My Husband Hates Me: Hidden Abuse I Couldn’t See

Have you ever felt like, “my husband hates me” and you had no idea why?

Maybe nothing obvious is happening that you can point to and say, “This proves it.” The truth is: emotionally abusive men don’t have to yell or call you names for you to feel unloved, emotionally unsafe, and completely confused about why your marriage feels so painful.

Take this free emotional abuse test to find out if your husband is emotionally abusive.

Key takeaways from this article:

• How “small” patterns over time erode feeling safe and loved.
• Feeling like you’re “too much” or doubting your own needs often signals deeper issues.
• How covert abuse makes it hard to spot the overall dynamic.
• How setting boundaries may highlighting a troubling power imbalance.
• Finding the right support can help you recognize the pattern and plan steps forward.

5 SIGNS IT’S EMOTIONAL ABUSE AND NOT YOUR FAULT

1. EVERY CONCERN I HAD, MEANT I WAS “TOO MUCH”

Every time I ask for help, express emotion, or bring up a concern, he flips it back on me. He said I was, “too much, unable to let anything go, making mountains out of molehills, or just wanting to fight.” He had no empathy for me.

The repeated message was: any natural reactions, needs, or concerns I had, were character flaws. My husband purposefully kept me in a place of doubting my relationship skills, and his manipulation worked. It kept me spinning my wheels always trying to prove to him that I am lovable.

2. MY HUSBAND HATES ME:WHILE I TRIED HARDER, HE SEEMED TO GET MORE ANNOYED

Have you ever done something nice for him, and he seems super annoyed? Let’s say you’re like, “Hey, I picked up your dry cleaning on the way home.” And he’s like, “Do you want a parade?” You know, he’s got this like sulky teenager sort of reaction instead of saying, “Oh, thank you so much.”

If he’s doing that, you would definitely get the sense that he hated you.

3. HE WAS NOT KIND, BUT I DIDN’T NOTICE UNTIL SOMEONE ELSE POINTED IT OUT TO ME

My husband wasn’t overtly unkind, but I didn’t notice until somebody else pointed it out. I didn’t think my husband hates me. It was when he ignored me at a party. Instead of being like, “Hey, this is my wife,” he just stood in front of me and didn’t introduce me. I had never thought about how rude that was. I just thought, “Oh, maybe he didn’t think about me.”

But not thinking about someone is actually unkind.

4. When I Set A Boundary, He FELT ATTACKED

When I quietly stopped doing something I didn’t want to do, he reacted like I had attacked him. And that confused me for years, because I wasn’t yelling. I wasn’t insulting him. I was simply saying no without always saying the word. And I wasn’t doing anything, besides not doing something I didn’t want to do. He did that all the time.

But if he’s only in the relationship to have control over you, “no” feels like rebellion. Because he does not see your boundary as an autonomous person. He sees it as you failing to serve him.

So when he says he loves you but acts like he hates you, sometimes what he hates is not you. He hates that you have your own needs. Your own limits. Your own body.

It’s shocking to realize the level of abuse you’ve experienced. To learn more about this type of abuse, listen to The Free Betrayal Trauma Recovery Podcast.

Transcript: My Husband Hates Me: Hidden Abuse I Couldn’t See

Anne: I have a member of our community on today’s episode. We’ll be talking about feeling like my husband hates me. We’re gonna call her Allison. Welcome, Allison.

Allison: Thank you so much. I’m so happy to be here. I’m totally fangirling right now, ’cause I have listened to you for so many years. I still can’t believe this is happening. So I did not miss a podcast. I go way, way, way, way, way back. This is so cool for me.

Anne: Oh wow. Well, you’ve been on this journey with me then.

Allison: I know at one time you said you could tell the change in your voice. And I totally could. I found you and it was amazing. Lemme just say it that way. It was the validation.

It’s funny when I try to tell my story now, it’s hard because I am so clearheaded now. And I think it’s so hard to tell how you were then. Because, if I knew now what I knew then. It would be a completely different story. So when I tell people about you, I tell them to go back to the beginning, Because then you can go along with her.

I was married 20 years, I was the textbook, didn’t know anything was really wrong. And I say that now and I think I know a lot of stuff that was wrong.

Anne: Let’s start back at that beginning when you were in the dark, so to speak. Talk about how you felt when you first met him. Did you suspect something was wrong? And then what did you think it was?

I NEVER FELT SAFE OR LOVED

Allison: All this tangible stuff that you can point to, if it was happening. I didn’t know about it. As far as I know, he never cheated on me. I don’t know if he ever used pornography. Didn’t call me names, didn’t yell at me. When we first met, we were in college, we were in our twenties. We were friends, we dated, got engaged and married. Now, I can tell you inside my inner gut, I never really felt safe or loved or anything by him. But I didn’t know that that was wrong.

I’m the kind of person who is optimistic. I’m very hopeful. I can do a lot of things at once. I can solve a lot of problems.

Now, it would be totally different, but I didn’t think anything was wrong. I thought I was super happy, comfortable, and safe in that relationship. In hindsight, I felt like I was always the nag, I was, OCD, I was over the top, I was a pain. I had these extremely high, crazy expectations that nobody could meet. That was just our life, and we had my first son after we’d been married about seven years, and everything just got bad. It was then that I started to think my husband hates me.

And then three years later, we had our daughter, and things got worse. And I thought it was me. I thought I’m just a hard person to be around.

Anne: I don’t know if I’ve said this on the podcast, but of a time we were at a park and he was just being mean to me and I was like, I’m really great. I’m really cool. So it’s the opposite of what you were thinking, it’s me. But maybe sometimes you did think I’m great, why doesn’t he like me?

I TURNED TO MY CHURCH AND THERAPY FOR HELP

Allison: Little voices in my head would be like, why don’t I have these problems with anybody else? Why does nobody else in my life tell me I am difficult to communicate with? I get paid to communicate with people. And I feel like I’m really good at it. But I thought it was me. I was not super religious, grew up Christian, but not overly so.

When I was having a hard time being a mom and didn’t feel like I had any support, I went to church and I just threw myself into the Methodist church, and I would tell you now, I love the Methodist Church dearly in my heart.

They helped me find Jesus, and I love all that. But it made all this so much worse. I needed help because I feel like my husband hates me. I just threw into the submission and be a better Biblical wife, and it took everything already happening and exponentially made it worse.

Anne: Back then when you thought it was you, did you go to therapy? Did you try to go to a couple therapy with him? Can you talk about the therapeutic experience?

Allison: Yes, so the first time we went to therapy, we’d probably been married six years. It was very much, something is wrong, and I don’t know what kind of thing. I found myself more attracted to other people. I was like, why do I like these other men? Or I’d rather be with friends more than him.

Again, I just thought, what’s wrong with me? He’s funny, he is nice, he has a good job, and he treats me well.

I TRIED EVERYTHING AND STILL, MY HUSBAND HATES ME

Allison: So the first time we went to therapy, that was the premise and the therapist, it was the date night, go on more date nights, all this typical stuff. I just tried harder. Thought maybe we should have a baby. Maybe that’ll help. Maybe I should quit work, maybe that’ll help. I tried to be a better wife.

And I threw myself into all The Power of a Praying Wife books. And how can I be a better wife? ‘Cause if I am better. Then he will give me some sort of safety or love that I’m craving.

Anne: You mentioned he was nice to you. He is a good guy. Why don’t I wanna spend time with him? Was he actually nice to you?

Allison: Actually not nice, not nice or kind. He was none of that, but I couldn’t see it. I didn’t think my husband hates me. So again, in hindsight now, he was always very grumpy. He was mean to my friends. Definitely mean to my family. Of course, none of them said anything either.

20 years later, I was like, why didn’t you say anything to me? And they said, “You seemed okay, so we didn’t feel like it was our place.”

Anne: What did they think of him from their point of view?

Allison: Close friends and family, people who really knew me, thought he was a jerk. Why does she like this person? But they just trusted me. They said, “Well, she’s a smart person, he must treat her great at home.” He was mean to waiters, had road rage. He was that kind of person, who was angry all the time.

WORKING FULL TIME AND CARRYING EVERYTHING AT HOME

Allison: That all elevated when we had kids. I think most people questioned me. What is she seeing in him? That made me question myself even more. Everything I tried to do, therapy, church, and advice from people who loved me, put it more onto me.

So the first time I went to therapy, just nothing. I felt this heavy weight. Now I have to work full-time and take care of everything in the house, take care of the yard and the cars, and plan all our date nights and stuff so that he will be nice to me. It just put even more onto me. Our pattern was complaining or criticizing, or asking for help, or having any emotion. And then him saying, “Well that’s you. You’re too much, you’re overboard. You can never let anything go. You just wanna fight.”

It was, gaslighting at its extreme. And I took it, I don’t think it’s ’cause I’m stupid or a doormat. I think I took it cause I just thought I could fix it.

Anne: Also, strangely, it shows what a good person you are. You weren’t super offended. You were like, “Oh, maybe that is true. Maybe I can improve.” You didn’t feel like my husband hates me.

Allison: I’ve always liked self-improvement. I think my dad gave me The Seven Habits when I was in high school school. I’ve always been the kind of person who thrives on how I can become a better person. That’s always been me.

And so, I just fit the mold. I always say now, “What a great person to be married to.” He was married to somebody who was going to keep trying.

ABUSERS SEEM TO FIT THE SAME MOLD

Anne: I wouldn’t say you fit the mold. And this is why, it’s really weird. The abusers seem to fit the mold. ‘Cause they all tend to have the same patterns, even if they look a little bit different. But victims act totally different. Some of them, I didn’t do this, but some shut down and become more quiet.

Some become louder. And some try self-improvement, some don’t. It’s really interesting that we react in all different kinds of ways, but the fact that they lie, and then they keep lying, and they don’t stop lying, is what makes them pretty much all similar. It depends on how they lie.

Allison: Fast forward 20 years later. ‘Cause it was really just 20 years of the same. We found ourselves in therapy a couple more times between this and that point. At first, I thought something was maybe wrong with my son. He needs to go to therapy.

Is he on the spectrum? What is wrong? Why is family fighting all the time? Why can’t we sit down to a meal without fighting? And why are we always fighting in the car? Why do we not fight when I go out with my friends and their kids? And it was just, what is wrong here? And the therapist that time. I think he saw it. I really do, this person saw it. He told my ex, if you wanna see changes in the behavior of your son, you’ll need to treat your wife the way you want your son to treat her.

You can’t yell at your son for leaving stuff around the house, and not help out at home. If you are not doing those things.

MY HUSBAND HATES ME: HE WAS LAZY TO AN EXTREME

Allison: It was very elementary, and very gentle. And my ex is like, we’re never gonna see him again. That therapist is terrible. He’s trying to blame it all on me. It just wasn’t worth the fight, that was time number two.

Anne: During this time, did you ever find pornography or affairs or sexting or anything like that?

Allison: I didn’t, to this day, I still don’t know. They’re all the same, it would not surprise me.

Anne: Yeah, there are so many women who are like, I don’t know. And then later they find out or never find out. Even though they feel like my husband hates me. But it wouldn’t surprise me either, with what you’re saying.

Allison: And honestly, I’m at the point where it doesn’t matter either way. I think I lived a very long time in the, I need something to prove that he’s a bad person for me to justify how I feel.

All I could say tangibly is that he was lazy to an extreme. He would never help with anything. He’s set his alarm to go off at four o’clock in the morning, and it would go off and wake everybody up. But then wouldn’t get outta bed till eight o’clock in the morning, constantly for years. We had two kids, and I’m putting ’em to bed at night. I’d say, can you do the dishes so that I can just come downstairs and watch TV after I put the kids to bed? I come downstairs, he’s asleep. The dishes aren’t done. And next morning, I would say, “I thought you were gonna do the dishes, that upset me.”

IT WAS EASIER TO DISASSOCIATE FROM THE PATTERNS

Allison: It was just, “Why can you not let anything go? You make a mountain out of a mole hill. You just wanna fight all the time.”

I didn’t see those as patterns. It was so covert. Everything turned back onto me and I just accepted it. ‘Cause I think it felt like I had a little bit of control. If I could accept that it was me, maybe I could fix it.

Anne: Yeah, I mean that’s the hope, we want to fix it.

Allison: We want to fix it.

Anne: Yeah.

Allison: When he would say things like, “You just wanna fight. You want to blow this up?”

Now I look back at those conversations, and I wish I could go back in time, because it’s the last thing I wanted. But instead of me being that clear and saying, “No, I don’t wanna fight.” I would say, “I’m so sorry I did this. I’m so sorry I brought this up.”

Anne: Mm. Mm-hmm.

Allison: It just got easier to disassociate from it and try to do my own thing, than to try to fix it, because every fight ended with me. Not just fight, every conversation ended with it was my fault. And so it just got easier to never have a conversation or never bring up a concern, ’cause it was just gonna be my fault anyway.

I LOST MYSELF COMPLETELY

Allison: Then I lived for several years like that, and that’s where I just lost myself completely.

One day my sister said, “Something’s not right”. Again, it was all very gentle, nothing blew up. Something just doesn’t seem right. You’ve been married for 20 years, having the same fight for 20 years.” She had been married a little over 10. And she’s like, “We resolve problems. You’ve never resolved a problem, and that’s not normal.”

I let this little pin prick into my head that maybe this isn’t normal and maybe it’s not me. That was it. It was very gentle. That’s when I went back to that same therapist for about eight years before and sat on his couch, and I was like, “Something’s not right. I don’t know what’s wrong, but I just don’t wanna do anything.”

And I’m a happy person. I’m an extrovert. I just wasn’t myself. He had already seen it eight years before. Very gently he said, “Here’s a book called Boundaries using them in marriage. Maybe you should read this.”

And so I read it and I was like, oh, yay, this is what’s wrong. We’re gonna fix it. He’s gonna read the book and realize that, oh, and we’re gonna fix it. And then that’s when the bottom dropped out. Because when I switched my tactic to, maybe it’s not all me, maybe it’s only 99% me, but 1% you, he lost it. And that’s when things escalated and it started becoming a little bit more overt.

MY HUSBAND HATES ME: I FOUND BETRAYAL TRAUMA RECOVERY

Allison: That’s right about when I Googled, “Why am I so unhappy in my marriage if nothing is wrong?” Something like that. I think covert abuse popped up and I was like, I wonder what that means. Gaslighting popped up.

That’s when I found BTR, I started listening to your podcast. This is what’s happening. Oh my gosh. I was still hopeful it could fix it, because now I knew what it was. I lived like that for about nine months. And then one day it was like, no, I still very gently went to him and said, “You need to get outta the house. And if you ever decide to admit that maybe some of this could be you and you wanna talk, then come back and talk to me. But in the meantime, I’m done.” We had a big blow up.

Then family court drama and the kids and all that. I saw who he really was, ’cause then it all came out. He went from literally one week of, “You’re the love of my life. Please don’t leave. We can work this out. I’ll do anything. I will do anything to save this.”

It went from that to, “I want to destroy you. I will do anything to destroy you, destroy your family, destroy your business and take your children.” And it was that fast. Then I spent a few years trying to figure all that out. I faced the painful truth, my husband hates me.

Anne: That’s what frustrates me about the domestic abuse services. I didn’t need the domestic violence shelter. But help with navigating the emotional, psychological, and spiritual abuse. They’re all about divorce, and if you don’t get divorced, something’s wrong with you.

THEY WANT TO SCARE YOU, SO THEY CAN CONTROL YOU

Anne: They look at you like you’re crazy if you don’t wanna get divorced. And then the second problem is they think divorce is the solution.

Allison: Yes, it’s the start of the journey.

Anne: Not the solution.

Allison: No, that’s where you were invaluable. I’m telling you. So at this point, we had Our Family Wizard, and my sister had the password, and she would scrub through them. She’d say, this is the only thing you need to answer.

I was terrified to block his number. I was terrified to not answer the phone if he called. Because I just thought, I have to answer the phone because if I don’t, he’s gonna say I’m not answering the phone, and then I’m not being collaborative, and then he’s gonna use that with the lawyer. That was the scariest part, that time right then.

Anne: The thing I wanna tell women listening is, yeah, you’re scared and you’re scared for good reason because they’re scary, but they want to scare you. They’re scaring you on purpose, so that you’ll do what they want. It’s a form of coercive control.

Allison: He was always able to gaslight me some way, so the pattern’s the same, it’s just that whatever they’re doing to scare you.

Anne: When the gaslighting stopped working, that’s when he started using the other thing. And then when the court’s involved, the court becomes like an extension of his.

A THREE YEAR COURT BATTLE

Allison: Yeah, and my kids by then were older, I do thank God every day they weren’t younger. My heart breaks for women with young kids in this system because, this was really hard on my kids and sometimes I feel like we barely got out alive.

I feel like we were bloody and bruised, it was so hard on all of us. But they were older, I was always honest with them. You’re given all kinds of weird advice, don’t ever disparage him.

I was always very gentle about it. Your dad thinks differently than I think, but you can have your own relationship with him. He accused me of alienation, and we had the whole thing and spent hundreds of thousands of dollars and whatever.

But they were older. And that three year court battle ended with them talking to the judge alone. And she set us free. She said, “The final ruling that came down was that the children should spend half their time with their father. You worry about them watching inappropriate media. And it literally said something like, it’s not the mother’s sole responsibility to make that happen. That’s all it said. And so I never heard from him, he fell off the face of the earth.

Anne: Isn’t that crazy? He spent hundreds of thousands of dollars fighting you for the kids, and then once it ends, nothing. There’s a section of that in my workshop that you’d appreciate that talks about that and the strategy to use because of this very reason. It is crazy that they will fight and fight and fight.

MY HUSBAND HATES ME: HIS BEHAVIOR VALIDATED THE TRUTH

Anne: In my case, I was trying to have custody remain the same. And he was getting more, so I was fighting that in court, and he won basically. I ended up stopping the suit and just filing out of court. But a year later, he completely was like, yeah, you can have them full time all the time. I’m like, why did you just spend $50,000 fighting me in court when you didn’t want the kids? It’s never about the kids. It showed that my husband hates me and wants me punished.

Allison: And you know in a way all that stuff was very validating to me.

Anne: Yeah.

Allison: It’s hard now. I can’t get back in my brain where I was then. But I was very confused. I sound now like I was very sure of myself. I was not always sure of myself. There were lots of times where I wondered if I was doing the right thing. I’m talking to a guardian ad litem and we’ve got all these different therapists. I was trying to do the right thing, but I wasn’t always sure I was doing the right thing.

Now in hindsight, his terribleness is very validating. And now my kids are doing fine. They will have issues that they will have to deal with the rest of their lives, and they will deal with it. But for the most part, they are doing okay.

Anne: And I think kids do way better when they know it’s not them. When they know, I’m lovable, my dad’s incapable of loving people. That has nothing to do with me.

YOU’LL FIND YOU’RE NOT ALONE

Allison: Right, and you can have a relationship with a dad who’s a jerk. That’s fine, they just had to learn their own boundaries. My one son is almost 21 now and my daughter’s 17. So they can do whatever they want with this, and we’ll see. I think the part that’s so hard now to tell people is when they’re in that super confused state.

‘Cause I just want them to jump to here. I know you feel like you’re gonna die, and I know you feel like you can’t go on. And I promise you, you can. The women in this community are awesome. They are rock stars. I mean, these are women who never made a dime and are now supporting themselves off strange part-time side hustles and just amazing.

Anne: I know. It’s so hard, so in my workshop that I designed for women in that specific situation. So they could see what was happening.

Allison: It’s so critical. It’s so good.

Like literally a hundred percent sure that these would help people. You have to be clear enough in your head to believe it and trust it. And I think that’s really hard, especially when you’re in that initial stage. You’re given all this advice, and you’re just bombarded by all these people.

Just listen to some podcasts, read some books, like Trauma Mama Husband Drama. You’ll find that you’re not alone. And it’s so validating. Listen to the survivors and the people who now can be like, I did it. My husband hates me and I survived.

Anne: Yeah.

MAKING SENSE OF IT ALL THROUGH BETRAYAL TRAUMA RECOVERY

Allison: I just feel like we went through like a battle, but we’re still here.

Anne: Yeah, so for those women who are listening and thinking like, okay, should I trust Anne? I’m not saying blindly, but the women who have shared their stories, like Allison. Should I trust the workshop or should I continue to go to couple therapy? And I’m not even like quit couple therapy. Just do the BTR Workshop and see if you feel differently afterwards. It’s so hard to trust someone, especially like a “podcast” rather than a therapist, your church or your family.

Allison: I’ll tell you from my experience. When I would listen to you. What you were saying made sense. Where sometimes what a therapist told me, I had to almost figure out how to make it make sense, right?

Everything you said made sense. I didn’t have to reach. And you sounded a lot, like how I felt. So my problem is, it’s hard for me to put into words or writing. So when I hear somebody who can articulate how I feel, that feels good. That person sounds like how I feel. And then when your guests come on, I’ve listened to so many of ’em. I usually walk my dog, listen to the podcast, and walk around my neighborhood.

I’m always like, yes, that’s it. And you’ll hear the same things. When people say, and then he called me a name and he yelled at me. Sometimes you start, “Oh, is my situation really as bad?” You start these comparisons.

MY HUSBAND HATES ME: TAKING INFORMATION TO MY THERAPIST

Allison: But it’s more that you could just relate to them. I think that’s what I would say. If you’re talking to your pastor or therapist, it feels like a stretch. But if you hear somebody you feel you can relate to, you can probably trust them.

Anne: It’s been interesting. A few women have said, “I listened to your podcast. It was amazing. Then I took your information to my therapist, so that I could train my therapist in what you were saying, so that she could help me or he could help me. And I’m like, you realize you don’t have to train our coaches in our Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group sessions.

We already know how to do this. So if you’re feeling like, oh, this is so good. I’m gonna take this information to my therapist. We’re here, you don’t have to train us. We already know this. We can help you now, instead of having you teach your therapist what we’re saying.

Also, they won’t actually get it. They’ll maybe act like they do because they would be doing it if they got it.

Allison: It’s hard to trust therapists, pastors. It’s very hard for me now. I was doing the same thing. I would try to give books to the people helpers in my life, “Listen to this.”

And they almost wanna fight it. Who is this person? Or why? I think now, if I’m having to work so hard to get something, there’s something wrong there. Maybe my husband hates me.

Anne: We’re here to help you now. You don’t have to train us. We can help you immediately.

YOU REALLY NEED AN ADVOCATE

Allison: What’s really helping you would be my question. Is it really helping you?

Learning all this stuff from people who understand. If that hadn’t happened, I don’t know if I would’ve been strong enough to fight with the therapist, the guardian at litem, the pastor, the family who didn’t believe.

I did need some backup, but I hate that now. And what I would tell people now is, “It’s your gut. If your gut tells you this person sounds trustworthy, and this person can articulate how you feel, and they can articulate what’s actually going on in your life. Then that’s the person you can trust.”

Anne: I don’t think anyone can do it alone. So I don’t think you need to feel bad about being like, man, I couldn’t go against the therapist or the pastor and should have been able to do it. I don’t think anybody can. You really do need an advocate or somebody who validates you, because otherwise you legit think you’re going crazy when you realize my husband hates me..

Allison: Yes, for sure. That’s the mind control. I also got very into stories about people who left cults. I would read. I’d get this advice from the bad therapists, the bad pastors, and the bad books.

And I couldn’t relate to it. Then I’d watch a documentary about somebody who left Scientology and I was like, oh my gosh, I get her. And it was weird to me. I was like, why can I relate with that person who has nothing in common with me, and I can’t relate to this person at my own church who’s trying to help me?

AN UNDERSTANDING COMMUNITY EXPONENTIALLY HELPS HEALING

Allison: That seemed strange to me. Instead, I just trusted it a little bit, and I started doing a little more research, and I thought you were in that. And that’s why I just fully believe these relationships are a little cult of one, and it’s like leaving a cult. Because all that gaslighting, especially if it’s covert, that makes that so much harder. So they need advocates.

Anne: I like that, “cult of one.” Yeah, you need a foundation of truth somewhere. Because otherwise it just feels like you’re floating in space with nothing to hold onto. It’s very, very difficult.

Allison: I put some stuff on Facebook, probably a little more real than I should have. Then I’d have somebody reach out to me, and I’d get a Facebook message from somebody, oh what you just posted? Then I’d say, “Hey, do you wanna meet?”

A friend who knows a friend who knows a friend. And what we saw was that it was so much easier for me to see it in somebody else. She’d send me conversations or recordings of their conversations or texts. And I would be like, “Oh this is what he is doing, this is what he’s doing.” It was so clear to me that my husband hates me.

And then we started realizing you start from the person who needs a lot of help, then you’re now suddenly the person helping somebody here. So that was another thing that I think your community, it exponentially helps that healing.

MY HUSBAND HATES ME: VALIDATION IN THE BEGINNING IS CRITICAL

Anne: Yeah, I’ve been thinking about this a lot. We call them Chucks at BTR.

Allison: Yes.

Anne: So with your Chuck, you know all these other things about him. It’s hard to sort through it, but other people from the outside are just looking at the facts.

Allison: Yes.

Anne: They haven’t had the late night conversations with him where he tells you he’s totally in love with you or that he was so hurt as a child.

Allison: Sorry, and he won’t do it again.

Anne: Yeah, they haven’t had any of that, and so they can look at the actions, the behaviors, and what’s going on, and it’s very clear. But it’s foggy in the middle, when my husband hates me.

Allison: That was a mean thing to say.

Anne: Yeah.

Allison: I’m intrigued by the use of AI in all this now. I have our old emails I had with him towards the end, these things that will analyze them for you. It is fascinating.

But anything validating in that beginning is also so critical. I think the hardest was, oh yeah, this seems so clear. And it felt like lightning bolts coming at me. I woke up and it was so clear.

And then, you go through the day or the next day and it’s all mush again. Where did that clarity go, where did that validation go? The community can give you that over and over and over.

WHEN THE PAST TRAUMA STARTS TO FADE

Anne: Yeah, that’s exactly it. Because without that daily check-in with reality, where someone’s validating reality. It does make it hard to hold onto.

Allison: Yes.

Anne: I’m so glad we’ve gone down that same path. We’ve had the same sort of experiences-ish. And now we’re both safe and delivered. I always use that word delivered.

Allison: Oh I use that word all the time. I loved when you were doing that part. And I loved when you were praying for deliverance for him. I was doing the same thing.

Anne: Yeah.

Allison: That was a fun phase.

Anne: I’ve done a couple of interviews lately with women. I agree with them in this moment. They’ve said things like, “Trauma, it always stays in your body. You’re never gonna forget, he wants me to forget, but how can I forget feeling like my husband hates me?”

That kind of thing. And I 100% agree, because when I was there, that’s how I felt. And now, I forget sometimes. It’s weird ’cause I’m not living with it. I’m not experiencing his trauma anymore. And once you’re completely safe and delivered, I wouldn’t say I would ever forget. Sometimes when people tell stories, it takes me back there.

Today I remembered when I was in the park. I can go back there.

I recently finished my book and that has been interesting because I detail some of the things that happened. Evidence that my husband hates me. And they’re really bad. I can’t remember exactly how many, but I think it was seven therapists and five or six bishops that I went through.

MY HUSBAND HATES ME: I STILL GET ANGRY SOMETIMES

Allison: That’s very similar to me, same kind of numbers.

Anne: So at least just on my day-to-day living, I don’t think about it. This is my job, so I think about it when I’m talking to people, but going about my day, no. I don’t constantly think my husband hates me.

Allison: I had the one good therapist. I went through years and did EMDR therapy, and I did it a lot. One time I sat down with him and he said, “Someday, you’re gonna be sitting on a beach somewhere, and this is gonna be gone. It will not be in your head.” I’m holding onto that. It’s not quite there. I still get angry sometimes, ’cause stuff still happens.

Anne: Yeah.

Allison: Something will happen with the kids, and I have to communicate. It’s very rare, we don’t communicate much, but stuff still happens, and I can still get very angry.

So the anger is definitely still there. I feel like he wasted all those years of my life. But then just like you, I’m like, I would’ve never been this person I am now, which is doing all these other wonderful things. I can rationalize that in my head.

The one part I can’t get over yet. And so this would be interesting to hear you talk to other people about it. ‘Cause I want to get over it, I want him to say he’s sorry. I just crave it. I don’t ever wanna see him again. It wasn’t all you,

Anne: For him to suddenly be like, you know what? I lied to your face. It was 100% me. ‘Cause that’s what he would have to say.

Allison: Exactly, yeah.

HE’S STILL BLOCKED ON MY PHONE

Allison: Someday, even that’s gonna go away and that will be great. When I just don’t even care anymore.

That’s the only thing that hangs on there every once in a while. I’ve had so many other people tell me it’s not you. And I don’t know why I care. I just wish that would go away.

Anne: That makes total sense.

Allison: It’s most likely never gonna happen. It might just fade into where he just disappears completely from my thoughts.

Anne: My situation right now with my Chuck, I think he wants me to like him. Not sexually or anything, but I’ll say something, and he’ll be so friendly and happy about it. Because I use the strategies now,

I think he thinks everything’s fine. And when I say that, I know that he is still the person he was. He is lying still, it’s just that now I’m apathetic about it and don’t care about engaging with him. But I think he actually thinks, oh, things are good now. Even though he still does things that prove my husband hates me.

The fact that he’s still blocked on my phone, the fact that I will never talk to him except for through Our Family Wizard, the fact that I don’t believe a word he says, there’s all these things. I wasn’t like that until I got delivered, and since I got delivered, maybe I’ll say something to him like, oh, what a nice day. But that’s it. At that point, I’m out of there. If we talked for longer than 30 seconds or maybe 10 seconds, that the dagger would definitely come out.

JUST DO THE NEXT “RIGHT” THING

Anne: And his wife, I think at this point, likes me a lot more than she likes him. It’s weird, because over text, she’s so friendly. She always asks me very politely. If I say no, she’s like, no problem. She’s amazing. I am so grateful for her. She’s great.

But in person, when I see her, she’s got that look on her face, like I’m in a bad situation. I don’t know what to do. I wonder if she’s thinking my husband hates me. And I have no idea if she knows about the podcast or not, but I think, oh man, if you listened, think about how much you related to me. Can you imagine my Chuck’s wife listening and being like, this is my life literally. That would be crazy.

I don’t know if that’ll ever happen. I’ve been lucky, and my kids have been lucky. She’s a good person. So my ex had good taste. I’ll say that about him.

Allison: He picked you.

Anne: Yeah, anyway, I don’t know what will happen with that. Sometimes I fantasize for two seconds about her showing up on my door.

Allison: I listened to your podcast, I need your help. That would be very validating as well.

Anne: Yeah, this is specifically for you.

Allison: Yes.

If any of this resonates with you. If you think something is wrong, and you can’t put your finger on it. Trust that it doesn’t mean you’re over emotional or over sensitive. That’s reality, that’s God telling you, trust it, and then just do the next thing. That was the most helpful advice, just do the next thing, right?

HELPING WOMEN FIND THE TRUTH THEY NEED

Allison: So if you listened to the first one, your first podcast you’ve ever listened to, scroll back and find one where maybe the title sounds like something that you can relate to and listen to that one.

It starts from a tiny pinprick of reality, truth, and light. In the end, what happens is like that pin prick of light becomes so much. And everybody gets there.

Anne: Yeah.

Allison: I don’t know one person that hasn’t got there. They’ve all got there in their own ways and their own time.

Anne: Yeah, exactly.

Allison: Everybody gets there. Because it’s real, because this is what’s happening. You are not a bad person, and he’s a jerk. I wouldn’t trade it. I wouldn’t go back and not do this, ’cause I wouldn’t be who I am and able to see things the way I see, that’s a unique way.

Anne: Thank you so much for taking the time to spend with us today. Sharing stories helps women who might be thinking my husband hates me.

Allison: I love it. And I’m gonna keep listening. I listen every week.

Anne: Awesome, thank you.

Allison: Thank you so much.