Husband future faking is when a husband uses promises about the future (trips, counseling, moving, budgets, a baby, “I’ll change”) to control what you do today, delaying consequences, buying time, and keeping access, without producing consistent, verifiable change.
Future faking = promises now, no follow-through later.
- It spikes after discovery (you catch lies, porn, affairs, money issues).
- Real change is quiet, boring, measurable for months, not speeches.
- Protect your safety and watch behavior.
10 Signs Your Husband Is Future Faking
- Vague timelines: “Soon,” “after things calm down,” no date ever sticks.
- You do the labor: You plan/pay while he “tries.” Brief performance, then slide.
- Story keeps shifting: New reasons each week why the plan moved.
- No transparency: Secret devices, hidden accounts, locked phone habits.
- Grand gestures after discovery: Big promise wave right after you find evidence.
- Love-bomb sandwich: Promise → short effort → quiet backslide → new promise.
- Pressure to trust, not verify: You’re “negative” if you ask for proof.
- Budget “tomorrow,” spending “today”: Money talks don’t match transactions.
- Therapy as theater: He “goes to therapy,” but honesty and access never change.
- Your gut stays tense: Your body doesn’t feel safer despite the speeches.
Future Faking vs. Real Change (side-by-side)
| Future Faking (Control) | Real Change (Safety) |
|---|---|
| Big speeches, airy timelines | He does the thing. |
| You carry logistics & cost | He does it and pays for it. |
| Secret phones/finances | Full access (devices, locations, budget) |
| Mood swings around scrutiny | The thing he said would be done is done. |
| Short “streaks,” then relapse | Months of consistency, verified |
To see if it’s real, you don’t need to chase updates. The thing he spoke about will come to fruition without you checking up on it.
Why Husbands Future Fake
- Delay consequences: Pause separation, legal steps, or financial boundaries.
- Maintain access: Home, money, sex, reputation, kids.
- Manage your emotions: Replace your alarm with hope—then run the same play again.
How to Know If He’s Future Faking
Document behavior, not speeches
Create a promise log (date → promise → deadline → outcome → notes). Screenshot texts, calendar invites, bank statements. Patterns beat arguments.
Move from talk to tests
In your mind, move to thinking about observable checkpoints (e.g., “By [date], I’ll check to see if I have access to the bank account.”)
(Notice: no threats, no explanations. You protect your peace and watch behavior.)
Examples of Husband Future Faking
- “We’ll start counseling next month.”
- “I’ll quit porn; you have to trust me.”
- “I’ll fix the money stuff.”
FAQs About Husband Future Faking
Is husband future faking a form of emotional abuse?
Yes. It manipulates your decisions today with promises that rarely materialize, keeping you in harm’s way emotionally.
How long should I wait for “real change”?
Look for months of quiet, consistent, verifiable behavior, without you bringing it up again.
Should I confront him about future faking?
Debate often feeds the cycle. Document, set boundaries, and observe from a safe distance.
Next steps (support that centers your safety)
- Living Free Workshop: step-by-step effective boundaries (thought, action, communication) with practical examples.
- BTR Group Sessions: live, daily online groups to support you.
- Free Emotional Abuse Quiz on btr.org to name what’s happening and get tailored resources.
Transcript: Is Your Husband Future Faking? Here’s How To Tell
Anne: So, I have a member of our community on today’s episode. We’re gonna call her Mackenzie. Welcome.
Mackenzie: So I happened to be at a conference, and there was a wonderful speaker there, and she introduced him. She talked a little bit about his story and sort of a larger context. And she’s a wonderful speaker and writer. She really sold him. So when I met him in person a month later. I had such a favorable impression.
Anne: This happens with people who maybe get set up or people who attend the same congregation or workplace. Where his reputation sort of precedes him. It’s coming from other people, there’s kind of an automatic trust, because other people have vouched for him ahead of you meeting him.
Mackenzie: Absolutely, yeah, when you have multiple solid professionals, people in the public eye. Who have these favorable relationships. There was a counselor, and they were a strong supporter, even financially with some of his work. So there was just a legitimacy.
Early Red Flags of Husband Future Faking
Mackenzie: Is my husband a jerk? And now with the benefit of hindsight, and more than a decade later, I can see that he carefully crafted this image. At least at the time I met him, he had done a pretty good job of it. He had obtained some prestigious fellowships. You know, you’re like, how did I not see it? But the truth is, how did they not see it? I was new in that space with important people surrounding him, and he really exploited that.
I felt a little awestruck that he and I would have a conversation. Our relationship developed because he reached out and asked me to be part of these different groups. I think he added me on social media, and sent me a message. He started to ask me to do things, and I think that’s really important, because it was a low time in my life. And feeling like I could make a difference for a cause greater than myself was appealing.
I was at the tail end of being part of a religious group, and I was looking for a place to belong. You hear a story of suffering, pain, and injustice. Regardless of the origin of the story, there’s a tenancy toward wanting to help. He wanted to use my speaking and writing skills for his organization. Kind of an informal, volunteer sort of thing. We would have different touch points, whether it was like a meeting, action or activity. He was definitely orchestrating the crossing of paths.
How Husband Future Faking Lures You In (Moving In, Promises, and Red Flags)
Mackenzie: I was taking the LSAT. I had ambitions of being a lawyer. I think he felt that between my skills with writing, speaking, and then studying the law, I would be really helpful. Whether it was can you write this grant proposal for me? When you’re a good writer, it’s apparently an in demand skill that not great people want to access for themselves.
It was a perfect storm. I had no idea what I was getting involved with, none. Never in my wildest dreams did I believe that a person who presented like this could use other people around them to cover up. I was really, really conflicted when he showed interest.
Anne: Talk more about the conflict you experienced.
Mackenzie: He claimed he and his ex spouse had attorneys working on their case. We are separated, it’s nearly done. I was so naive. He began to ask me, do you want to live with me in this fancy high rise apartment downtown? He didn’t live there, and he never ended up living there. Because he was future faking.
Anne: Also, there’s probably some manipulation in terms of flattery. This person everybody else says is amazing, thinks I’m worth his attention. And this is how good they are at manipulation.
Mackenzie: Yeah, it’s true. I wasn’t in need of anything from him. But I was lonely. I moved in with him. I had never had intercourse before. And I had my own career.
Around the time I was like, it’s just not working. It’s just toxic. Too much conflict. I found out I was expecting my child. And I was raised in an environment where a two parent family is everything.
Discovering the Truth: When Husband Future Faking Turns Into Betrayal
Makenzie: I was trying my hardest to make that work for what I believed was the right thing for my child. I even remember like a physical change in myself, the night I found out I was expecting. It was like I couldn’t fully stand up for myself anymore with him. I had to change myself so that he would respond more favorably. So that the environment for our child and me would be safer.
I know now that’s not good. At the time, I thought I would work hard to help better our lives. When I knew something was really, really wrong, though. In the middle of my pregnancy, he was asleep and it was late. He locked his phone down. I’ve never met another person who locked down their devices to this degree. Who took them everywhere, bathroom, anywhere.
I somehow got in his phone, and I found a conversation with a stranger, aggressively soliciting for it. And I was like in shock. I mean, I’m pregnant, and I’m terrified. I’m like, I need to get tested for STDs. You know, a range of thoughts. I was like shaking, and then I went and woke him up and confronted him. Probably the dumbest thing I could have done. And he just kind of sat there for a long time, and then he told me a story.
He was trying to entrap the police, by reverse stinging their stings. The next day I had work, and after work I stayed somewhere else. I was like, I need to think. And then within a few days, I joined affair therapy groups and stuff.
If your husband is acting like a jerk and you need live support, attend a Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Session today.
After the Promises: Therapy, Financial Abuse, and Husband Future Faking
Mackenzie: Abuse wasn’t part of the conversation. It was a lot of just focusing on what you can do for yourself in your own situation. That’s the irony, I’m stuck in this dude’s mess. In the distraction of therapy groups, . And, I end up like, you know, moving back with him.
Anne: You don’t know what you don’t know.
Mackenzie: No, you don’t! Exactly! And when you’re raised in that church environment, you’re taught to trust people. I’m not looking for something I don’t know exists.
Anne: Yeah, a church setting, they’re not like, this is wickedness.
Mackenzie: Right.
Anne: Avoid these people in your own home. They’re more like, there’s these bad people outside that are like, far away from us.
Mackenzie: Right, the others.
Anne: Yeah, exactly, rather than your own husband, or partner.
Mackenzie: Yeah.
Anne: The person close to you, is he a jerk or an evil person?
Mackenzie: Exactly, he’s the person you’re supposed to trust and rely on. So at the end of the year that our child was born. My partner had a car accident and sustained a traumatic brain injury. This accident changed everything we were doing. And any negative that was going on before was amplified. And then there were quite a few new issues.
He had extensive amounts of therapies: Neuropsychologists, physical therapy, occupational therapy, speech therapy, cognitive therapy. This became part of our life for several years, both in a hospital, in an outpatient setting, and then even in our home. We had therapists coming through the home. So through this, we did couples counseling. We actually got referred to what was supposedly one of the top couples counselors in this whole health system.
Why Couples Counseling Often Misses Husband Future Faking and Covert Abuse
Mackenzie: I like cleared an entire day of work. I was no longer going to work on Wednesdays, because we were going to go to couples counseling. And it was a huge deal. I had to like find childcare and all this stuff. Our case completely perplexed them. And after a few months, he told me he was “too sick” to go to counseling. And I put too sick in quote marks because he was not too sick to go to the Apple store.
Yes, after his accident, he never went back to work. Not only did he not financially contribute in any meaningful way. He began to drain our finances to an extreme amount using various Apps and games. I mean, like hundreds and thousands of dollars were going missing. It was insane. Was it something like gambling? I’ll never truly know everything. He even used cryptocurrency.
Then a couple of years later, just before we split, we did couples therapy again. I was so ambivalent by that point. I remember the therapist repeating seems like you don’t know you could go either way. And I was so numbed out by that point because of the amount of discoveries I’d found. Just outrageous behavior, betrayals, and frightening stuff.
I tried to talk about a lot of it in counseling. But, in the counseling sphere, I don’t think abuse was brought up, and I had several counselors.
The Final Straw: When Husband Future Faking Escalates to Criminal or Dangerous Behavior
Mackenzie: The most disturbing discovery I made was that he had conversations with teenagers on Snapchat, in texts. And I’m finding this out piecemeal, by having a computer left up. He was very, very shrewd and secretive, extremely secretive. I found he was sending pictures of our child, using our child as part of grooming someone else. I was outraged. And that was the point, enough things had happened. I decided I am not going to confront him about this.
Anne: Ah, using the Betrayal Trauma Recovery Living Free Workshop strategies.
Mackenzie: Absolutely, so it took me a little over a year. I did some big career moves, I prepared in secret. I wanted to sustain myself and my child. We weren’t married, but in our state, there is this common law factor. Due to so much interaction with the medical system. He had encouraged me to begin to refer to him as my husband. It was calculated.
The last couple’s counselor, the last time I talked with her, I called her and I was so apologetic. I’m like, I’m so sorry. I know I did not cancel with 24 hours notice, we’re not going to be able to have our couples counseling session today because I’m trying to see if there’s a tracker on my car.
Anne: Yeah, that is crazy that you went to multiple therapists and none of them identified it as abuse.
Mackenzie: I know, I could go on and on about post separation abuse and legal problems. I learned later, thanks to the IRS, about actual criminal activity. He was caught red handed through Snapchat and Instagram. Yeah, he was sentenced to decades in prison.
Breaking Free from Husband Future Faking: Legal Protection and Safety Planning
Mackenzie: I got a protective order when I left. I spent beyond my life savings on legal fees to protect myself and my child. Because I realized, this person was so destructive. I mean, I haven’t even mentioned there’s assault. There’s so many things, but this person was just hell bent on destruction and doing what they wanted to do. And I needed to protect myself and my child.
That’s why I filed for divorce from someone I wasn’t married to, because I wanted a legal end to any connection with this person. Because they’re terrifying, like, absolutely terrifying. Like, when I left, he stalked me, actually showed up at my workplace looking for me. And he’s still a victim. I hadn’t heard from him in a long time, but a few months ago, he sent a letter to my dad’s house. He was pretty much an atheist when we were together, but now it looks like he’s found God.
Anne: Let’s just add spiritual abuse to it.
Mackenzie:Yeah, never in my wildest dreams would I expect someone who’s publicly advocating for others and putting themselves in the super public role. Would actually commit behind the scenes crimes with other people’s children. This goes way beyond just being a jerk. When you put it all together, and I spent years in a caregiving role for this person. I funded their life. Whatever money he was getting. He did not put in the family pot, but whatever I earned, he needed access to it.
Anne: Wow, did the advocates who propped him up and supported him become aware that he was a criminal and in prison?
Life After Husband Future Faking: Rebuilding Trust and Recognizing Manipulation
Mackenzie: Yes, most of those people, to my knowledge, do not support him now. He borrowed quite a sum of money to bail himself out of jail. And that money didn’t go back to that person. I think it shows you the mind of someone like this, someone with an antisocial personality. The mind of someone who is rational, but with no conscience. There is no boundary, they will not limit themselves to any sort of moral behavior.
Periodically, he’d tell me I was his moral compass. And I didn’t really understand what he meant by that. But I think I get it a little more now. He had no real moral direction.
Anne: To use a good cause as a shield for your own bad behavior is really alarming.
Mackenzie: It is, it makes me suspicious of people who are extremely vocal, especially men. It makes me wonder, because I’ve seen the underside of that. I trust a lot less than I did before.
Anne: Umhmm, yeah, that makes sense. I appreciate you taking the time to share your story with us. Thank you so much. You’ve been through so much, and I’m happy to hear that you are safe.
Mackenzie: Thank you so much for having me on here. I really appreciate it.
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