What is a sex addict called? Just ask two wives who share their what label they gave their husband when he confessed his sex addiction. Secret pornography use and other forms of intimate betrayal have been labeled “sex addiction” by therapists and clergy for years. While it is absolutely addictive, calling him an addict doesn’t solve the problem. Kate and Anne Blythe, M.Ed. talk about their husband’s addiction and what they prefer to call it.
Too often, intimate betrayal, including pornography use, is only considered a sexual addiction issue. The problem here is that while these behaviors are addictive, abuse is the real issue.
To discover if you’re emotionally abused, take our free emotional abuse quiz.
But What If He Really Is Addicted?
Some victims think calling their husband a sex addict will motivate him to get help. But treatment usually makes things worse for his wife. The abuser’s victims are largely ignored and/or blamed for the behavior of the addict. By correctly labeling his behaviors as abusive, women can get the help they need to protect themselves from abuse.
Transcript: What Is A Sex Addict Called?
Anne: I have my friend Kate on with me today. We are just hanging out, chatting. About what is a sex addict called? Like what are you going to call your addict husband? If he’s got an addiction, are you going to say sex addict or will you call it something else? We are talking about that. So to put words in Kate’s mouth quickly, we both agree that pornography is addictive. We both agree that its use is abuse.
And then also the behaviors around it, the gaslighting, the lying, the manipulation. All those types of behaviors around it constitute emotional abuse, psychological abuse, and sexual coercion. So we both agree on that point. I prefer to use the word abusive. When we were talking before, Kate said, “No, I actually like the word addiction.” So Kate, can you talk about why you like using the word addiction?
Kate: I actually like both. I know there are some people out there who are like, maybe it’s not an addiction, maybe it’s a compulsion. So we’ll just get rid of the word addiction and call it all abuse. It does fit the definition of addiction. The research on the brain shows it is an addiction. I like to call it addiction simply because if you call it a compulsion, like some people have been doing, well, anything could be compulsive.
Did he eat a cake? Is he compulsive with a cake? Does he bite his nails compulsively? When you say, “Oh, my husband has a compulsive issue.” It just doesn’t hold as much seriousness as addiction does.
The Seriousness Of Addiction
Kate: It’s as if somebody who had cancer, were to say, “I have an illness.” Some people might be like, “Oh, is it a serious illness?” Other people might be like, “Oh, maybe it’s just a common cold.” The word addiction has more seriousness than compulsion. As far as either abuse or addiction, I just use both because they feed off each other so much.
I don’t think you can have sex addiction without some type of abuse. I don’t know about other addictions. I’ve heard from other people who said their husbands were maybe alcoholics, weren’t sex addicts, and weren’t abusive. I even did a poll once. Ninety-nine percent of betrayed wives experienced some type of abuse from their husbands.
Anne: I think the pornography use in and of itself is abuse. It’s abusive for trust, it’s abuse of your marriage contract and vows. To be faithful, for example, and not cheat on me. And I consider pornography use to be cheating, and so therefore it’s an abuse of those vows.
The reason I’ve dropped the word “addiction” is not because I don’t think it’s addictive. I absolutely think it’s addictive. The reason why I prefer to use the word abuse in all contexts is because addiction, to me, says this is what he is experiencing. I’m not so concerned about what he is experiencing. I am more concerned about what the victim is experiencing.
There’s the cause, and then there’s the effect. The effect to her, what she feels, and the way she experiences all his behaviors is always abuse. There’s no other word for it. So that’s why I prefer to say this is abuse, because of its effect on the victim of this scenario.
The Misconception Of Addiction
Anne: Most of the time, I’ve dropped the word addiction completely, and I always call it abuse. I don’t want people to get the wrong impression that I don’t think it’s addictive, because I do. I just think the word abuse really gets to the heart of what the wife is going through, rather than focusing on him and what he’s going through. For me, anytime someone says the word “addiction”, there’s this, oh, poor him, he’s got an addiction.
If someone tells the story, “This guy stole this car, he rammed into this stuff, he went around and he did all these bad things!” People would be horrified. Oh, wow, what a jerk or something. But if you say, “They got addicted to cocaine when they were young. Then they stole a car, they ran over a bunch of people.”
You say the same exact stuff, and they’re like, “He was addicted to cocaine.” I just don’t want there to be any pity for the addict. because they feed off of that and use that to victim blame and groom other people. So I prefer not to use the word addict to help keep victims safe. This is abuse, and I don’t care if you’re an addict or not. Who am I to say how you are experiencing this? What I’m concerned about is how your behaviors affect me.
Kate: Oh, I love that. I love you said that. I use the word addiction mostly when I interact with other women. There are times to use the word addiction, but yes, the main focus is what is happening to you is abuse. It’s not addiction that’s happening to you, it’s abuse.
Seeking Safety Over Marriage
Anne: Yeah, if a woman describes to me what is happening to her. And then she asks, Is my husband a sex addict? I’d be like, I don’t know. whether he’s an addict or not, but what I know is these behaviors you’ve just described are abuse. And we have thousands of women in our community. And my concern is that the words we use determine their next steps. The word addiction is dangerous because the first thing that comes to mind is 12 step recovery program.
She’s always been resisting this type of abuse. And she feels like a recovery program keeping her family together will be the safer route. She is doing what she’s supposed to do. She’s trying to get help. If she hears the word abuse, rather than try and keep her “marriage safe.” She’s going to think I need to be safe. How can I get myself to safety?
Kate: Completely different.
Anne: I would say it’s the victim’s first attempt to get to safety. She is trying to see if he goes to a 12-step program, or if he does this or that, will that make her safer? Meaning, will that change him into a safe person? She hopes through her attempts for safety, he will turn from being an unsafe person to being a safe person.
Technically speaking, if he did that, it would solve her safety problem. The unfortunate thing is, he just starts grooming more or lying more. It actually creates less safety. And she doesn’t know that.
Kate: If you think about it, you can even say, “Yes, your husband is being abusive.”
The Problem With The Addiction Model
Kate: They’re trying to be proactive about their lives, so they’re going to go online, they’re going to search things like, my husband needs help. Where’s the help?” There will be more help in the sex addiction field.
Anne: For their husband?
Kate: Yes.
Anne: Because everyone uses the addiction model. Let’s talk about why it’s scary. How would you describe it?
Kate: I’ll start at the beginning. First off, when people think of addiction, they think, “Oh, he can’t help it.” That is actually not accurate. There were even people back before AA started who believed they couldn’t help it. Yes, they have a brain disease in some aspects. You can verify that with brain scans, but it is a self-inflicted disease.
If a smoker smokes 12 packs a day and got lung cancer, would that smoker be like, “I can’t stop smoking. The cancer is making me do it. I can’t go and get treatment because the cancer is not letting me.” No, everyone would be like, that’s insane. So why is it that we do that when it comes to addiction?
“They can’t because they got a disease. They can’t help it.” So that is like the foundation of many of the whole addiction world; especially sex addiction. No, no, no, they still have agency. They still have choice. It is a self-inflicted disease. Their choices caused it, not the reverse. The sex addiction world hijacks it and makes it even more ridiculous.
Anne: With the sex addiction model, they don’t really know what to do with the victim. They say they use the trauma model, but then they won’t admit where the trauma is coming from. They refuse to say she’s traumatized by abuse.
Victim Desensitization In Therapy
Kate: Yo, it’s awful. It is awful. You say the word abuse in the sex addiction industry, and they’re like, [gasp!] “How dare you say that! You’re shaming the addict!” What? I’m literally stating a behavior they’re doing. You guys are making it worse. The whole industry is addict-centric.
Anne: Yes, it is not victim-centric.
Kate: It is not at all. Even if somebody says they’re a betrayal trauma therapist, if they’re coming from the sex addiction industry, it means they’re still in the addiction industry, still addict-centric. It’s like, “We’re going to help you handle your trauma so you can help your husband… or so you’re not shaming your husband… or so you’re not triggering your husband so he can get into recovery.” That’s not what it should be at all.
Anne: Or, so your husband’s abusive behaviors aren’t triggery to you. That’s the thing I see the most. For example, the husband is still abusive, and the sex addiction professional. Not somebody at our organization, Betrayal Trauma Recovery, but a so-called “betrayal trauma expert” will be like, “You’re just still being traumatized from the past when he used to use pornography. Now he’s not using it anymore, so I don’t know why when he says these things to you, it’s upsetting.
You’re just being triggered, so let’s work on your triggers.” They’re not recognizing he’s gaslighting her, he’s manipulating her, still emotionally and psychologically abusing her. And she’s still a victim of sexual coercion. You should not help a victim become desensitized to abuse. It feels like that is what the sex addiction industry is trying to do in their treatment of victims. desensitize you to this abuse.
The Danger Of Mislabeling Abuse
Anne: “Let’s help you be tolerant of the abuse, because otherwise your marriage will fall apart. You want to keep your marriage, right?” Instead of saying, “You’re a victim of abuse. He is an abuser.” The worst case scenario is happening right now. The worst case scenario isn’t divorce, let’s get you to safety. They refuse to go there.
Kate: They refuse. I can’t even count how many friends I’ve had who have gone to very popular, and you know who I’m talking about. Very popular betrayal trauma companies, whatever organizations, and they’ve had therapists.
Anne: That aren’t us. Let’s say that.
Kate: She had just spent long months trying to convince her husband it’s abuse, and he finally believes it. Then you have a therapist saying, in front of the husband, “Your husband’s not abusing you. No, what your husband did to you is not abuse.”
What’s going to happen? I guarantee the husband will be more abusive. He’s going to be more entitled. He’d be like, “Oh, I’m not abusive. A therapist said so!” It is so dangerous and so damaging to do that.
Anne: Two of the things the pornography addiction recovery world asks of a spouse of an addict. Or a victim of abuse would be number one, to not shame him, and number two, connect with him. I think it’s all they’ve got. They can’t think of anything else to say.
Shame & Its Misinterpretation
Anne: They have to pretend like it’s not that big of a deal, so that she’ll stay. Because they’re worried about her leaving. They don’t want his support system leaving him, because it could be bad for him. But they never stopped to think, is it good for her? In the pornography addiction recovery world, the main concern of these professionals is him. Their main concern is not her. At Betrayal Trauma Recovery, our main concern is her. Is she safe? Is she okay? Does she have her needs met?
Kate and I, again, I’ll put words in your mouth here, but we don’t actually think that shame is even a thing. Everybody feels shame. Some people feel shame, and they eat ice cream. And some people feel shame, and they go for a run. Some people feel shame, and they start crying. Shame is not the cause of someone looking at pornography.
Kate: It does not. It does not cause it. You have men who feel no shame for watching it. They did not grow up in religious culture. They did not grow up with any outside source saying it is bad. And yet they’re still having issues with it.
Anne: Exactly, they don’t feel shame, but they use shame to activate your shame to make you feel bad or guilty to manipulate you. The problem isn’t their overwhelming shame, it’s their lack of shame. Of course, to other people, they have to act like they have shame; otherwise, they would seem like monsters. There are also men who don’t look at pornography when they feel shame.
Healthy Shame
Anne: Shame is a normal human emotion that should not be avoided at all costs or that we should be striving to reduce. It’s something that happens that we need to be healthy about. A healthy person deals with their shame in healthy ways. An unhealthy person deals with their shame in unhealthy ways, but it’s not the cause of anybody’s behavior.
Yes, I understand where people have become more obsessed about the whole shame thing. If you talk about the actual dictionary definition of shame, it is not always bad. Brene Brown’s definition, shame is not good. But it can be healthy.
Anne: To put this in perspective, Brene Brown is trying to help people deal with their own shame. She’s not trying to help people deal with other people’s shame. But some people are actually bad people.
Kate: Yes.
Anne: If somebody skis every Saturday, they’re a skier. If someone plays tennis twice a week, they are a tennis player. If someone runs track and does baseball and all kinds of things, they’re an athlete. You are what you choose to do. So if someone is continually lying, they’re a liar. If someone continually uses pornography, they’re a pornography user. The Bible and whatever scriptures you use have a word for this. It is called wicked.
There is nowhere in the scriptures I have ever seen that says, “He was wicked because he felt shame. Then this wicked person stopped being wicked because they said, “You’re not a bad person; you’re not a wicked person, just these things you’re doing are wicked.” No, in the scriptures, it actually says they are a wicked person.
Scriptural Perspective On Wickedness
Anne: They are wicked because they choose evil things over and over again. Part of the accountability, honesty and authenticity is for these men to actually recognize I technically really am a bad person.
Kate: “You can’t say someone’s a bad person! That’s not who they are!”
Anne: Your behavior defines who you are.
Kate: So you’re saying Alfred Kinsey is not a bad person? I’m pretty sure we can call him a bad person. I can call him a bad, disgusting person because he was. It doesn’t mean they were always bad, and that doesn’t mean they can’t change. But right now, yeah, what they did, they are a bad person. Like we can’t call them bad, it actually makes it worse and fuels the problem.
Anne: Listen to the scripture: “I say unto you, nay, except you make our creator a liar from the beginning, or suppose he is a liar from the beginning. You cannot suppose such can have a place in the kingdom of heaven, but they shall be cast out for they are children of the kingdom of the devil.” There are other scriptures that say he is a child of hell. That probably wouldn’t be the wisest thing to say, but technically speaking, their choices have created a wicked character.
They literally are a wicked person. It never says anywhere in the scriptures, “They were wicked so we did not shame them. We told them, no, you’re not wicked you’re not bad, You’re good. And then they stopped being wicked.”
Then the advice, our loving Heavenly Father cast them out. In the scriptures, you will find it. It is all over the place.
Adults vs. Children In Accountability
Kate: I will add, just in case, because I’m guessing some people might listen to this and be like, “Wait a minute, but I grew up thinking I was a bad kid and it didn’t help me.” We’re not talking about children. We are talking about grown men, grown people who know better.
Anne: We’re talking about people who genuinely are making very sad decisions and hurting people. Children are just trying to figure stuff out. Children aren’t wicked.
Kate: Children are not bad. Whereas, an adult with a developed brain who knows better, he’s choosing to. You can always tell when they know better, because do they do this in front of their boss? Friends? Do they mistreat you like this in front of somebody else? If the answer is no, he knows what he’s doing. Unless he has some anger issue where he’s angry, literally to everyone, then maybe he really does legit have some disorder.
I would also say it’s not because of his childhood either. I used to even believe this, but the research actually does not show that. The research shows that when someone’s abusive, it’s because of entitlements, misogyny, that there are choices, not because of their childhood.
Anne: We all know people who have had a hard childhood, who are healthy adults. The response is, “I know someone who went through a similar experience to yours, and they’re not abusive to their wife.”
Kate: Exactly, thankfully, the anti-abuse industry is starting to recognize this. They’re starting to teach us that. He’s not an addict, because he drank too much, or because he had childhood trauma; that’s not why he’s abusive. It is because of entitlements and misogyny.
If He’s Lying To You, It Hurts You
Anne: Yeah. Well, no matter what you call it. Those behaviors are abusive to you. And so that’s why I like calling it abuse. Listeners, what do you think? Comment on this podcast transcript below. Let me know what you think.
Kate. You’re awesome. Thanks for hanging out today.
This is the best article that defines what is a sex addict. The sex addiction recovery industrial complex doesn’t recognize that this is just plain old abuse. For decades, sex addiction experts enabled my husband’s abuse.
My estranged husband led a double life that I found out about when he almost died, he confessed on what he thought was his “death bed”. We’d been together 30 years by then.
On the domestic abuse wheel, male privileges are a form of domestic violence. It’s so true that using exploitative material, having sex outside of marriage and affairs is SEXUAL ABUSE!
Once I knew the narcissistic abuser’s secrets, more and more abuse started, violence, emotional, psychological, spiritual, financial and more sexual abuse. He also disappeared three times in less than two years after I knew. I had no idea about narcissistic abuse and the manufactured relational tether. I’ve been free for 24 months.
He was so good at smooth talking, convinced me early on in the relationship that we’d be married and have children.
Immediately after becoming pregnant, his sneaky behaviors started unveiling. I started finding websites, ex girlfriends, classmates from school, coworkers, random women, etc. I would have heart felt lengthy discussions with him each time about how important honesty and loyalty is to me, he reassured me every time how important I was to him. The more I found, the more he restricted my access, and I kept wanting reassurance from him that I was enough and he was true to me, even though his actions proved otherwise.
Again and again he’d “slip” and I would find out the truth about his dirty secrets. He’d blame me for being “overbearing” “needy” “pregnant and gross”. My pregnancy was one of the worst experiences of my life, I didn’t want kids before being with him and I was afraid of not being a “good enough” mom, not to mention all these added insecurities from his abuse. I didn’t feel beautiful for even a second during my pregnancy because I allowed him to make me feel worthless.
I gave birth to our son, unexpectedly I found myself to be so happy with my baby. I began realizing then that I deserved better and so did our child, only then I began trying harder to feel good about myself, and I could see his resentment in me. This is when the verbal abuse started, he would start calling me names, mocking me, belittling me, blaming me, and stonewalling me. I felt trapped, having a child together, living together in a different state that I hated, financial ties, and a lack of morally sound family members to help me.
It didn’t take long for him to beat me down emotionally worse than ever before, the gaslighting, lying, manipulation, etc., was so bad! I was in so much pain, and the counselor we went to never really addressed the real issues. I remember how much it hurt emotionally but I felt like I deserved it.
We moved back to my home state, believing this was a new beginning for us. Although he seemed so supportive at times of the idea of moving back, he quickly resented me for it and blamed me for anything and everything he could.
I was the only one working after moving, as he stayed home and did disgusting stuff. I would come home knowing what he was doing and feeling completely helpless, in pain and frustrated, yet he would verbally abuse me for trying to express my feelings. I begged him to stop, but the usual lying, denying, blaming, mocking, etc., would occur.
I always held hope he would make the changes necessary for our family’s safety and security, but when I started standing up for myself and not backing down his behavior only got worse. I confronted him, hoping he’d admit the truth, and come to a realization about how bad it was then finally make the changes necessary, but this was obviously a false hope.
Eventually he’d break down and threaten his own life, I told him he needed help and that I wasn’t going to stay with someone so mentally ill that clings to this filthy behavior, not to mention our son was growing older and I didn’t want that for him or us anymore.
I had no idea sexual addiction was even a thing back then. I just thought it was all a choice, like he was just choosing to be a disgusting, lying, manipulative partner. I didn’t even know people could get addicted to that kind of thing or how deep it could go. Looking back, I can see now that he had every sign of it, but I didn’t have the tools or knowledge to understand. Even if I had known, the way he refused to take real accountability or seek actual help makes me think he still wouldn’t have changed.
I asked him to voluntarily get help, surprisingly he did . . . sort of. Out of desperation, he checked himself into a mental facility, but never spoke a word of the truth to them. He never admitted to the disgusting things, the abuse, or anything. He told them he was just depressed. That was his chance at help, but chose not to utilize it to the fullest extent. He lied, and manipulated me into believing and thinking he was a new man, that he totally changed and adapted these new behaviors.
The manipulation was so bad, he convinced me that I was always the issue, and that he needed to implement changes so HE would feel safe around me. Putting locks on his devices, secretly going to places with internet, and abusing me emotionally and mentally worse than ever before. I continued finding evidence, and confronting and lies and more lies would be told. I was beaten down to absolutely nothing, believing my life was worthless and meaningless.
He still blames me for all of it. He never took true accountability. I’ve come to accept the fact that he is a narcissist and can’t see any fault in himself.
But I also have come to know I will NOT accept those behaviors ever again! I have enough strength now to decide my future.
I’m so glad you’re getting stronger. Welcome.
Hi Anne,
I love the content of this episode, however it was somewhat upsetting that you invited an expert onto this episode but wouldn’t let her speak. I love your message and your knowledge but I also enjoy other people’s perspectives and viewpoints and look forward to not only your story but your guests as well. Just a little bit constructive criticism from a loving place.
Thanks, Sherry. Kate is actually a good friend, and when we recorded, it was “just a conversation” to us, so it was like you were listening to two friends talk which may have seemed strange. But I do talk a lot! I appreciate your feedback.
Thank you for your sharing. I am worried that I lack creative ideas. It is your article that makes me full of hope. Thank you. But, I have a question, can you help me?