Betrayal Trauma Is Caused By Abuse
Many betrayal victims spend a significant amount of time wondering if they are crazy, controlling, or even abusive, before they learn the truth: they are victims of abuse and suffering from Betrayal Trauma.
Betrayal Trauma is caused by abuse. Pornography use, infidelity (virtual, emotional, and/or physical), masturbation, and any other secret sexual acting-out behavior in a partnership is an abusive act that causes significant Betrayal Trauma.
Other forms of relational abuse will also cause Betrayal Trauma: any time an abusive man treats his partner in a way that significantly betrays her trust, he is causing devastating trauma to her brain and body.
Betrayal Trauma Manifests Itself in Women’s Bodies and Brains
Tragically, women take the brunt of their partners’ abusiveness both in their bodies and brains. Physical, mental, and emotional symptoms can range from mild to severe.
11 Most Common Betrayal Trauma Responses
- Overwhelming emotions
- Unusual/uncharacteristic behaviors
- Sleep difficulties– too much/too little
- ‘Brain fog’– inability to think clearly, memory loss, getting lost easily
- Eating problems– inability to eat/overeating
- Anxiety/panic attacks
- Depression
- Rumination/obsessive thoughts and intrusive images/flashbacks
- Difficulty caring for self or others
- Isolation
- Obsessive need to check the internet history, GPS, email accounts, text message history, etc. for signs that the danger is still present
This is not a comprehensive list. There are many more trauma responses than those listed here.
Betrayal Trauma is a Serious Condition
Often, victims of emotional abuse and Betrayal Trauma are sidelined as their symptoms are minimized by professionals, clergy, and misguided family and friends. Research is now catching up with the truth: Betrayal Trauma is real and it is serious. It can be debilitating.
Common Physical Symptoms of Betrayal Trauma
- Fatigue
- Lack of appetite/Constant hunger
- Difficulty sleeping
- Nightmares
- Nerve pain
- Autoimmune disease-like symptoms
- Panic attacks
- Nausea, Vomiting, Diarrhea
- Tremors, Shaking, Shivering
- Unexplained Fever
- Unexplained joint pain
- Pelvic/sexual pain
- Constant infections
- Migraine and/or tension headaches
- Muscle pain/weakness
Common Emotional and Mental Symptoms of Betrayal Trauma
- Depression
- Anxiety
- Panic/Anxiety attacks
- Suicidal ideation
- Inability to focus
- Hyper-alertness
- Reliving traumatic experiences (flashbacks)
- Terror
- Mood swings
- Rage
- Apathy
- Intense emotional outbursts
“Partners often present with a set of symptoms that match symptoms similar to rape trauma syndrome (RTS) and complex post-traumatic-stress disorder (C-PTSD), including psycho-biological alterations, re-experiencing of the trauma, social and emotional constriction, constant triggering and reactivity, significant anxiety, emotional arousal and hyper-vigilance.
“Sex addiction-induced trauma is a highly specific type of trauma that involves nuanced symptoms that can include fear and panic of potential disease and contamination, fear of child safety and potential of child molestation, social isolation, embarrassment and shame and intense relational rupture and attachment injuries.”
– Dr. Omar Minwalla
Betrayal Trauma Recovery Supports Victims of Abuse
At BTR, we believe that every woman deserves safety, validation, and support as she navigates the difficult journey of healing from Betrayal Trauma. The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Support Group meets daily, in every time zone, and offers community to women all over the world, just like you. Join today.
And remember, you are not alone.
I need your help !!
Go to btr.org/services to join the Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group or schedule a support call.
I need help. Community
Hop on our daily, online support group for victim’s of emotional abuse.
I experienced my first ‘d-day’ over 25 years ago. Another maybe 15 years ago.Wondering if healing can happen after all this time since we are still married? Your podcasts are healing to listen to. Thank you.
Healing is possible. It’s a long road, but there is hope! I’m so glad you’re finding the podcasts to be helpful!
Wow, I can’t even really explain correctly how I feel reading this. It’s like you were there, and know him and I. I’m sad, confused and heartbroken. I need help.
Elizabeth, we recommend that you start by joining Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group for immediate support:).
I think I’m experiencing betrayal trauma but it’s hard because I’m not sure my husband can be labeled as an addict. His porn use over the years has me feeling interchangeable and worthless, and he can’t seem to fully give it up, No matter how bad it hurts me. but he’s very reluctant to say he’s an addict cause his use is so infrequent. But i feel crazy. Scared. Weepy. Disconnected. Desperate. Am i overreacting?
You are not over-reacting. You’re actually a victim of psychological abuse and sexual coercion. Have you considered joining an online support group?
You are absolutely not overreacting and all of your feelings are valid and make perfect sense. Your husband sounds like he is in denial. “Infrequent” use can absolutely still be an addiction- if he can’t control his sexual acting out despite the harm he knows he’s causing. It’s also possible he’s telling you it’s infrequent when it’s more than that (my husbands case anyway). Your post was 5 months ago and I hope you’re finding the help you need. Sexual betrayal is traumatizing no matter if it’s infrequent or frequent. It feels the same. Stay strong and keep listening to your gut. You are not crazy.
I am a man. All of this applies to me. Why is the material addressing only women?
I’m so sorry about the pain you’re going through! We decided to focus our non-profit and site for women only, but you’re welcome to read and listen to the podcast!
Marc, Amen! I’m glad you spoke up. Tho I understand that their audience is women only. I recently spoke with my therapist because I’m concerned about men who are being betrayed and abused by women or being abused in same sexy relationships. What support is out there for men?
I recently brought up this the group that I’m a female, in a same sex relationship, and asked them if they would consider acknowledging that woman are abusers too. They brushed over my question, and suggested that I listen to their podcasts. Yes, the information is helpful, but it’s not just men who are abusive.
How can a woman feel “Safe and Secure” in a Betryal and Trauma recovery group when the group is unwilling to acknowledged that women are experiencing betrayal and abuse by another woman in same sex domestic relationships?
I understand your concern. Women can be abusive. But because abusers accuse their victims of abuse. So hearing someone accuse another woman of abuse is triggery for women. Was this in a professionally facilitated group or the free peer-to-peer facebook group?
I had a very significant dream just months before the 3rd discovery in my 32 years married. My husband, the addict, I discovered in a lie in Aug 2018. He is in weekly 12 step for the last 9 years. In “working” recovery, answering all my questions with lies straight to my face looking me in the eyes over the last 8 years. I’m so broken. Feel free to contact me via email.
I am divorced since last year and I still struggle with my own emotions. It mixes with anger, betrayal, guilt, sadness, and depression. I am taking bupropion daily to control my depression, attending consular session every Thursday, working out almost daily to exhaust myself physically, volunteering as much as I can to occupy my free time, but once I sit in the car driving, my tears just like a water hose open by itself and I can’t stop the crying. My ex cheated on me several time and somehow we worked it out each time and kept our marriage even though I threaten for a divorce. I used to think it is our destiny to stay together and have a child all this time. Until last year, I threaten for a divorce and moved out of the house because my anger and sadness, he DID file the paper after my signature. 2 months after, I realized what I have done and begged him to get back together for our son. He told me in face coldly that he is much happier now and he doesn’t want to go back. I broke completely in my heart and just want to sleep not getting up anymore. The pain is too much for me and I couldn’t take care of my son but hurting him emotionally. I want to move on and find myself again! I want to love my son unconditionally! But this pain and grief inside me are tearing me apart!!
Emma, I’m so sorry. I’m so glad you found us.
I have found this info absolutely amazing with one very strong caveat. My husband is not a sex addict he is a run of the mill alcoholic who has done an extensive amount of damage. Everything here describes far better than anything else what I am going through – far better than alanon or co-dependency so I am wondering why it only applies to a person whose husband is a sex addict and not an addict of any type? It effectively means that this type of help is unavailable to me and yet I need it so desperately….
This applies to anyone in an abusive relationship – which is sounds like you’re experiencing. So yes! We can help:).
I have all the symptoms and I’m falling apart it’s really bad 17 years and I dont feel like it I can heal from it each day its worst still the betrayal and mental abuse I dont know how to leave him and I’m scared to lose hi to someone else. Broke up with me tonight for going to the doctor with out saying anything to him I only felt if I said anything I wouldn’t go and put it off for another day. I’m losing my mind and feel lifeless
Please consider joining our daily, online support group for victims of emotional abuse.
Skygray, I was once there. You are not alone. Please get help in the form of online groups, books, podcasts, websites. BREATHE. And know you are loved. You are in betrayal trauma and you need rescued. You cannot swim to shore alone. You need a life boat. All of the things I listed can be your life boat. I’m so sorry. I know exactly how you feel.
I’ve bought Trust Again and am currently reading it. I would love to join the BTR community, it’s a wonderful idea and I desperately need support.
Our betrayal trauma checklist outlines steps to help you get support:). Hugs!
I found out in January that my husband was using porn again. This time he agreed to get help. Since then, he has a female partner at work that he has deleted text from, she’s texted him on days off from their 24 hour shifts, and he gets angry that he’s trying so hard and that I can’t be more kind. I get enraged. This is not who I am but I am constantly shifting between anger, severe depression, crying, doubt. I am ineffective at living in general. Will we ever get better? I don’t want to always be mean to him.
Instead of worrying about whether or not you are being mean to him, take some time to consider if you are emotionally safe. Usually when victims are emotionally safe, they can begin to relax.