Is it just a reality of marriage that there are ups and downs? Good and bad times? Or are you experiencing emotional and psychological abuse?

What Do Emotionally & Psychologically Abusive Marriages Look Like?

For many women in our community, emotionally and psychologically abusive marriages follow patterns of seemingly peaceful, connected, and intimate times, followed by disconnected, confusing, and sometimes overtly abusive times. How do you know if it’s psychological abuse?

What Do “Good Times” With An Emotional And Psychological Abuse Look Like?

Victims express that the good times are so good. They don’t realize the “good times” are grooming periods that are in and of themselves psychological abuse.

At BTR, we’ve come to understand that the “good” part of the cycle is often the abuser simply grooming the victim. “Relapse” into abusive behaviors is not part of the recovery process. In fact, it’s an important part of understanding that the abuser wasn’t actually doing those seemingly healthy behaviors to permanently change. But because they want to become a healthy, kind person – they were doing it to keep the victim engaged in the relationship.

Grooming looks like:

• Saying the things you’ve longed to hear (that he withheld them before)
• Doing the things you’ve longed for him to do (that he withheld from you before)
• Telling you that you make him a better person or that he can’t live without you
• Distancing himself from people or things that you’ve admonished him about before (but that he refused to quit before . . . and until he does it again).

Victims may feel reluctant to bring up the “bad times” so that they can enjoy the “good” portion of the cycle. They may feel they’re walking on eggshells to prolong the “healthy” period. They may hope and believe that the “good” or “healthy” period is permanent. Then feel devastated when the “good” period ends. It’s important for victims to recognize these grooming behaviors manufactured to trap you.

Box Checking Is Just Grooming

If he’s emotionally and psychologically abusive and starts any of the following, it doesn’t mean he’s safe yet. It just means a psychologically abusive man is doing stuff:

• Attending therapy
• Church attendance
• Attending 12-step programs
• Planning family outings
• Halting pornography use or using it less (or lying that he’s stopped doing it)
• Being more respectful and kind
• More responsible with substance use
• Being more responsible with money
• Encouraging or allowing you to practice self-care, including going to support groups

If he’s doing stuff, good for him. From a safe distance, observe his actions over a long period to watch. The psychological abuse is usually discovered in about 6 months to a year, and often much sooner. If you discover he’s been lying to you during this grooming period, that 100% means that period of calm was all manufactured psychological abuse.

To avoid this box checking period, women say The BTR.ORG Living Free Workshop was a life saver:

“I spent so many years giving him boxes to check. I didn’t realize his box checking was psychological abuse!!!” said one BTR.ORG Community Member.

“I started doing what I learned in the Living Free Workshop, and it was like night and day different. Thank you!”

What Do “Bad Times” With An Emotional And Psychological Abuse Look Like?

When the grooming is over, the abuser may:

• Stop attending any meetings (church, 12-step, therapy) and insist that the victim “forced”, “coerced”, “manipulated”, or “threatened” them into going.
• Become hostile, violent, angry, or passive aggressive toward the victim/family.
• Begin sexually acting out and may lie or gaslight about it.
• Gaslight the victim into believing that any problems he once admitted to are non-existent. That she imagined them or exaggerated them in her head.
• Gaslight the victim into believing that she is controlling and is therefore the problem.
• Sexually coerce, assault, and/or rape the victim.
• Verbally abuse the victim.
• Create confusion and chaos with word salad, gaslighting, and other manipulative tools.
• Become disengaged and disinterested in the victim and the family.
• Become irresponsible, secretive, or controlling with family finances.
• Control the victim’s privacy and time, insisting that it’s for her own safety.

If you’re experiencing any of this type of psychological abuse, or any other type of abuse, you need support.

When The Psychological Abuse Is Revealed

At Betrayal Trauma Recovery, we understand the exhaustion, terror, and extreme frustration that comes from the intense pendulum swings of a psychological abuser’s behavior. It’s devastating. You deserve support – consider attending a BTR.ORG Group Session today.