Many women in the Betrayal Trauma Recovery community are trying to heal trauma from childhood sexual abuse. Even while also dealing with their husband’s emotional abuse. If you relate, here’s what you need to know.

Did you know that sexual abuse never occurs without emotional abuse? There are 19 types of emotional abuse. To see what types of emotional abuse you also experienced, take our free emotional abuse quiz.

At BTR, we know how long, lonely, and painful the road to healing can be. Don’t travel this road alone. Attend a Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Session TODAY.

Transcript: Begin Healing Trauma From Childhood Sexual Abuse

Anne: On today’s episode. I have a fellow Shero who experienced her own abuse. We’re going to call her Reagan. Welcome Reagan.

Reagan: Thank you, Anne. So nice to be here today.

Anne: Let’s start with your story. I was sexually abused by my grandfather when I was 10 years old. From that moment of trauma from childhood starting, life just changed. It’s amazing how immediately life shifts when abuse starts.

Reagan: For some time, my grandfather lived in our home, and prior to that he was a very close friend and companion, someone who I enjoyed spending time with. But then, overnight, all that changed. Finding myself in this situation at 10 years old, where I’m scared, confused, I don’t understand what’s going on. That was daunting. It went on for some time.

My mom just happened to walk by one day and noticed what he was doing. When my parents discovered what was going on, they immediately got him out of my home. Which was something I’ve always been thankful for, because I know that’s not always the case. And, you know, Anne, even though he was out of the house, that didn’t do anything to stop the experiences I was having. The thoughts that were now there with me daily. You know, I’ve done something to cause this. I’m bad, I’m broken, I’m dirty, I’m unlovable, I’m worthless.

Those thoughts really remained with me. They were there during a 10 year relationship that was abusive, every moment of feeling suicidal. They were there just in my day-to-day walk.

Struggles & Turning Points

Reagan: I found myself divorcing. I was in a new apartment. All I really had in that apartment was my sleeping bag and a lamp. I had one of those like, oh, moments. Have you ever had one of those, Anne? Where you’re like, Oh, this is not good. This is not working. My life is not looking the way I want it to look. I had a little sit down talk with myself in that moment and said, you know, enough is enough.

You’ve got to figure this out. You’ve been avoiding thinking about the abuse, doing anything about it on a real level for so long. Now’s the time. That’s what really propelled me, I just became obsessed. I just decided to answer this question. I’ve got to figure out how I actually heal from this trauma from childhood. So I started reading everything I could.

I started to study neuroscience, and that’s when things started to click for me. I discovered how trauma and abuse really affect the brain. And I began to think, okay, I can use that information to help me heal. So I don’t spend like the rest of my life in recovery. I was really just trying to get myself together. So, bit by bit, I began to break free from that trauma.

Anne: I’m in the phase where I want to be done with the trauma. I want to be healed, and yet I’m still having triggers. I’m still having trouble with self care, but I can see complete healing in the horizon. I believe it’s possible, and I am working toward it. I’m very excited about that day, but I don’t know when I’m going to wake up and be like, Oh, this is the day, but I know it’s possible.

Staying in that place of possibility

Reagan: Staying in that place of possibility, even when some unknowns are still sitting there, can be challenging. In my experience, there were just little moments that would happen. Here’s me showing up in my life so radically different, ultimately to heal an injury. Just like we would heal any other injury, like a broken leg. We don’t spend the rest of our lives trying to manage a broken leg or thinking I broke my leg, so now that’s just the way it is and there’s nothing I can do about it.

Do things to heal and mend. Eventually, we can think about that day that we broke our leg, but it doesn’t have the same charge. It doesn’t have that impact. It becomes just a piece of our story. I’ve not yet figured out how to stop things that are challenging from coming up.

Anne: Totally!

Reagan: But does that throw us all the way back into our trauma?

Anne: It’s funny, because I’ll go back into that trauma mode. But not for long anymore. I did it over the weekend, actually. I was like, I know what to do, but I don’t want to yet. Today, I want to be here in my sadness and anger. I just want to feel this. I sat in it for a while.

Reagan: I love that you’re saying that, because for those who have experienced trauma from childhood and abuse and have a setback, or we have a day where we’re just not feeling it or we’re just particularly tender, right? We might be hungry, tired, stressed, overwhelmed, depleted. If we can be kind and gentle to ourselves and then say, tomorrow’s a new day. I can pick it up again tomorrow.

Trauma From Childhood: Understanding Trauma & the Brain

Reagan: That’s so powerful. And even just that distinction, rather than now everything’s wrong or bad or back to where I started. Like, yep, I’m just kind of curling up right now, getting nice and cozy with my feelings. That awareness, in and of itself, is healing.

Anne: Observing it from a distance, looking at myself, thinking it’s okay. You can feel that for right now. Being able to have that metacognition, that ability to observe my own thinking patterns and thoughts.

Reagan: One of the things I discovered is that the brain processes information, and it is important to understand why we have the reactions we have. The brain is composed of neurons, and there are billions and billions of these little guys. As we have experienced, these neurons are talking and creating what are called neuronal pathways. For example, if you think about the first time you had pumpkin pie. In that moment, a neuronal pathway is being created and associations are getting built in.

So who was there, where you were, what the smells were, did you like it, did you not like it? Right here today, as I’m talking about pumpkin pie, that same exact neuronal pathway is being lit up. [00:06:00] And every time a pathway is lit up, it is forced, but it is also added to. So now your initial memory of pumpkin pie and this moment of listening to me talk about pumpkin pie, they’re now together. When it comes to pumpkin pie, that’s not such a bad thing. But when it’s a memory of trauma from childhood, those neuronal pathways hold associations. So it might be sights, smells, colors, textures, words.

Creating New Pathways

Reagan: So that in the present day, when we come into contact with something that even closely resembles those associations. That same neuronal pathway lights up, and it causes the system to respond as if the thing that was happening back then is happening right now. And this is essentially what being triggered or having a flashback is. I wanted to see if I could actually create new associations, if I could create new neuronal pathways, so that I could decrease the things in my exterior world that would be triggering.

And so that I could also transform my internal thinking, those belief systems that become so entrenched for survivors. Like I’m not good enough, people are always out to get me, I’m just here to be used. I really wanted to think about trauma from childhood or abuse as an injury, an injury to the brain, and what do I do to heal my brain?

Anne: I was at the Utah Coalition Against Pornography Conference, and a woman came up to me and said, “I so appreciate your podcast. It’s so helpful. One of the things your podcast did for me was it enabled me to identify as a victim, which I hadn’t done before. It gave me space to do that.”

Acknowledging Victimhood

Anne: And I agree with her. Before I could heal, I had to acknowledge I had been wounded.

Reagan: Yes.

Anne: I found a lot of women, especially the women in our community, who are wives or ex wives of men who are abusive in one way or another. And they’re having a hard time wrapping their head around the fact that they had nothing to do with it. One of the reasons they have a really hard time wrapping their head around it is because abusive men manipulate you. And lie to you in a way that you think you have something to do with it.

Reagan: That reminded me of this moment with my ex husband. I was washing dishes, and he knocked one of the glasses off the counter onto the floor, and it shattered. He turns to me and says, what’s wrong with you? I don’t understand why you always do things like this. And I thought, what’s happening here. That was my first thought, but about 10 minutes later, I was apologizing. Exactly what you were saying. That moment where we go, this happened. It’s a big deal. It matters. It’s impacting my life, yes.

Anne: Like at first I was like, I’m an abuse survivor. Wait, no, it’s not over. I didn’t survive the Titanic.

Trauma From childhood: Challenges of Ongoing Abuse

Anne: My ex-husband, who’s still abusive to my children and still harasses me. Actually, technically speaking, still a victim of abuse, an ongoing victim of abuse. Yeah. So I’m like, what do I call myself then an abuse sufferer?

Reagan: Yeah, you’re right. You know, language is so important, and language has really defined the women’s movement. That moment when women could start saying survivor was impactful. I mean, it was powerful. And I’m in the same boat as you. It’s so tricky when you find yourself in that place of trauma from childhood and abuse, like internally you have these structures and systems. that now feel complete. You feel very resolved and healed. And then in your day to day life though, you’re forced to interact with someone who is abusive.

Anne: Exactly, and in many women’s cases, because they share children with this person. Because the laws are, they cannot have zero contact with their abuser. And in many cases, it’s their sexual abuser, because in many cases for women who listen to our podcast, their husbands were also sexually abusive. It is a tricky situation.

The Concept of Sheroes

Anne: I’ve been calling us Sheroes. We’ve got all of our equipment on. We have our helmet, and all of our tools. We still have to go into that burning building every day

Reagan: That’s fantastic. I love that. Sheroes is really beautiful. The image that’s coming to mind for me is a shielded survivor, in the sense that you’re going to interact with someone who’s going to throw abusive language towards you or abusive behavior towards you. And that takes so much courage. It takes so much energy.

Anne: It wasn’t this weekend that I realized how triggering the word survivor is for me. And I thought, why is that? It’s because to me, that implies …

Reagan: A completion.

Anne: … that the thing that almost killed you, is done. So I survived the tornado. And when you’re constantly in the tornado, it doesn’t feel like you’re a survivor. It feels like I’m good at standing inside a tornado. I don’t know what the word for that is. I’m thinking the word for that is Shero. I’m good at sinking on the Titanic every day, all day long.

Reagan: Oh my.

Hope & Healing

Reagan: In my journey, what has made the biggest difference is knowing that I can break free. Like that even exists. I was talking about everything that had happened. I said, so what do I do about this? Is there a way to have a normal life? Can I just be free from everything? And this therapist turned to me, and said, No. I started laughing. I was like, Oh, you’re funny. Ha ha ha. So how do I do this? And he said, No, this will be something you always have to deal with. I thought you are not right. That has got to be wrong.

Anne: Yeah, I would have said the same thing. I’d have been like, uh, no.

Reagan: But unfortunately, that message is dominant. So many of us who’ve experienced abuse or trauma from childhood or abuse get this message. It’s a lifelong sentence. It shapes you forever. It never goes away. It’s always a thing. Wander into this mindset shift, maybe that’s not true. Maybe there is something else. Like, what actually needs to happen to produce the best result? So I get triggered. What am I going to do about that? That question really became the dominant theme in my mind.

Anne: Yeah, I could not agree with you more. I mean, even if I feel like I’m still living in the tornado, I am actively, and I mean actively, working. This is so awful, but this is how I say it. If I work hard enough and work on my own healing. Right now, I am proactively creating the life I want.

Trauma From Childhood: Escaping the tornado of abuse

Anne: I believe I will eventually escape that tornado. And I will walk out of that tornado alive and happy. Yeah, and that tornado might still be raging somewhere, but you don’t have to be standing in it anymore. And I don’t think we need to know how and when that would happen. As long as we’re actively working toward it. And my guess is, I mean, this is just a guess, because this hasn’t happened yet for me. But, my guess is that one day I’ll be like, Whoa. I’m fine.

Reagan: Like I’m fine. this moment, I was sitting on my couch. I was reading a book, had my cat on my lap, and had some candles, and it was just a night at home. I looked up and thought, my life is so boring. Thank God. It was like that. It was like, wow, here it is.

Anne: Yes.

Reagan: Oh, this is actually it. It’s good and quiet. There isn’t all this chaos, worry, and stress of trauma from childhood. Yeah, it snuck up on me like that. It wasn’t like I knew before that moment that I was there.

Anne: Exactly, when people say, are you going to do something fun this weekend? Right now I’m like, oh, I hope not. Mm hmm. Yeah. Like, no, no, no. I’m working toward boring. Like, can I get there?

Reagan: Yes.

Anne: Yeah.

Reagan: Yeah, absolutely, I love that.

Anne: I so appreciate you coming on the podcast today.

Reagan: It’s been a real treat, Anne. I appreciate you and it’s been nice to connect with your community.

Living A Boring Life

Anne: You’ve been listening to one of the first interviews I ever did about trauma from childhood and abuse. And I want to let you know that I arrived there. Using the Living Free Strategies, I was able to become completely free. And now my children and I are completely at peace. Living that boring life that I talked about with Reagan so many years ago.

I know it’s dark for you right now. I know it’s difficult. I’ve been there. At Betrayal Trauma Recovery, we’re here for you. We’ve walked this hard road. I’ve developed The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Living Free Strategies to help you know what to do next. To learn more, click on this link.