What Is A Therapeutic Disclosure? What You Need To Know If Your Husband Is Addicted To Sex

Disclosures do not give victims the safety they deserve - even though it may seem like a good idea, usually victims are just more harmed. Learn why.

After a woman discovers her husband has been lying to her about his porn use or affair, she may turn to a sex addiction therapist who may suggest a therapeutic disclosure. What is a therapeutic disclosure? Here are 4 things you need to know.

What Is A Therapeutic Disclosure?

A therapeutic disclosure is a process that involves the sex addict disclosing their full sexual history to this wife in a so-called structured way with the guidance of a therapist.

In theory, the purpose of a therapeutic disclosure is to provide the betrayed wife all the information she needs to make informed decisions about the relationship moving forward.

However, at Betrayal Trauma Recovery, we don’t recommend women request or participate in her husband’s therapeutic disclosure for the following reasons.

1. The So-Called Reason For a Therapeutic Disclosure

If your husband’s therapist suggests that the purpose of the therapeutic disclosure is to obtain a full sexual history, don’t suggest that your husband do a therapeutic disclosure and don’t participate if he decides to do one on his own.

In fact, don’t participate in his therapy in any way because his sex addiction isn’t the issue.

The Truth About Betrayal Trauma Symptoms What You Need To Know

As a wife of a man who’s been lying to you almost constantly for years, the issue at hand is his emotional and psychological abuse, sexual coercion, and likely financial abuse.

Is he going to therapy for ALL the abuse, including his abusive, misogynistic way of thinking?

2. A Therapeutic Disclosure Will Put You In Harms Way

Therapeutic disclosures don’t help women find safety. They are dangerous for abuse victims for several reasons:

  • Abusers often use the “trickle” method to selectively “disclose” often through lying bits of information at strategic times to manipulate and distress their victim.
  • Emotional and psychological abusers will use the disclosure process to prolong a victims exposure to their manipulation, allowing him to continue exploiting her.
  • Abusers usually lie during the disclosure process, which means that victims undergo immense trauma for partial truths.

3. Abuse Experts Know Therapeutic Anything Makes Abuse Worse

Abusive men aren’t abusive because of things like childhood trauma or feeling ashamed. They’re abusive because they choose to be. If they have problems like trauma or shame, they could choose other ways to cope, like exercising, eating too much, or even building model trains. Abuse is always a choice.

Therapy helps figure out why someone acts the way they do, but an abusive man can confuse his therapist and his wife by making up lots of excuses. These excuses can take over and become the focus. It’s better to avoid being part of an abusive man’s therapy altogether.

4. What Should I Do Instead Of Asking For A Therapeutic Disclosure?

Instead of convincing their husband to do a therapeutic disclosure, victims should focus on their own emotional and psychological safety.

At BTR, we understand the complexities and trauma that can accompany disclosure.

Every victim of betrayal and abuse deserves a safe place to process trauma, ask questions, share stories, and create connections with other victims.

Our BTR.ORG Group Sessions meet daily in every time zone. We’d love to see you there. 

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13 Comments

  1. Thank you for the great information. That’s where I am right now, waiting in silence and observing. I am not liking what I am seeing.
    I used to try to initiate conversation, but I don’t anymore. His answers were always just what I wanted to hear. They were not from his heart. Time proved that.

    Reply
    • So true. Time will always tell. Thanks for sharing!

      Reply
  2. I LOVE this topic. This is what I need and want Full disclosure to heal. He wont give it to me and I really don’t know how to move forward in the relationship without it. I have already grieved and processed what I know. I want closure and no “what else’s” to linger in my mind. I feel very strongly that it will interfere greatly with my own healing.

    Reply
    • I’m so glad it’s helpful to you! Thanks for sharing!!

      Reply
  3. Thank you for sharing this insight! It’s super helpful.

    Reply
  4. How do people afford all this support and therapy?

    Reply
  5. Do you have any recommendations for the addicts and also a couples therapist? My husband has finally agreed to seek help, but we are trying to find ones that would be a good match, affordable, and willing to work with us virtually as we move frequently yet need stability in counseling. I really want a therapist led disclosure.

    Reply
  6. What is the value of disclosure if you have no intention of doing couples therapy or staying in the marriage? I don’t think I will ever know any truths around how I was betrayed and I have to find a way to heal from the lies that propped up our life together. My husband decided that he will see someone but I don’t want to be part of his recovery.

    Reply
    • That makes total sense. I agree with you. I also did not want a disclosure due to the same factors you bring up here. Since every situation is different, we wanted to bring this topic up for victims to consider.

      Reply
  7. Just came across this site.
    I have to ask all the time for the truth, no transparency or disclosure. I’ve given up, each time l ask it gets turned around back to myself, it’s a vicious cycle.
    He’s looking at live sex cams, escorts and god knows what else, complete denial even if l have proof.
    How can anyone have trust when they lie.

    Reply
  8. My husband “abuser” met with a psychologist for the second time today. This was, of course, after he was caught with inappropriate videos on his phone. I knew before I found the evidence, I just needed pictures of solid proof because he is an amazing gaslighter.

    I told him to move into the basement, he did. He cries, he begs for more chances, he wants to change. He came home from the appointment and said the problem is he has anxiety and is introverted, he just needs Lexapro with Buspar. Lol.

    The psychologist doesn’t even think he needs to see him again. I have been married to this man for 30 years. He has never been truthful about his addiction, only caught. He lies straight to my face. He is a covert narcissist with serious control issues. I’m at my breaking point. I’ve had a spinal fusion, Hashimoto’s disease and now just found out my cervical spine is failing from degenerative disc disease.

    We did all the Christian counseling and forgive and forget 6 years ago, he is back at it. And honestly, the “therapeutic disclosure” we did then just made it worse. I thought it would fix things, but it only gave him a way to manipulate me more. He used it to control the narrative and make me feel like I was part of the problem, like I wasn’t forgiving enough or loyal enough. It gave him a script to play the victim and fix his image instead of the actual problem. The whole process just left me even more confused and trapped, like it was my responsibility to carry the weight of his issues and his “healing.”

    I am stuck. I am hopeless. Our children are grown and on their own, and I have been a stay-at-home wife for 6 years, no career, physically and mentally drained. Our first grandson was born 2 weeks ago. I have fits of rage, uncontrollable tears, heart palpitations and then let him sleep in my bed because I feel alone, then kick him out. I feel invisible to God. I need help. I don’t know how to do this anymore.

    Reply

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