you’ve had throughout the years. I just had to say listening to today’s podcast, the one with Indiana Jones, I am just smiling so big right now. You sound so healthy. So authentic. So healed. I feel like I’ve been on this journey with you, although it’s one-sided, because I feel like I know you, and you don’t know me. But I just felt compelled to say something. Thank you thank you thank you, you have changed my life. Now, specifically about the Indiana Jones attraction. I do think you were on it at the end, and I do think you would be attracted to a safe man if that person came into your life. And part of me hopes, for all of us, that that safe man is as sexy as someone like Indiana Jones.
Hahaha! Yes! Let’s hope that safe man is as sexy as Indiana! I love it!
I’m so glad to hear that you’ve been on this journey with me! Thank you so, so much for your support!!!
I understand you and hope that one day, love and the physical part/intimacy will return. I met my husband at church. He was once a deacon. I was in my 50’s when my horrific D-day happened. I was shocked when I started to discover all of the different levels of deceit. The world glorifies all kinds of betrayal and unfaithfulness, I never in a million years thought I would be involved. I thought my husband loved me.
But after 30 years of “marriage,” through reading the books on your books page about abuse, and personal individual coaching with one of BTR.ORG coaches, I realized my husband is abusive, and he groomed me from the beginning in order to exploit me. He was never interested in an equal relationship with me.
I did all that I could as a Christian to restore my marriage and forgave him. However, he did not. I’m still in the relationship. I truly loved and kept every one of my wedding vows. I have a detachment boundary. He does not touch me in any way. His online infidelity ruined everything. It destroyed trust and closeness—I could no longer connect with him emotionally or physically. God removed any intimacy or thoughts from my mind as a survival technique. I have no hate for him. My focus is on my own faith and 2 adult children.
Because of the level of his deceit, I don’t think I could trust a man again. I have absolutely no desire for physical contact, after being rejected by him and repulsed by what he preferred online. A young woman that I know told me that her boyfriend had been lying and mentally abusive, I saw all the patterns. I told her to RUN. She is now moving out. Anyone who has been through this understands the level of hurt that online infidelity and emotional betrayal can have.
I’m rather new to your podcast. I’m now divorced, living separately from my ex, and still experiencing abuse through what the ex does to our teenaged son and his access to me via our custody situation. (It doesn’t matter what legal documents he has signed. He does not feel he needs to follow those because I made one exception once and let him deviate from the schedule.) I’m more affected by that now.
I’m 53.
I really related to this podcast. When I married, I consciously tried to find someone not like my father. My dad was definitely the outdoors type, getting dirty doing farm stuff, and yelling at everyone, whether we were outside “helping” or inside doing whatever we were doing. I married a computer scientist from India. He is an intellectual type, high earning, and definitely not like my father on the outside. On the inside, they’re similar in that they never apologize for their bad behavior. They are entitled to their behavior. They are entitled to treat women and their children like they do because they are men, or so it seems to me.
Like you, I’m not interested in dating, and I’m confused about who I’m attracted to. Basically, I mistrust men (and some women too). There’s been one guy since. He’d been my friend for a long time. I thought he was kind. I knew he was emotionally unavailable, and so I thought I wouldn’t get attached to him. I tried to move on after my marriage ended, but it’s hard because the damage that was done in the marriage still feels really present. My ex was addicted to being online, and I realized much later how much of that was about looking at other women, messaging them, and creating this fantasy life that didn’t involve me. It ruined what little intimacy we had left. Every time I tried to bring it up, I was dismissed, like I was imagining things or overreacting. I don’t think he even saw the damage it caused because to him, it wasn’t something that should bother me, but it did. It made me feel invisible, like I wasn’t enough for him or anyone. That was just one part of the harm, but it was a big one. How do you rebuild trust in anyone after that? Anyway, now I’m just very confused about men and relationships in general. I figure that I’m not ready when I’m still trying to get out of my trauma about the decades with the ex.
Hi Anne, thank you for this episode!! You beautifully stated exactly where I am right now. I have questioned whether I am strange because of losing all interest. Similar to Lisa, above, I refuse to let my husband touch me in any way, unable to leave at this point.
Thank you, thank you!!
Hi Anne — attraction to fictional characters like Indiana Jones is completely normal! It’s fantasy, just like dressing up like a princess is for little girls.
It’s OK to appreciate Indy’s looks and moves. That involves just feelings, which we can’t control.
Behavior, acting on these feeing, is different as we make conscious choices.
In real life, you are conscious of the fictional character’s flaws and know he isn’t husband material. I hope you continue to enjoy the the attraction feelings to Indy from Raiders.
P.S. I started dating at 52, after leaving my husband who cheated on me with more than 2 dozen people. It’s been a positive, healing experience.
Thank you for this, and all episodes. For the record, this is the single most helpful resource I’ve ever found in dealing with betrayal trauma, and I’ve used MANY resources. As for this episode, I feel in so many ways like I could’ve written it myself, if you replace Indiana Jones with Thor!
I’ve been divorced for nearly seven years now. I am definitely still attracted to men (probably the wrong, manly/handsome types) but I also don’t have a strong desire to marry again. Sometimes I want to, but most of the time I feel content living a peaceful life with my kids. I do half-joke with my friends that I am not interested. I do want a this kind of relationship again, but only in the context of a safe and healthy marriage. I date from time to time, but even when he seems healthy and kind, I get panic attacks. It’s hard to think about marriage when even going on dates is still terrifying. It’s a strange place to be, and I’m not so much “figuring it out” as “fumbling about.”
And like you, I hope I can recognize “healthy” and would choose it, but I sincerely don’t know. I’ve never had that experience and so I think I still have a strong fear of being lied to again, manipulated again. I believe in healthy men like I believe in unicorns. They’re out there somewhere… right?
I have only just realized after 8 years of healing that I was a victim of not only physical abuse, but sexual abuse for 20 years by my previous spouse. This has been very upsetting for me to process and even understand the level of abuse and how early in the relationship it began, and how willing I was to brainwash myself to accept the sexual abuse. I had always had an understanding of the emotional abuse. It’s crazy to me that a I was sexually abused for so long and I didn’t even know.
Thanks for this. I wish more women shared their stories of marital rape and sexual abuse. The trauma and what it does to your brain makes recounting it particularly challenging, but it really helps other women. My husband has sexually abused me for over two decades. It took me a very long time to figure out why I felt so horribly miserable. Now I finally understand. My husband went through three therapists, two of them CSATS. CSATS are a safe haven for sexual predators and abusers! All that happened from seeing the CSATS was my husband “cleaned” his conscience, and then continued to sexually harass and sexually assault me, tell his therapist and other men in group sessions he raped his wife in the past (while failing to mention a continuum of violations), and got a ton of support from them. It’s safe for him and confidential. He’s made a handful of friends in doing so. His therapist seemed proud of him for sharing and making friends. His therapist also says my husband confided in him what he went thru as a child, which he has never told anyone else before. He says that what he endured as a child was horrible. No one has shared it with me mind you, but apparently his trauma matters more than all my trauma and pain and is an excuse for sexual abuse?
By the way, I shared my premarital trauma with my husband, and he only used it to discredit me and hurt me. Also, if my husband yells at me or stonewalls me for 24 hours, saying it was because he was triggered, his therapist literally says, “that makes sense.” When I first met his therapist I told him my husband was very sexually abusive and manipulative. He said to me that no one should ever let someone treat them like that. Let? Let was no part of anything. Just recently his therapist told me my husband was having bad reactions to things I was asking, because I wasn’t asking him in a “nice voice”. He said I needed to ask him things in a better way . . . he actually said,”Say that again, but try saying it nicer.” Are you kidding me? How I say something makes no difference whatsoever. No matter how I ask, my husband just pushes back or does the opposite. It’s all just so messed up and backwards. His therapist has been trying to convince me to see a CSAT that sees betrayed partners because he said, “after all, you are married to a sex addict.” Apparently he doesn’t know he’s an abuser.
I told him, “Yeah, well, I didn’t realize sex addict and rapist were the same thing.” Moral of the story, if you want to feel invisible and like you don’t matter, see a CSAT.
CSATs will enable your husband in every way that hurts you, and he’ll become more comfortable and empowered as you shrink inside yourself. CSATS coddle and enable abusive men and there is no line there between sex addict and sexual offender. If your partner is abusive or violating your human rights, couples therapy and sex addiction therapy will only make things worse. Go on your own to someone like BTR, with coaches who can actually support you because they care about YOU!!!
This topic makes me physically sick. I’m married for over 40 years. Early in our marriage my husband would take pictures of me in my pajamas or a towel and I told him to stop and I deleted them off the camera. Fast forward the technology of telephones, computers and iPads made it easier for him to do and hide from me.
Dday (2) was 2022, the discovery on all of his technology was shocking. He had gone away for a few days and I was able to see photos that were taken of me in various stages of undress. He would sneak in the bathroom, move the shower curtain, peep through windows, move the covers while I was sleeping and lots I don’t know about! He actually sent these in emails to a male coworker.
There were countless emails to women he knew over the years. I found so much disgusting stuff in his internet history, pictures of me that are embarrassing with reply’s back from other men that are so sexually disgusting the first time I read them I vomited. We both have been in countless hours of therapy together and alone. My husband never cries, has no empathy or remorse, he has taken courses on empathy’s has over 100 books on recovery and marriage and belongs to a PA group.
When I listened to this podcast I started thinking that I could press charges for things he’s done. Hoping him knowing that’s possible for me to do, he would GET IT understand what he did was illegal and start doing the real work.
I mentioned this to him, that I was possibly thinking filing charges but not pressing charges.
He quickly spoke to his therapist came back and told me, that together they thought he should get a Criminal Defense Attorney!
Peggy, I’m so sorry you’ve been abused in this way and that the therapist is unwilling to call out his abuse for what it is. Rather than confront the abuser about this, we recommend safety strategies. Our strategy workshop, Living Free can help you know what’s going on, and how to begin to create some emotional, psychological, and sexual safety.
Thank you for sharing this story. A lot of it is similar to the betrayals I have experienced. (As far as I know the secret pictures and recordings he took of me were never shared anywhere, though, but he also took pictures of girls out in public.. fully dressed in stores, but focusing on their butts. Not technically illegal, but definitely very creepy and concerning.)
There were a few things that I was hoping would be discussed because they are the decisions/ actions that I’m struggling with now.
We were in home separated since January. He moved out in August.
We have 3 kids ages 7-10, including 1 girl. They sleep at his place one night per week. They love him and it would be traumatic to lose the relationship with him, but am I being irresponsible or negligent to allow my daughter, especially, to sleep there? The secret bathroom and bedroom recordings I found were only of me, but I know that he is attracted to young teens and our daughter is approaching that stage. If I stop unsupervised and/or overnight visits, how do I explain this to my kids?
Do I tell his family members what happened so they can try to help him get help? They continue to communicate with me and be supportive, but I think they assume it was just normal marital stresses or growing apart… not years of sexual and emotional abuse.
And what do I tell other people, like friends? I tend to be an open book and absolutely hate keeping secrets (total opposite of him), and I know I don’t need to defend myself to anyone, but a huge part of me wants people to know why I had to end my marriage and put my kids through this and it wasn’t just for petty reasons. I just bite my tongue and remind myself that my kids don’t deserve to have people gossip or think negatively of their dad, and I tell myself that this need to justify and seek validation is probably a sign that I need a good therapist, but man is it hard!
I’d love to know what others who have dealt with such major violations of privacy and respect tell their not-best friends (my best friends know), their kids, their ex-in- laws, and what sort of custody arrangement you have and whether or not you are worried for your children’s safety. Thank you!
I am 2 months post-discovery of a horrible sexual betrayal and so many things that Sandy spoke about hit home. I have found that one of the best tools to help me heal, is reading stories I can relate to. Thank you SO MUCH Sandy, for bravely sharing such a deeply personal story with your fellow broken souls. ❤️
I’ve always suspected that I was sexually abused by my first husband. I basically raised myself and took care of my mom who was an addict. My extended family was no support at all. No one believed me which made me question my own beliefs. He controlled through coercion, guilt and shame. I was desperate for love and I mistakenly took his interest as love. I didn’t know any better. I married at 19 and was very gullible. He wanted me to watch stuff that made me sick and made me feel dirty. He made me believe that it was my duty in marriage. He would lie to me about what was going on. I also believe he was a narcissist. He would never talk about anything and was unwilling to change. He refused counseling. He too had a job where he had to work late a lot. I began to feel that something was off about it and nothing I did could to prove he was lying. I found out years later that the affair was happening at work. One day, I snooped his wallet and found a list of swingers names and numbers and a lot of money. When I finally got the courage to leave, I subpoenaed his cell phone bills and found he was calling escort services and calling hotels right after. The sexual abuse along with emotional abuse and narcissistic abuse about destroyed me. We had 2 kids together and he continued to try and control me until my youngest turn 21. I played the nice ex-wife for the sake of my kids. That was a longtime to still be emotionally abused through our kids. I finally cut off all access after I found out he had been recording my conversations with his 2nd wife. She was struggling from the same things I did. He used that against me for somethings I said regarding his family. Again, I was the evil one because I couldn’t stand the fact that he was going to get away with his craziness and hurt her the same way he did me. Again, I was made out to be the bad guy again. My kids are hurt because I won’t be around him or his family anymore. He emotionally abused my kids also. Thank you for this information. After 30 years, I’m just now realizing that it was sexual abuse and I’m going to start trying to heal from it. Hopefully I can learn to enjoy sex again.