Have you been told to “forgive and forget” abuse and betrayal? You’re not alone. Women in the Betrayal Trauma Recovery Community have been spiritually and emotionally abused by clergy, therapists, and others who have pushed them toward forgiving abuse as a means to make the victim pay for the abuser’s actions.
Valerie Hudson, a distinguished professor and champion for women’s rights, sheds a new perspective on what forgiveness actually means in the context of abuse and betrayal.
Forgiveness vs. Reconciliation (They’re Not The Same Thing)
“Forgiveness is between you and God. Reconciliation is between you, God, and the abuser, and I think this is where the confusion comes in. I think people are using the term forgiveness when they really mean reconciliation, and they’re confusing these two concepts… And because it has nothing to do with the abuser, forgiveness does not mean that you have to return to a relationship with your abuser. It does not mean that you have to lower your barriers to an abuser and invite them back into your life.”
Valerie Hudson, university distinguished professor & champion for women’s rights
BTR is inter-paradigm, religious and non-religious victims can accept reconciliation is not only unnecessary but inadvisable in working toward the process of forgiving abuse.
Forgiveness does not mean:
- Staying in a relationship with your abuser
- Spending time with your abuser
- Accepting responsibility for your abuser’s choices
- Continuing to associate with your abuser’s family and friends
- Continuing to associate or attend community or religious services in the same location as your abuser
- Staying legally married to your abuser even if you are living separately
Forgiveness & “Turning the Other Cheek”
When clergy and religious therapists counsel women to “turn the other cheek” or relinquish judgment against their abusers, they are putting victims in danger. Valerie explains that “turning the other cheek” simply doesn’t make sense in the context of abuse and betrayal:
“If a man has molested your 10-year-old, do not offer your six-year-old as well. If your husband has broken your left ribs don’t offer him your right ribs to break as well. If a rapist enters your home to attack you and you shoot him dead, that’s not a failure of turning the other cheek. And I really think that if a Christian woman gets on her knees and asks God, God will tell her in no uncertain terms no, I do not want you to be abused. That’s not what this example of smiting the other cheek means.”
Valerie Hudson, university distinguished professor and champion for women’s rights
Instead, victims can hold abusers accountable by:
- Reporting crime
- Distancing themselves from abuse
Forgiveness is About Justice – Not Mercy
Ultimately, forgiveness is about justice, not mercy.
Trauma victims can find solace is accepting that it isn’t their responsibility to grant mercy to their abusers – it’s their duty to hold abusers accountable for the abuse. While this may feel daunting, victims can take small steps to seek safety.
Choosing to believe in natural consequences while taking empowering steps toward safety is the process of forgiveness.
Harmful societal scripts that place the burden of reconciliation on traumatized victims can be difficult to work through and grow out of – victims need a safe place to process trauma and create healthier ways to begin healing.
Attend a Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Session TODAY and find the community that you need to help you on your healing journey today.
So good to hear the difference between forgiveness and reconciliation.
And the way you finished saying the worst thing you could do to an abuser is to let him abuse you. Wow so much to think about . . .
The part where one of the hosts says to let god do the justice – sounds an awful lot like saying “don’t press charges.”
Thanks for your comment. I’m the host, and I always encourage women to report. However, since often times reporting doesn’t result in justice – I also encourage women of faith to pray for deliverance and justice:). I do not want women to not press charges. Also, with covert abuse, like emotional and psychological abuse, there isn’t a “reportable crime”. I think that what the abuser has done is so damaging, it’s criminal. I wish the law would recognize it as emotional and psychological abuse, or even fraud. But since they don’t, sometimes reporting isn’t an option.