Psychological abuse is so insidious victims often cannot identify that they are a victim. If your husband has used psychological abuse to hide his infidelity or other harmful behavior, here’s what you need to know.

If you relate, take our free psychological abuse quiz.

Psychological Abuse Definition & Symptoms

Psychological abuse is a form of emotional and mental harm inflicted that is often so subtle it’s almost impossible to recognize. Tactics of psychological abuse include lying, manipulation, gaslighting to alter a woman’s sense of reality.

Victims of psychological abuse may experience:

• Brain fog
• Sleep issues
• Digestive issues
• Chronic pain
• Autoimmune disorders
• Pelvic pain
• Nightmares
• Headaches
• Poor immune function

. . . and more. Psychological abuse effects victims in profound ways.

Psychological Abuse Takes A Toll On Our Mental Health

Victims of psychological abuse in our community have reported mental health symptoms like,

• Depression
• Anxiety
• Apathy
• Eating disorders
• Obsessive thoughts
• Religious scrupulosity
• Terror
• Panic attacks

Victims of psychological abuse face the societal obstacle of not having any bruises to show how deeply the abuse wounds them.If you’re a victim of psychological abuse, or wonder if you may be a victim of psychological abuse, please attend a BTR.ORG Group Session as soon as possible. You deserve validation and support as you begin your journey to safety.

Transcript: The Effects Of Psychological Abuse On A Woman

Anne: I have a member of our community on today’s episode. We’re going to call her Christine. She’s a traveling nurse and mother of five children. Her children range in age from four to 23 years old. She’s been with this husband for seven years. And this is her third marriage. So we will learn about her story today. Welcome.

Christine: Thank you. Thank you so much. I’m so glad to be here.

Anne: We’re happy to have you. You’ve been married three times. Would you describe all three of your marriages as psychologically abusive?

Christine: Um, sadly, yes, but I did not know that until going through this current marriage and all the Betrayal Trauma Recovery Resources. I did not realize they were abusive.

Anne: For your first two, where you got a divorce, looking back now. Oh, that’s what the cause was, but you didn’t know until Betrayal Trauma Recovery.

Christine: That is true. My first one, I was young, and he ended up abandoning us. I always thought I wasn’t enough, you know, to keep him happy and here. And then going through Betrayal Trauma Recovery, I realized, Oh my gosh, he was gaslighting the whole time.

Anne: And gaslighting really is the number one indicator of psychological abuse.

Christine: Yeah, this is real stuff. So Betrayal Trauma Recovery gave me the freedom to let that go.

Second Marriage & Physical Abuse

Christine: And then my second marriage, sadly, because I had children from my first marriage, and my second marriage, my husband, became physically abusive to them. So that, of course, I knew that one was abusive. I ended up leaving him and getting a divorce for the safety of my children. So about a year and a half into my relationship with my current husband, it was just a train wreck.

I found out the week after I told him I was pregnant with our son, that he watches pornography every day, several times a day. It was just a total train wreck. I was crying and feeling desperate, searching on the internet to find some supportive words or something. And I came across the Betrayal Trauma Recovery listing on the website for gaslighting. It was the first time I heard the term gaslighting.

And then it just blossomed from there. Going to BTR.ORG and finding the books, reading through them, and listening to your podcasts.

Anne: So you’re familiar with my voice. It’s so horrible how infidelity does so much harm.

Christine: Yes, you’ve been my best friend for so many years and you don’t even know.

Anne: I’m so happy to hear that and so sorry to hear that at the same time.

Impact On Health & Sleep

Christine: One of the things I lost through this was the ability to sleep or rest at all. I would go to the doctor, and my blood pressure would be normal on the top, but the bottom number would be so high. And they’re like, your body’s just not relaxing, you know?

And so I would listen to your podcast, and I would have to listen to them just to find sleep at night. Because the torment is so deep and so continuous. You never get rest from it, but your voice would bring me to a place where I could actually get some sleep.

Anne: Psychological and emotional abuse affects your body so much. Oh, that is such good news. My ex-husband would disagree with you. Well, I’m so glad you’re here to share your story. We’re going to focus today on her third marriage. So her current marriage. Did you recognize his behaviors as psychological abuse at first? Can you talk about how you felt before you found the explicit material?

Christine: When I first started seeing red flags, like we would be driving along, and he would make a cat call to some woman on the side of the road. Yeah, it’s one of my most painful memories. It was early on when we were dating, and we were taking my girls to the beach. We were driving by, and this woman bent over, and he yelled some obscenity at her. And I was just shocked.

I was like frozen. I couldn’t even respond. It was so painful. It would be so hurtful and shocking. I would minimize it and think, Oh, it’s just because he’s been single so long. Yeah, I just totally excused it, but I did not recognize it as psychological abuse until I found Betrayal Trauma Recovery.

Psychological Abuse Includes Rejection & Suspicions

Anne: After you were married, did these types of behaviors continue toward you? Did you start seeing other things?

Christine: Yes, so sadly, he got to the point where he would start rejecting me intimately. I had been trained growing up in the church that you always provide for your husband. And never give them a chance where they would not have their needs met, and all that stuff. That they teach that I’m realizing now is so wrong.

So I made sure I was always there and providing for that. And then he started rejecting me. He would say, Oh, I only need to have it, maybe once every four days, and things like that. And it was like a total change from what I had known. I knew there was something wrong, and I could just feel it in my spirit.

Like this isn’t right. And I had a feeling just from hearing sermons in church, like maybe there’s an issue with pornography here. So I started questioning him and questioning him. And finally, after I told him, we’re pregnant, we’re going to have a baby a week after that, he finally admitted to it.

Anne: I was just curious as to what denomination taught that you needed to provide for his needs, like that was your job.

Christine: Yeah, so you can hear that in many churches. I went to non-denominational churches, Baptist and Methodist, and you’ll hear that message across all three of those for sure.

Anne: It’s a misogynistic trope everywhere. And you know what’s interesting? It’s not just religious. Because it’s also in secular places. It’s all over the place. In religious circles, it’s spiritual abuse and psychological abuse.

Realizing The Truth About Abuse

Anne: And then in non-religious places, like in a secular setting, it’s just plain old psychological abuse trying to coerce women by lying to them. Telling women that men have these needs and they’re like animals, so they have these needs that women need to provide for. Pornography use is adultery. Because if they don’t have these needs met, they’ll have to go somewhere else.

Christine: I have learned that this is absolutely not true. And I am not responsible for my husband’s faithfulness. That’s his job, and between him and the Lord. But I did think he had been single for so long it would take time, but then I also thought I was being too sensitive.

And I remember praying in the beginning, because many Christian books will tell you, like, your prayer should first be changed, Lord. So I was doing that, I was like, Lord, I don’t know why this is bothering me so badly. Please change me Father. Make me so that I’m not so sensitive, you know, and I prayed this with such fervency.

Anne: Your goal to be changed to be not so sensitive, but like all women should be sensitive to that.

Christine: Definitely, I’m so glad to find out that what felt wrong is actually wrong. It’s validating. And you know, for the entire year Betrayal Trauma Recovery felt like I was totally surrounded by protectors and advocates, and it gave me the freedom to find my own healing while I had those protectors.

Anne: So before you found Betrayal Trauma Recovery, and besides the prayer, did you try anything else to try and establish safety and peace in your home?

Failed Attempts To Fix The Marriage

Christine: I tried everything. I spent thousands of dollars on new lingerie to try to keep things interesting for him. We also tried every possible church focused program. Most of them, in fact, all of them ended up being very damaging for me. And giving him wrong advice for sure. We also tried regular therapy. We did EMDR, and had psychological testing done. I found out that I had extreme PTSD. I tried everything I could find.

Anne: Looking back on that, like trying every single thing you can find, what’s your feeling about that period now? Like all the searching that you were doing.

Christine: I heard God’s voice in the beginning tell me that Betrayal Trauma Recovery was the right way to go, but I couldn’t wrap my head around it. And so I was like, Oh, okay, Lord, but let’s try what my insurance will cover. Okay, let’s try what’s free. And looking back, I wish I had skipped all of it because it was further traumatizing and lengthened the process.

I’m going through this, coming up seven years now, and my body and my health have suffered so severely. Because of the length of time I sat in this psychological abuse.

Anne: So were you aware of Betrayal Trauma Recovery like right from the beginning? But you thought like, hmm, let’s try something else?

Christine: For years. So I found you, I think, after being with him a year and a half. And I would listen to all your podcasts. I read every book you recommended. I did Betgrayal Trauma Recovery Group Sessions.

Advice To Younger Self About Psychological Abuse

Christine: Yes, I did that, and that was very healing. Those groups sessions were absolute lifesavers. I have no doubt that without Betrayal Trauma Recovery, I would not be alive right now. Because my depression and suicidal ideation were so severe during the darkest hours. And BTR was there to pull me out of it, to be my advocate and friend.

Anne: If you could go back and talk to your younger self, what are the most important things you’ve learned? And what do you think you’d be like? I have to tell myself this, this is so important.

Christine: If it was my younger self, I would tell myself the truth. I don’t know that I would have chosen marriage, to be honest. If I knew the truth, I think I wouldn’t marry. I would have stayed single and focused on my career. It wouldn’t have been something that I chose to participate in. As much as there are many joys, there’s so much possibility for danger.

If I could go back to the beginning of this marriage, I would tell myself to run, get out, don’t stay, don’t try to work through it, just run. Do not place my future on my husband. I’m prepared either way. And I know that I will be okay either way. I know my exit plan. I’ve got a postnuptial and I’m okay. I’m ready either way. Victims don’t go into their love story any different than a non victim. You’re falling in love, and having all these special moments.

You guys are connecting. At least you believe you’re connecting, even though the other side is fake connecting and lying. Like, our hearts are still intertwined with them.

From Helping Him To Setting Boundaries

Christine: This is still our love story, and you cannot imagine the things happening when they happen. It just feels like it’s unfathomable when it happens.

Anne: It’s like your baseline is this particular reality, which is he’s a good guy, he loves me and cares about our family. And so wrapping your head around the reality that they don’t care about other people. Because they’re incapable of doing that. They just want what they want, and it’s really hard, right, to wrap your head around.

Christine: Yeah, it is. I mean, especially being brought up as a little girl on Disney princess videos. There is no Disney princess video that ends like this. We’re not prepared. Then as humans, we’re prepped for flaws in humanity. You’re marrying an imperfect person. And especially as a believer, you’re going to be like, okay, I’m going to give him grace on this. I’m going to help him through it, because I’m not perfect either. And so I think as believers, we give them extra room.

Anne: What are some concepts that you learned at Betrayal Trauma Recovery that have helped you protect yourself the most?

Christine: I think for me it was boundaries, and my coach helped me with this one. Because even going through traditional therapy, I just thought, well, I’m just not a person who can have boundaries. I just can’t do it for some reason. But what I learned was that the concept of boundaries outside of Betrayal Trauma Recovery is totally different.

So when I got to Betrayal Trauma Recovery, it’s like that little cartoon where Betrayal Trauma Recovery shows like putting boundaries is putting on your, what do you call it? Steel, steel toed boots.

Boundaries & The Living Free Workshop

Christine: Yeah, I finally got it once I was in Betrayal Trauma Recovery. And, my coach helped me take it really slow, and she took all the pressure off of it. And she was like, it’s okay boundaries are practice. If you don’t get it right, then you just do it again. Don’t put pressure on yourself, just keep practicing boundaries.

Anne: Yeah, and The Bettrayal Trauma Recovery Living Free Workshop teaches boundaries in a clear, actionable way. That is completely different than you’ll get anywhere else. And women are like, oh, I finally understand how to protect myself, yeah.

Christine: Yeah, that helped me so much. When I got to BTR, I felt liberated, like oh my gosh, I don’t have to have sex if I don’t want to. And I can do that, validating myself and protecting myself, and it was really freeing.

Anne: That is wonderful, because I have worked so hard to teach boundaries in a way that is actually doable for victims. And one that will actually protect them, because the other ways just don’t seem to do anything. They don’t seem to protect, and they’re impossible to do.

Christine: They end up feeling like false threats. I always start telling myself, okay, how do I put on steel toed boots for this one? It was like my visual that made the boundaries possible for everything

Anne: That’s cool Christine, to hear that worked for you and helped. Were there any other concepts that helped you that you felt like, oh Betrayal Trauma Recovery teaches this in such a way that it actually helps?

Psychological Abuse Validation & Support From BTR.ORG

Christine: Yeah, I think the most powerful thing for me with Betrayal Trauma Recovery was the validation. For other forms of therapy and all the other groups I attended. I would get the message, you’re being too sensitive or that’s a normal guy thing. But when I went to Betrayal Trauma Recovery, I could seriously get the pain validated. It seemed like having someone there who got me, it would give me enough joy, enough to make it through that day. And kind of take away that feeling of, am I crazy?

Like I’m crazy in my head. That was so powerful for me. I don’t feel like people understand the depth of the sorrow, pain, and darkness. For me, I felt like a prisoner of war. It seemed like I was in a cold, dark, and damp cell. And I was crying, and nobody could hear me. All the incidents that would happen. It seemed like my husband would drag me out of my cell and beat me again.

And the people I related to the most. were honestly other people who had gone through horrible forms of human suffering. I had peace and comfort listening to their stories, knowing that they had experienced human suffering in a painful way like I had. And I just feel like we’re going through this. It is so dark, demonic and evil. It’s absolutely soul crushing.

Anne: It is, now that I’m feeling so much better. It doesn’t take me long to remember. I can like take myself back there pretty easily. Because it was so awful, and it’s long and there’s no end in sight. You know, going through it. It just feels so hopeless and awful. And everything about your life is affected by it. Everything is taken.

Healing & Reclaiming Life

Christine: You have nothing. Everything is taken from you. I know, like, you lose everything. You lose your family. I lost relationships with my children for a long time because of what was going on. I would drive around in a car with him and I would see other people living life. And I would feel like I was looking at life. out a window at something I couldn’t touch anymore. You know, other people are just happy and they’re they’re going about their lives.

About a week ago, I went back to this same gas station where I had an incident, and realized I felt like part of life again. Like I have my life back again. It was so huge. Finally, feel joy and safety again.

Anne: I remember feeling that way we went to an amusement park, and looking at the people, and they’re just walking by and feeling like they live in a different reality than I do.

Christine: Yes, exactly. It’s like they have no clue. Look at them. They’re so happy.

Anne: I don’t know what planet they’re from, but it’s not the same planet that I live on, right?

Christine: Right, yeah, but it’s also helped me as a nurse. I mean, as horrible as this is to go through, I would never want anyone to go through this, but I remember not too long ago, about a month ago, I heard the cry of despair. There was a patient, and she had that cry, and I said, that’s despair. I know, I’ve been there. What’s going on? We need to help. You know what I mean? So

Anne: That’s interesting.

A PhD In Despair

Christine: I feel like I’ve gotten my PhD in human suffering through this, yes.

Anne: As we laugh when you say that, we both kind of chuckle a little bit like, Oh, we have our PhD in despair. It does feel like that. It’s not funny at all. All the women who have been through it, we have a little bit of dark sense of humor, I think. Yeah, it’s all you have.

Christine: Yeah, I mean, it’s a major part of our lives. I will never forget this phase of, I think this is my desert phase in my life.

Anne: Yeah, well, you are so strong and so brave.

Christine: You know, I feel like the younger generation is starting to stand up more. I know that my daughters are standing up against psychological abuse. I feel like maybe we have hope. Maybe there’s going to be a change from us, speaking out maybe we’re giving our daughters for a better future.

Anne: And our sons.

Christine: Yes.

Anne: My son is very, I’ll just say feminist for lack of a better word. I’m not sure what word to use, but he’s always noticing things. In fact, I was listening to a song. I’m not sure if I’ve talked about this on the podcast before, but I was like, Oh, I love this song. And he was like, Mom, this is a terrible song.

It’s misogynistic and it’s abusive and they’re objectifying women and it’s not good. You should not be listening to it. And I said, I said, it’s a metaphor. It’s a metaphor. And he said, I don’t care what it is. It doesn’t matter if it’s a metaphor or not. Like you should not be listening to this.

Healing Trauma From Psychological Abuse

Christine: Oh, what a wonderful boy.

Anne: That’s another thing that I’ve found, healing from trauma. I used to feel the weight of the entire world on my shoulders. So it was hard to go to a swimming pool, right? It was difficult to listen to the radio or to do everyday things, which were triggering. And now to chuckle at my son and think, oh, he’s so cute, but I like this song. So I’m going to listen to it, which I probably shouldn’t, by the way. I admit it.

But I just do not feel the weight of the world on my shoulders. To be like, I don’t have to solve the world’s problems, and I don’t have to be on high alert all the time. I can enjoy this song. Despite its misogynistic overtones, which I shouldn’t, but what I’m trying to say is that’s like huge progress for me.

Christine: Yeah, that’s a huge freedom.

Anne: Years ago, there was no way. I would have been like I can’t watch TV, I can’t do anything. Because there are hints of this everywhere. And it should alarm us and overwhelm us, but we still need to go to the grocery store. So it makes it really, really, really hard.

Christine: I am so glad to hear that you’re in that phase. Because I’m still healing and the world is still overwhelming. Although it’s, it’s getting slightly better. I still don’t watch TV, I still don’t listen to much music. I’m so glad to hear it all comes back.

A Life Saving Podcast

Anne: And that’s okay too. There’s evil stuff out there. I’m not trying to say, oh, you can enjoy the evil thing, no, no, no. That is not what I’m trying to say, but it’s just being able to function is nice. Everyone’s like, we used to like Anne, but then she said sometimes she listens to a Katy Perry song, heaven forbid.

Christine: No, it’s the difference between watching TV and watching something come on, and you have the choice like, no, I don’t want to watch that. And it comes on, traumatizing you, and ruining the rest of your day. And you can’t stop shaking. Like there’s a difference.

Anne: For people who are hesitant to listen because they’re like, Betrayal Trauma Recovery is like too extreme. For people who think this is the wrong way to go, what would you say to them?

Christine: I think at first I thought maybe it was more pro-divorce too, but what I did was look through the podcast and see which one called out to me. And when it’s time for you to hear that podcast, it will be life saving to you. So just take it when you need it, take it as you need it. The Holy Spirit will lead you to what you need to hear. And you will be surprised and overwhelmed at how life saving these podcasts can and will be.

Anne: Yeah. I’m not necessarily pro-divorce by any stretch. I am grateful for families, but I am 100% pro safety. And then the other issue is that after divorce. So many women continue to experience intense abuse.

Betrayal Trauma Recovery, 100% Safe Help

Anne: Divorce does not solve it. It can be a boundary that can keep you safer than other things. So many women use it as a boundary, but it’s not necessarily the solution. And that’s why domestic violence experts who I applaud make me nervous. Because they think the answer is like, just get divorced. And it’s like, no, if I get divorced, I’m going to still be abused and my kids are still going to be abused for years. So we need to find like a sustainable safety plan.

Christine: And I found Betrayal Trauma Recovery was the only 100% safe program. Everything else had like, you’d be listening to it, and then a sting. It would hurt your heart. But when you listen to Betrayal Trauma Recovery, there’s no stings. It’s all safe. It feels safe.

Anne: Everyone at BTR has been through it, yeah. Right? We’ve all known what it’s like to try and make those hard decisions. Try to think about like what the best thing is going to be. And it is not easy.

Christine: It is so hard. I think the hardest thing I’ve ever been through in my life for sure.

Anne: Oh, well, I’m so happy to get to know you more and I wish you the best on your journey to further healing.

Christine: I just want to thank you so much for meeting with me. Like I said, this is so surreal for me. I’ve been listening to your voice for so many years, and I feel like God used you to keep me alive on so many nights and your kindred spirit with my heart.