The nature of psychological and emotional abuse leaves many victims unsure if they are even experiencing abuse. Many ask, “How do I know if it’s abuse?” Here’s what you need to know.
Even when victims experience marital rape, gaslighting, coercion, and physical abuse, they still ask the question, “How do I know if it’s abuse?”
To discover if you’re emotionally abused, take this free emotional abuse quiz.
Lorelai, a member of the Betrayal Trauma Recovery community, joins Anne on the free BTR podcast to share her powerful story of escaping her husband’s sexual abuse, constant manipulation and gaslighting. Through the fog of abuse, she was able to use empowering tools to identify the abuse and set safety boundaries to begin her journey to healing.
How Do I Know If It’s Abuse: It Doesn’t Have To Be Physical Battering To Qualify As Abuse
Often, victims question the reality of their abusive relationship because they haven’t been punched in the face or put in the hospital. Physical battering is absolutely abuse – but it isn’t the only kind of abuse.
Other forms of abuse include:
- Gaslighting
- Manipulation
- Betrayal (including secret pornography use)
- Sexual coercion
- Marital rape
- Covert physical harm
- Threats
- Financial domineering
- Spiritual domineering
How Can I Learn More About Abuse?
Victims become empowered to identify the abuse in their relationships and set safety boundaries as they become educated about abuse. Some of the most helpful resources we recommend include:
- Anne Blythe’s book Trauma Mama Husband Drama
- Listen to The FREE Betrayal Trauma Recovery Podcast
Visit our books page for a list of curated books that we recommend to victims.
How Do I Know If It’s Abuse: If You’re Here, Trust Yourself
Victims of psychological abuse often experience so much gaslighting, that discerning reality can feel nearly impossible. If you are here, we encourage you to trust yourself. Seek support, empowerment, and education, but trust your instincts. If you feel abused, you probably are. Take appropriate steps to protect yourself, and set safety boundaries to separate yourself from abusive behavior.
Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group is here for you as you begin your healing journey. Join today.
Transcript: How Do I Know If It’s Abuse?
Anne: Lorelai, a member of the Betrayal Trauma Recovery community, is on today’s episode. Welcome Lorelai.
Lorelai: Thank you for having me.
Anne: We’re so glad you’re here and grateful that you’re willing to share. Let’s start at the beginning. Did you recognize your husband’s behavior as abusive at first?
Lorelai: No, absolutely not. I had been in a previously abusive relationship, and that one was obvious. And then I met my husband, and he seemed like a gift from God. We’ve been for 17 years now. I did not realize it was abusive until a couple of years ago. And honestly, I didn’t realize the extent or scope of it. There was a lot of confusion. My husband is very subtle about it. It was really hard for me to catch.
I started following Betrayal Trauma Recovery regularly and like, overnight I was like, Oh, that explains everything.
Anne: When I was first married, I had a friend in a really abusive relationship. When I say really abusive, I would say mine was really abusive. I just didn’t know it, I didn’t understand psychological abuse and emotional abuse. Hers was physical. It was obvious. He was throwing things around. When I would tell her what was going on. She’d be like, Oh no, mine was way worse than that. Yours is a good guy.
What I went through was confusing because of all the psychological abuse. What did you attribute it to in the beginning, anger issues? What did you think was going on when you didn’t understand it was abuse?
Attributing Behavior To Circumstances
Lorelai: A good family raised my husband. He’s the youngest of five. He has strong family connections, but his family was a little weird. He got a lot of passes on many things, being the youngest of five. I attributed it to his family’s ongoing issues. And I attributed it to the blending of two families, because I have kids from my first relationship. People say marriage is hard work. I attributed it to the stress of working two jobs and being a police officer, and thought it was all circumstantial, like oh, he’s in a bad mood or he’s tired.
I didn’t think it was calculated and deliberate until Betrayal Trauma Recovery. Then I pinpointed exactly where it was calculated and deliberate. It shocked me. I was shocked at how calculated and deliberate it was.
Anne: It is shocking. Your whole paradigm of how you see your husband crumbles when you realize, wait a minute. I’ve been seeing him as a good guy who gets frustrated every once in a while. I realized he’s an abusive man. The mask comes off.
Lorelai: Yeah, for my husband, he puts out this persona of this great family guy. But when I looked closely, what I could see was him controlling every aspect of me. So how do I know if it’s abuse? It had nothing to do with the kids, his family, or my family. He was putting one image on everything, but I could pinpoint all our fights down to his inability to control me.
I’m a little bit of a fighter. I’m not just going to take it. So I was good at calling him on his crap. I was good at protecting my kids and trying to keep the peace.
Assertive Communication Myth
Lorelai: The harder I fought for what I knew was right, because I knew it was right. The more kickback I got, but only after Betrayal Trauma Recovery did I see that he was trying to control me the whole time. So that was eye-opening.
Anne: I am a fighter too. And I want to educate women about the myth of assertive communication. Because many women say to me, had I fought and had I called him out, maybe he wouldn’t have been that way. This is a big step in recovering from betrayal trauma. Your experience and my experience are no, we fought him every step of the way. And we still got abused and manipulated.
Lorelai: Absolutely, absolutely.
Anne: Were you aware of any exploitative materials use or any infidelity in your relationship?
Lorelai: My husband is a very private person. Being a police officer, he has his own computer and his phone is on lockdown. He actually works in a different state from where I live, because our youngest child has a significant disability. So he goes to school in a different area than where my husband works. And he’s been kind of bouncing back and forth between the two states. So we only saw him once or twice a week, really for the last five or six years.
So there wouldn’t have been any way for me to know, but he confessed to me at some point. And now looking back, I realized it was a manipulation. So it may or may not be true.
Identifying Abuse: Infidelity & Wifely Duties
Lorelai: But he told me that he had been emotionally involved with several, multiple, like more than five women at work. He said he just got caught up emotionally with them. He said nothing physical happened, but that he had spent a lot of time talking to them and sharing with them. He’d be like, I may have inadvertently not filled you in on things, because by the time I realized you didn’t know about it, it was way too late to fill you in.
Anne: The abusive behaviors you knew about were lying, manipulation, and gaslighting.
Lorelai: Everything physical and psychological, when you’re young and get married, you always want to have sex. Sometimes you give in when your husband wants to do it a second time. When I was younger, I didn’t think about it. I didn’t think about abuse, or how do I know how to identify abuse?
But looking back, I had it multiple times a day, it was too much. I was sore all the time. After we had our fourth child, I only got two weeks recovery before he expected me to return to fulfilling my duties.
Anne: “Fulfilling your duties,” Was that kind of a theme in your marriage? That it was owed to him, that it was one of your wifely duties?
Lorelai: Yes, it was owed to him. Although, he sugar coated it by making sure it was always good for me. And being really frank here, I love it. So it was easy for me to go along with it.
Marital Abuse & Disabled Child
Lorelai: When he put the effort in, I could have as many orgasms as I wanted, as long as I put out for him. So I didn’t realize at first that I couldn’t say no. I didn’t realize I couldn’t say no until, again, having our fifth child. He’s seriously disabled, and trying to say no, and then finding out that that wasn’t an option. He is my last child. His official diagnosis is autistic. He’s almost 13 now, and he is a big toddler. He’s potty trained, but his interests are on the level of a 2-3 year old.
He can kind of write his name, he’s a happy kid, but he’s a lot of work. He’s a sweetie, but he’s a big baby, and he has a strict bedtime. As my child’s disability became more apparent, I needed more. My husband was not willing to give it, I started being tired, depressed, or frustrated. As things progressed, I needed to talk more. So I would need to talk or relax before it, and that wasn’t an option.
And if I couldn’t talk or relax, and I wasn’t in the mood, there was a point where he could do stuff to me in the middle of the night. My body would respond, and it wasn’t a problem. Does that make sense? When the relationship was less damaging, my body would respond. I still wasn’t thinking about abuse, or wondering if I was being abused.
Anne: So what you’re saying is Even though it wasn’t necessarily consensual, you were like, okay, in the middle of the night, even though you didn’t say, yes, I want to have it. It was enjoyable for you. It was fine.
Boundaries & Night Incidents
Anne: Later, when you became tired and life got difficult. When he would start in the middle of the night without your consent, you were like, wait a minute.
Lorelai: Yeah, I feel like I was doing it out of obligation. Fine, get it over with, guys have needs, whatever. Which is obviously not a healthy mindset, but that’s where it was. To the point, where I suddenly started having issues with orgasms. At some point in there, he developed erectile dysfunction. Looking back on it, may have been a gift from God.
Anne: Mm hmm, pornography related, by the way.
Lorelai: Yes, when he couldn’t perform, it became like a mission for him to force me to perform. The answer would be no. He’d push it until I gave in, or until I said no, then he’d do it in the middle of the night anyway.
Eventually, it reached a point where, not only could I not have an orgasm, but also, if I did, it was painful. It was like being stabbed in the crotch with hot forks. And he would do it anyway. He would wake me up and I would be crying in the middle of the night, sobbing, because it was painful and horrible.
And he would be like, this is so horrible for me. And I would be like, then stop doing it because it’s horrible for me. You’re doing it to me. I didn’t ask for this. I didn’t want this. I didn’t know that this what marital coercion was. That was when I answered, how do I know if it’s abuse? I realized there was abuse going on.
How Do I Know If It’s Abuse: Carrying The Whole Weight Of The Household
Lorelai: But like I said, I didn’t catch on to the emotional stuff until last summer.
Anne: So before you recognize the abuse, the anger, manipulation, lies, gaslighting, did you do anything to try and solve the problem. In other words, the typical marriage advice. Like, communicate better, be sexy, or go on a date night. Did you try any of that to “make sure” he didn’t get angry, or was in a good mood?
Lorelai: Oh yeah, absolutely, I carried the whole weight of the household. I did all the bills, cooking, cleaning, and took care of the kids. He did nothing. He literally came home from work, sat on the couch and played on his phone. Or just watched TV, or walked his property, you know, king of the castle. He was king of the castle. He did nothing. I planned all the dates. I planned all the trips.
And then there became a point where he would sabotage all those things, and I could see him doing it. I just didn’t know why he was doing it. So I would plan things, and he would be so on board. And then we’d go and do it, and he’d be mean to the kids, super grumpy, it was ridiculous. I got to a point where I was like, fine, you plan date nights, and he didn’t. The relationship really tanked when I stopped doing all the work.
Anne: Is that also when the sexual abuse started to get worse?
Lorelai: Probably, my memory is not good. I’m good at blocking stuff out. And just forgetting all the things that I don’t want to think about. But I’m sure it probably did line up like that.
Setting A Boundary & Him Crossing It
Anne: Yeah. We all struggle with memory issues, so no worries there. We get it. You don’t recognize you’re being emotionally and psychologically abused here, but when you knew it was abuse. What did you start to do?
Lorelai: I stopped discussing it with him, because there were always discussions about it before that. And what was going to make it good for everybody. At that point, I was like no, this isn’t a discussion because it’s not good for me. You’re forcing it on me, and you need to stop doing what you’re doing. Don’t touch me, don’t force me, and don’t do stuff to me in the middle of the night. Don’t even kiss me unless you’ve checked with me first.
I set a hard, no physical contact boundary until I say so. And he just stopped, except for in the middle of the night. Again, stuff was happening in the middle of the night. I’m exhausted and was sleeping deep. There was no waking me up. I would wake up in the morning, or I’d have nightmares. I knew something happened, but I wouldn’t have been able to wake up for it.
So, during the day, he was farther away physically, and at night, the incidents were still happening. That was a really clear message to me that he didn’t care about my boundaries.
Anne: Did you ever feel like he didn’t care about you?
Lorelai: Oh yeah, I felt that way all the time, but I kept trying to tell myself that wasn’t true.
Seeking Help From Clergy
Lorelai: You don’t marry somebody in the temple and have kids with them, and buy them a house and a car. And see, I’m a woman, so common sense dictates that you don’t treat people like that unless you love them. So, it never occurred to me to doubt his love for me. But his kind of love is not the kind of love I want anyway.
About two years ago, it had gotten to the point where I was suicidal. I have a handicapped child and four other wonderful children, and a great supportive family. And I was suicidal, and I could not figure out what it was. I talked to my Bishop and said, look, like I’m unhappy in my marriage. My husband treats me like garbage. I’m not happy about what’s going on. Now, let me be clear. I’ve talked to several bishops about this, and nobody did anything.
One of my bishops was going to tank Jason’s career over it. He was convinced not to, because that was not in the best interest of anybody at that point. And so he backed off and left it alone. And after that point, I didn’t feel comfortable seeing him, because I knew he felt strongly about it. He was a great guy, and had eight girls, okay? He had a lot of kids, and they were all girls.
So he was one of those guys looking out for his women, and he was protective. I didn’t want to talk to him about it anymore. because I was concerned he would talk to Jason and that Jason would make my life worse.
Identifying abuse: Bishops’ Reactions
Anne: All right, many women come on this podcast, and I talk to a lot of women. They are concerned their clergy isn’t doing enough. They’re concerned they’re not taking it seriously, and that they’re not holding them accountable. Now we know every woman’s situation is different. So in this case, in your particular instance, your concern with this bishop wasn’t that he was not doing enough. It was that he was doing so much that you were worried about his job?
Lorelai: Yes, Jason is a police officer, but it’s like the military. There’s a rank, there’s a chain of command to go up. My bishop at that time was in the military, so he understood that chain of command and was willing to take steps. But it was not a good idea at that time, financially and socially for my kids. It would have broken our family apart, and I was just not in any kind of healthy place at that point to go through that.
Anne: I want to just pause here to note. All the things that victims go through, because people are always like, why don’t women report sexual abuse? Talking to Lorelai, a super smart, capable, aware person in an abusive relationship who gets help from someone. Then faces all these other consequences that people don’t consider. And that is one of the reasons why women don’t report.
And that’s also one of the reasons why sometimes they say, no, don’t help. It’s important to understand all the different aspects when they’re trying to figure out what’s going on. And figuring out how to identify abuse, and then secondly, when they’re trying to get to safety.
Concerned Clergy
Lorelai: Yes, absolutely. Remember, because I told you that I live in a different state than my husband. We were in the state where he worked. I’m in a different state now. But he basically lived with his parents, where he worked when he was working. And when he was not working, he would return to where we are in a different state.
So when that move happened, obviously we had a different bishop than the last one trying to look out for me. And it’s been five years since we’ve been here, and we’ve had two bishops. And the first one, I think, was concerned. My first bishop here was friends with Jason, so it was not going to get addressed.
I could see that he felt bad. He actually cried when I told him what was going on, but he did nothing. By the time I was suicidal, we had a different bishop. And when I talked to him about what was going on with Jason, he’s not a crier. So that didn’t happen. He did not confront Jason either, because I told him not to. But what he did was reinforce to me. He said my dad was abusive to my mom, and nobody should ever have to go through that. He said I’m not gonna tell you what to do.
I’m not gonna tell you to leave him, I’m not gonna tell you to stay with him. What I’m will say is that what is happening to you right now is not okay, it’s abuse. It should not be happening.
Medication & Realization
Lorelai: If you’re suicidal, maybe you want to think about seeing a psychiatrist and getting on some meds. But absolutely, what he’s doing to you is wrong. He was pretty new, so I don’t know that he knew exactly what to do. When he just recommended I go get some medication. But that’s how it started. I started with medication for being suicidal. And while I was on the medication, I realized I could pretty much ignore all the horrible things he did, because I just stopped caring.
I was totally zombied out. They tried me on six different medications in a year. At the end of it, I realized that the health problems I had already developed because of being in this abusive relationship were worse. My health worsened because of the medication I was taking that I didn’t need.
What I needed was to get out of the abusive relationship, stop taking the medication, and deal with the relationship. So what I did was look at your stuff on Facebook. Facebook has that great algorithm. You know, if you’ve looked at this, you might like this. So Facebook knew I was looking for a therapist to deal with some trauma. So I found Betrayal Trauma Recovery. I stopped seeing my one therapist within a few months, and started coaching with Betrayal Trauma Recovery.
There was a particularly bad incident. I don’t even remember what happened, but it was bad. And I didn’t know what to do.
Betrayal Trauma Recovery Helps Identify abuse
Lorelai: I opened Facebook and saw Betrayal Trauma Recovery and the support group. I signed up for the group, and went to my first one. And I was trying to talk to people about what was happening, because I was just sorting it out. I was confused and like, what is going on here? How do I fix this? How do I know if it’s abuse for sure? Like I said, just shock.
Group resonated so drastically in my soul, instantaneously. I thought, I am officially not responsible for this relationship anymore. It was this huge weight off of me, it was like the lightbulb went on, ding! I was overwhelmed. It wasn’t me, it was never me, it was always him. I could trace it all the way back through now 18 years. I could see every incident. Everything just resonated. It was like, this is not your fault. The problem is not you. The problem is with his behavior.
Lorelai: And at that point, I was like, yep, and within about three months, we were separated.
Anne: This is why abuse education is so important. Abuse education doesn’t create abuse. The abuse exists. And we help women recognize it. It’s not the women who come to Betrayal Trauma Recovery, whose husbands are these incredible healthy men. And then after they get educated about abuse, they’re like, oh, my word, he’s abusive. That doesn’t happen. If he’s healthy, and women listen to the podcast and get educated about abuse. They are like, oh, I don’t relate to that.
So for women listening and wondering I’m not sure. That makes me nervous. I don’t want to go to this group, and they’re going to make a mountain of a mole hill.
Knowing Whether Or Not He’s Abusive
Anne: I want to put everybody at ease. Many women have listened to the podcast or they’ve attended a group session. And they’re like, I didn’t relate. Also, The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Living Free Workshop helps women figure out what is my husband’s true character. Many women have enrolled, and they’re like, holy cow, this explains everything. Then other women have been like, this definitely explains abuse, and now I know he’s not abusive.
Your abusive husband will tell you that Betrayal Trauma Recovery was the cause of you thinking he’s abusive when he’s not. And that’s just not true. You will know once you get educated about abuse, whether he’s abusive, and then you can make decisions.
Lorelai: Oh, absolutely.
Anne: Can you talk about maybe your fear at first?
Lorelai: I didn’t have that. I read all the relationship books. My husband was sneaky. It was just little things. Nobody noticed them. I didn’t even notice them. He would just blink, and then I would blow up, and I would be the crazy one. I’m the redhead, the one who’s losing it all the time over dumb stuff. I’m the one who’s just stressed and overwhelmed from taking care of the baby. Never mind the fact that he never bothered to help take care of the baby. It was always me.
He had made it clear from the beginning that he was putting up with me, and I believed him. That’s my issue. I don’t know why I believed him for 17 years. That’s something I’m working through now. It’s helping me.
Separation & Moving On
Lorelai: And honestly, it’s helping my girls, because guess what? I have two girls. Who are 21 and 23 respectively, who are struggling with relationships. These guys are not up to par, and they don’t know why this stuff is happening. So my girls and I are doing the work together. It took a little bit to separate. He did not want to separate. It’s funny, because the whole time he tells me that maybe he needs to find somebody else because I’m so worthless.
Then when I say, great, let’s move on, he’s like, no, no, I don’t want to move on. Because he doesn’t get to control me if I move on. So it took a little bit of doing to get him out. Obviously, I can’t just pick up my handicapped kid out of his special school and relocate anywhere. I had to convince my husband, who was pretty much living in another state anyway, except for one or two days a week, to just stay, and to let his child be here.
So it took a little bit of doing to get that done. He pretty much cut off support the minute that he realized it was over.
Anne: That’s very, very typical of an abuser, because they don’t care about your welfare or the kid’s welfare. Because no one who actually cared about you would think, like, how’s she going to pay for groceries? Like, how are my kids gonna eat? But it’s a control tactic to cut off the finances. Because if they cut off the finances, they think you’re going to come crawling back because you’re desperate for groceries. So it’s a control tactic.
How Do I Know If It’s Abuse: Financial Abuse
Lorelai: Yeah, you know what’s funny? Thinking back, my husband has used every abuse tactic in the book, but he didn’t use them at the same time. Because I fought it and adapted. So when one abuse tactic stopped working, he switched to a different one. And his biggest abuse tactic was the financial abuse. So for the last three or four years, I haven’t had any credit cards of my own. He’s in charge of the money. And I just thought he was finally being responsible.
I thought he was finally interested in the budget, but he was systematically cutting me off of everything. In the middle of us separating, he refinanced the house and took my name off the mortgage. Which I guess was supposed to hurt me, but actually it’s gonna hurt him because I’m still on the deed. Every time I established a boundary, he would adapt his abuse. It wasn’t gonna end.
Anne: Instead of recognizing that you’re equal and on the same team. Abusive men feel like they don’t have any power. They don’t have any personal power unless they have power over someone. One of the ways they keep an imbalance of power is by withholding information so that they know more than you. So if you find out what they know, suddenly you’re equal. So then they’re like, Oh shoot, I’ve got to find another way to maintain this power imbalance.
Because that is what abuse is, in a nutshell: they don’t feel like they have any power in their own life unless they have power over you. So how do I know if it’s abuse? If he has to maintain power over you.
Healthy Relationships
Anne: Whereas in a healthy relationship, two people find power from honesty and equality. The power is the personal power that you have when you’re honest, kind and integrity. That is a power that I don’t think these abusive men understand.
Lorelai: Yeah, I’ve devoted my whole life to my kids. I have five kids, and we’re all close. Looking back, I’ve seen where he wasn’t happy about that. He wasn’t happy my kids and I were close, or when he would end up on the outside. Just because he never bothered to spend time with anybody, get to know anybody, or be involved in anybody’s lives. He hated that.
And so looking back, I realized that many of the problems I had with my kids, a lot of just normal parenting stuff, you know, fights and who’s in charge of this. He started because he didn’t want me and my children to have a good relationship. I have only seen our relationship get stronger as I’ve moved on. My kids and I are closer than ever.
I was just thinking about this this morning, it kind of made me cry a little bit. I have five children, and three are from a different dad, but my kids don’t talk about being half siblings. It’s just brothers and sisters, they’re all super close. And they’re all super caring and loving towards each other, and there’s no distinction for us. He didn’t understand that, and he’s missing out.
Anne: Yeah, so he cut you off financially. Did you have to file stuff in court in order to help your finances?
Lorelai: Yes, we had to expedite things when he cut everybody off. My mom died unexpectedly from cancer and we moved here to help my dad put the pieces back together.
Support From Family
Lorelai: And then we ended up staying, because the schools here were fantastic. And my little guy needed a good school. So we decided it was in his best interest. And my husband had no problem living halfsies, one in each state. Because it was for the greater good of our youngest child. So my dad has been supportive. As soon as my mom died, he basically was like, can I just live with you? He has a room at my house, and he has moved in full time.
Since Jason and I separated, my dad has been great about making sure everything’s covered for me. It’s hard for him to see what’s going on.
Anne: Has he been surprised at how abusive Jason is?
Lorelai: Yes, he has. I don’t know if he would have believed it if he hadn’t seen it with his own eyes. I’m the oldest of five. One of my brothers has died, but I still have other siblings, and I’m pretty close with everybody. I think everybody was surprised. You never know what goes on in people’s lives. It’s so important not to make judgment calls or anything based on what you can see on the outside. But yeah, so my dad has been really, really, really great.
He’s helped me start a business. I’m doing a notary business now, and I work another job. I can work from home, all gifts from God, because it’s hard to get out with my little guy.
Anne: One of the things I noticed once I stopped managing his life. Number one was he didn’t do anything, nothing to try and get back in my home. But I also noticed how peaceful I felt. I noticed how much better my life was going.
How Do I Know If It’s Abuse: Emotional Growth & Recovery
Anne: Even though I was in like limbo in terms of how anything was going to go, I was feeling a lot better. Tell me where you are in that process and how you’re feeling right now.
Lorelai: I’m feeling good. It was hard, right after it happened. It was bleak in the winter. But I did a lot of coaching with Betrayal Trauma Recovery during that time. That was helpful. My health improved, I don’t have night terrors anymore, I’m not as afraid all the time. Then I crunched hard on my business, because I needed something to keep me going.
While I felt safer at home, checking my email was always traumatic. I got a pain in my chest when I checked my email and saw an email from him, because I knew it wasn’t going to be anything good. So now we have the Our Family Wizard app.
Anne: Yeah, using the strategies you learned from The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Living Free Workshop improves things significantly. Women say they start feeling better because they’re not as traumatized by their phone, especially when they implement the strategies on Our Family Wizard.
Lorelai: Yeah, getting accurate documentation of all the abuse. Because we still own this house together, and my oldest son is also autistic, he was the main guy on my son’s SSI account. There were things we needed to discuss from time to time. Much of it has been learning how to remind myself that whatever he has to say does not reflect on me, it only reflects on him.
There’s been a lot of growth this year. My friends and my family have all commented that I seem so much happier. I’m doing so much better.
Challenges Of Education & Work
Lorelai: And I’m sure I will only continue to get better from here. It was scary, because I only have a little college. Every time I tried to work a job or go back to school, he didn’t like that. He would create problems. He would punish me when I tried to go to school or work. Or he would disappear and dump everything off on me and the kids.
And my poor kids, it would be a choice between taking care of my kids and going to school. When a 14 year old is handling everything because my husband doesn’t come home for a month. So having no education and financial prospects was scary. But it was scarier to stay in the relationship. And that’s what it came down to.
Anne: So if you could go back in time and talk to your younger self, what would you tell yourself?
Lorelai: I would be telling myself that I was worthy of love. I have learned that your feelings really are your biggest indicator of emotional safety.
And what I would tell my younger self is not to ignore those feelings, because they are crucial. When you get a funny feeling about somebody, that is legitimate. That is your cue. God has given you the feelings to tell you about things that you can’t know. Like there are so many things that you don’t know about people. And there’s no way to know sometimes, and feelings are how you know. So no that you know it’s abuse, how are you feeling?
Importance Of Feelings
Lorelai: So real love is a feeling that you can identify, and fear is a feeling you can identify. And uneasiness is a feeling that you can identify. I would go back and talk about how feelings are important, and how we are all valuable and lovable. I believe that for me personally, I wouldn’t have been so willing to swallow his nonsense about how it was me. If I had known how important it was to trust my own feelings. I didn’t trust myself. I didn’t know that I could trust myself.
Anne: And we’ve all been there. We’ve all been there, where the things we’ve learned now have opened our eyes. I’m so grateful that you found Betrayal Trauma Recovery. And found a place where you could get the words for what was happening to you and feel validated.
Lorelai: Yes, it was definitely put in my path. At the appropriate time, exactly when I was ready.
Anne: Sometimes I worry that women find Betrayal Trauma Recovery, and they’re not ready to go there. And they think, no, my husband’s not abusive. This is just a pornography issue. Or this is just infidelity. Those Betrayal Trauma Recovery people, they’re a little too intense. What would you say to them?
Lorelai: That’s exactly where I started. I found it. It didn’t feel like my problem exactly until I realized they all felt the same way I did. And maybe the problem was bigger than I thought, and Betrayal Trauma Recovery covers more than just the exploitative material and cheating issue. I mean, that’s a big indicator. It’s a very common indicator, but it is not the only indicator.
Respect & Human Dignity
Lorelai: And the reality is that the underlying cause is lack of respect, lack of interest in another person. The person you’re supposed to care the most about, your wife. And that’s what Betrayal Trauma Recovery addresses. All of us feel like we’re not getting the respect we deserve or the love we need. We’re human beings. We should be treated like human beings, not objects. That’s what it comes down to.
Anne: Lorelai, thank you so much for coming on today’s episode. And talking about finding your realization that you are experiencing abuse.
Lorelai: I appreciate you taking the opportunity to talk with me, and I hope anyone who needs to hear this can hear it and start working to get safe.
Anne: Thank you.
Oh my gosh, this is the first podcast that has truly made me feel like someone does understand what I am going through and will not judge me. I will be ordering the book mentioned in this podcast as soon as I leave my comment. I am so grateful that you are doing this to help those of us living in the shadows of the unknow. Bless you