Post-traumatic Growth Treatment For Divorce After Emotional Abuse

Women seeking treatment for divorce following the devastation of betrayal and a life they didn’t expect, often ask, “Will I ever be okay again?” It’s hard to imagine at first, that they’ll be able to make something meaningful for themselves and their children out of something so painful.

However, post-traumatic growth is real and here are a few key things to remember when you feel overwhelmed by what is happening now.

KEY STEPS: Post-Traumatic Growth TREATMENT FOR DIVORCE

1. KNOW THE TRUTH ABOUT WHAT’S REALLY HAPPENING NOW

 A lot of people think that divorce should be the solution. Like if you’ve been emotionally abused and you’re getting divorced, then you’re not gonna be emotionally abused anymore in theory. But that’s not what happens in real life. Many women continue to be emotionally and psychologically abused by their soon to be ex-husband throughout the divorce process.

So understanding that it’s continuing to happen right now can help you feel like you’re not crazy when other people are like, “I thought you were getting divorced, like, why can’t you move on?”

It’s not that you’re not moving on, you 100% are, it’s that you’re continuing to be abused currently.

Even if you’re not filing for divorce, a good place to start to determine what is really going on in your relationship by taking an emotional abuse test.

2. SAFETY IS AN Essential TREATMENT FOR DIVORCE AND EMOTIONAL ABUSE

The foundation for post-traumatic growth is emotional and psychological safety. If you’re being gas-lit and manipulated all the time, your brain isn’t safe from his continued lying. I don’t know about you, but I think that every woman deserves to feel safe in her own home and in her own body. And that includes being with people who are emotionally and psychologically safe. People who don’t lie to her constantly.

The problem with going through the divorce process is you’re trying to heal from all the emotional abuse you’ve experienced in the past while it’s currently still happening, and you have to be in contact with him, especially if you have kids together.

However, during this process, if you learn how to protect yourself from the continued lying and manipulation, that creates a powerful sense of safety, which automatically heals you and propels you to keep moving forward toward the healthy life that you’ve always wanted.

You can learn how to protect yourself using emotional safety strategies in The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Workshop, or seek support in a Group Session.

3. POST-TRAUMATIC GROWTH STARTS WITH CARING FOR yourself

If you’ve been emotionally abused and divorce is the result, it’s going to be painful no matter what.

You probably won’t feel like you’re handling it well, and maybe other people will imply that you’re not handling it well, but I promise you, you’re handling it really well.

It’s an extremely difficult situation and you are doing the best you can and it’s amazing.

So good job.

Post-traumatic growth isn’t escaping the pain or dealing with it perfectly. It’s more like just holding on for dear life, looking at the light at the end of the tunnel, knowing that you will get to safety eventually, especially if you have the support of women who’ve been through it before.

And I wanna share how you can get the kind of support that you really need as you make your way out of this tunnel.

Transcript: HEALING TREATMENT FOR Divorce You Didn’t Want

Anne: Welcome Ava.

Ava: Thank you. I appreciate you having me here. Most people I think heading into divorce would call it the worst time of their life. Just the amount of undoing and falling apart feels overwhelming. And then, sometimes a year later or years later, we will look back and see that what we went through shaped us in some meaningful way, that likely couldn’t have happened without all that catastrophe.

Anne: For me, it’s been a number of years, and now I feel that way. I’ve learned so much the hard way. I’m always learning things the hard way.

Ava: I don’t think there’s any other way.

Anne: We all thought, no, no, no, I can handle it or do it this way. And I’ll be fine. And we didn’t really understand the situation. Or we didn’t understand the consequences. Then we were stuck with them, and now we all know better, but we all know better too late.

Uncovering Truths About Your Spouse

Ava: Yeah, you don’t understand who your spouse is. And as you move through divorce, you uncover truths that you either previously weren’t aware of or that come to light in new ways. And especially when abuse is involved, it can be particularly devastating.

Anne: Well, and I think everyone listening to this podcast understands they’re in a relationship with an abusive man. That’s who this podcast is for. But the divorce process helps women understand the level of abuse they’re experiencing. Which is often way more extreme than they ever realized, and that’s why it’s so devastating. Because they’re not aware of how abusive the person is, they’re not really prepared.

They don’t practice strategic ways of dealing with an abuser beforehand. Because they don’t know they need to do it until they’ve tried all the other things, and they’re like, this is really, really bad. I always want to find some way to help victims avoid learning that. But I don’t think there is any other way to learn it other than trial and error. You think, no, I’ll be able to deal with this person rationally.

The Legal Process & challenges in Treatment for Divorce

Anne: And then you realize later, I couldn’t. But nobody jumps from zero to this person is a really scary person. Unless they’ve had a lot of experience with that person.

Ava: Right, and so much of that is encountering the reality of it. What you’re talking about, trying to avoid the path through. It’s exactly that. You can’t change the way you address reality until you’re looking at it. And to look at it is so painful.

Anne: Especially when you share kids.

Ava: Especially.

Anne: The kid part is so hard, because you are continually being abused through the divorce process. And then after you’re divorced. So then it’s learning how to protect yourself from the abuse post divorce. Which is so, so hard.

Ava: And that can be particularly sticky. When you have an abuser who is constantly trying to insert themselves in what it looks like for you to have a life.

Healing treatment for Divorce: Shifting Focus From “We” To “Me”

Anne: Mm hmm. It’s not just related to treatment for divorce, but also to abuse recovery in general. Moving forward with the life you want to create, regardless of what he’s doing or choosing to do.

Ava: Right. The years we’re investing in marriage are very much a “we.” We’re always thinking about the we, even if that we is filled with abuse. We’re still thinking, how can I make this we better? To separate in a way that starts to only consider “me.”  And that can feel like a big jump at first. It sounds selfish. It sounds a little myopic in the way you’re thinking about it. But when we think what is best for me, we start to get a lot more creative about the activities that we’re going to undertake to get through this really painful experience of divorce.

Anne: Yeah, and let’s pretend for a minute that you weren’t going to get divorced, you would still move from a “we” to a “me” place. The whole point of abuse recovery and healing is to find the kind of life that you want, and start making your way toward that life.

Ava: Yeah, when you get an abusive situation, where your will and your ego cannot overcome it, you don’t get to live the way everybody else does. And so, I’m going to have to adult in ways that sometimes seem unfair, because not everybody else has to do it. But for me, it’s still the most necessary part of what it means to be a free, full individual.

Living Free & Finding Independence

Anne: And that’s a big deal. You’ve lived for 45, 50, or 30 years in a different way. And this will be a totally different way of perceiving the world, of interacting with the world.

Ava: Yeah, and it’s a breaking and remaking. I think some people resist this post-traumatic growth treatment for divorce because they don’t think it should be happening, and it shouldn’t have to happen. The truth is, anybody who’s gone on any meaningful spiritual adventure has this breaking and remaking moment. You’ll get several chances in life where you learn how to become the kind of person who actually can handle far more than you realized.

Anne: it really is a miracle, at least with my own personal story. When I look back and think about the times where I knew I could not handle it. I knew I couldn’t, in my gut, in my soul, it was like, this is too much. This is too hard. I shouldn’t have to do this. Why am I forced to do it? And now looking back and thinking, I did handle it. Like, even in those moments where I knew I couldn’t, now I’m like, I was.

And the same thing with all our listeners, you are doing it. It might not feel like it. You might feel terrible. You’re taking one small step at a time. And when you look back, you’ll realize I survived. I did handle that.

YOU’RE PROBABLY Handling IT BETTER THAN YOU THINK

Anne: Even if it feels like you’re not currently doing that. And there were so many times where I wasn’t doing it well.

Ava: Yeah, we have an imagination that handling looks like I got my nails and my hair done. I’m in a great outfit, and I have a good attitude about it. That’s not what handling it looks like. None of us have made it through the darkest moments of our lives, looking like we were handling it. What handling it looks like is allowing the complete destruction of what was.

And we resist that, because we don’t want it to have to be that way. Therefore it shouldn’t have to be that way. But handling it has a lot more to do with surrendering to the fact that it’s going to happen anyway. And aligning myself with the fact that I actually will make it through. And who do I want be as I do it?

Anne: I like it when you said, this shouldn’t be happening, I don’t want it to happen. It feels like you’re disembodied or watching yourself from far away and thinking, wait, wait, wait, this cannot be happening. And then realizing it is happening. I’m guessing that’s probably why many women don’t prepare or get a lot of information they need beforehand. And then they’re struggling throughout their divorce.

WHAT OVERCOMING REALLY LOOKS LIKE

Ava: And you know, that resistance of “it shouldn’t be this way.” Resistance always exposes us to what we value. Up until now, I valued family, safety, contentedness, and it seems like those things are now going away. How can I still value a sense of contentedness and family and make that happen for me and my children? When it’s not going to happen in the context of what I believe is typical for everybody else.

Anne: You saying that reminds me of something that I thought was important, and that was putting Christmas lights up. So even just a little simple thing. But to me, having Christmas lights outside my house for my kids means I care about my family. I care about Christmas. I’m going to continue to uphold traditions I had before, but how do I get these things on my house? This was overwhelming.

So I paid a kid in the neighborhood 20 bucks, and he put my Christmas lights up. But when they were up, I felt like I’m living this value that I thought I had to depend on someone else for. Overcoming that and then overcoming the next thing, maybe it’s mowing the lawn, maybe it’s a family reunion.

I don’t know what that next thing is, but just one thing at a time. And then now, a number of years later, Christmas lights are not that important to me. But at the time, that was a symbol of something.

POST-TRAUMATIC GROWTH TREATMENT FOR Divorce: HOLD ON TO YOUR VALUES

Anne: That’s one thing I want women to think of too. You might be putting a lot of value on something like Christmas lights, thinking I have to do this thing. This thing really matters, but it’s too hard or too expensive. And taking a step back and maybe realizing, is there something else I can do to feel like I’m supporting my family and have these family values? Realizing what your base motivation is, is always a good step for how to take the next step forward.

Because there will be things that we cannot do. We’re not super people. And so through divorce, there’s going to be maybe things we’re not able to do that we want to do that we think are like the epitome of what our values are. But we can be creative and roll with the punches. You can continue to keep values even if it doesn’t look the way we thought it should look originally.

Ava: Right, the knee jerk response is to look at the activity. Well, we can’t do the things we used to do because of this explosion in our life, and what your encouragement is. How do we step back and go, there’s a value behind this activity. How do I tweak the activity to match what my life looks like now?

Realistic Healing TREATMENT for Divorce

Ava: So that I can preserve that value. Even though I may have lost the exact tradition or way of doing it. I will still communicate the value to my people, the essence of the holidays for me meant time as a family. What does that mean when I have 50% time and how do I keep these values alive and be open to a different expression of them?

Anne: And many of the things that I thought were super important, when it got down to it, they were actually quite hollow. Spending time with my kids in a different way was way more important, and that is what I’ve learned. Finally, after I gave up worrying about the Christmas lights.

So if you’re grappling with how to heal from a divorce you didn’t want, let’s talk about realistic healing. Like what does that look like on a practical level?

Ava: So my former partner has already given me years, sometimes decades, of evidence of their poor predictable behavior. And yet we go into communications with an expectation higher than reality. There seems to be an impulse to still go, maybe this time when we communicate, it’ll be a little better. If I use these words, it’ll happen a little better. The reality is he’s a jerk. He’s going to talk like a jerk, and he’s not going to be cooperative.

When we talk about realistic healing, it’s really being able to return again and again to reality.

HealING TREATMENT FOR DIVORCE: Managing Expectations & Communication

Anne: Yeah, that is for sure. That’s why I created The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Workshop. It’s anticipating that he will act this way, and knowing how to message him in a way that protects us.

Ava: Yeah, I love that. I didn’t want to be the person who makes it harder by expecting something out of my former partner, that they’ve clearly given no evidence that they’re interested in becoming. Now, how do I text to that person?

Anne: Yeah, I think you just hit on something. They actually did promise it in so many of these situations. Because there are these periods of oh, I will always take care of you and the kids. The grooming part feels like they can be reasonable. Knowing that all those behaviors are grooming is a hard mental shift for so many victims to realize. The words that this person says don’t mean anything.

When you’re trying to heal from a divorce you didn’t want. Actions are the only thing I can trust or believe, and when we make that shift, we can live in reality. Because they have created this world through words on purpose to keep her in the fog of abuse. He has lied, deceived, and manipulated using those grooming type words, and it’s hard to know that it was never true.

Grieving & Accepting Reality

Ava: Yeah, there’s tremendous amount of grief involved in letting someone become the miserable mess they are.

Anne: So for you, what was the hardest part of trying to heal from a divorce you didn’t want?

Ava: You know, the inability to say yes to the life I didn’t expect. When we say, no, it shouldn’t be this way. No, I can’t do this. No, I won’t do this, no, it’s not fair. When we put that no out there, that is the limit of where we can grow. And so to start to say tentatively scared, maybe even in a panicked way, I’m going to start aligning myself with reality. I can then say yes to the life I didn’t expect.

From a faith based perspective is everything, we had a plan, and that plan didn’t line up with where the divine was going to lead our lives. And when we sit and throw a very understandable, sympathetic tantrum about not getting it that way.

Anne: I did that for a long time.

Ava: I did too! It’s part of the process, you know, when you talk about the things you want to circumvent.

The Journey Of Personal Transformation

Ava: But the power truly comes in aligning yourself with what is. There is power in surrendering to the way it’s going to be. There is a strength in that, I think most people don’t find initially. But they warm to, and I didn’t know that before my divorce.

I couldn’t trust that before my divorce, but now I can. And that means life can look very different and free in a very different way due to who I’ve become now.

Anne: The who I’ve become now part is super interesting, because you don’t know you’re becoming that person in the process. It’s like one day you wake up and feel good, and the sun is out and you’re not crying. And then you look back and you’re like, Oh wow, I’ve changed. But you don’t know you’re changing while you’re changing. You can only recognize it looking backwards.

I love like now looking back and realizing, wow, I did grow from this experience. But it’s only looking back that we get a good view of that. After you’ve begun to heal from a divorce you didn’t want.

Ava: Yeah. What we don’t realize is the person you’re going to become a year from now, two years from now, 10 years from now. Who’s actually much different than the person you are right now.

The Power Of Small Steps in treatment for divorce

Ava: I think you and I both can look back and go, even in the last year, we’ve become different people. And yet when we cast forward, we always cast forward the same person. We have no imagination about who it is we could become. But I think once you have an experience of it. Like you have, and like I have, you start to go, Oh, wait, there’s something going on behind the scenes here. That’s actually growing me into something.

I think we also expect those growths to be leaps. They’re going to be like big, Oh, I finally get it, like a big, oh right! Instead, it is, at least in my experience, a thousand little ahas built on the back of daily small decisions. To move from we, to me, to figure out those values, to hire the person to get the Christmas lights. It’s those little things that compound into the big, Whoa, look at me. I am totally different. And I actually do like me better now.

Anne: So for those of you listening to this and thinking, no, no, no. That’s not going to happen. There’s not going to be a day where I’m going to wake up and feel good. It’s just bad, and it’s going to be bad. I want to validate that, because I lived in that for a long time. We’re here to sit in that place with you for a while. And then I also want to say, there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

And right now, if that is too painful to think about, it’s okay. It’s okay to have those times of despair, hopelessness, and those emotions that we’ve all felt.

Writing Down A Realistic Profile Of Who He Is

Anne: We will stand at the end of the tunnel and wait for you. And greet you gently when you get there. Because I remember when I was in that stage, and I would hear people talk about the light at the end of the tunnel, which is, I feel like I’ve arrived there now, which is great. But I remember back then being very angry, and not believing it. So I just want to leave a space if you’re in that stage right now.

Ava: Yeah, we’ll hold the hope for you until you can hold it yourself.

Anne: Yeah, exactly. For women considering divorce or starting the divorce process, who probably have a lot of heavy and scared emotions, right? And they’re working through this. What do you think they need to know?

Ava: I think the realistic profile of my former partner and really writing it down. This is what I can predictably count on almost every day from this person. He will ignore me and berate me. Getting clear about who you are about to divorce. So that you don’t start believing the false promises. Like you mentioned, you really go, this is the person I’m divorcing.

Anne: Yeah, exactly. Using the Living Free strategies to determine his true character.

Ava: That’s exactly it. I’m going to look at who are the people I can count on. Very tethered to reality, which again, I would say is the most important thing to do.

Reality Grounding Items

Anne: I love that. I love that. I had a hole in the wall. It was obviously patched from a hole in the wall he punched. And whenever I think, am I crazy? Is it me? What happened? I would go down and feel that patch, and it would help ground me back in reality.

Women will have different things, like a log of journal entries or a positive STD test they received. There could be any number of reality checks that when you feel unmoored a little bit and wondering what reality is. You can feel something tangible or touch something like your journal that can help ground you into reality, because reality is the way to healing.

Ava: And then once you’ve touched that reality, journal, in a repeated way, journal. I will become the person who can get through this. Because your brain will tell you you can’t get through it, and it might be right on some level. When you can start telling your brain, you’re right, but I will figure it out. It puts your brain on the search for how it could figure it out.

I’m willing to not know right now, on my way to knowing soon. I may not be bold enough right now. I may not be courageous enough right now, but I am willing to become the person who can do this.

Anne: Yeah, that’s awesome. I love that. I remember thinking, I’m not a super person. Because I can’t do all these things. And I just felt so overwhelmed by the amount of things to do and the complexity of everything, like single parenting. Plus all the divorce documents, plus mowing the lawn, all the things all at once.

Heal From A Divorce You Didn’t Want: Seeking Help & Building Support

Anne: You are on your way to becoming that person that can do it. In the meantime, there were so many times where I just needed to ask someone for help. Especially when my husband was hiding money. And they were there ready to help me. And I have found that so many victims just do not want to ask for help. It’s embarrassing and humiliating, maybe sometimes they don’t feel like they even have someone they can ask.

I just want to throw it out there that sometimes you can even ask a neighbor who you’re not that close to. Sometimes asking for help helps you get the support network you need. It’s a way to make friends. It’s a way to interact and connect with people. And the worst case scenario is they’ll say no. They were saying no before when you didn’t ask them. So you’re not losing anything. It feels risky, but they weren’t helping before, and they’re not helping now if they say no.

Ava: Asking for help is also aligning yourself with reality. To say to somebody I need help, because this is the reality I live in.

Aligning With Reality Today

Anne: That is exactly why I wrote The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Living Free Workshop strategies. Because I was in this place where I couldn’t figure out reality. It was so frustrating for eight years post divorce. I could not heal, because I was still being injured all the time. I couldn’t protect myself. So when I discovered that these strategies work, whether you’re married, separated or divorced. They help you see reality.

I mean, if you’re looking for how to heal from a divorce you didn’t want, reality is the answer. And the Living Free strategies teach you how to see reality and then what to do with that reality. I think anyone who has truth or reality as their goal will get there one step at a time, one action at a time. As a woman of faith. I feel like God cares about that. So if that’s your intent and where your heart is, you will get there. God will help you get there, there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Thank you so much, Ava for coming on today’s episode.

Ava: I’m so grateful to be with you.

Anne: Thank you so much.

A CASE STUDY POST-TRAUMATIC GROWTH TREATMENT FOR DIVORCE – Simona

Anne: Simona is a doctoral student at Auburn University. Welcome Simona.

Simona: Well, thank you, Anne. thanks for having me on your podcast. I am so excited to be with you.

Anne: I participated in your study, as well as many women in our Betrayal Trauma Recovery community. So let’s start with your study.

Simona: Yeah, by the way, I loved having you on my study as a participant. I realized there’s a gap in literature surrounding post traumatic growth. Which is the growth that people experience after a whole lot of suffering, trauma, and treatment for divorce. And I got interested in this subject because we don’t have a lot of studies to offer hope. Because honestly, this kind of experience doesn’t make sense if we don’t have a community. So I started thinking about this.

Anne: Does your study touch on what causes the betrayal trauma symptoms, or just post traumatic growth? I wonder if the participants identify the cause of the trauma as ongoing abuse. What are they identifying as the cause of the trauma?

Simona: No, I think they might have known about their spouse’s addiction, but they didn’t know the extent of it.

Anne: So they don’t identify the emotional and psychological abuse that they’ve been experiencing?

Simona: Some people don’t, because they can’t define that. They don’t know that’s abuse. They need a person in their life that can say to them, this is actually abuse. This is domestic violence. and chronic stress. This is verbal abuse, manipulation, or psychological abuse. So I think many partners do not even recognize that or define it.

Challenges In Identifying Abuse

Simona: Sometimes their communities do not support them to identify that. As, hey, this is a threat to my identity, my physical integrity, emotional well-being, and my children’s well-being. We are not trained, a lot of us, to recognize this is an actual threat.

Anne: Why do you think in general, the therapeutic community doesn’t recognize that the trauma women experience is from abuse? Or how to know if their husband is abusive? Why do you think they focus on maybe the disclosure or discovering it?

Which is part of the abuse, it’s psychological abuse, the deception and manipulation. Because had they not been psychologically abused. They would have known that their husband had an affair or watched inappropriate material. Why do you think they don’t clearly identify it due to emotional and psychological abuse and coercion?

Simona: I think it takes a lot of time for a person who has lived in that kind of manipulation and control to escape that chaos, haze, and fog. So I would say for me I’m missing pieces. We do not ask the right questions to assess correctly what’s going on.

Anne: For example, if they come in and say hey, my husband is psychologically and emotionally abusing me. Then the therapist would be like, okay. But you’re saying just in general, and I know you don’t speak for all therapists. But perhaps if a person can’t identify they’re being abused. Then their therapist won’t educate them and help them identify it necessarily? They’re just going to meet them where they are?

Betrayal Trauma Recovery’s Approach To Abuse

Anne: I think that’s why, at Betrayal Trauma Recovery, I feel comfortable saying it’s abuse. So anyone who says my husband uses explicit material will be like, oh, you’re dealing with abuse then, right out of the gate. At least for Betrayal Trauma Recovery and the women that come here, that works. We can determine where he is on this spectrum of abuse. Is he lying to you? Has he been gaslighting you?

The main thing on their radar is emotional and psychological abuse and coercion, rather than is he in recovery.

Simona: Right, which I appreciate. I’ve learned over the years it’s better to ask the right questions at the beginning, what’s going on there.

Anne: If explicit material is part of the equation, it’s an abuse issue. And so there’s no reason to have a couples therapist or therapist who’s seeing both people. Because this is an abuse issue, and it’s counter indicated. The inappropriate material is the indicator that you’re working with an abuser. This is how infidelity is harmful. So let’s talk about your study of post traumatic growth.

Post Traumatic Growth Explained

Simona: Post traumatic growth is the growth that happens out of that suffering. It’s really our attempt as human beings to reveal and integrate our interpretation of that trauma. In hopes to find a sense of purpose and coherence for our lives.

Anne: In talking with women experiencing the emotional and psychological abuse associated with someone who is an addict. How do we deal with growth, since the trauma is not post? Like, it’s ongoing.

Simona: You know, that’s a good question. From anecdotal research, yes, I think there are many partners that still live in that traumatic stress, as the threat is not over. And at that point, what I find is that yes, maybe the partners grow. And make sense of some part of their trauma, they grow in some direction.

Anne: Rather than post traumatic growth, would we call it maybe like, during traumatic growth or something? What’s a word? Yeah. We should invent it right now.

Simona: We should invent it right now.

Anne: Current, current traumatic growth.

Simona: I think they grow in identity, as they’re forced to change careers, go back to school. Or to figure things out that they never had to figure out before. And so I think they grow in those areas. But yeah, I would say they’re still in chronic stress. They’re still in a situation where their ability to cope and adapt to life is very hard. Because of these circumstances they have no control over. So they’re in constant threat.

Anne: The trauma they’re experiencing, because it’s due to emotional and psychological abuse isn’t going to stop until they’re separated or far enough away from that harm.

Impact Of TREATMENT FOR Divorce On Trauma SURVIVORS

Anne: Were all of them divorced?

Simona: They’re all divorced, yes. And most of them divorced for at least two years. And even separated for longer than that, three or four years. Because that time between the traumatic event and the process of divorce does make a difference. It’s a variable, right? Time is a variable in our growth and making sense of this trauma.

Anne: So when you say the time between the traumatic event and the divorce. You’re not counting all of the traumatic events, like all the lies and emotional and psychological abuse in your study?

Simona: No, I am not studying that.

Anne: So the only thing you’re studying is the time after they discovered their husband was using inappropriate material.

Simona: Right, yeah, and I think that would be an incredible variable to study. I just have not done that. And I haven’t even configured a question to consider it. And I think that would be an amazing study to see how they grow through this constant stress and constant chronic lying. Especially if you have children and are in custody negotiations or divorce. How did they grow through it? And what kind of support do they need to make sense of it?

Anne: As you interviewed your participants. Just in general, I know that we’re not getting into specifics right now. How many of them continue to experience emotional and psychological abuse after their divorce?

Simona: I would say about half of them, because they have young children.

Anne: So some of the participants, did not share children?

Simona: Some of the participants did not have any or they have full custody.

Recognizing Emotional & Psychological Abuse in treatment for Divorce

Anne: Okay, so the ones with full custody, did you find they had less abuse incidents?

Simona: Yes, mm hmm. Because many of them in my study were able to figure out how to separate from that person. And keep them out of their lives as much as possible.

Anne: So in that sense, it was post traumatic stress, the trauma had stopped. Yeah, I mean, here at Betrayal Trauma Recovery, we confirm over and over again that safety is the treatment. I mean, these women don’t need therapy. They just need to get away from abuse. So that’s why I developed The Betrayal Trauma Living Free Workshop. Which first helps them identify their husband’s true character.

Like what exactly is going on. And then gives them safety strategies to actually protect themselves from the harm. And that is the treatment. If they’re not being abused, they do great. So what are some things that surprised you about what women learned and gained? And when I say gained, I mean, obviously nobody wants to be abused. But what surprised you about what women gained through their post traumatic growth?

Simona: There were about 10 themes that came up consistently, with every one of my participants. They have to tell their stories. They go back and forth between telling me the story of abuse in the marriage and their post traumatic growth. And how they’ve come to this place.

Themes From The Study About Post Traumatic Growth

Simona: What surprised me was honestly, every one of my participants talked extensively about how they had a gut feeling. And they knew that this person was not healthy enough to be a husband, father and partner. And they were not connected somatically to their bodies.

Anne: My guess is they were always trying to resist the abuse. They talked to their husband about it, but they were manipulated out of it. I mean, their husband was like, no, you’re crazy. Of course, that’s not happening. Or you know, a therapist may have said. Let’s improve your communication. Or they went to clergy, and the clergy said, “Are you a good wife? Have faith and pray. So, I think it was more external factors. I mean, they all discounted her feelings.

It’s likely that she actually expressed them to people, and they were discounting her all the time. And being a reasonable, normal, healthy person, she’s taking into account their perspectives. And she’s thinking, maybe they are right. Instead of thinking, I need to go with my gut feeling, and all these other people don’t know what they’re talking about. I mean, that’s a really difficult thing for a reasonable woman to do.

Because if all these other people say he’s fine and that things are good. Then I might be crazy to think that my opinion matters more than these 10 other people’s opinions. I mean, it only proves how reasonable women are, I think.

Connecting With Gut Feelings

Anne: When you said somatic, for our listeners who might not know what that means. Can you define that?

Simona: Yeah, somatic means being in your body with your senses, being connected to yourself to be in tune with your sense of safety, your sense of value, your sense of integrity in your body. I am in my present tense in this place at this moment with this person. And this feels healthy, peaceful, chaotic, or just feels something, but I can’t define what it is. It just doesn’t feel quite right.

Anne: In addition, women maybe not being trained or given permission. I also think there are so many societal, institutional or religious things where people say to women, no, no, no, it’s not that. He’s a great guy and doing well. They’ll go for help to anyone. It could be family, friends or clergy. It could be anybody.

And the person they go to for help is like, oh, you know, that happened to me once, and I was just forgiving and it all worked out. Instead of digging in and helping women trust their gut. It’s amazing how many times women go for help, and then they’re talked out of it.

Simona: I would agree with you, yes.

Anne: So that was one of the main themes, which was that women have these somatic experiences, where they have a gut feeling where something isn’t right. But for whatever reason, they’re not able to identify it. They’re talked out of it. Can you talk about the other main themes you found?

Spiritual Bypassing & Abuse

Simona: Yeah, another one that surprised me was they started being awakened to spiritual bypassing in their families and communities. Which is the idea of, we use a sense of religiosity, which is performance and rules, to bypass how we feel. To bypass healthy boundaries, to bypass talking about what is toxic.

And they are awakened to this spiritual bypassing in their communities. While they realize that their higher power, and for many of my participants, it’s God. Their higher power is a person, and they want to go deeper into this authentic relationship with their higher power. Spiritual bypassing is using our religiosity, our religious beliefs, and religious rules. I would call it legalism, to bypass how we feel, to bypass the abuse, to rationalize it and minimize it.

In some communities, a sign of spiritual bypassing being super spiritual, but not looking at the reality of somebody’s lack of boundaries.

Anne: Or there’s some, I’m going to use the word magical, a magical way to not have to process the injuries. That you have incurred from the abuse. And also some kind of magical way. Also praying for their husband to change. That this abusive person can literally change their character from the inside out in a sudden way. I am religious, and I don’t want to say that’s impossible, because I believe with God, all things are possible. But I also believe God has provided us with a way to change in the work, not without it.

Simona: Yes, the Bible. There’s nothing in there where somebody uses their spirituality, their relationship to God, to avoid unresolved issues. Jesus did not preach that. He was good in boundaries.

Give Yourself Some Space For Post Traumatic Growth

Anne: And I also think it’s a direct result of spiritual abuse, the abuser using these spiritual principles to blame the victim. And because they’re weaponizing spiritual principles, it gets confusing about what I believe Jesus actually intended. Which over and over again, he says, separate from wickedness. Give yourself some space. The abuser would like you to stay very close, so he can continue to exploit you.

Simona: And don’t express your anger.

Anne: Right, because it’s hard to exploit someone when they’re angry. You know they’re not going to do what you want if they’re mad at you, exactly. Well, Simona, thank you so much for sharing your thoughts about your study on post traumatic growth today.

Simona: Thank you so much.

Are you wondering if you are a victim of emotional abuse post divorce? Take our free emotional abuse quiz to find out.

“How Can I Do Any Of This When I Don’t Even Know Myself Anymore?”

Most women in the Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Sessions have expressed a loss of identity through their years of experiencing betrayal and abuse. The fear of building a new life without a firm grasp of your own identity is real and understandable. When you’re trying to heal from a divorce you didn’t want. You begin to remember and rebuild your identity when you reconnect with your value system. You can ask yourself questions like:

• What morals, values, and deep truths are most important to me?
• What values have I consistently thought back on, even if I have not been able to live up to them in moments of self-defense or protective action?
• And what values do I find most admirable in other people?

Examining and choosing your value system is a powerful way to ground yourself down in who you are. Divorce is one of the most difficult topics that we discuss in the Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Sessions, but it’s essential that women going through this process have a safe space to process their emotions and thoughts. Attend a Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Session TODAY and discover a community committed to helping you heal from a divorce you didn’t want.