If you’re trying to figure out how to establish emotional safety in your marriage, here are nine examples of emotional abuse in marriage, followed by nine emotional safety examples.
Before we get to the list, to see if he’s using any one of the 19 types of emotional abuse tactics, take our free emotional abuse quiz.
9 Emotional Safety Examples
1. If he uses money or other resources to threaten or control you, take a step back.
How it Sounds: “I love you so much. I just want to take care of you. What would you do without me?”
Joelliane will never forget the night her debit card stopped working while her husband was out of town. Stranded without money, her sister stepped in to help, buying her gas so she could get around. Checking their joint account, Joelliane was shocked to find it overdrawn by $1,250 in cash advances.
When she called her husband, he feigned ignorance, promising to fix the problem. “I’ll make sure there’s money for you today,” he said. But hours passed with no solution. Just before midnight, she received an email from him: “Hey Joelliane, I’m not sure what happened. I’ll let you know when I have more information.”
It was manipulative and deliberate—a way to assert control. By withholding financial transparency and draining $6,000 that had been in their account the day before, he left her feeling powerless and dependent on him.
2. If his actions don’t match the values he claims to hold, step back and observe.
How it Sounds: “I’m not perfect, but what matters is we’re focused on God. Everything will work out.”
Joelliane knew something wasn’t right. Her husband attended church regularly, had a respectable job, and kept their home picture-perfect. But his behavior didn’t align with the values he preached. When she voiced her concerns, he brushed them off, saying, “Why worry? I go to church, provide for the family, and keep things in order. What matters is loving God.”
His dismissal troubled her. Joelliane realized outward appearances—religion, work, or social status—weren’t true indicators of character. Trusting her instincts, she began looking deeper, understanding that emotional safety comes from honesty and alignment, not just surface-level achievements.
3. If he makes you feel sorry for him so he can exploit you, it’s time to make some space.
How it Sounds: “I’m so overwhelmed lately. I just can’t get things in order. You’re so organized and on top of everything—I wish I could be like you. Maybe you could share some ideas to help me manage better?”
Joelliane wanted to make her marriage work, so she gladly stepped in to help when her husband said he was struggling. But soon, she found herself taking on all the housework and his responsibilities too. The more she helped, the less he tried.
She created calendars, bought planners, and even rearranged her schedule to support him. Her Wednesday basketball games with friends? Gone. Dinner parties she loved hosting? Stopped. Despite her efforts, he dismissed her solutions and continued to criticize her cooking, watch TV during meals, and avoid helping. Slowly, Joelliane lost touch with her friends, family, and hobbies, leaving her feeling isolated and drained.
To resist this emotional manipulation, focus on your own interests, relationships, and well-being. Begin asserting your independence and creating space to protect yourself. Many women find support in groups like Betrayal Trauma Group Sessions, where emotional safety is a priority.
4. When He Manipulates You by Playing the Victim, Remember You May Actually Be a Victim
How it Sounds: “I’m so exhausted from work. If I could just get some rest, maybe I’d feel better and contribute more.”
Joelliane’s husband frequently cited “stress” as the reason he couldn’t help at home. Despite attending therapy and enjoying hobbies to relax, he avoided household responsibilities, leaving Joelliane to handle everything.
This tactic exploits guilt and generosity, making her feel responsible for his well-being while he shirks accountability. Emotional abusers often use this pattern to manipulate their partners into accepting an uneven workload.
5. When He Twists the Truth and Blames Your “Poor” Communication
How it Sounds: “You never told me this. If you need me to help, you have to make a list and give me clear instructions a week in advance. I can’t read your mind.”
When Joelliane confided in friends, they assured her he was twisting the truth to avoid accountability. She began listening to The Free Betrayal Trauma Recovery Podcast to learn more.
6. When He Blames You While Hiding an Emotional Affair, Prioritize Your Safety
How it Sounds: “I love you, but I just don’t find you attractive anymore. My body doesn’t respond.”
Joelliane was blindsided by her husband’s hurtful words. When she tried to understand, he shifted the blame: “It’s your personality—it’s hard to be attracted to someone who complains and harasses me.”
Soon after, she discovered texts on his phone where he falsely described her as emotionally abusive and vented about their intimacy struggles.
7. When He Cheats and Blames You, It’s a Deflection
How it Sounds: “I dread coming home. You nag, we fight. My co-worker understands me and makes me feel loved.”
Joelliane was accused of not loving her husband enough, only to uncover the truth: he wasn’t capable of real love. He viewed people as objects to exploit. Recognizing this red flag, she shifted her focus to safeguarding her emotional well-being.
8. Why Couples Therapy May Be Dangerous
How it Sounds: “I love you, and I’m sorry. Let’s try couples therapy.”
After years of lies about finances, time, and infidelity, Joelliane desperately agreed to couples therapy. But instead of accountability, her husband manipulated the therapist, who excused his behavior.
Friends, clergy, and even therapists urged her to stay, set boundaries, and wait for change—advice that only kept her in harm’s way. Couples therapy with an abuser often deepens confusion and emotional harm. Instead, focus on your safety and healing. For step-by-step support, explore the Betrayal Trauma Recovery Living Free Workshop.
9. When He Lies to Undermine You, Protect Your Peace
How it Sounds: “She’s struggling with her mental health. She needs your support.”
As Joelliane prepared to leave, she noticed whispers spreading. At the gym, a church member repeated: “Love is a choice.”
You owe no one explanations.
Talk to women who can support you and validate you. We’d love to see you in a Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Session TODAY.
It seems so unnatural to run to safety and then deal with the relationship – but it makes total sense. I feel like young girls need to learn more about how self care isn’t selfish but necessary! Especially in an abusive relationship. Loved this article!
For a long time I didn’t have any boundaries, and then I created artificial boundaries which I couldn’t enforce. Only now am I becoming a person of boundaries and it’s because of my desire for and belief in my right to safety. Thank you for this information!
My husband has been lying frequently to me about his tobacco addiction (He started smoking regularly 5 years ago, before that it was dipping). I’ve told him that the issue isn’t that he smokes, it is that he smokes and lies to me about it. He will say (un-coerced by me), “I’m quitting cold turkey.” And then I’ll find a pack of cigarettes hiding in his closet or in the garage, etc. When I ask him about it, he’ll deny it until I show him the cigarettes that I found. Then and only then will he confess. This has been going on for close to a year. But it has been a pattern in his life for as long as I’ve known him, the lying. Unless I catch him “red-handed”, he won’t confess and repent. In the past it’s been online infidelity as well. I had proof of website history, but he would blame it on the kids or offer up some other excuse. For most of our marriage, he password protected his computer. phone, and email accounts, and when I asked him for his passwords, he’d tell me “It’s none of my business”, or “It’s my work phone and it’s against company policy.” Because I need emotional safety, I’ve recently have I put my foot down and made him write down all his passwords (after like, 20 years of marriage). I’m pretty sure he has kicked his bad online habits, but his continued lies about other things make me unsure what I can and what I can’t believe. After writing all this out, I’m thinking I sound pretty naive, don’t I? But I have NO ONE to talk to. I don’t have family, and his family is my only family. We are all professing Christians, and he is a leader in the church and in the workplace, so I’m pretty sure everyone will downplay my concerns. I’ve started to talk to a Christian therapist, hoping that I can resolve some of my anxiety and give me the tools to work this out. (I’m writing this hoping someone will just hear me–he lied again to me today (multiple times) until I confronted him with the evidence, so I guess that is why I’m on your website trying to process the pain here.)
Have you considered joining Betrayal Trauma Group an online support group for women who are being lied to by men?
I’m so sorry for your pain. I experienced similar things in my marriage. The scary thing is I saw counselors on and off for 16 years and most of them minimized or justified his actions. So few counselors that I have seen really recognize this type of behavior as abuse and to me recognizing it as abuse was a game changer. I recommend getting the book “Why Does He Do That?”. I needed the book in my first year of marriage because it identified and put language to what was going on in my marriage. I couldn’t even do that, but the writer has worked with over 2k abusive men (if I’m remembering correctly), so he has systematically identified the types of behaviors that are consistent in abusive men.
Yes, we love that book! You can find that book and others we recommend for victims of emotional and psychological abuse on btr.org/books