Betrayal trauma occurs when you’ve experienced (or are still experiencing) your husband’s emotional and psychological abuse. If you recently found out your husband has been lying to you, using pornography, or other infidelity. Here’s what you need to know.
Need support? Learn about BTR.ORG Group Support Sessions.
Why Does Betrayal Trauma Hurt So Badly?
If you’re experiencing Betrayal Trauma. Your husband may have been or may still be emotionally and psychologically abusive. That caused the betrayal and the trauma. Behaviors like:
- Lying
- Manipulation
- Gaslighting
- Financial control & secrecy
- Secrets about his sexual behaviors
- Sexual coercion
- Verbal abuse
Am I Overreacting Or Am I Traumatized?
If you’re second-guessing whether or not you have Betrayal Trauma, take a look at the list of symptoms below. Keep in mind that not every victim will experience every symptom. And please remember – it’s normal to be deeply affected by your husband’s betrayal. You’re not crazy or overreacting.
To discover if you’re emotionally abused, take this FREE emotional abuse quiz.
26 Symptoms Of Betrayal Trauma
- Feeling helpless
- Hopelessness
- Sleeplessness
- Restlessness / Over achieving
- Anger / Rage
- Fear
- Forgetfulness
- Difficulty concentrating or focusing
- Hyper-vigilance
- Sensitivity
- Anxiety
- Nightmares
- Flashbacks / Intrusive images / Reliving Conversations or events
- Immobility / Agoraphobia
- Withdrawing
- Avoidance
- Mood swings
- Panic attacks
- Depression
- Confusion
- Dissociation
- Inability to eat
- Overeating
- Chronic fatigue
- Immune/endocrine system problems
- Tight and sore muscles
I Have Betrayal Trauma – What Next?
First and foremost, please offer yourself radical compassion. As you come to accept that you’re experiencing Betrayal Trauma. At BTR, we encourage victims to focus on their own emotional safety and wellness as the first priority.
To do that you need to learn more about what’s been happening to you. Listen to The FREE Betrayal Trauma Recovery Podcast. For more information about what’s really going on and how to find peace.
Choose To Focus On Your Emotional Safety & Wellness
You didn’t cause your husband to betray you. But now that you know, you will need support. Please know that you are NOT alone. At BTR.ORG, we know the seemingly endless and daunting devastation of betrayal trauma.
The horror of realizing that your life is not what you thought it was. We understand the loneliness of waking up next to someone who has broken your heart. We know the anger and sadness that seems all-consuming.
Our BTR.ORG Group Sessions are a safe space for you to process these difficult feelings. And find a community of women who understand your pain. Attend today and begin your journey to healing.
Transcript: Do I Have Betrayal Trauma? 26 Symptoms
Anne: It’s just me today. We’ll talk about betrayal trauma. I’d hazard to say, at least millions of women across the globe experience betrayal trauma. The word trauma comes from the Greek word wound. Trauma is the resulting wound from whatever occurred in an event or situation. If it injures us, we end up with a wound. So we can use either the word wound or trauma.
Trauma means going through something really upsetting that leaves a mark or a wound. This could be a wound on your body, like if you get hurt in a car accident or get shot. People can see these kinds of wounds. But trauma can also be something that hurts your feelings or mind, like if someone is mean to you all the time. This kind of wound is not visible, but it can still hurt a lot. All types of trauma come from things that are really hard to deal with.
Psychological and emotional trauma isn’t visible to anyone, even the victim. Because no one can see it, and because generally men do not believe women. There’s this sense that the wound doesn’t exist. Instead, you’re broken, which isn’t true. This is where things get dicey. Because, if you have trauma and been wounded, there was a cause. A wound doesn’t just occur out of thin air.
Which is why men don’t listen to women. So the proof he injured her is their hurt or trauma. And if he’s the type to exploit and objectify women. He has no concept of her actually having an inner world.
Denial & Exploitative Behavior’s Wounds: Psychological & Emotional Trauma
Anne: If he’s using a hammer, he never thinks, is the hammer going to be injured? He doesn’t think the hammer has feelings? Or that it even could be injured. If it breaks, he might need to get a new hammer. So if it’s not working the way he thought it should, he might want to get a new hammer. A man with an exploitative character thinks about women in that way. She’s a tool, and if she’s not working. If she’s not useful. Then it’s time to get a new one.
This absolute denial that she’s capable of being injured because she’s a person. The denial that his actions will injure her highlights his exploitative character on a deep and profound level. Instead, he chooses to think that any distress she feels is her fault. Because she’s broken. So in his mind, if the hammer is not working, it’s a broken hammer. In fact, it’s the hammer’s fault, not his fault.
So In other words, if I’m unable to exploit her. And if she’s not acting like she’s “supposed to.” If she asks too many questions. If she’s sad or broken. That’s her fault, because she’s broken. This type of deep psychological and emotional trauma women experience is devastating.
Aggressions cause it, psychological and emotional. Sometimes in the form of grooming, so they feel good almost daily. The injuries caused by that abuse over time grows, grows and grows. But because you can’t see it with your eyes, it’s hard to know how this is happening. Betrayal trauma occurs when the person you trust the most. Your partner has and continues to violate that trust in an ongoing way.
Research & Misconceptions About Betrayal Trauma
Anne: Jennifer Frayed did some research at the University of Oregon. She described betrayal trauma as trauma that occurs when a person or institution. On which a person depends for survival, significantly violates that person’s trust or wellbeing. So other things that would cause betrayal trauma or these types of emotional and psychological injuries. Are generally considered things like childhood, physical, emotional, psychological or sexual abuse.
Where a caregiver or someone that a child should trust and depend on violates that trust. By repeatedly injuring that child, not just through one physical event. But through emotional and psychological abuse almost daily.
Here at Betrayal Trauma Recovery, BTR.ORG, we discuss the context in which we talk about betrayal trauma. Is when we, as a wife, have been psychologically and emotionally abused continually by our husband. When he lies and gaslights us about his pornography use, his affairs, or any sexual behavior outside the marriage. In this case, because it’s a marriage, and he has made vows and promises. There’s a reasonable expectation of trust. and honesty.
Here’s the thing that most people get wrong about betrayal trauma. They think the trauma or injury comes from the discovery that he’s been using pornography. But the trauma actually grows daily. Through all of the lies, gaslighting, psychological and emotional abuse.
Injuries Start The Day We Met, Abusive Husbands Are Not Trustworthy
Anne: The long con causes the trauma. It started the day we met him. When he used grooming, emotional and psychological abuse to create a false narrative. When it’s revealed he’s actually not who we thought he was. That he has this whole secret life. We also discover that he had never been trustworthy. And has been injuring us since the day he met us.
Even though we can’t see it, we can sense it. We feel hurt and try to explain it to others. Or talk to a therapist or a pastor about the pain. We think it’s just a small problem, but it turns out to be much bigger, affecting our body and mind more than we thought. When we ask for help, neither we nor those helping us realize that we’re still getting hurt.
We don’t see, and they don’t educate us. That those injuries came from and continue to come from emotional and psychological abuse. And we are still in danger. Then they also injure us. Because if the source of the injury hasn’t been accurately named. And the cause hasn’t been stopped. Our injuries will continue to grow. Unfortunately, in religious settings, this can also cause spiritual injuries for women of faith. Because he keeps us in the dark about what’s happening.
We may question, does God love me? Does he even care? Because clergy doesn’t accurately see that a perpetrator actively harms her and causes injuries. They fall into that misogynistic trap of thinking. Because she hasn’t prayed enough or read her scriptures. Or because she doesn’t have enough faith. And she is just acting like this, because she’s broken. Rather than seeing the truth.
The Serious Problem Of Unrecognized Active Psychological & Emotional Abuse
Anne: There’s a serious problem, she’s injured and needs help. Clergy could act as the Savior would. And help deliver these women from these injuries. So they could actually heal. But instead, they usually don’t acknowledge the cause of the actual injury. Instead, they grow the trauma by calling her broken. Which is emotional and psychological abuse in this case. Because she’s not broken. It is a lie.
As you listen, do you identify with the word trauma? Would you describe your experience? When you found out your husband used pornography. Or had an affair, solicited prostitutes or sexted a coworker? Would you describe that experience as traumatic? And then also looking back and realizing all the gaslighting and lies?
If you relate to the word trauma, we have our daily BTR.ORG Group Sessions. Where women share their experiences. I’d also be honored to hear your story. If you’d like to share your story on the Betrayal Trauma Recovery Podcast, email podcast@btr.org.
Symptoms Of Betrayal Trauma
Anne: If you have betrayal trauma, here are 26 symptoms that you may be experiencing:
Feeling helpless, hopeless, sleepless, restlessness or overachieving. Additionally feeling anger, rage, fear, forgetfulness, difficulty concentrating, difficulty focusing or reading. Feeling hypervigilance, sensitivity, anxiety, nightmares. flashbacks, or intrusive images. Also, you may relive conversations or events, feel immobility, agoraphobia, withdrawing, and avoidance. Avoidance of things you want to do, mood swings, panic attacks, depression, confusion, or disassociation.
Maybe the inability to eat. Or overeating, chronic fatigue, immune endocrine system problems. Lastly, tight and sore muscles. Although I could actually go on and on. Betrayal trauma victims will experience symptoms like this. From the very first day they meet this abusive man. They might end up going to therapy for years. Misdiagnosed with depression. Not realizing they’re depressed, because they’re injured.
Healing From Betrayal Trauma
Anne: So the key to healing from betrayal trauma is: First, recognizing exactly what is causing the trauma. Then putting some distance between yourself and the harm. In fact, I describe exactly how to do that in the Betrayal Trauma Recovery Living Free Workshop. The Living Free Workshop helps women determine if their husband has an exploitative character.
After the workshop, you can clearly see what his true character is. Then if he has an exploitative character, it will teach you emotional and psychological safety strategies.
If you’re new to this whole concept of betrayal trauma. Listen to the Betrayal Trauma Recovery Podcasts. Go to Apple Podcasts and click subscribe. Also, we’re on YouTube, search for our channel Betrayal Trauma Recovery.
I’ve absolutely identified with the Trauma Model. And felt incredibly angry at the Co Dependent label.Like the examples above, I had NO clue of any of the addiction! All compulsive behaviors were hidden from me.If anything was off, A feeling of disconnect, a friendship with a woman… what ever felt off.I spoke up, spoke my needs and advocated for my safety and self worth! Not Co Dependent behaviors.
I do also Identify as a Co Dependent. Now further in recovery, I see my personality defects. I was raised by addicts, and groomed to save, Fix and comfort them before myself. Did that set me up for attracting an addict?It’s hard to say. My husband was everything my family of origin was not.Stable, kind, loving and a bit quite.
I was devastated when my safe world came crashing down.The abandonment pain of my husband’s addiction now mirrored my childhood. Selfish self serving behaviors with no thought The how they effected me.Disregard of my needs and breaking my heart over and over again.
I’m trying now to deal with the massive abandonment issues I received as a child, and how this has left me with no sense of safety.
I have days and weeks now 18months into recovery that I feel "normal, happy and forget about my husband’sAddiction." But the deep pain seems to be able to surface and break open easily still.
This is exactly my story. Raised by addicts that passed away and husbands addiction has mirrors my childhood. Thank you for sharing your story. I need real help.
I fit all 26 symptoms. I don’t think I can be helped. I’m 45 and never leave my house. I won’t leave my 3 dogs. I feel like I’m already gone. Gone
Carrie,
I just saw your reply. I hope you check back in because you’re worth it. NOBODY is beyond being helped. Hang in there and take ONE DAY at a time. Just BREATHE!
I’m so sorry for what you are going through. I think God works in mysterious ways and I’m thankful that you’re now in a position to get help and become more whole and healed as a person. At some point, we all have to do the work. And sometimes that’s exactly when we find out, when the world as we know it comes crushing down. Best wishes to you on your new journey. The caterpillar said, “It’s not over!”
I have these symptoms. Before I got pregnant, he was always cheating on me with his first kid’s mother. But I didn’t know, and he made me think I was crazy. After I had my son, I tried to leave him, but he’d just sit outside my mom’s or guilt trip me with text messages and honk the horn. He cried and proposed to me. That’s when the anxiety and phobias really hit me. We were engaged for 6 months, during that time (I found out later) he said he was at work, but he was actually getting hotel rooms to cheat. He wouldn’t stay home with me like he used to. Even the morning before our wedding rehearsal he cheated again. Thank goodness she told me. She showed me all the text messages.
After that, he admitted everything and agreed to stop messaging her. He promised he’d never cheat again. But last Christmas, I found evidence of more cheating, getting hotel rooms, etc. I want to leave, but it’s hard when I have no vehicle and everything is in his name. I get panic attacks and flashbacks. He doesn’t understand I can’t love him anymore like I use to.
Oh I feel you. Love is a strong deep emotion. When u fall in love, it makes u hurt in ways u never thought u could. There is a way out, u just have to search for it. My husband of 30 years has cheated on me the last 12 that I know of and I can’t leave. Love hurts. Prayers!
Every single word here resonates. That last part feels like an uphill battle. I recognize there is still joy to be found in every day, though the pain is still unbearable at times. To have someone commit to protecting your heart and actively seeking things or others that they consciously know would break it is crushing.
I was married for 41 years when I heard my ex spouses full disclosure. Sex addict who lived a secret life since we started dating at 15. One discovery of being with a prostitute at 20 years of marriage.. with complete lying by ex spouse about the incident being "one time only"…2 and 1/2 years post divorce and I still deal with betrayal trauma and ptsd symptoms. Have been to therapy many times. Have re-connected with God and He is my strength and I continually pray for healing. I feel I may have some permanent damage from being in a relationship with a sex addict for 46 years. Divorce does not help healing. Sex addiction changed my life forever. My goal is to help other women dealing with the pain and changes from sex addiction.
I’m so sorry that happened to you. That kind of behavior should be against the law since it leaves behind victims. The pain is very real.
.
7 months later mine is still denying what he did was wrong.
Thank you for sharing this valuable information on betrayal trauma. I’ve been experiencing almost PTSD-like symptoms since being gaslit by my partner during my pregnancy almost two years ago. I still think about it every day. Being lied to and manipulated made me feel so powerless and helpless that I’ve become obsessed with preventing it before it happens again.
I feel so stupid and pathetic spending my free minutes looking for more of his fake social media accounts or anxiously wondering if he’s still paying other women for nude photos and sex-filled conversation. All of my self-confidence has been depleted.
For be longest time, I told myself if I were prettier, smarter, etc. none of this ever would’ve happened. He’s apologized and sworn he regrets hurting me, but I can no longer trust my own judgement that he, or anyone else, is being honest with me. Trying so hard to keep my family together. It’s so lonely, and I feel crazy and ashamed. Thank you all for your comments too. I hope you all find healing and peace.
I’m feeling the exact same at this very moment. I’ve been with my partner for 23 yrs – since I was 14. We have 3 kids together, have been thru 17 miscarriages together, lots of deaths in our families, but always thought we were stronger for it.
I’ve always devoted my life to him and kids. I don’t have a social life. I never go out. I ended up with psoriasis and arthritis at age of 30 and had to give up work. He began traveling for work, and thought he was single when he traveled. And a family man when he was home.
I found out 4 weeks ago he was having affair, but denied it even though I saw all the messages. I had to find truth out for myself, as he abused me for weeks emotionally and psychologically. He said all sorts of terrible things to gaslight me into thinking his affair was my fault (because I wasn’t attractive anymore, I didn’t love him enough, etc). Even after all the emotional and psychological abuse, I still tried to repair my relationship with my husband until I found out last night that he had another affair for years behind my back with best friend. I don’t know where to go from here.
I’m so sorry you have to go through this at such a young age.. It’s the hardest thing you’ll ever go through. You can literally feel your heart breaking and your body crumble from how great the pain of being betrayed really is. But you know what IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT, YOU ARE PRETTY ENOUGH, YOU ARE SMART ENOUGH, YOU CAN AND WILL BE NOT ONLY A INDEPENDENT WOMAN BUT YOU WILL BE AN INDEPENDENT MOTHER AND YOU WILL SURVIVE.
Don’t you ever think it was you who did wrong. It’s them. It is evil. It is selfish and it is wrong. You did nothing but love a person who has no respect for himself or others. Girl keep your head up don’t let no man get you down after all what are they without you?? You are powerful!
Sanctity of marriage means nothing these days. Was dying from kidney disease and actively getting cheated on.
My situation was especially confusing as I am a recovered Co-Dependent. Hence a large part of my healing was aimed at finding all the faults in myself that led to the betrayal and rages I suffered. Yet, I did not attempt to control my partner, I took responsibility for my own state of mind and stayed on "my side of the fence". I did not threaten, feigned helplessness or blackmailed.
Only after coming across articles such as yours, and then finding a therapist experienced with Narcissistic Abuse Victims, could I exonerate myself from being caught by a very sly and believable con-man and could I place the "blame" where it belonged. This created a quantum leap in my healing as I am already over-responsible for the consequences of my choices and I definitely did not seek any of what suddenly transpired a year after our marriage. I left 6 weeks after the first shock and went no-contact.
I continue to work on myself, but in hindsight I can see that boxing me as a co-dependent dancing with a narcissist was not helpful, as this is definitely not always the case.
I could really use some support.
I have a therapist and friends support but my heart still holds out for him. He checked out 6 years ago and yet stayed and had his cake too for all these many years which has just torn me apart. I was gaslighted, cheated on, lied, deceived, fooled, and treated like I was never really important or of any worth.
I have lost my identity and truly worth and dignity.
I’ve returned to work and still wish for my husband to return to me yet I know he won’t and it hurts soooo deep.
I’m so sorry this happened to you!
I don’t know exactly what am feeling. One minute am ok another minute my emotions come and breaks me down completely. I realized that my husband has another family somewhere secretly. When I tried to find out, he denies that he is not married but only that he has a child. I don’t know how to move on….am stuck with sometimes sleepless nights, no hunger etc
I’m in the same boat as you. The content of these articles is extremely helpful. The advice given for healing from an experience like this is your lifeline. Follow it as best you can and keep following it until your “sad new future” gathers positive energy and becomes “your ONLY and BEST future”.
People in our position, if we are genuine, will go out into the world and never cause this kind of pain for another human being. That is a beautiful place to be and, for me, it is the first step in learning how to love properly and to convey myself to the world in a functional way.
Same here. 44 years of hell.
I am with u on your situation. Anyone who undergoes torment and selfish actions from their partner deserves compassion.
My husband had a emotional affair and we separated for 9 months. We have currently been back together for a year and I still have breakdowns and some things trigger me and it’s like the day I found out. I lose it!! He is supportive and cries with me and tells me how sorry he is however I will ask questions and it feels like I can’t breathe at times and I feel so broken and this comes out of nowhere. We can have a few good weeks or months and something triggers me and it’s like we are back to where we started. Healing is messy and sometimes I feel like I will never heal completely. I have no future plans. I give him 24 hours at a time. My brain won’t allow me to go any further than 24 hours in my marriage! So when I trigger out it’s a rough 24 hours.
I’m 21 months into this nightmare. 21 months of continued lies, he apparently stopped his acting out behaviors, only to substitute with others, and lie and hide them.
My husband had been in prison for attempted rape and window peeping. I knew this, but he explained it was a by product of a divorce and substance use, and that he had treatment and it wasn’t an issue for him any longer.
I knew though. I knew something wasn’t right. We would have sex literally for hours and he could never finish. His facebook account was full of scantily dressed women, playboy, and nearly nude models. His movie preferences were always extremely sexual, borderline porn. We couldn’t pass a female without him staring at her, front to back and top to bottom.
Red flags and warning bells were going off, and I asked the question…do you watch porn? He was adamant that he did not. Never. He wouldn’t do that. He gave me a hug and reassured me all was well. If only I had known that porn was the least of my worries.
I found out on D-day that yes, he looked at “images, just pictures though.” Lies. That he went to public bathrooms to masturbate or pulled over on the road to jerk off before coming home. A tiny snippet of truth, yet still lying.
Things only got worse.
He didn’t look at images. He watched porn. He didn’t just watch porn, he was looking at child sex abuse material.
He wasn’t just going to public bathrooms, he would pull into busy shopping centers, park his work truck, and prey on women, teenagers, kids, while masturbating right there in his truck. Sometimes it would take a while for him to find the right “one” to finally get him off so his travel time was always off. Someday’s he’d get home faster than others, but he insisted it took the same amount of time, no reason for it not to. Lies.
Then he started working inside people’s homes, and would rummage through their closets or dirty laundry to find their panties to fondle and smell. My husband was standing in strangers homes, smelling other women’s clothes. I have no doubt in my mind that he masturbated in their homes using their underwear.
Then coming home to me as if nothing happened.
He started window peeping again, on the night of my birthday.
Then I found out he attempted to record my adolescent daughter undressing in her room shortly after he moved in, but i just learned this two months ago, but she found his phone before it recorded anything. He insists he never tried again, but I doubt that. I doubt he’s never smelled and fondled my daughters panties too. I’m sure I’ll never know the truth about that.
All of this has come in staggered pieces. It would have to. Who could handle learning all this at once?
I have no friends because I couldn’t stand knowing that every single one if them he imagined having sex with. Even my grown sons girlfriends he imagined having sex with. Every time I asked him to stop, he would stroll right across the line, knowing I wouldn’t take action.
Except, there’s no more asking. He’s in residential treatment now, but he has “attractive” therapists that I have no doubt he’s fantasizing about, so I’m not really sure how that’s even helpful. Since learning this, I’ve removed myself from his treatment because I think it’s a crock of crap and that he’s taking every opportunity to ogle every female staff and imagine screwing every one of them.
Run. Run as fast and as hard as you can. This isn’t a life anyone should have to live. The constant distrust, never knowing if I’m getting the truth, part of the truth, or something that doesn’t even resemble the truth. He lies about anything and everything.
Do yourself a solid and separate yourself from an abusive husband. Before he destroys you.
Man this is me to a T, except he did it twice and gaslighted and yelled at me first when I found the deleted text messages.
Sure he came around after he was backed into a corner, but his first reaction was disgusting . . . both times. Little pieces of me broke and shattered throughout the years as I sacrificed so much for him. I helped him buy and start his own company- I own 51 percent of it. I gave up a-lot to help him and then he threw me out and wanted the company for himself. He has NEVER protected me from anyone or anything. He stood by and watched his parents verbally and emotionally abuse me (no matter how hard I tried). He HAS “tried” and is still “trying” with therapy and husbands groups! But I feel like I’m finally waking up – seeing things and people in the light of truth. I’ve NEVER been emotionally numb with people – but I feel VERY little for him right now and only our amazing four children are keeping us together as a family.
Betrayal by male partner
My husband has old female friends from college that have treated me badly – and he has secretly kept in touch with them for years after promising that he would not have contact with them.
He feels that it is his right to be “friends” with whomever he wants, regardless of what they have done to me, or how their presence in his life, the secret texting, phone calls when he is angry with me , gift exchanges for birthdays and Christmas, Christmas and New Years texts – what it does to our relationship.
I do not know what to do, and our last therapist simply told him to lie to me about it, so I feel doubly betrayed.