Many betrayed women find themselves forced to enter the workforce, sometimes for the first time. Here’s how to rebuild confidence to reenter the workforce.

If you’re struggling in the aftermath of betrayal, attend a Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Session today for support.

An emotionally abusive husband often conditions his victim to feel helpless, powerless, and unintelligent. To discover if you’re emotionally abused, take our free emotional abuse quiz. But traumatized women can rebuild confidence in their marketable skills. They can create beautiful lives.

Brittany, a member of the Betrayal Trauma Recovery Community, and a professional in Public Relations, talks with Anne about how women can take steps to build a career after betrayal.

1. Reentering The Workforce Is Possible With Patience With Determination”

Often, women face challenges, including rejection, upon entering or re-entering the workforce. When victims can give themselves grace and patience, as well as the determination to keep trying, they can stay healthy and emotionally safe throughout the process.

2. Your Career Doesn’t Have To Be Your Passion

The simple truth is that most ways to earn a living aren’t glamorous. Most of the time, those reentering the workforce will earn money through a less-than-dream job, doing something they’re not passionate about.

Brittany suggests women focus on what their job enables them to do, rather than on what the job entails.

3. Think Outside The Box To Rebuild Confidence to reenter the workforce

In our very digital world, a four-year degree isn’t always necessary for a great career. As women find creative ways to learn and become marketable, they may find greater enjoyment and peace.

4. Rebuild Confidence By Volunteering

Many times, women can find empowering careers by simply volunteering for a non-profit. By doing so, they can learn valuable skills as well as “get their feet wet” in the corporate world.

5. Have An Attitude of Progression, Not Perfection

Victims can be hard on themselves. Abusive men condition victims to feel overly self-critical. As women find safety, they can begin to restore their sense of self and find joy in their own imperfections, rather than feel exposed and fearful of failure.

6. Small Steps To REBuild Confidence to reenter the workforce

Re-entering the workforce can reignite trauma. Here are some small steps to building confidence in yourself:

• Make a list of things you like about yourself
• Use positive affirmations like, “I am strong.” “I am important.”
• Breathe
• Meditate
• Look in the mirror and say, “I am beautiful.”
• Ask a safe friend to tell you what some of your strengths are
• Make a list of marketable skills you already have
• Begin a new hobby
• Update your resume

At BTR, we understand how it feels to try to support oneself financially after enduring intimate betrayal and emotional abuse. Terrifying. Empowering. Overwhelming. Exhilarating. Depressing. Rejuvenating. Exhausting.

You can do this. You can create a beautiful life.

BTR.ORG Group Sessions meet daily in every time zone, offering empowerment, validation, and community to women all over the world.

Transcript: How To Rebuild Confidence To Reenter The Workforce

Anne: I have a member of our community on today’s episode. We’ll call her Brittany. She’s an experienced communications professional with an extensive background in crisis communications and public relations. She leads a public relations department at a large marketing firm.

We’re going to cover some topics today on how women can rebuild confidence to reenter the workforce. Welcome, Brittany.

Brittany: Thank you so much for having me. I’m so excited to be chatting with you today.

Anne: So Brittany, let’s start with your advice for women who are getting back into the workforce. Either after a hiatus, because they’ve been raising their children. Or they’ve been too traumatized to work, or women who perhaps never worked in the workplace.

Brittany: Just in general, I think it’s an exciting time to be a woman. Flexibility has never been more on the table or more expected. It’s an exciting time to get back into work. If you’ve been raising your kids, or maybe you want to try something new and different. There are so many barriers that we don’t face that even our mother’s generations faced.

And so my number one piece of advice for women who say they’ve been raising their kids, and decided to go back to work. Or maybe they need to supplement their income, or want to completely change their direction, is to balance patience with determination. We often talk about the stereotype of women being told no, or they are too afraid, or shy, or concerned about figuring out what they’re worth.

Balancing Patience & Determination

Brittany: Find that balance between being patient, but also being determined. If you’re going to rebuild confidence to reenter the workforce after years of not building up your resume in that way, you’ll have to be patient. But if you are determined, you’re going to be rewarded. And the way I think of it is like a scale.

One side is your employer, and the other is you. And when you first start a new career or just graduated from college, the scales tip drastically in your employer’s favor. Maybe you have a coin or two because you have a degree or trade skill. It will take time. But as you gain experience, those scales can slowly start to shift. You can make your own way now. And that’s something that I find encouraging as a woman.

Anne: Many women that listen to this podcast are not wanting to work.

Brittany: Right, right.

Anne: They are forced to work because of their situation. There are some valid emotions around that. Because they have been, for example, abandoned. Or forced to file for divorce because of their husband’s abusive behaviors.

So there’s a lot of extra baggage that comes along with being forced. to look for a job when you don’t want to and want to take care of your kids. Or because you’ve been enjoying a job with low pay, but now you’re like, oh, this job’s not going to work anymore because now I have to support my family.

Lowering Expectations & Finding Fulfillment

Anne: There’s another scenario here, which is, many addicts are not good with jobs. So they get fired sometimes because they’re looking at pornography at work or because their social skills are poor. So there may be women listening to this who have always been the primary breadwinner. Because their husband has had difficulty with jobs, or women who have always been in poverty, because their husband has been switching jobs a lot. It makes it difficult to rebuild confidence to reenter the workforce.

I just wanted to put that out there about the serious valid emotions that can surround work when a woman is in trauma.

Brittany: I had to figure out how to provide for myself and supported myself through college. I think that a lot of it is about lowering your expectations. Which sounds so negative, but when you’re going into it and you’re not doing it because you’re passionate about it or you love it. Which I will tell you, I don’t think that’s a thing. I’ve always resented that part of my millennial upbringing that work is supposed to fulfill you.

I think that work should be a piece of your life. And so whatever trauma you’re recovering from. Or like you said, if you’re being forced to work and have to do something you don’t want to do. I would try as much as possible to focus on what it’s enabling you to do. Your eight hours on your shift may not be the thing that’s fulfilling you, but if it’s enabling you to provide for your family. If it’s helping you heal, if it’s giving you an identity outside of your home or maybe your specific situation, if you can focus on those things.

Rebuild Confidence To Reenter The Workforce: Developing Skills in Nontraditional Ways

Anne: As women try to rebuild confidence to reenter the workforce, talk about how they can develop skills in nontraditional ways.

Brittany: There are so many ways to gain knowledge that you couldn’t get access to even just a few years ago. So if there’s something you’ve been interested in, start educating yourself about it. Whether it’s learning a new language or developing a craft, skill, or going on YouTube and learning about design. There is no limit to what you can figure out and train yourself to do.

There are so many options for women to develop skills that don’t cost a lot of money. Whether it’s classes at your library or finding a woman willing to mentor you. You don’t have to be limited to having a four year degree. And actually trade skills will become more important, and maybe you’re going to school for six months instead of debt and going to school for four years.

There are many ways to attain that knowledge that was very limited. Figure out what you want to learn. Then find someone who’s doing what you want to do that can help you do that.

Anne: I frequently have women message me who would like to volunteer for us. The cool thing is they’ve been developing amazing marketable skills. So many people are looking for people to run their social media nowadays or website editing that many companies need.

Volunteering to Gain Marketable Skills

Anne: For example, one of the women who volunteered for us is now the social media director of a nonprofit because of the skills she learned through volunteering for us.

So if you’re interested in social media or grants or anything, reach out to an organization you appreciate, volunteer for them, gain some skills through that, and be mentored that way.

Brittany: Absolutely.

Building Confidence in the Workplace

Anne: So what suggestions do you have to rebuild confidence to reenter the workforce? I think confidence is so important as women are looking to join the workforce again.

Brittany: This is something that I struggle with. I can usually fake it till I make it. That’s the same with this. And if you become the cheerleader of the people around you. It only does good things for you. It will open up doors. And if anyone had something to say about me, I build confidence in other people on my team of 12. I try hard to be an example of building them up publicly. So I have a little bell in my office. So when they do something awesome, and they all think it’s really cheesy and annoying, but I ring my bell.

Because I just want them to hear about this awesome thing that their team member’s doing. Or I compliment them in specific ways. I try not to be superficial about it. You did a good job of presenting to this client, or I can tell you’ve improved in this specific way.

Another thing I’ll say is to assume you’re going to fail. Especially if you’re coming into a new position or working and don’t want to be. You always have something to learn. Having that attitude will actually give you more confidence. It may seem counterintuitive. But owning that you always have something to learn will only help the other people around you feel more confident in what you’re doing. Because nothing makes me more nervous than someone who’s overly confident who shouldn’t be.

Rebuild Confidence To Reenter The Workforce: The Importance of Humility & Asking Questions

Brittany: And so I think when you’re humble about it and own that you’re not perfect, you help other people lift you up. And then you can do that in return. And then the last thing I’ll say is always ask. I love what Sheryl Sandberg says in Lean In. And that is that women just need to raise their hands more.

And I could see, again, if you’re coming back to rebuild confidence to reenter the workforce, and that’s not an environment that you’re used to, ask questions. There are no stupid questions. Be prepared for rejection. Be prepared that people might think it’s a weird or different question. But you can bounce back from that and gain confidence along the way.

Anne: I saw a TED talk about how we need to teach our daughters to be brave rather than perfect.

Brittany: I love that.

Anne: That applies here. At Betrayal Trauma Recovery, all of our volunteers and coaches have had to be brave. Because they’ve experienced betrayal themselves. And have overcome those obstacles. And yet, we’re all still recovering because it’s an ongoing process. I’ve been experiencing post separation abuse. And it’s very difficult. All of our volunteers are.

I was talking to our board chair and told him, it’s kind of rough. Sometimes one of the volunteers has a bad day. You know, she had to file for divorce that day, for example, she got a legal notice. And so we all have to be flexible to work around the trauma episodes that might happen or the difficult things, knowing that many of us are single moms.

Our biggest Strength

Anne: I said, so that’s probably our main weakness. And he said, no, that is your biggest strength.

Brittany: Oh, I love that.

Anne: Do you understand what it’s like to be an abuse survivor? So even if you say the wrong thing, or even if you make a mistake, one of our coaches is amazing. She is so on the ball and so responsible. And one morning, she accidentally set her alarm for 4 p.m. rather than 4 a.m. to get on one of our groups, right? And she missed the group, and she felt terrible.

Brittany: We’ve all been there.

Anne: But the night before she’d been through some awful things. We are all working together to provide coaches and volunteers and also our clients. So much grace and our culture is amazing that way.

Brittany: I love that. I want to come work for you now.

Anne: The main thing we need is for women to know about us, because once they find us and start listening to the podcast, they learn so many things. That they didn’t know they needed to know. So we just want every woman to know that we exist.

So that when the beep hits the fan, they’re like, oh, I know what to do. I have the strategies. I need to see what my husband’s character is from the Living Free Workshop. And I know how to implement those safety strategies from the Living Free Workshop. And you can learn by clicking that link. When you want to rebuild confidence to reenter the workforce. I know where to go to get the best support in our Betrayal Trauma Recovery group sessions and you can learn more about that by clicking that link.

Supplementing Income Outside of a 9-to-5 Job

Anne: So let’s talk about how women can supplement their income outside of their nine to five job. When they’re trying to rebuild confidence to reenter the workforce.

Brittany: I don’t think I have a single friend that has a. traditional career. I have some friends who are teachers, but then in the summer they do crazy cool stuff or do research on this side. I have a bunch of friends who work in public relations, because that’s what I do. And a bunch of them do freelance on the side. There are many ways to supplement your traditional nine to five job. Cool examples that I’d like to share.

Like I have a friend who makes good money selling designs on Amazon. She’s a stay at home mother. She’s got three kids under four. She completely figured out how to use Adobe Illustrator through YouTube videos. And I just think that’s one of the coolest examples I’ve heard. And she was so determined to do it during nap time and when her kids went to sleep,

I have another friend whose husband was diagnosed with cancer about three months after they got married. It’s really hard for her to have a traditional job. I just think this is neat. She’s got a coloring book Instagram. Coloring book companies pay her to film adult coloring books. She’ll do the mindfulness ones. She just did some for Star Wars. And she’s actually supplementing their income by making these fun and creative videos.

Exploring Side Hustles & Freelance Opportunities

Brittany: Another cool example is that many women teach English to children in China online in the morning before their kids are even awake. And I have a few friends from church who are doing that. Who are in the kind of single mom, trying to figure out what’s next group. And it’s been a good bridge to their next thing. There aren’t limits. I don’t think this is probably the best thing to do if you’re trying to put food on the table, because it’s tough to find consistency in the beginning. When you rebuild confidence to reenter the workforce.

But I will say that I can name off the top of my head, five friends who quit their nine to five jobs. Because that side hustle ended up giving them more flexibility and money in the long run.

Anne: Yeah. And there’s so many different ways to do it.

Brittany: Yeah.

Rebuild Confidence To Reenter The Workforce: The Journey of Recovery and Career Choices

Anne: So many women in trauma are recovering, and so they’re reading books about abuse, pornography addiction or sex addiction. And they’re so immersed in it. I get a lot of women saying, oh, I want to be a coach. And I tell them, get a lot of recovery down, two to three years first, and then see if you’re still interested in it. I have been in this field in this industry for over 15 years working for other organizations and then starting my own organization. So I know this is my calling.

I found many women once they’re out of the crisis stage. And they’re two or three years into recovery. They start thinking, wait a minute, you know what? My true love is interior design. I’m sick of talking about abuse. You might have volunteered for Betrayal Trauma Recovery, for example, or another place that you’re interested in during the interim, and built up some skills, maybe social media skills. But once you’re stabilized, you’re safe, you’re feeling peaceful. Then think. if I had to talk about this every day for the rest of my life.

Brittany: Yeah.

Anne: A lot of women, once they’re using safety strategies, are stabilized. And they’re safe, and feel peace. They might want to attend a group session every once in a while, or schedule an individual session every six months, to check in. But other than that, they’re on their way. They’re looking to the future. And they don’t want to talk about abuse and trauma all the time. So if women haven’t yet established safety for themselves, if they’re struggling day to day. And in that case, volunteer, get some skills, try out some different things. When you rebuild confidence to reenter the workforce.

Establishing Safety & Stability

Anne: Before deciding on the career, you’re going to invest a lot of time and energy into is wise. Because you don’t know how you’ll feel when you’re safe. You never know what you’re going to want to do once the trauma is not consuming your life. When you rebuild confidence to reenter the workforce

Brittany: That makes total sense. And I think what’s nice about something like this is that you can experiment. You can see what you’re drawn to, always adjust and figure out what you enjoy. Like you said.

Anne: It’s always a process, and that’s okay. We need to enjoy the journey. So in terms of women in the workplace, what can women do to set themselves apart?

Brittany: I feel like women are either passive and not asking for what they’re worth. Or they’re the other extreme, they’re intense, crazy and other words I won’t say.

To set yourself apart, removing emotion from your work, I actually think is important. And I don’t mean don’t be a woman, and I don’t mean don’t have passion in what you do. But I’ve always found that focusing on the task at hand sets you apart. Unfortunately, I have had a lot of bosses who let emotion rule the day.

And you didn’t even get to see through that to get to the great work they were doing. And so if I was coming into the workplace. After going through something emotional, like I said earlier, focus on what you’re getting out of your job. Is it to put food on the table and help support your family? Is it to develop a skill that you hope will be a long term career?

Rebuild Confidence To Reenter The Workforce: The Power of Positivity in the Workplace

Brittany: Then just to be a beacon of positivity. I know I talked about building up other people around you. But I think one thing that can be tied to emotion or maybe being too intense. On the flip side, where you’re passive, you’re not pushing for what you deserve. Is to be positive, be positive about how you react to getting a last minute assignment.

If you have to cover for a friend’s shift, be positive about it. It’s crazy how that is so rare. I have to work on that, that’s not my natural disposition at all. I’m quick to try and solve problems. So I like to point out problems, but I’ve been surprised, especially this is something I’ve worked on over the last couple of years. When I react positively, how well that’s received.

I actually got a note from my boss a few months ago, after I did a public shout out to a team member. And he said, this is why people love working with you. And I needed that, that day. That’s one way that we can be different is to be positive. That doesn’t mean you have to fake it. I hate the, like, just smile and everything will be okay. That’s not what I’m saying, but I think if you can, find the good in other people, they’ll find it in you.

Anne: And that, I think, is another reason why healing from the trauma is so important when you try to rebuild confidence to reenter the workforce. Because if we still have trauma triggers, which has happened to me, I’ve had serious trauma triggers. Just a simple work thing could trigger trauma. Or you could have a really intense work thing happen, like a boss betray you or abuse you.

Building Emotional Skills & Safety Strategies

Anne: Any effort you make to heal? Attending a Betrayal Trauma Recovery group session. Enrolling in the Living Free workshop will not only help you face the trauma with your abusive husband. But also help you have the emotional skills and safety skills to deal with trauma if it happens at work.

Brittany: I am sensitive, and I care a lot about my work. I think in most cases I lean too heavily on it being so much of who I am. And one thing I keep learning as I get older is that it’s not personal. I think that could be helpful for someone who’s healing from trauma, that it’s going to feel personal.

The way my mom describes it, which I think is funny, is if you slowly build up your armor, protecting yourself. In the sense that you’re not vulnerable, but you just know this isn’t about me. It’s about the bottom line. This is about me. It’s about my coworker. Being able to get to that place is hard for anyone. The sooner you can get there, I think, the more productive you’ll be.

Anne: I agree, and when you’ve been traumatized, everything is personal, right? It is so painful and difficult just surviving.

Brittany, I appreciate you taking the time to talk about trying to rebuild confidence to reenter the workforce. If you have comments, you can also comment below. I would like to publicly thank the woman who runs our social media. I can’t say her name on the air, but she is amazing and wonderful, and she works hard. Also our coaches, who work tirelessly to help women all over the world through one-on-one coaching and support groups. I appreciate everyone who tries to help get the word out about Betrayal Trauma Recovery.

Understanding Abuse & the Need for Accountability

Anne: I just have a quick story. One of my friends recently went to a church training on this topic, and the gist of the training was that both the husband and the wife are hurting. And this leaves out the fact that the woman is a victim and the husband is a perpetrator. We know that men are hurting from their addiction and sad choices. But just because they are making sad choices doesn’t mean they don’t need to be held accountable.

And part of that, oh, I need help, that kind of thing. Is also manipulation that they do to keep the women and other people from holding them accountable. This training was by a good therapist, apparently, who doesn’t have training in abuse. So please help get the word out about Betrayal Trauma Recovery. Abuse is so misunderstood and so frequent with men who use pornography. That women need to understand the abuse piece to heal and ensure that emotional abuse has stopped and the trauma has stopped.