Facing your husband’s emotional abuse is gut wrenching. But it’s even harder when so-called helpers say things that make it worse. Here’s what you need to know about emotional battering you may experience from others.

To learn if you are a victim of emotional battering, take this free emotional abuse quiz.

What Is Emotional Battering?

Emotional battering is a consistent pattern of words, actions, or behaviors intended to diminish, manipulate, or control a person. Unlike physical abuse, emotional battering is more subtle and insidious—making it difficult to identify and even harder to explain to others. Your husband might lie to you constantly, manipulate you through kindness or fake loving acts. He may invalidate your feelings, or destroy your confidence with constant criticism and contempt.

Worse, he may involve others, so you experience emotional battering from people in your church congregation or even neighbors. If you’re experiencing emotional battering from by-standers regarding your husband’s behavior, you need support. Attend a Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Session TODAY.

Common Emotional Abuse Tactics

Being married and experiencing emotional battering by your husband means navigating daily complexities that are draining and painful. Some common tactics include:

• Gaslighting: Making you question your memory, reality, or perceptions. For example, he may say, “I never said that,” even when you vividly remember he did.
• Constant Criticism: Regularly pointing out flaws, whether it’s your cooking, appearance, or parenting, to damage your confidence.
• Blame Shifting: Making you feel responsible for his behavior or blaming you for problems in the relationship.
• Stonewalling or Silent Treatment: Refusing to engage in meaningful conversations, leaving you feeling invalidated and powerless.
• Public Embarrassment: Mocking or undermining you in front of friends or family to isolate you and damage your self-esteem.
• Emotional Withholding: Withholding affection, love, or support to punish or control you.

How Others May Be Pulled Into Emotional Battering

Often, emotionally abusive men are charming to others but cruel behind closed doors. This charm can lead others—friends, family, or even counselors—to unknowingly contribute to your emotional battering. Here’s how:

• Enablers: Some people might dismiss your claims because they see him as a “good guy” and can’t imagine him being abusive. Phrases like “He seems like such a great husband” feel invalidating and painful.
• Flying Monkeys: These are people he influences to support his narrative. They might approach you with statements like “You’re overreacting” or “He’s just under a lot of stress” or “You’re lying, he would never do that.”
• Well-Meaning but Harmful Advice: Comments like “Marriage takes compromise” or “Have you tried being more understanding?” Can make you feel the abuse is your fault or that you’re not doing enough.
• Social Isolation: He may paint you as overly sensitive, dramatic, or clingy to others, isolating you from the support you need.

Signs You May Be A Victim Of Emotional Battering

It’s important to understand the symptoms of emotional abuse. If these resonate with you, you may be experiencing emotional battering:

• Constantly doubting yourself and your decisions.
• Feeling like you’re “walking on eggshells” around your husband.
• Experiencing anxiety or depression as a result of the relationship.
• Struggling to explain his behavior to friends or family because he’s outwardly charming.
• Feeling isolated or unsupported, even by those close to you.

Transcript: Emotional Battering: The Invisible Abuse No One Can See

Anne: I love hanging out with my good friend, Kate, and today we’re talking about emotional battering, the invisible abuse that people need to understand. Now we get an emotional battering from our emotionally abusive husband. Sometimes he says it with the kindest loving voice. That is so distressing. And then sometimes people who either care about us or try to undermine us say things that feel like emotional battering when we’re going through this.

We’re actually going to focus on that today. The emotional battering that we receive from friends, family, church members, or even neighbors. Where either well-meaning people say something, they don’t realize how hurtful it is. Or they are trying to undermine us.

Strategic Responses To Emotional Battering

Anne: To learn how to respond to emotional battering in strategic ways, enroll in The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Living Free Workshop. Because most of the responses we suggest today are just for our own entertainment and for the way we can think about it in our head. But not how we would respond, because it’s not strategic to respond in this way.

Kate: Yes!

Anne: And when you enroll in The Living Free Workshop, I’ll explain why it’s not strategic to respond in this way. So again, what we say today is not what you should actually say to their faces. It’s just something you can think inside your head to make you feel better. Okay.

Well-Meaning But Hurtful Comments

Anne: So Kate, when it comes to emotional battering, what do some well-meaning people say that just cuts really deep?

Kate: “Oh, you shouldn’t out your husband.”

Anne: When they say, “out”, they mean you shouldn’t tell people the truth about what’s going on.

Kate: If I say at church or anywhere that my husband is a addict, I’ve had people tell me, “Oh, you shouldn’t out your husband like that.” I’m like, “What? If he didn’t want to be outed, he shouldn’t have done it.”

Anne: I know, and I shouldn’t have married him apparently.

Kate: I love my story, I get to say whatever I want. It happened to me. He made his bed.

Anne: And he shouldn’t have looked at it. So we’re even.

Kate: If he didn’t want it, he shouldn’t have done it.

Anne: Here’s another one a lot of people say, “He just needs your support.”

Kate: Blech!

Anne: Yeah, when we’re going for help, we’re telling people what’s going on, and they come back at us with a statement. Like if someone’s in addiction, they’re going to need your support and help. That feels like emotional battering. My face gets hot, my stomach clenches. It feels terrible. When I hear he’s going to need your support. I think in my head. Like what matters right now is what I need. I need his honesty. I need his fidelity.

Kate: I’m like, “Support? What kind of support are you thinking? You mean, like the first two years we were married, where I gave him so much love and support, and it was amazing? And then he lied.”

The Reality Of Supporting An Addict

Anne: I supported his butt out of the house.

Kate: I supported him by doing what was best for me.

Anne: Which was best for him.

Kate: Yes.

Anne: This one I’ve actually said to people, but I couldn’t say it with a smile on my face. I was saying it out of pain. I said something like, “No one should ever ask a victim to support their abuser, ever.” It is important to point this out so women know how to recognize victim blaming.

Kate: It’s so true. What do you mean to support him? You mean what I’ve already done for so long and it didn’t work? We’ve given them so much support.

Anne: Yeah for me, I was managing things, so well. Supporting him so much that I didn’t realize how bad it was. Because I was managing the situation so well. Also those general principles that everybody tells us, like love, serve, forgive and support. They are like principles I believe into my core. So I wasn’t willing to ditch those right off the bat and go with safety. I mean, I had to try it. I had to try supporting him.

So I had to try making his therapy appointments and all that to get, to gain my own realization. That it was not going to work. What do you think? Have you ever met a woman who just went straight to boundaries.

Kate: No, actually. I think it’s kind of normal. And I don’t necessarily see it as a bad thing. I see it as you have to try this one way to know it doesn’t work. It’s not just religious. All culture is like, “Oh, you got to support your husband. You got to be the good wife.” We are loving people, and we try it. Of course, we’ll want to help someone.

Emotional Battering: The Chocolate Cake Analogy

Kate: Let’s say our husbands were healthy people and struggling. It would be good for us to help them. But yeah, we have to learn that our help will not help them like we think it will.

Anne: Let’s say you bought a giant chocolate cake from Costco once a week. And your husband. Is like, Hey, I don’t want to eat chocolate cake anymore. Would you mind helping me? You’re like, “Sure, what can I do?” And he says, “Would you mind not buying chocolate cake from Costco every week?” And you’re like, yeah. No problem, happy to do that. And then he’s grateful. and he says, “Thank you for not buying chocolate cake. I super appreciate it.”

And that’s it. You don’t buy the cake. He doesn’t need it. No big deal. When he ate chocolate cake, it didn’t hurt you. And it’s no big deal to not buy it. But with viewing explicit content he’s essentially gaslighting you and victim blaming you saying. “I need help not hurting you,” which is essentially saying, “If you did something different, I wouldn’t hurt you”.

Kate: Exactly, it comes from the entitlement and resentments, so frustrating.

Unhelpful Reactions From Others

Anne: Another one I encountered was a woman who lived in my ex’s neighborhood, and I knew her from before. ” I said, I’m concerned about my kids. Can you keep an eye out for them?” I told her a little bit, and the whole time she looked uncomfortable. Instead of saying, “Of course, I’ll keep an eye out for them. This must be stressful to you!”

She said, “It’s okay. I don’t know why you’re freaking out. Your kids are going to be fine.” I couldn’t think of anything to say in that moment. I don’t know if I should have said anything. I think I might’ve said, “It’s not okay. It’s not okay.” Then I just walked off because I was super mad.

Kate: That makes no sense. I think I would have been like, “Thank you, I feel so much better! Yes, that is so helpful. Okay, not freaking out now.” Then just walk away with this ridiculous fake smile.

Anne: You know what’s crazy? You saying it’s gonna be okay erases all the facts. I appreciate you waving your magic wand of the words, it’s okay, which apparently in your mind are magic and they make facts disappear, thank you.

Kate: “You just magically made my husband better. Thanks!”

Anne: “Or the situation, is now fine. Yeah, thanks.” Other things you can think of?

The Misuse Of Forgiveness

Kate: Forgiveness, “Just have a little more forgiveness for your husband.”

Anne: When people say ‘forgiveness’ now, do you know Hamilton?

Kate: Yes.

Anne: ♫Forgiveness♫ I’m not singing it right because I can’t sing, but that word, when they sing it like that, it’s like this burst of peace coming through and happiness. It feels cool in the musical. For those familiar with Hamilton, you might know what I’m talking about. If you don’t, sorry, I didn’t mean to ruin it for you.

Kate: Actually, when you said Hamilton, I was thinking of the stand up comedy from Katherine Ryan. I don’t know if I can watch Hamilton now because I will be thinking of her the entire time.

Anne: Wait. When I said Hamilton, you were thinking who?

Kate: Katherine Ryan does a stand up about Hamilton. She calls out the misogynistic crap in some of the parts. It is so funny. Anyway, sorry, sidetracked… the forgiveness. I’m like, “What do you mean forgiveness?” If it was something that was in the past and the threat was over, I could maybe understand. Even then, it’s still nobody else’s business. Forgiveness is not like all of a sudden, “okay, I’m done.”

Sometimes it’s like baby steps. There are so many little things to forgive. It’s not just one big lump thing. So when someone says forgiveness, I’m like, “yes, maybe when the threat is over and I’ve had time to cool down.”

Anne: Like how is me forgiving him going to stop him from harming me? This is the truth about forgiving abuse.

Kate: Yeah, it doesn’t make any sense.

Anne: I think this is a useful exercise. Forcing forgiveness is an effect of spiritual abuse.

Emotional Battering From Unsafe People

Anne: There are safe people who we could actually have a conversation, explain how we feel, and talk about these things. They would be like, “Oh, yes. I’ve never thought about that before and I totally see it. I’m so sorry.”

I have a super good friend who when neither of us knew what was happening, she said all the wrong things. But when I started talking to her about it and how I felt, she got it. She’s a safe person because she understood. She was like, “I can’t believe I said that stuff to you. I am so sorry. I was only trying to be helpful and I totally missed the boat.”

The problem with trying to have a witty comeback or just the right thing to say to someone when they don’t understand is number one, you could hurt a safe person. Like if you’re snarky or sarcastic, it could actually hurt their feelings, and then it could push safe people away. The second thing is that if they’re never gonna be a safe person, you’re just setting yourself up for your abuser to groom other people around you that it’s your fault. They’ll think, “What is wrong with her? She’s rude.”

Or, ” She doesn’t forgive. She doesn’t live a biblical life. Doesn’t she know she’s supposed to submit?”

Kate: ” She’s must be so mean. Oh, the poor husband!”

People Feel Sorry For Husbands

Anne: I think in, at least our church culture, Kate and I have the same faith, a very outspoken woman, sometimes people feel sorry for her husband. Do you think that?

Kate: Oh my gosh, yes. A million times over, yes. They will always feel way more sorry for the man than the woman. It’s obnoxious. Even my own family has done it. Everybody knows, it’s not a secret,

Anne: But

Kate: There was one time I mentioned in front of family members. He’s sitting right next to me. He knows this. I know this. But my sister ended up telling me, “You called out your husband?” They were feeling so bad for him, because he just sat there and didn’t say anything. He looked so embarrassed. I ended up asking my husband, “Were you embarrassed?” He’s like, “What? No.” He ended up actually writing them all a email.

I mean, he sent it before he even told me he was going to do it. He basically was like, “No, I have ruined her life. I’ve done this, I’ve done this, I’ve done this. She’s still allowed to tell whoever she wants.” It was very validating, but it’s still frustrating, because even though he sent that email, I guarantee most people would still be like, “Yeah, but she must be so controlling. Maybe she forced him to write that email?” Or, “Oh, poor, poor man.” It’s frustrating.

Go To A BTR Group Session To Process Hurtful Comments

Anne: In our faith, it seems like a lot of the men might go in and confess to their clergy or something, and instead of getting some type of, “Whoa, this is serious. You are not following Jesus at all. Maybe we need to protect people from you because your behavior is pretty atrocious.” Instead of saying that a lot of times they’ll tell these abusers, “Oh, you’re not really that bad. You’re great.”

Kate: “Oh, you just need more church. Go to the temple. Here, we’ll give you a calling; this will help you.”

Anne: “Volunteer more. ” Yeah, exactly. If you need to process your own trauma through thinking, “Okay, these are the things I could have said.” Talk to your friends. Talk to Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Session clients in a group session. because When someone says something like that to you, it causes an injury. Sometimes it can be pretty extreme. Sometimes it can be minor. It depends on where you are in your trauma healing process.

Like now when people say stuff to me, the injury to me is a lot less than it used to be. But, to validate people who are like, “Why do these little comments the nice, 80 year old woman at church tells me, or my neighbor hurt me so much?” Maybe to just validate women and say, “Of course, they’re going to hurt you. Of course, you’re going to need to process it.”

You’re going to go through this time in your head where you think, “What could I have said back to this person that could have either educated them or put them in their place?”

Strategies To Respond To Emotional Battering

Anne: You don’t want to put an 80 year old woman in her place, that’s just not nice. And if they really, truly don’t want to get it, then educating them isn’t going to work. So validate that we need to process it. Then, to consider that it’s not our job, and we don’t have to worry about educating other people or putting them in their place.

Kate: I think it’s beneficial to come up with the witty comments, but not necessarily to say them, because it doesn’t ever really help. I love coming up with the funny comments, but it’s more fun to then tell it to friends afterwards. It’s more funny then because that way you’re not hurting other people. But you can still find some humor in it so it doesn’t feel so heavy.

I know that in some circumstances it is best not to say much. Because they’re going to try to make you in the wrong no matter what. There are many circumstances where I prefer to be vulnerable, not necessarily for them, but for me. Even if it’s just as simple as, “Oh, that kind of hurt my feelings.” Or, “Well, he’s hurt me a lot. I’m still processing.” I like to be vulnerable. That’s empowering for me. It actually gets the better responses from people, where they’re not defensive.

Anne: Rather than a snarky, sarcastic one.

Kate: They’re still not going to always want to learn, but it might help them think twice. But again, that’s not the reason. The reason is because it empowers me to be honest.

Anne: I think being honest is always a good idea. My concern is safety.

Engaging In Conversations About Trauma

Anne: Could you put yourself in a place where you could be harmed by that person? We might think, “Oh, I’m not safe to say this to someone.” If we say, “I’m super sad because my husband is abusive.” If they don’t like us, however they felt before is how they’re going to feel after. It’s not like suddenly they’re going to be like, wow, I like you now, or I don’t like you now.

You’re not going to change someone who really liked you and cared about you to someone who doesn’t like you and cared about you.

Kate: Yeah, it does. I also think when it comes to safety, a lot of times I find that safety within me. Yes, somebody might make me feel unsafe, but it doesn’t make me feel unsafe to the point where I’m not going to say, “Hey, that hurt my feelings.” I’m still safe enough to do that, because it’s more empowering for me later on. It’s hard to explain. It’s hard to put this in words.

I have not come across a time where I have been honest and vulnerable, and it made me more unsafe. And I was like, I shouldn’t have done that. Because I always learned from it. This isn’t going to work for everybody. I’m not saying everybody should be like this, because there are some horrible people out there. Sometimes the best thing is to not say anything.

Deciding If It’s Safe To Share Trauma

Anne: I think I was like that more at the beginning when I discovered about my ex husband’s addiction. I’d see somebody at Costco and they’d be like, “How are you?” I’d be like, “Really bad, I just found out my husband lied to me for six years, and he’s using pornography, and it stinks. But it’s super good to see you. How are you doing?”

After that, they’d be like, “uh?” So I would do this quite a bit in the beginning, and now I’m less like that. Number one, because I’m not living in my trauma as much anymore. If they asked me, how am I doing today? I’d be like, “Great, I’m doing great. I ate a vegetable.”

You know, it’s not like the thing on my mind. So it would be easy for me to talk about something else. I think I’ve learned to be a little more guarded, because I thought shouting it to the world would bring safety. If everybody knew, how could he do it? I realized that did not keep me safe. So for that reason, I think about safety a little differently than I thought before.

Kate: It doesn’t go over too well when you’re like, “You know what? My husband just lied to me, and so I’m a little upset. I just found out he’s a big fat liar.”

Anne: It goes over super well in Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Sessions, or with a close friend, like Kate, who understands it.

When Experiencing Emotional Battering Balance Honesty & Safety

Anne: So if you have a safe place to go, then yeah, share it there.

Kate: I think you can still be honest in those circumstances without actually saying all of it. You could just say, “You know what? Eh, I’m so so. I’m alive. I’m okay.” You don’t have to be like, “I’m great.” Then be like, “I’m dying inside.” You can still find ways to be honest.

Anne: Saying something like, “Things are really, really hard for me right now.” And if they say, “Oh, what’s wrong?”

Be like, ” I can tell you want to help and you care about me by asking me, but talking about it’s not going to help. You know what would help? If you fix my sprinklers. Or, bring me a pizza.

Kate: That one would be great.

Anne: We’re just exploring this together and that’s what the podcast is for.