Many women wonder, “Can trauma affect your sex drive?” Yes, trauma can have a profound impact. Especially if your partner emotionally traumatized you.
It’s a basic fact that emotional abuse isn’t attractive. There are 19 different types of emotional abuse, to see if you’ve been experiencing any one of the 19 types, take our free emotional abuse quiz.
1. It’s Normal To Not Want physical contact When A Man Lied To You
If your husband lied to you, of course, you’re not going to want to have contact. Healthy intimacy is based on trust and empathy. If he’s been lying to you about anything, that will affect your drive.
However, if he’s been lying to you about his pornography use or his affairs, of course you won’t feel emotionally and physically safe with him.
If you feel unsafe with your husband, learn more about this by listening to the FREE Betrayal Trauma Recovery Podcast.
2. Can Trauma Affect Your Drive?
Yes, many women don’t understand the different types of trauma you may be experiencing. For example, some men traumatize their partners by not caring about her experience. If your husband has never cared if you enjoy it, or if you get anything out of it, that’s traumatizing. Why would any woman want to under those circumstances? It’s normal to not want to do something that isn’t enjoyable for you.
And if your husband insists you owe it to him for whatever reason, that’s coercion. And coercion is an absolute turn off. It’s completely normal to not want to be intimate with someone manipulating and exploiting you.
3. Detaching From Your Body Is A Trauma Response
If you find yourself numbing out or emotionally detached during just to get it over with, there’s a likelihood that the experience is abusive in nature.
If he doesn’t care that you’re not engaged or that you have to detach to get through it, he doesn’t possess the empathy required to be a healthy partner. It’s normal to not want to have it with someone who doesn’t care about you.
Whether you’ve experienced emotional, physical, or psychological trauma due to his emotional and psychological abuse and coercion, it’s normal to experience anxiety, dissociation, and even fear.
You don’t owe anyone this for any reason. It’s not a crime to not want it. It’s not immoral or unethical to not want it. The problem isn’t that you don’t want to have it. He feels entitled to it with you, that is the problem. And is emotionally and psychologically abusive to manipulate you to do it when you don’t want to. In fact, it’s called coercion.
It’s Not You—It’s Him
Understand that couple therapy or improved communication won’t solve his abuse problems. It’s normal that your drive only comes online when you’re with someone who…
- is honest and transparent.
- Shows genuine empathy for your feelings.
- doesn’t exploit you emotionally or sexually.
- doesn’t objectify women through the use of exploitative material.
Remember, it’s normal to be disgusted by someone who is emotionally and psychologically abusive.
If you’re navigating the impact of trauma on your sex life, there’s nothing “wrong” with you, and you’re not broken. Wondering, how can trauma affect me? Find support in our online Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Sessions.
Transcript: Can Trauma Affect Your Drive?
Anne: It’s just me today. Many women ask, can trauma affect your sex drive? And the answer is, absolutely. And here are three things to know. If you’re listening and thinking when I found out about his use of exploitative material or affairs, I actually wanted to have it more. We will cover that in a different episode.
Indiana Jones & Childhood Memories
Anne: I grew up on Indiana Jones. In my home, we had a VHS player and a tape of Raiders of the Lost Ark. I think I recorded it off of TV. There’s a period of my life where every Saturday I watched Raiders of the Lost Ark via VHS. So I have a lot of this movie memorized. With this new Indiana Jones coming out, I’m so excited to see it.
Of course, I’m going to be there. And I’m going to love it. But I have mixed feelings about Indiana Jones in terms of, maybe, how media and culture have affected my sexuality. And I say that because I’m not interested in getting married and dating. I’ll go on a date every once in a while, and I am noticing lately that I have more maybe interest. Dating after narcissistic abuse is hard. When I say that, I like a hundred percent of the time I’m not a hundred percent disgusted by it. And that did occur for a long time.
I’m 90 percent disgusted by it 90 percent of the time. There’s like 10 percent where I’m like, oh, maybe I would want to have it again. And I feel like that 10 percent of the time. When that occurs is usually due to some Indiana Jones type character on a movie I watch. Can trauma affect you? So that’s why I’m saying maybe it has ruined my desire for it. In that many shows I watch where I’m attracted to a man, they’re strong, they’re capable physically, I’m attracted to manly problem solvers who are able to save the day.
Realizations at Petra
Anne: I actually went to Petra, where part of Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade filmed. When they found the Valley of the Crescent Moon. So you go through the slot canyon, which looks like where I’m from. It looks like southern Utah, so I felt like I was home there. Anyway, so I go through the slot canyon and get to the end. And here is this amazing facade carved out of the cliff. It’s called The Treasury. It was overwhelming. This is where I discovered strategies to heal from your husband’s emotional abuse.
So I see The Treasury in real life, and I just break down in like hysterical crying. I was sobbing. I could not stop crying. Because it represented my childhood, ideas of what men were, what masculinity was. And the kind of man I wanted, which, what, Indiana Jones?That’s crazy. There are no men in real life like Indiana Jones. My ex husband is physically capable. He is strong and physically attractive. And he could pick up railroad ties and throw them around in our yard.
And when he did yard projects and got dirt on his face, I was extremely attracted to him. So I’m standing in front of The Treasury, and I just break down. Can trauma affect you? All my childhood dreams and hopes are just standing there in front of me. But there’s no Indiana Jones.
I’m just there and he’s not around, and it was miserable, actually, in that moment. I took my journal, thank goodness, and I was journaling quite a bit.
Can Trauma Affect Who I’m attracted to?
Anne: The interesting thing about the Treasury, the actual Treasury, the one in Petra, is that it is just a facade. You can’t go in it, but if you could, there’s like a tiny room in there. There’s not some palace inside of there. It’s just this beautiful facade, and most of Petra is like that. It’s just facades, not like palaces built into the rock. And that really hit me. All of the things that I thought I wanted. This Indiana Jones character was just a hollow facade.
And yet, that type of man, like the Indiana Joneses of the world, is still what I’m attracted to. And it’s annoying me, because I would not want to be married to Indiana Jones. He would be the worst husband in the world. I’ve been thinking a lot about how perhaps movies have perhaps messed me up.
These types of men I am attracted to, for sure, but I don’t necessarily want to be. I wish I was attracted to other types of men. So in the process of this, rather than worry about it too much. Can trauma affect you? I just decided not to worry about dating. And I like that. I’m so happy with my life. I love it, my kids, being a mom, and doing this podcast.
And I love everything we do at Betrayal Trauma Recovery. It is so satisfying. And maybe when my kids move out, I’ll think about it. By that time, I will be 55 years old. And maybe I will meet, you know, a 53 year old man who is not like Indiana Jones, and maybe I won’t be that attracted to him. And maybe that will be great.
No interest in dating
Anne: I don’t know. I’m wondering if you guys have had the same situation where you know what healthy is and that’s what you’re interested in. Maybe you’re not interested in dating like I am. But then who you’re attracted to is not necessarily the “healthy” guy. I’m not saying I’m attracted to bad guys.
Like, no, I’m not dating anybody. I never get myself in a pickle. I’m not flirting with people. If you knew me in real life, you’d be like, oh yeah, she does not flirt with people. I don’t have a problem with not dating. I think I give off a leave me alone vibe, which suits me fantastic.
So there’s no hanky panky going on with me. But I’m wondering how you feel about how media or movies toyed a little bit with who you’re attracted to. And then also what you know would be better for a marriage.
Healthy Marriages vs. Abusive Relationships
Anne: That being said, since I’ve never had a healthy marriage, and this is not a podcast for healthy marriages, healthy marriages aren’t meant to be hard. I talk about abuse and what that looks like. I’m not concerned about women in healthy marriages coming to Betrayal Trauma Recovery and then out of thin air deciding for no reason that their husband is abusive when he’s not.
That’s not what happens. Women with healthy marriages, if they listen to this podcast, they’re like, oh wow, my husband’s nothing like that. Women who have an abusive husband, when they listen, will be like, check, check, check. Ugh! He’s emotionally and psychologically abusive. That’s what’s going on. That’s what’s happening. That’s not BTR’s fault. It’s the abuser’s fault. They’re the ones doing the abusing.
So, even though I may be an abuse expert, somebody like Indiana Jones, in Raiders of the Lost Ark, still seems so cool to me. Why is that? Why am I so lame? In real life, that would be a disaster. I’d love to know your thoughts about this. Please comment below. Follow us on social media, on Instagram.
It might be that I would be attracted to a healthy person. Just nobody healthy has shown up that was available the date. That’s probably what’s going on. Sorry, it took me this time to like process. Why am I still attracted to Indiana Jones? This is ridiculous. You know why? It’s because a healthy man in real life has not asked me on a date. I’m guessing I would be attracted to them. If that happens, I’ll let you know. But in the meantime, I’d love to know what you think.
Hi Ann! I have been listening to your podcasts since 2018, and have not missed very many episodes. I remember way back when when your dad was filtering the emails from your ex, my sister did the same. And all the ups and downs you’ve had throughout the years. I just had to say listening to today’s podcast, the one with Indiana Jones, I am just smiling so big right now. You sound so healthy. So authentic. So healed. I feel like I’ve been on this journey with you, although it’s one-sided, because I feel like I know you, and you don’t know me. But I just felt compelled to say something. Thank you thank you thank you, you have changed my life. Now, specifically about the Indiana Jones attraction. I do think you were on it at the end, and I do think you would be attracted to a safe man if that person came into your life. And part of me hopes, for all of us, that that safe man is as sexy as someone like Indiana Jones.
Hahaha! Yes! Let’s hope that safe man is as sexy as Indiana! I love it!
I’m so glad to hear that you’ve been on this journey with me! Thank you so, so much for your support!!!
I understand you and hope that one day, love and the physical part/intimacy will return. I met my husband at church. He was once a deacon. I was in my 50’s when my horrific D-day happened. I was shocked when I started to discover all of the different levels of deceit. The world glorifies all kinds of betrayal and unfaithfulness, I never in a million years thought I would be involved. I thought my husband loved me.
But after 30 years of “marriage,” through reading the books on your books page about abuse, and personal individual coaching with one of BTR.ORG coaches, I realized my husband is abusive, and he groomed me from the beginning in order to exploit me. He was never interested in an equal relationship with me.
I did all that I could as a Christian to restore my marriage and forgave him. However, he did not. I’m still in the relationship. I truly loved and kept every one of my wedding vows. I have a detachment boundary. He does not touch me in any way. His online infidelity ruined everything. It destroyed trust and closeness—I could no longer connect with him emotionally or physically. God removed any intimacy or thoughts from my mind as a survival technique. I have no hate for him. My focus is on my own faith and 2 adult children.
Because of the level of his deceit, I don’t think I could trust a man again. I have absolutely no desire for physical contact, after being rejected by him and repulsed by what he preferred online. A young woman that I know told me that her boyfriend had been lying and mentally abusive, I saw all the patterns. I told her to RUN. She is now moving out. Anyone who has been through this understands the level of hurt that online infidelity and emotional betrayal can have.
I’m rather new to your podcast. I’m now divorced, living separately from my ex, and still experiencing abuse through what the ex does to our teenaged son and his access to me via our custody situation. (It doesn’t matter what legal documents he has signed. He does not feel he needs to follow those because I made one exception once and let him deviate from the schedule.) I’m more affected by that now.
I’m 53.
I really related to this podcast. When I married, I consciously tried to find someone not like my father. My dad was definitely the outdoors type, getting dirty doing farm stuff, and yelling at everyone, whether we were outside “helping” or inside doing whatever we were doing. I married a computer scientist from India. He is an intellectual type, high earning, and definitely not like my father on the outside. On the inside, they’re similar in that they never apologize for their bad behavior. They are entitled to their behavior. They are entitled to treat women and their children like they do because they are men, or so it seems to me.
Like you, I’m not interested in dating, and I’m confused about who I’m attracted to. Basically, I mistrust men (and some women too). There’s been one guy since. He’d been my friend for a long time. I thought he was kind. I knew he was emotionally unavailable, and so I thought I wouldn’t get attached to him. I tried to move on after my marriage ended, but it’s hard because the damage that was done in the marriage still feels really present. My ex was addicted to being online, and I realized much later how much of that was about looking at other women, messaging them, and creating this fantasy life that didn’t involve me. It ruined what little intimacy we had left. Every time I tried to bring it up, I was dismissed, like I was imagining things or overreacting. I don’t think he even saw the damage it caused because to him, it wasn’t something that should bother me, but it did. It made me feel invisible, like I wasn’t enough for him or anyone. That was just one part of the harm, but it was a big one. How do you rebuild trust in anyone after that? Anyway, now I’m just very confused about men and relationships in general. I figure that I’m not ready when I’m still trying to get out of my trauma about the decades with the ex.
Hi Anne, thank you for this episode!! You beautifully stated exactly where I am right now. I have questioned whether I am strange because of losing all interest. Similar to Lisa, above, I refuse to let my husband touch me in any way, unable to leave at this point.
Thank you, thank you!!
Hi Anne — attraction to fictional characters like Indiana Jones is completely normal! It’s fantasy, just like dressing up like a princess is for little girls.
It’s OK to appreciate Indy’s looks and moves. That involves just feelings, which we can’t control.
Behavior, acting on these feeing, is different as we make conscious choices.
In real life, you are conscious of the fictional character’s flaws and know he isn’t husband material. I hope you continue to enjoy the the attraction feelings to Indy from Raiders.
P.S. I started dating at 52, after leaving my husband who cheated on me with more than 2 dozen people. It’s been a positive, healing experience.
Thank you for this, and all episodes. For the record, this is the single most helpful resource I’ve ever found in dealing with betrayal trauma, and I’ve used MANY resources. As for this episode, I feel in so many ways like I could’ve written it myself, if you replace Indiana Jones with Thor!
I’ve been divorced for nearly seven years now. I am definitely still attracted to men (probably the wrong, manly/handsome types) but I also don’t have a strong desire to marry again. Sometimes I want to, but most of the time I feel content living a peaceful life with my kids. I do half-joke with my friends that I am not interested. I do want a this kind of relationship again, but only in the context of a safe and healthy marriage. I date from time to time, but even when he seems healthy and kind, I get panic attacks. It’s hard to think about marriage when even going on dates is still terrifying. It’s a strange place to be, and I’m not so much “figuring it out” as “fumbling about.”
And like you, I hope I can recognize “healthy” and would choose it, but I sincerely don’t know. I’ve never had that experience and so I think I still have a strong fear of being lied to again, manipulated again. I believe in healthy men like I believe in unicorns. They’re out there somewhere… right?