If you’re trying to figure out how to establish emotional safety in your marriage, here are nine examples of emotional abuse in marriage, followed by nine emotional safety examples.

Does He Disguise Threats So You Perceive Them As Kindness?

Emotional Abuse Example: “I love you so much. I want to always take care of you and ensure you’re okay. I worry about what would happen to you if I wasn’t here.”

Joelliane will never forget that night. Her husband was out of town for work when she discovered something was wrong with her debit card, leaving her without access to money. Thankfully, her sister came to her aid, buying her gas, so she had access to transportation until he fixed the situation. Logging into their joint account, Joelliane was stunned to find it overdrawn by around $1,250 for “cash advances”.

When she called him, he feigned ignorance, promising to resolve the issue immediately. “I bet you were scared thinking you didn’t have access to our money. I’ll make sure there’s money in the account for you to use today, I promise. What would you do without me!?”

But then she didn’t hear back from him. She was wracked with worry. Just before midnight, an email from him arrived. It was then that she understood something was seriously amiss. “He timed that email perfectly to appear reliable, like he kept his promise to respond ‘today’, but his email was just gaslighting. It read, ‘Hey Joelliane, I’m not sure what happened. As soon as I have more information, I’ll let you know.'”

This wasn’t just deceitful; it was a threat. By manipulating their finances and hiding what had happened to the $6000 that had been there the previous day and what he’d got the cash advance for, he told in not so many words that he was in complete control and could destabilize their financial security, leaving her helpless.

Emotional Safety Example #1

If someone uses money or anything else to threaten you, it’s important to step back. Start building independence in the areas they control.

When He Dismisses You, But Makes It Seem Like It’s for The Greater Good

Emotional Abuse Example: “Totally, I’m not perfect. But what matters is that we’re focused on Jesus. What matters is I attend church and pray. Everything will get worked out.”

Joelliane had always been observant, keenly aware of the subtleties in her husband’s behavior. But she couldn’t put her finger on what was happening. She believed in living a healthy lifestyle—emotionally, physically, and even spiritually.

Her husband was an active churchgoer, held a respectable job, and kept their lawn pristine. Yet, beneath these surface achievements, Joelliane sensed something was amiss. When she mustered the courage to voice her concerns about his behavior, he dismissed them casually, reminding her that he fulfilled all the visible criteria of being a good husband.

“Why worry?” he said, “I go to church every week, provide for the family, and keep everything in order. What matters is that we love God and keep our eye on Him.”

Joelliane was troubled by this response. She realized that societal or religious check boxes were not the true indicators of his character. Resolute, Joelliane decided to dig deeper, trusting her instincts and recognizing that true safety and understanding came from looking beyond the surface.

Emotional Safety Example #2

If his actions don’t align with the character he claims to possess, it’s time to step back and observe from afar. Do his actions ever reflect his professed values? If not, create even more distance between you and his emotional abuse.

When He Isolates You (Yet Somehow It Was Your Idea)

Emotional Abuse Example: “I’m feeling overwhelmed lately. I just can’t seem to get everything in order, and I know you’re always so organized and on top of things. I wish I could be as capable as you. You’ve got such a knack for this stuff; I bet you’d have some amazing ideas on how I could manage everything better.”

Joelliane wanted to make her marriage work, so she was happy when her husband asked for her help. But soon, she felt overwhelmed trying to do everything. She focused on helping him and doing his jobs too. The more she helped, the less he could do by himself.

Thinking it was her job to support him, she made big posters with calendars to help him keep track. After trying it for a few seconds, he said it didn’t work for him. She then suggested using a calendar on their phones with Google, hoping he would like it better, but he couldn’t figure that out either.

Real Emotional Safety Examples

Joelliane wanted to help her friend, so she looked up the best tools to get organized and bought two planners. But she never used them. He made a list of things to do every night, leaving Wednesday free, and asked her to help him with his schedule on Wednesday evenings.

Joelliane loved playing basketball with her school friends every Wednesday, but she stopped playing to help him with his schedule.

She also liked cooking and was famous for her fun dinner parties. But he often criticized her cooking and watched TV during meals to “relax,” which made her feel less excited about cooking.

She couldn’t remember the last time she had friends over for dinner. Without realizing it, Joelliane became lonely and lost touch with her friends, family, and hobbies.

Emotional Safety Example #3

Resist the emotional abuse by focusing on your own friends, interests, and hobbies. Even though his choices affect you greatly, start to protect yourself from the consequences of his choices by creating space between you and asserting your independence as often as you can. Many women start attending a support group for victims of emotional abuse in marriage. One example is Betrayal Trauma Group Sessions, led by professional coaches who make your emotional safety the top priority.

When He Makes You Feel Sorry For Him (You End Up Doing All of the Housework)

Emotional Abuse Example: “I’m so exhausted from work. If I could only get a little rest, I think I could connect better.”

Joelliane faced a persistent issue with her husband, who constantly struggled with “stress.” Despite attending therapy and enjoying sports to unwind, he frequently avoided helping with household chores, leaving Joelliane to handle everything.

This pattern of behavior is a common tactic used by emotional abusers to manipulate their wife into feeling guilty and responsible for their actions. By making Joelliane feel sorry for his struggles and playing the victim, her husband shirked responsibility and exploited her generosity and hard work.

Emotional Safety Example #4

If he’s using your emotions to manipulate you, begin to think about to avoid being exploited without talking to him about what you’re doing.

When He Conceals the Truth and Pins It on Your “Poor” Communication

Emotional Abuse Example: “Look, you never told me this. If you want me to help out, you need to make a list of everything you want me to do. I can’t read your mind. If you need me to be home, you need to communicate it clearly in writing at least a week in advance.”

When Joelliane opened up to her friends, they were baffled. “Joelliane, you’re not controlling, and your communication isn’t harsh,” they told her. It was an eye-opener, something many women go through. Her way of communicating was totally fine.

He was just twisting the truth and pinning the blame on her, playing the victim in a mess he created. Not too long after the marriage retreat, Joelliane found out her husband hadn’t been working overtime. He’d been using pornography and masturbating.

This was shocking to her. She’s made it clear when they were dating that she never wanted to date a man who used porn, and he readily agreed. If he lied to her about porn, what else was he hiding?

Emotional Safety Example #5

Since emotional abusers use communication to manipulate and gather information as weapons against you, only strategically communicate with them. Since emotional abusers use communication to manipulate and gather information as weapons against you, only strategically communicate with them. To learn more about strategic communication, consider enrolling in The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Living Free Workshop.

When He’s Lying to Friends and Family Behind Your Back to Undermine You

Emotional Abuse Example: “She struggling with her mental health right now. She really needs your support.”

Joelliane began to consider separating from her husband. She found herself at the gym one day when she bumped into a church member. They’d heard the whispers and approached her, knowing she had bravely asked him to leave and was preparing to file for divorce.

They said, “Love is a choice.” The words echoed in her mind, but the weight of emotional abuse made that decision to create more distance between her and the emotional abuser a survival instinct, not a choice.

Desperate for hope, Joelliane attended a prayer conference alone. However, throughout the conference, the pastor told her that she needed to pray harder, and that would save her marriage.

“Your husband tells me you’re starting to lose your faith. That’s probably what’s going on. Here let’s pray together,” the pastor told her.

Emotional Safety Example #6

Find a safe network of people who understand emotional abuse and who can support you. Attend a Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Session TODAY.

When He Blames You for His Lack of Attraction But Hides His Emotional Affair

Emotional Abuse Example: “I love you, but it pains me to say this—I just don’t find you attractive anymore. My body just doesn’t respond.”

Her husband’s words blindsided Joelliane. She was unable to fathom why he claimed he wasn’t attracted to her. When she tried to defend herself, he accused, “It’s more about our relationship—your personality. It’s hard to be attracted to someone who constantly complains and harasses me.”

Around this same time, Joelliane discovered texts on her husband’s phone. In these texts, he talked about how frustrating it was to not get an erection from his wife anymore, and how Joelliane was emotionally abusive to him – even though it was all untrue.

Emotional Safety Example #7

True emotional safety in a relationship comes from honesty and integrity. If he’s hiding an emotional affair and shifting the blame on you, that’s a glaring example of emotional abuse. His desire to keep you in the dark while making you feel guilty demands your attention. It’s time to take a step back and reassess.

When He’s Sleeping With Other Women Because You “Don’t Love Him Enough”

Emotional Abuse Example: “It’s just too depressing to come home. You nag me and we just get in fights. I dread coming home, and my co-worker really understands me. Now that I’ve met her, I feel so loved.”

Joelliane found herself in a difficult situation when her husband started blaming her for his emotional abuse, claiming it was because she “didn’t love him enough.” But that wasn’t true. He didn’t actually love her—not because she was unlovable, but because he was incapable of love.

Joelliane was brave, capable, and amazing, but he saw people only as objects to exploit. Seeing this serious red flag for the first time, Joelliane began to make her emotional safety her top priority.

Emotional Safety Example #8

When you discover he’s blaming his disgusting behavior on you, get support right away. Talking with other women who have experienced this will help you know what to do next to keep yourself emotionally safe.

When Couple Therapy Isn’t Getting You Anywhere

Emotional Abuse Example: “I love you. I’m sorry. It’s just that our marriage has really fallen apart. Why don’t we do couple therapy.”

Joelliane discovered her husband had been weaving a web of lies for years—lies about their finances, his time, and his infidelity through pornography and other women. Despite this, she was determined to save their marriage and agreed to couple’s therapy.

However, the sessions proved unproductive. Her husband manipulated the therapist, leaving Joelliane confused and questioning why they paid for “help” that didn’t truly address the issue. Even if the emotional abuse was recognized, the therapist seemed unable to offer effective solutions.

Emotional Safety Examples Help Victims See The Truth

During this time, Joelliane received misguided advice from therapists, clergy, friends, and family, urging her to stay in the abusive relationship temporarily while setting boundaries for safety. She was told not to make hasty decisions, to calm down, let things settle, and/or wait for him to change.

This advice is dangerous and could have been devastating or even life-threatening, as it asked her to remain in a harmful situation and work things out with her abuser.

In therapy sessions, the therapist oddly sided with her husband, making excuses for his deceitful behavior instead of holding him accountable, further complicating Joelliane’s struggle to navigate the emotional abuse she was experiencing.

Emotional Safety Example #9

Don’t go to couple therapy with an emotional abuser. Focus on your own emotional safety by learning more about emotional abuse, and learning to set emotional safety boundaries. For detailed instructions about how to set boundaries for emotional safety, enroll in The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Living Free Workshop.

Effective Emotional Safety Examples

Many counselors, therapists, clergy don’t want to ring the alarm yet. They convey, ‘Oh, this is something we can resolve together. If we do that, we’ll avoid the worst-case scenario.’

The worst-case scenario in their mind is divorce. They don’t realize the victim is already living in the worst-case scenario: her husband emotionally abuses her.

When a woman is emotionally unsafe, the first step is to get to emotional safety. Once she’s separated from the emotional abuse, she can figure out what to do next.

When you recognize your husband is lying and using your emotions to manipulate you, it’s serious. To read more emotional safety examples, enroll in The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Living Free Workshop TODAY.