How To Rebuild Confidence To Reenter The Workforce – Brittany’s Story

Many betrayed women find themselves forced to enter the workforce, sometimes for the first time. Here's how to rebuild confidence and reenter the workforce.

Many betrayed women find themselves forced to enter the workforce, sometimes for the first time. Here’s how to rebuild confidence to reenter the workforce.

If you’re struggling in the aftermath of betrayal, attend a Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Session today for support.

An emotionally abusive husband often conditions his victim to feel helpless, powerless, and unintelligent. But traumatized women can rebuild confidence in their marketable skills. They can create beautiful lives.

Brittany, a member of the Betrayal Trauma Recovery Community, and a professional in Public Relations, talks with Anne about how women can take steps to build a career after betrayal.

1. Reentering The Workforce Is Possible With Patience With Determination”

Often, women are met with challenges, including rejection, upon entering or re-entering the workforce. When victims are able to give themselves grace and patience as well as the determination to keep trying, they are better able to stay healthy and emotionally safe throughout the process.

2. Your Career Doesn’t Have To Be Your Passion

The simple truth is that most ways to earn a living aren’t glamorous. Most of the time, those reentering the workforce will earn money through a less-than-dream job, doing something they’re not passionate about.

Brittany suggests women focus on what their job enables them to do, rather than on what the job entails.

3. Think Outside The Box To Rebuild Confidence

In our very digital world, a four-year degree isn’t always necessary for a great career. As women find creative ways to learn and become marketable, they may find greater enjoyment and peace.

4. Rebuild Confidence By Volunteering

Many times, women can find empowering careers by simply volunteering for a non-profit. By doing so, they can learn valuable skills as well as “get their feet wet” in the corporate world.

5. Have An Attitude of Progression, Not Perfection

Victims can be hard on themselves. Abusive men condition victims to feel overly self-critical. As women find safety, they can begin to restore their sense of self and find joy in their own imperfections, rather than feel exposed and fearful of failure.

6. Small Steps To Building Confidence

Re-entering the workforce can reignite trauma. Here are some small steps to building confidence in yourself:

  • Make a list of things you like about yourself
  • Use positive affirmations like, “I am strong.” “I am important.”
  • Breathe
  • Meditate
  • Look in the mirror and say, “I am beautiful.”
  • Ask a safe friend to tell you what some of your strengths are
  • Make a list of marketable skills you already have
  • Begin a new hobby
  • Update your resume

Learn More about BTR Group Sessions

At BTR, we understand how it feels try to support oneself financially after enduring intimate betrayal and emotional abuse. Terrifying. Empowering. Overwhelming. Exhilarating. Depressing. Rejuvenating. Exhausting.

You can do this. You can create a beautiful life.

BTR.ORG Group Sessions meet daily in every time zone, offering empowerment, validation, and community to women all over the world.

Full Transcript: How To Rebuild Confidence To Reenter The Workforce

Welcome to Betrayal Trauma Recovery. This is Anne. I have Brittany Larson with me today. She’s an experienced communications professional with an extensive background in crisis communications and public relations. She leads the public relations department at the Summit Group. Brittany recently launched Livlyhood, a community for women who work. She’s going to cover some topics today for women who are thinking about getting back into the workplace.

Anne: Brittany. Welcome. Thank you for being here. Let’s start off with your advice for women who are getting back into the workforce. Either after a hiatus because they’ve been raising their children, or they’ve been too traumatized to work, or women who have, perhaps, never been in the workplace in the first place.

Brittany: Hi Anne. Thanks for having me. Just in general, I think it’s a really exciting time to be a woman. Flexibility has never been more on the table. Or more expected. It’s a really exciting time to get back into work if you’ve been raising your kids. Or maybe you want to try something new and different. There are so many barriers that we don’t face that even our mother’s generation faced.

How Joining The Workforce Can Help Self-Confidence

My number one piece of advice for women who, say they’ve been raising their kids, and they’ve decided to go back to work, or maybe they need to supplement their income, or they want to completely change their direction is to balance patience with determination.

We often talk about the stereotype of women being told no, or they are too afraid, or shy or concerned about figuring out what they’re worth. You have to find that balance between being patient, but also being determined. If you’re coming back into the workforce after years of not building up your résumé in that way, you’re going to have to be patient. If you are determined, you’re going to be rewarded.

The way I think of it is like a scale. One side of it is your employer, and the other is you. When you first start out, either at a new career, or you’re getting back into things, or you’ve just graduated from college, the scale is tipped drastically in your employer’s favor. You maybe have a coin or two, because you have a degree or a trade skill, or something like that.

How To Handle Negative Emotions About Self-Esteem

As you gain experience, those scales can slowly start to shift. It will take time. You really can make your own way now. And that’s something that I find really encouraging, as a woman.

Anne: Many women that listen to this podcast are not wanting to work. They are forced to work because of their situation. There are some really negative emotions around that, because they have been, for example, abandoned or they’ve had to file divorce because of their husband’s abusive behaviors. There’s a lot of extra baggage that comes along with being forced to look for a job when you don’t want to. Really, you want to take care of your kids. Or because you’ve been enjoying a job that has a really low pay, and you’re like, “Oh, this job’s not going to work anymore, because now I have to support my family.”

There’s another scenario here, which is many pornography users are not very good with jobs. They get fired sometimes, because they’ve been looking at pornography at work or because their social skills are very poor. There may be women listening to this who have always been the primary breadwinner and their husband has had difficulty with jobs. Or women who have always been in poverty because their husband’s jobs have always been terrible. Or they’ve been switching jobs a lot. I just wanted to put that out there about the serious negative emotions that can surround work when a woman is in trauma.

How Your Passion Can Build Your Confidence

Brittany: I got married later than maybe I had originally anticipated and really had to figure out how to provide for myself and support myself through college. I think that a lot of it is about lowering your expectations, which sounds so negative. But when you’re going into it and you’re not doing it because you’re passionate about it or you love it. Which I will tell you, I don’t really think that’s a thing.

I’ve always resented that part of my millennial upbringing that work is to be enjoyed and it’s supposed to fulfill you. I really, truly think that work should be a piece of your life. Whatever trauma that you’re recovering from or, like you said, if you’re being forced to work, and you’re having to do something that you don’t want to do, I would try as much as possible to focus on what it’s enabling you to do.

Your eight hours on your shift may not be the best thing that’s fulfilling you, but if it’s enabling you to provide for your family, if it’s helping you to heal, if it’s giving you an identity outside of your home, or maybe your specific situation that you’re going through, if you can focus on those things, that’s what I’d suggest.

Increase Self-Esteem Through Skill Development

Anne: As women are looking to come back into the workforce, or thinking about it or considering it, let’s talk about how they can develop skills in nontraditional ways.

Brittany: There’s so many ways to gain knowledge that you couldn’t get access to even just a few years ago. I would suggest if there’s something that you’ve been interested in, start educating yourself about it. Whether it’s learning a new language or developing a craft skill or going on YouTube and learning about design.

There really is no limit to what you can figure out and train yourself to do. There are so many options for women to develop skills that don’t cost a lot of money. Whether it be classes at your library or finding a woman who’s willing to mentor you. You don’t have to be limited to having a four-year degree. Actually, trade skills are increasingly going to become more important. Maybe you’re going to school for six months instead of getting into debt and going to school for four years.

I think that there’s a lot of different ways to attain that knowledge that used to be very limited. Figure out what it is that you want to learn then find someone who’s doing what you want to do. Find someone that can help you do that.

Being A Valuable Part Of The Workforce Can Bring Self-Worth

A lot of women, once they get those skills and they’re really good at it, they can put an ad up on KSL. “I can run your social media.” If you’re not in Utah, KSL’s the most popular classifieds. What suggestions do you have to gain confidence in the workplace? I think confidence is so important as women are looking to join the workforce again.

Brittany: This is something that I struggle with. I can usually fake it ‘til I make it. I would say that’s the same with this. If you become the cheerleader of the people around you, it only does good things for you. It will open up doors and, if anyone has something to say about me, I build confidence up in other people on my team of 12.

I really try hard to be an example of building them up publicly. I have a little bell in my office. So when they do something awesome—and they all think it’s really cheesy and annoying, but I ring my bell. Because I just want them all to hear about this awesome thing that their team member’s doing. I compliment them in really specific ways. I try not to be superficial about it. “You really did a good job of presenting to this client.” Or, “I can tell you’ve really improved in this specific way.”

Your Self-Confidence Is Contagious

Another thing that I’ll say is to assume that you’re going to fail. Especially if you’re coming into a new position, or you’re working, and you don’t want to be. You always have something to learn. Having that attitude will actually give you more confidence. It may seem counterintuitive but owning that you always have something to learn will only help other people around you feel more confident in what you’re doing. Because nothing makes me more nervous than someone who’s overly confident who shouldn’t be.

I think, when you’re humble about it and own that you’re not perfect, you help other people lift you up. And then you can do that in return. Then, the last thing I’ll say is to always ask. I love what Sheryl Sandberg says in “Lean In.” That is that women just need to raise our hands more.

I could say, again, if you’re coming back into the workforce and that’s not an environment that you’re used to, ask questions. There really are no stupid questions. Be prepared for rejection. Be prepared that people might think that it’s a weird or a different question. But you can bounce back from that and gain confidence along the way.

“A standard of grace, not perfection”

My favorite saying from a blogger, I’ll give her a shout out, her name’s Emily Ley. And her trademark saying is, “I will hold myself to a standard of grace. Not perfection.” That runs through my mind all day long.

One of our coaches is amazing, she is so on the ball, and so responsible. One morning, she accidentally set her alarm for 4 p.m., rather than 4 a.m., to get on one of our sessions. She missed the session. She felt terrible. The night before, she’d been through some awful things. We are all working together to provide both the people that work for us and volunteer for us, and also our clients so much grace.

Brittany: I don’t think I have a single friend that has a traditional career. I have some friends who are teachers, but then, in the summer, they do crazy cool stuff. Or they’re doing research on the side. I have a bunch of friends who work in public relations, because that’s what I do. A bunch of them do freelance on the side. There’s just a lot of different ways that you can either supplement your traditional 9 to 5 job.

Being Flexible and Resourceful Is Essential To Self-Sufficency

Cool examples that I like to share. I have a friend who makes really good money selling designs on Amazon. She is a stay-at-home mother. She’s got three kids under four. She basically put her husband through grad school by selling on Amazon. She completely figured out how to use Adobe Illustrator through YouTube videos. I think that’s one of the coolest examples that I’ve heard. She was so determined to do it during naptime and whenever her kids went to sleep.

I have another friend. Her husband was diagnosed with cancer about three months after they got married. They’ve been married for years now. He’s still going through treatments. It’s really hard for her to have a traditional job. I just think this is really neat. She’s got a coloring book Instagram. Coloring book companies pay her to film adult coloring books. She’ll do the mindfulness ones. She just did some for Star Wars a few days ago. She’s actually supplementing their income by making these really fun and creative videos.

How Life Experience Can Increase Self-Confidence

Another really, really cool example. There’s a ton of women who teach English to children in China online in the morning before their kids are even awake. I have a few friends from church who are doing that. They are in the single mom, trying to figure out what’s next stage. It’s been a really good bridge to their next thing.

There aren’t limits. I don’t think this is probably the best thing to do if you’re trying to put food on the table, because it’s really, really tough to find consistency in the beginning. But I will say that I can name off the top of my head five friends who quit their 9 to 5 jobs because that side hustle ended up giving them more flexibility and more money in the long run.

The Workforce Can Be Empowering

Right. Yeah. That makes total sense.  I think what’s nice about something like this is you can experiment. You can see what you’re drawn to. You can always adjust. Figure out what you enjoy, like you said, after you’ve healed.

Anne: It’s always a process. And that’s okay. We need to enjoy the journey.  In terms of women in the workplace, what can women do to set themselves apart?

Brittany: Again, one of the reasons I started Livlyhood was because I feel like women are either known as being passive and not asking for what their worth. Or their the other extreme and they’re intense and they’re crazy and other words I won’t say. To set yourself apart, it’s really important to remove emotion from your work.

I don’t mean don’t be a woman. I don’t mean don’t have passion in what you do. But I’ve always found that really focusing on the task at hand sets you apart. I’ve had a lot of female bosses who, unfortunately, I think let emotion rule the day. You didn’t even get to see through that to get to the great work that they were doing.

Skill Building Is An Essential Part Of Self-Confidence

If I was coming into the workplace after going through something really emotional, I would try really hard to separate those things. Like I said earlier, focus on what you’re getting out of your job. Is it to put food on the table and help support your family? Is it to develop a skill that you hope will be a long-term career?

Then just to be a beacon of positivity. I know we talked about building up other people around you. I think one thing that can be tied to that negative emotion, or maybe being too intense, or on the flip-side, where you’re passive, you’re not pushing for what you deserve, is to be positive. Be positive about how you react to getting a last-minute assignment. If you have to cover for a friend’s shift, be positive about it.

It’s crazy how that is so rare, and how often I am told, when I really have to work on that. That’s not my natural disposition at all. I’m quick to try and solve problems, so I like to point out problems. I’ve been surprised, especially this is something I’ve worked on over the last couple of years, when I react positively how well that’s received.

Forming Healthy Connections At Work Can Help Self-Esteem

I actually got a note from my boss a couple months ago. It was after I did a public shout out to a team member. He said, “This is why people love working with you.” I really needed that that day. I think that that’s one way that we could really be different is to be positive.

That doesn’t mean you have to be Pollyanna. That doesn’t mean you have to fake it. I really hate the like, “Just smile and everything will be okay.” That’s not at all what I’m saying. I think if you can find the good in other people, they’ll find it in you.

Anne: I’ve had serious trauma triggers. Just a simple work thing could turn into a really big trauma trigger. You could have a really intense work thing happen. Like a boss betray you, or abuse you, and your trauma could be really intense from that. If you have to work now, which many women do, or they don’t have to but they choose to, still making sure that they’re working on their recovery.

Learning Marketable Skills Can Increase Self-Worth

Brittany: That just made me think. I am very, very sensitive and I care a lot about my work. I think in most cases, I lean too heavily on it being so much of who I am. One thing that I keep learning as I get older is that it’s not personal. I think that could be really helpful for someone who’s healing from trauma. That it’s going to feel personal.

The way my mom describes it, which I think is kind of funny, is if you slowly build up your armor, protecting yourself in the sense that you’re not vulnerable. But you just know, “This isn’t about me. This is about the bottom line. This isn’t about me. It’s about my co-worker.” Being able to get to that place, it’s hard for anyone. But the sooner that you can get there, the more productive you’ll be.

Anne: I agree. And it takes a while to heal from that. When you’ve been traumatized, everything is personal. When you’re suffering from PTSD, it is so painful and difficult just surviving.

Thriving In The Workplace Starts With A Healthy Self-Outlook

Brittany, thank you. I appreciate you taking the time. Brittany’s website is livelyhood.com. We encourage you, if you’re interested in workplace issues, to check out her website and message her. You can ask her questions. If you have comments, please comment below! We love your comments.

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4 Comments

  1. Cheryl

    I was so relieved to find your site after my husband left, I had no idea where to go to get help.

    Reply
  2. Norma

    I was totally devastated when john left me. It was like all my world vanishing into sorrow and pain. But your kind words helped so much. I felt how sincere, honest and authentic you were from your first podcast . . . thanks for giving me hope again.

    Reply
  3. Anonymous

    what do you suggest for women that want to work but can not work, i’m a “illegal”…

    Reply
    • Anne

      We welcome you! So glad you’re here. You’re in vulnerable position and our heart goes out to you. Consider visiting with the local domestic violence shelter for services. Also a church that may have some resources available to you. Just because you’re “illegal” doesn’t mean you’re not loved, brave, and strong. You matter. We stand with you:).

      Reply

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