Can Trauma Affect Your Sex Drive – 3 Things To Know

Can trauma affect your sex drive? Yes. Here's why it's normal to be turned off by jerks.

Many women wonder, “Can trauma affect your sex drive?” Yes, trauma can have a profound impact on your sex drive. Especially if your sexual partner emotionally traumatized you.

It’s a basic fact that emotional abuse isn’t attractive. There are 19 different types of emotional abuse, to see if you’ve been experiencing any one of the 19 types, take our free emotional abuse quiz.

1. It’s Normal To Not Want To Have Sex When A Man Lied To You

If your husband lied to you, of course you’re not going to want to have sex. Healthy sex is based on trust and empathy. If he’s been lying to you about anything that will affect your sex drive.

However, if he’s been lying to you about his pornography use or his affairs, that’s the best reason ever to feel emotionally and physically unsafe with him.

If you feel unsafe with your husband, learn more about this type of abuse by listening to the FREE Betrayal Trauma Recovery Podcast.

2. Does Sexual Trauma Trauma Affect Your Sex Drive?

Yes. However, many women don’t understand the different types of sexual trauma you may be experiencing. For example, abusive men traumatize their victims by not caring about her experience during sex. If your husband has never cared if you enjoy sex or if you get anything out of it, that’s traumatizing. Why would any woman want to have sex under those circumstances? It’s totally normal to not want to do something that isn’t enjoyable for you.

And if your husband insistst that you owe it to him for whatever reason, that’s sexual coercion. And sexual coercion is an absolute turn off.

It’s completely normal to not want to have sex with someone who is manipulating and exploiting you.

3. Detaching From Your Body Is A Trauma Response

If you find yourself numbing out or emotionally detached during sex just to get it over with, there’s a likelyhood that the sex being done to you is abusive in nature.

If he doesn’t care that you’re not engaged or that you have to detach to get through it, he doesn’t possess the empathy required to be a healthy sexual partner. It’s normal to not want to have sex with someone who doesn’t care about you.

Whether you’ve experienced emotional, physical, or psychological trauma as a result of his emotional and psychological abuse and sexual coercion, it’s normal to experience anxiety, dissociation, and even fear during sex.

You don’t owe anyone sex for any reason. It’s not a crime to not want to have sex. It’s not immoral or unethical to not want to have sex. The problem isn’t that you don’t want to have sex. The problem is that he feels entitled to have sex with you and is emotionally and psychologically abusive to manipualte you to do it when you don’t want to. In fact, it’s called sexual coercion, and it’s sexual abuse.

It’s Not You—It’s Him

Understand that couple therapy or improved communication won’t solve his abuse problems. It’s normal that your sex drive only comes online when you’re with someone who…

  • is honest and transparent.
  • Shows genuine empathy for your feelings.
  • doesn’t exploit you emotionally or sexually.
  • doesn’t objectify women through the use of pornography and masturbation

Remember, it’s normal to be disgusted by someone who is emotionally and psychologically abusive.

If you’re navigating the impact of trauma on your sex life, there’s nothing “wrong” with you, and you’re not broken. Find support in our online Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Sessions.

Transcript: Can Trauma Affect Your Sex Drive?

I grew up on Indiana Jones in my home. We had a VHS player and a tape, I think I recorded it off of TV or something of Raiders of the Lost Ark. And so there’s a period of my life where every Saturday I would watch Raiders of the Lost Ark via vhs. So I have a lot of this movie memorized and with this new Indiana Jones coming out, I’m so excited to see it.

Have media, culture, and trauma affected your sexuality?

(03:55):
Of course I’m gonna be there and I’m gonna love it. But I have mixed feelings about Indiana Jones in terms of maybe how media and culture has affected my sexuality. And I say that because dating and marriage don’t really interest me. I’ll go on a date every once in a while.

I am noticing lately that I’m more interested in sex. And when I say that, I mean a hundred percent of the time, it doesn’t one hundred percent disgust me. And that did occur for a really long time. So now 90% of the time it 90% disgusts me and then there’s like 10% where I’m like, oh, maybe I would wanna have sex again. And I feel like that 10% of the time when that occurs is usually due to some Indiana Jones-type character on a movie that I watch <laugh>.

“It represented my childhood ideas of what men were and what masculinity was”

(04:52):
So that’s why I’m saying maybe it has ruined my sexuality in that many shows I watch where I’m attracted to a man, they’re strong, they’re capable physically. I’m attracted to manly problem solvers who are able to like save the day.
I actually had the opportunity to go the Petra where part of Indiana Jones and the last crusade is filmed when they find the Valley of the Crescent Moon. And when I got there, I broke down in like hysterical crying; I could not stop crying. So you go through this slot canyon, which by the way, looks a lot like where I’m from.

Do You Know This About Coercion?

It looks a lot like southern Utah, so I felt like I was home there. Anyway, so I go through this slot canyon and I get to the end and here is this amazing…it’s called the Treasury and it was just overwhelming, but it also represented kind of my childhood ideas of what men were and what masculinity was and the kind of man I wanted, which Indiana Jones-that’s crazy.

“There’s no Indiana Jones in real life”

(06:02):
There are no men in real life like Indiana Jones. So I see the Treasury in real life and I just break down and start crying. I was sobbing because here I was standing in front of the Treasury thinking this sort of represents what my dreams were. My ex-husband is physically capable. He was strong and physically attractive and he could pick up railroad ties and throw ’em around in our yard. I found him attractive when he’d work in the yard.

“He would be the worst husband in the world”

(07:03):
I took my journal, thank goodness, and I was journaling quite a bit. The other interesting thing about the Treasury, the actual Treasury in Petra, is that it is just a facade. You can’t go in it, but if you could, there’s just a little tiny room in there. There’s not some palace inside of there. It’s just this beautiful facade and most of Petra is like that. It’s just facades, not palaces built into the rock.

And that really hit me, all of the things that I thought I wanted or that I thought were cool. This Indiana Jones character was just a hollow facade and yet that type of man, like the Indiana Joneses of the world, is still what I’m sexually attracted to. And it’s annoying me. It’s annoying me because I would not wanna be married to Indiana Jones. He would be the worst husband in the world.

“I’m so happy with my life”

(07:59):
I’ve been thinking a lot about how perhaps my sexuality has been messed up by movies, these types of men who I am attracted to for sure. But I don’t necessarily want to be and I wish I was attracted to other types of men. So in the process of this, rather than worry about it too much, I just have decided not to worry about it.

I’m so happy with my life- I love it, I love my kids, I love being a mom, I love doing this podcast. I love everything we do at BTR. It is so satisfying and maybe when my kids move out or something, (I’ll think about it and by that time I will be like 55 years old) I will meet a man who is not like Indiana Jones and maybe I won’t be that attracted to him and maybe that will be great.

Are you in this situation?

(09:04):
I don’t know. I’m wondering if you guys have had the same situation where you know what healthy is and that’s what you’re interested in. Maybe you’re not so interested in dating like I am, but then who you’re sexually attracted to is not necessarily the “healthy” type. I’m not saying I’m attracted to bad guys. No. I’m not dating anybody. I never get myself in a pickle. I’m not flirting with people. If you knew me in real life, which you don’t, I think you’d be like, “Oh yeah, she does not flirt with people.” I do not have a problem with not dating.

I think I give off like a kind of leave me alone vibe, which suits me fantastic. So there’s no hanky panky going on with me, but I’m wondering how you feel about how media maybe or movies toyed a little bit with who you’re sexually attracted to and then also what you know would be better for a marriage. That being said, since I’ve never had a healthy marriage, I don’t know anything about it, and so this is not a podcast for healthy marriages.

Women in healthy marriages don’t relate to the BTR.ORG podcast

(10:17):
I think an episode or two ago I talked about abuse and what that looks like. And I’m not concerned at all about women who are in healthy marriages coming to BTR and then out of thin air deciding for no reason at all that their husband is abusive when he’s not. That’s not what happens. Women who have healthy marriages, if they listen to this podcast, they’re like, “Oh wow, yeah, my husband’s nothing like that.”

Do you know what a healthy marriage feels like?

(10:57):
That is what’s going on. This porn thing is an abuse issue. That is what’s happening. That’s not BTR ‘s fault, it’s the abuser’s fault. They are the ones that are doing the abusing. But because I haven’t been in a healthy marriage, I don’t know how to be in one. I don’t know what that looks like.

So although I’m an abuse expert, I am not a healthy marriage expert. So maybe that’s part of it because I still haven’t had that experience. Somebody like Indiana Jones, well the one in the Raiders of the Lost Ark, seems so cool to me.

Please Share Your Thoughts

(11:54):
I’d love to know your thoughts about this; please comment below. Now that I’m just thinking about this, it might be that I would be attracted to a healthy person. Just nobody has shown up that was available to date. That’s actually probably what’s going on. S

orry, it took me this time to like process that and think about like, why am I still attracted to Indiana Jones? This is ridiculous. You know why? It’s because a healthy man in real life has not asked me on a date. I’m guessing I would find them attractive. I don’t know. I guess if that happens, I’ll let you know. But in the meantime, I’d love to know what you think. And until next week, stay safe out there.

MORE…

7 Comments

  1. Hi Ann! I have been listening to your podcasts since 2018, and have not missed very many episodes. I remember way back when when your dad was filtering the emails from your ex, my sister did the same. And all the ups and downs you’ve had throughout the years. I just had to say listening to today’s podcast, the one with Indiana Jones, I am just smiling so big right now. You sound so healthy. So authentic. So healed. I feel like I’ve been on this journey with you, although it’s one-sided, because I feel like I know you, and you don’t know me. But I just felt compelled to say something. Thank you thank you thank you, you have changed my life. Now, specifically about the Indiana Jones attraction. I do think you were on it at the end, and I do think you would be attracted to a safe man if that person came into your life. And part of me hopes, for all of us, that that safe man is as sexy as someone like Indiana Jones.

    Reply
    • Hahaha! Yes! Let’s hope that safe man is as sexy as Indiana! I love it!

      I’m so glad to hear that you’ve been on this journey with me! Thank you so, so much for your support!!!

      Reply
  2. I understand you and hope that one day, love and the physical part/intimacy will return. I met my husband at church. He was once a deacon. I was in my 50’s when my horrific D-day happened. I was shocked when I started to discover all of the different levels of deceit. The world glorifies all kinds of betrayal and unfaithfulness, I never in a million years thought I would be involved. I thought my husband loved me.

    But after 30 years of “marriage,” through reading the books on your books page about abuse, and personal individual coaching with one of BTR.ORG coaches, I realized my husband is abusive, and he groomed me from the beginning in order to exploit me. He was never interested in an equal relationship with me.

    I did all that I could as a Christian to restore my marriage and forgave him. However, he did not. I’m still in the relationship. I truly loved and kept every one of my wedding vows. I have a detachment boundary. He does not touch me in any way. His online infidelity ruined everything. It destroyed trust and closeness—I could no longer connect with him emotionally or physically. God removed any intimacy or thoughts from my mind as a survival technique. I have no hate for him. My focus is on my own faith and 2 adult children.

    Because of the level of his deceit, I don’t think I could trust a man again. I have absolutely no desire for physical contact, after being rejected by him and repulsed by what he preferred online. A young woman that I know told me that her boyfriend had been lying and mentally abusive, I saw all the patterns. I told her to RUN. She is now moving out. Anyone who has been through this understands the level of hurt that online infidelity and emotional betrayal can have.

    Reply
  3. I’m rather new to your podcast. I’m now divorced, living separately from my ex, and still experiencing abuse through what the ex does to our teenaged son and his access to me via our custody situation. (It doesn’t matter what legal documents he has signed. He does not feel he needs to follow those because I made one exception once and let him deviate from the schedule.) I’m more affected by that now.

    I’m 53.

    I really related to this podcast. When I married, I consciously tried to find someone not like my father. My dad was definitely the outdoors type, getting dirty doing farm stuff, and yelling at everyone, whether we were outside “helping” or inside doing whatever we were doing. I married a computer scientist from India. He is an intellectual type, high earning, and definitely not like my father on the outside. On the inside, they’re similar in that they never apologize for their bad behavior. They are entitled to their behavior. They are entitled to treat women and their children like they do because they are men, or so it seems to me.

    Like you, I’m not interested in dating, and I’m confused about who I’m attracted to. Basically, I mistrust men (and some women too). There’s been one guy since. He’d been my friend for a long time. I thought he was kind. I knew he was emotionally unavailable, and so I thought I wouldn’t get attached to him. I tried to move on after my marriage ended, but it’s hard because the damage that was done in the marriage still feels really present. My ex was addicted to being online, and I realized much later how much of that was about looking at other women, messaging them, and creating this fantasy life that didn’t involve me. It ruined what little intimacy we had left. Every time I tried to bring it up, I was dismissed, like I was imagining things or overreacting. I don’t think he even saw the damage it caused because to him, it wasn’t something that should bother me, but it did. It made me feel invisible, like I wasn’t enough for him or anyone. That was just one part of the harm, but it was a big one. How do you rebuild trust in anyone after that? Anyway, now I’m just very confused about men and relationships in general. I figure that I’m not ready when I’m still trying to get out of my trauma about the decades with the ex.

    Reply
  4. Hi Anne, thank you for this episode!! You beautifully stated exactly where I am right now. I have questioned whether I am strange because of losing all sexual interest. Similar to Lisa, above, I refuse to let my husband touch me in any way, unable to leave at this point.
    Thank you, thank you!!

    Reply
  5. Hi Anne — attraction to fictional characters like Indiana Jones is completely normal! It’s fantasy, just like dressing up like a princess is for little girls.

    It’s OK to appreciate Indy’s looks and moves. That involves just feelings, which we can’t control.

    Behavior, acting on these feeing, is different as we make conscious choices.

    In real life, you are conscious of the fictional character’s flaws and know he isn’t husband material. I hope you continue to enjoy the the attraction feelings to Indy from Raiders.

    P.S. I started dating at 52, after leaving my husband who cheated on me with more than 2 dozen people. It’s been a positive, healing experience.

    Reply
  6. Thank you for this, and all episodes. For the record, this is the single most helpful resource I’ve ever found in dealing with betrayal trauma, and I’ve used MANY resources. As for this episode, I feel in so many ways like I could’ve written it myself, if you replace Indiana Jones with Thor!

    I’ve been divorced for nearly seven years now. I am definitely still attracted to men (probably the wrong, manly/handsome types) but I also don’t have a strong desire to marry again. Sometimes I want to, but most of the time I feel content living a peaceful life with my kids. I do half-joke with my friends that I am asexual. I do want a sexual relationship again, but only in the context of a safe and healthy marriage. I date from time to time, but even when he seems healthy and kind, I get panic attacks. It’s hard to think about marriage when even going on dates is still terrifying. It’s a strange place to be, and I’m not so much “figuring it out” as “fumbling about.”

    And like you, I hope I can recognize “healthy” and would choose it, but I sincerely don’t know. I’ve never had that experience and so I think I still have a strong fear of being lied to again, manipulated again. I believe in healthy men like I believe in unicorns. They’re out there somewhere… right?

    Reply

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