“I just found out that my husband’s been having an emotional affair and I can’t stop shaking. What’s happening to me? Do I have Betrayal Trauma?”
Why Does Betrayal Trauma Hurt So Badly?
If you’re experiencing Betrayal Trauma, you may have dealt with emotionally and psychologically abusive behaviors in addition to the betrayal. Behaviors like:
- Lying
- Manipulation
- Gaslighting
- Financial control & secrecy
- Sexual secrecy & coercion
- Verbal abuse
Am I Overreacting or Am I Traumatized?
If you’re second-guessing whether or not you have Betrayal Trauma, take a look at the list of symptoms below, compiled by Dr. Barb Steffens and Marsha Means. Keep in mind that not every victim will experience every symptom. And please remember – it’s normal to be deeply affected by a partner’s betrayal. You’re not crazy or overreacting.
26 Symptoms of Betrayal Trauma
- Helplessness
- Sleeplessness
- Immobility
- Reliving the event
- Hyper-vigilance
- Anxiety
- Nightmares
- Intrusive images
- Withdrawing
- Avoidance
- Mood swings
- Panic attacks
- Phobias
- Flashbacks
- Denial
- Over-sensitivity
- Depression
- Restlessness
- Confusion
- Dissociation
- Inability to eat
- Overeating
- Rage
- Health problems
- Chronic fatigue
- Immune/endocrine system problems
I Have Betrayal Trauma – What Next?
First and foremost, please offer yourself radical compassion as you come to accept that you’re experiencing Betrayal Trauma. At BTR, we encourage victims to focus on their own safety and wellness as the first priority.
This means that any couple-focused worked is contraindicated as you work toward your emotional & psychological safety.
Choose to Focus on Your Emotional Safety & Wellness
You did not cause your partner to betray you. You cannot control their behavior. And it’s not your job to “teach” them to be loyal and honest. Instead, take this time to shower yourself with self-care. Many women in our community become more grounded and steady as they implement daily self-care routines into their lives, including:
- Daily hygiene
- Scheduling reminders to take deep breaths
- Nutrition & hydration
- Scheduled rest (for when sleep is difficult)
- Processing trauma with a safe support network, like our BTR.ORG Group Sessions
- Scheduled time for learning about betrayal trauma from healthy sources, like The BTR.ORG Podcast
- “Brain breaks” from learning about betrayal trauma
- Stretching
- Journaling
BTR.ORG Is Here For You
At BTR, we know the seemingly endless and daunting devastation of betrayal trauma. The horror of realizing that your life is not what you thought it was. We know the loneliness of waking up next to someone who has broken your heart. We know the anger and bitterness that seems all-consuming. Please know that you are NOT alone. Our Group Sessions are a safe space for you to process these difficult feelings and find a community of women who understand your pain. Attend today and begin your journey to healing.
I’ve absolutely identified with the Trauma Model. And felt incredibly angry at the Co Dependent label.
Like the examples above, I had NO clue of any of the addiction! All compulsive behaviors were hidden from me.
If anything was off, A feeling of disconnect, a friendship with a woman… what ever felt off.
I spoke up, spoke my needs and advocated for my safety and self worth! Not Co Dependent behaviors.
I do also Identify as a Co Dependent. Now further in recovery, I see my personality defects. I was raised by addicts, and groomed to save, Fix and comfort them before myself. Did that set me up for attracting an addict?
It’s hard to say. My husband was everything my family of origin was not.
Stable, kind, loving and a bit quite.
I was devastated when my safe world came crashing down.The abandonment pain of my husband’s addiction now mirrored my childhood. Selfish self serving behaviors with no thought The how they effected me.
Disregard of my needs and breaking my heart over and over again.
I’m trying now to deal with the massive abandonment issues I received as a child, and how this has left me with no sense of safety.
I have days and weeks now 18months into recovery that I feel "normal, happy and forget about my husband’s
Addiction." But the deep pain seems to be able to surface and break open easily still.
This is exactly my story. Raised by addicts that passed away and husbands addiction has mirrors my childhood. Thank you for sharing your story. I need real help.
I fit all 26 symptoms. I don’t think I can be helped. I’m 45 and never leave my house. I won’t leave my 3 dogs. I feel like I’m already gone. Gone
Carrie,
I just saw your reply. I hope you check back in because you’re worth it. NOBODY is beyond being helped. Hang in there and take ONE DAY at a time. Just BREATHE!
I’m so sorry for what you are going through. I think God works in mysterious ways and I’m thankful that you’re now in a position to get help and become more whole and healed as a person. At some point, we all have to do the work. And sometimes that’s exactly when we find out, when the world as we know it comes crushing down. Best wishes to you on your new journey. The caterpillar said, “It’s not over!”
I have these symptoms. Before I got pregnant, he was always cheating on me with his first kid’s mother. But I didn’t know, and he made me think I was crazy. After I had my son, I tried to leave him, but he’d just sit outside my mom’s or guilt trip me with text messages and honk the horn. He cried and proposed to me. That’s when the anxiety and phobias really hit me. We were engaged for 6 months, during that time (I found out later) he said he was at work, but he was actually getting hotel rooms to cheat. He wouldn’t stay home with me like he used to. Even the morning before our wedding rehearsal he cheated again. Thank goodness she told me. She showed me all the text messages.
After that, he admitted everything and agreed to stop messaging her. He promised he’d never cheat again. But last Christmas, I found evidence of more cheating, getting hotel rooms, etc. I want to leave, but it’s hard when I have no vehicle and everything is in his name. I get panic attacks and flashbacks. He doesn’t understand I can’t love him anymore like I use to.
Oh I feel you. Love is a strong deep emotion. When u fall in love, it makes u hurt in ways u never thought u could. There is a way out, u just have to search for it. My husband of 30 years has cheated on me the last 12 that I know of and I can’t leave. Love hurts. Prayers!
I was married for 41 years when I heard my ex spouses full disclosure. Sex addict who lived a secret life since we started dating at 15. One discovery of being with a prostitute at 20 years of marriage.. with complete lying by ex spouse about the incident being "one time only"…2 and 1/2 years post divorce and I still deal with betrayal trauma and ptsd symptoms. Have been to therapy many times. Have re-connected with God and He is my strength and I continually pray for healing. I feel I may have some permanent damage from being in a relationship with a sex addict for 46 years. Divorce does not help healing. Sex addiction changed my life forever. My goal is to help other women dealing with the pain and changes from sex addiction.
I’m so sorry that happened to you. That kind of behavior should be against the law since it leaves behind victims. The pain is very real.
.
7 months later mine is still denying what he did was wrong.
Thank you for sharing this valuable information on betrayal trauma. I’ve been experiencing almost PTSD-like symptoms since being gaslit by my partner during my pregnancy almost two years ago. I still think about it every day. Being lied to and manipulated made me feel so powerless and helpless that I’ve become obsessed with preventing it before it happens again.
I feel so stupid and pathetic spending my free minutes looking for more of his fake social media accounts or anxiously wondering if he’s still paying other women for nude photos and sex-filled conversation. All of my self-confidence has been depleted.
For be longest time, I told myself if I were prettier, smarter, etc. none of this ever would’ve happened. He’s apologized and sworn he regrets hurting me, but I can no longer trust my own judgement that he, or anyone else, is being honest with me. Trying so hard to keep my family together. It’s so lonely, and I feel crazy and ashamed. Thank you all for your comments too. I hope you all find healing and peace.
I’m feeling the exact same at this very moment. I’ve been with my partner for 23 yrs – since I was 14. We have 3 kids together, have been thru 17 miscarriages together, lots of deaths in our families, but always thought we were stronger for it.
I’ve always devoted my life to him and kids. I don’t have a social life. I never go out. I ended up with psoriasis and arthritis at age of 30 and had to give up work. He began traveling for work, and thought he was single when he traveled. And a family man when he was home.
I found out 4 weeks ago he was having affair, but denied it even though I saw all the messages. I had to find truth out for myself, as he abused me for weeks emotionally and psychologically. He said all sorts of terrible things to gaslight me into thinking his affair was my fault (because I wasn’t attractive anymore, I didn’t love him enough, etc). Even after all the emotional and psychological abuse, I still tried to repair my relationship with my husband until I found out last night that he had another affair for years behind my back with best friend. I don’t know where to go from here.
I’m so sorry you have to go through this at such a young age.. It’s the hardest thing you’ll ever go through. You can literally feel your heart breaking and your body crumble from how great the pain of being betrayed really is. But you know what IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT, YOU ARE PRETTY ENOUGH, YOU ARE SMART ENOUGH, YOU CAN AND WILL BE NOT ONLY A INDEPENDENT WOMAN BUT YOU WILL BE AN INDEPENDENT MOTHER AND YOU WILL SURVIVE.
Don’t you ever think it was you who did wrong. It’s them. It is evil. It is selfish and it is wrong. You did nothing but love a person who has no respect for himself or others. Girl keep your head up don’t let no man get you down after all what are they without you?? You are powerful!
My situation was especially confusing as I am a recovered Co-Dependent. Hence a large part of my healing was aimed at finding all the faults in myself that led to the betrayal and rages I suffered. Yet, I did not attempt to control my partner, I took responsibility for my own state of mind and stayed on "my side of the fence". I did not threaten, feigned helplessness or blackmailed.
Only after coming across articles such as yours, and then finding a therapist experienced with Narcissistic Abuse Victims, could I exonerate myself from being caught by a very sly and believable con-man and could I place the "blame" where it belonged. This created a quantum leap in my healing as I am already over-responsible for the consequences of my choices and I definitely did not seek any of what suddenly transpired a year after our marriage. I left 6 weeks after the first shock and went no-contact.
I continue to work on myself, but in hindsight I can see that boxing me as a co-dependent dancing with a narcissist was not helpful, as this is definitely not always the case.
I could really use some support.
I have a therapist and friends support but my heart still holds out for him. He checked out 6 years ago and yet stayed and had his cake too for all these many years which has just torn me apart. I was gaslighted, cheated on, lied, deceived, fooled, and treated like I was never really important or of any worth.
I have lost my identity and truly worth and dignity.
I’ve returned to work and still wish for my husband to return to me yet I know he won’t and it hurts soooo deep.
I’m so sorry this happened to you!
I don’t know exactly what am feeling. One minute am ok another minute my emotions come and breaks me down completely. I realized that my husband has another family somewhere secretly. When I tried to find out, he denies that he is not married but only that he has a child. I don’t know how to move on….am stuck with sometimes sleepless nights, no hunger etc
I’m in the same boat as you. The content of these articles is extremely helpful. The advice given for healing from an experience like this is your lifeline. Follow it as best you can and keep following it until your “sad new future” gathers positive energy and becomes “your ONLY and BEST future”.
People in our position, if we are genuine, will go out into the world and never cause this kind of pain for another human being. That is a beautiful place to be and, for me, it is the first step in learning how to love properly and to convey myself to the world in a functional way.
Same here. 44 years of hell.
I am with u on your situation. Anyone who undergoes torment and selfish actions from their partner deserves compassion.
My husband had a emotional affair and we separated for 9 months. We have currently been back together for a year and I still have breakdowns and some things trigger me and it’s like the day I found out. I lose it!! He is supportive and cries with me and tells me how sorry he is however I will ask questions and it feels like I can’t breathe at times and I feel so broken and this comes out of nowhere. We can have a few good weeks or months and something triggers me and it’s like we are back to where we started. Healing is messy and sometimes I feel like I will never heal completely. I have no future plans. I give him 24 hours at a time. My brain won’t allow me to go any further than 24 hours in my marriage! So when I trigger out it’s a rough 24 hours.
I’m 21 months into this nightmare. 21 months of continued lies, he apparently stopped his acting out behaviors, only to substitute with others, and lie and hide them.
My husband had been in prison for attempted rape and window peeping. I knew this, but he explained it was a by product of a divorce and substance use, and that he had treatment and it wasn’t an issue for him any longer.
I knew though. I knew something wasn’t right. We would have sex literally for hours and he could never finish. His facebook account was full of scantily dressed women, playboy, and nearly nude models. His movie preferences were always extremely sexual, borderline porn. We couldn’t pass a female without him staring at her, front to back and top to bottom.
Red flags and warning bells were going off, and I asked the question…do you watch porn? He was adamant that he did not. Never. He wouldn’t do that. He gave me a hug and reassured me all was well. If only I had known that porn was the least of my worries.
I found out on D-day that yes, he looked at “images, just pictures though.” Lies. That he went to public bathrooms to masturbate or pulled over on the road to jerk off before coming home. A tiny snippet of truth, yet still lying.
Things only got worse.
He didn’t look at images. He watched porn. He didn’t just watch porn, he was looking at child sex abuse material.
He wasn’t just going to public bathrooms, he would pull into busy shopping centers, park his work truck, and prey on women, teenagers, kids, while masturbating right there in his truck. Sometimes it would take a while for him to find the right “one” to finally get him off so his travel time was always off. Someday’s he’d get home faster than others, but he insisted it took the same amount of time, no reason for it not to. Lies.
Then he started working inside people’s homes, and would rummage through their closets or dirty laundry to find their panties to fondle and smell. My husband was standing in strangers homes, smelling other women’s clothes. I have no doubt in my mind that he masturbated in their homes using their underwear.
Then coming home to me as if nothing happened.
He started window peeping again, on the night of my birthday.
Then I found out he attempted to record my adolescent daughter undressing in her room shortly after he moved in, but i just learned this two months ago, but she found his phone before it recorded anything. He insists he never tried again, but I doubt that. I doubt he’s never smelled and fondled my daughters panties too. I’m sure I’ll never know the truth about that.
All of this has come in staggered pieces. It would have to. Who could handle learning all this at once?
I have no friends because I couldn’t stand knowing that every single one if them he imagined having sex with. Even my grown sons girlfriends he imagined having sex with. Every time I asked him to stop, he would stroll right across the line, knowing I wouldn’t take action.
Except, there’s no more asking. He’s in residential treatment now, but he has “attractive” therapists that I have no doubt he’s fantasizing about, so I’m not really sure how that’s even helpful. Since learning this, I’ve removed myself from his treatment because I think it’s a crock of crap and that he’s taking every opportunity to ogle every female staff and imagine screwing every one of them.
Run. Run as fast and as hard as you can. This isn’t a life anyone should have to live. The constant distrust, never knowing if I’m getting the truth, part of the truth, or something that doesn’t even resemble the truth. He lies about anything and everything.
Do yourself a solid and separate yourself from an abusive husband. Before he destroys you.
Man this is me to a T, except he did it twice and gaslighted and yelled at me first when I found the deleted text messages.
Sure he came around after he was backed into a corner, but his first reaction was disgusting . . . both times. Little pieces of me broke and shattered throughout the years as I sacrificed so much for him. I helped him buy and start his own company- I own 51 percent of it. I gave up a-lot to help him and then he threw me out and wanted the company for himself. He has NEVER protected me from anyone or anything. He stood by and watched his parents verbally and emotionally abuse me (no matter how hard I tried). He HAS “tried” and is still “trying” with therapy and husbands groups! But I feel like I’m finally waking up – seeing things and people in the light of truth. I’ve NEVER been emotionally numb with people – but I feel VERY little for him right now and only our amazing four children are keeping us together as a family.
Betrayal by male partner
My husband has old female friends from college that have treated me badly – and he has secretly kept in touch with them for years after promising that he would not have contact with them.
He feels that it is his right to be “friends” with whomever he wants, regardless of what they have done to me, or how their presence in his life, the secret texting, phone calls when he is angry with me , gift exchanges for birthdays and Christmas, Christmas and New Years texts – what it does to our relationship.
I do not know what to do, and our last therapist simply told him to lie to me about it, so I feel doubly betrayed.