Should couples stay together after infidelity? Here’s what some unfaithful husbands anonymously said. Their answers will shock you. Most unfaithful men use emotional abuse tactics to hide their infidelity. To discover if you’ve been experiencing any one of the 19 different types of emotional abuse, take our free emotional abuse test.

If you need live support, attend a Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Session today.

Transcript: Should Couples Stay Together After Infidelity?

Anne: It’s just me today. If you’re wondering, should couples stay together after infidelity? As you’re considering this question. Should I stay or should I go? If you’ve listened to this podcast, you’re educated about emotional and psychological abuse. If you’ve enrolled in The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Living Free Workshop, you’ve been learning safety strategies.

Well, today I want to share with you what some men think of these concepts. These are men who ask the same question. Should I stay after I have cheated on my wife? They listened to this podcast or read the books I recommend. I don’t want them to listen to this podcast, I don’t want abusers listening. Don’t share this podcast with your husband, please, please, please.

Because your safety is my top priority, and it could put you in danger. So please do not do that. Do not share that you’re listening with them. But I can’t stop them from doing that. And then they either left a review on the podcast, or they left a review on Amazon, or they just wrote me an email. So I’m going to share with you their thoughts.

One guy wrote, I would like to take a moment to challenge your model. And then he’s extremely emotionally and psychologically abusive. He talks about how his ex-wife left him because of Betrayal Trauma Recovery. Basically, he was like, Betrayal Trauma Recovery told her it wasn’t a marital issue, that it was an abuse issue, and that he was the abuser.

Blame & Gaslighting

Anne: And then he goes on to say he’s not, that she’s the abuser. He blamed her for the emotional abuse. She’s the one abusing him. Because this is why I don’t want you to give this podcast to your abuser. Then he uses all the language we use in the podcast to be emotionally abusive to her. He said, I wouldn’t tolerate the gaslighting, the blame shifting, and me being responsible for her reactions to “fair questions.” And then he said his wife is a diagnosed narcissist. And that we didn’t figure it out.

And he’s now trying to prove to me that she’s the one sick and that we ruined their marriage. Now this is interesting. If he listened to Betrayal Trauma Recovery, learned about abuse, and his wife was an actual diagnosed narcissist. This is rare for a narcissist to actually be diagnosed, because they resist going in for a diagnosis. But let’s just say that this is the case. Let’s take this at face value for a minute. Then wouldn’t he know that she’s the one that ruined the marriage?

I mean, he said, I would not tolerate the gaslighting, blame shifting, and me being responsible for her reactions to “fair questions,” right? So he’s describing an abuser. So, wouldn’t he blame her abuse? Why would he blame Betrayal Trauma Recovery? We just educate people about abuse. And, if he can now recognize abuse and knows that she’s abusive, he should say, like, she ruined our relationship due to her abusive behaviors.

If she was so abusive, he would have asked himself, what boundaries do I need to set? After her abuse, after her infidelity, after her blame and gaslighting should they stay together?

Irony In Abusers’ Complaints

Anne: The ironic thing about this letter is that he says if it weren’t for Betrayal Trauma Recovery, his marriage would be intact and everything would be alright. This message does not make sense. If he genuinely thought she was all these terrible things that he says in this message. Would he not thank Betrayal Trauma Recovery? For educating him about this type of emotional and psychological abuse?

In this guy’s case, if he thinks she’s abusive, terrible, and awful. Then Betrayal Trauma Recovery delivered him from this terrible relationship. So that would be another thing that he could thank BTR for. Because she learned about abuse, she got to safety, and now I no longer have to be around her narcissistic, terrible, awful, abusiveness, win-win. Why is he so upset that his ex wife, who is, in his mind, a terrible, awful, abusive, crazy person, separated herself from him?

It does not make sense. His last line in this message is, Please don’t sell them and their families short like you did us. And I’m like, from your description of your ex wife, you sound like you hate her. Why in the world would I feel bad about her divorcing you? I wouldn’t want any woman out there to be in a situation where her husband hated her guts and thought she was crazy. This is how you know when it’s time to leave. That is not fair for her.

And since your disdain for her is definitely coming through this letter that you sent me. No, I don’t feel bad that she decided to divorce you. Because you genuinely do not seem to like her in any way, shape, or form. That happens quite a bit at Betrayal Trauma Recovery.

Pro-Safety, Not Pro-Divorce: Staying Together After Infidelity

Anne: They write and say, you broke up my family. So you’re a bad person, which by the way, we’re not pro-divorce. pro-safety. As the woman recognizes, whoa, I’m enduring emotional and psychological harm. I need to get to safety. Then we get all the blame, like we’re man haters, we ruin families apparently. When I get a message like this, they also explain to me how terrible she is at the same time. So no abuser ever writes and says, Betrayal Trauma Recovery, you broke up my family.

And my wife is a wonderful, loving, caring, honest, loving person. And I’m so sad about it. She decided I was unhealthy and I don’t think I am. I think I’m pretty healthy. But she decided I wasn’t, and she’s such a good, smart person. I’m sad that she made that decision, and I love her so much, and I’m bummed. I never get messages like that! Never, ever, ever! They go like this, hey, Betrayal Trauma Recovery, you ruined my family.

My awful, abusive, psycho, crazy, terrible, damaging wife who was awful to me our whole marriage. She left me because of you, and it’s all your fault, and you’re breaking up families. And I’m like what? Like you don’t even sound like you like her, not even a little bit. Why are you trying to tell me that I had something to do with the breakup of your marriage, if you genuinely hate her? If she is all those things you’re saying, shouldn’t you thank me that you’re safe?

Abusers, if you are listening, stop writing me ridiculous messages about how your abusive, terrible, psycho wife left you because of me. Because that makes no sense, whatsoever.

One Star Review on Trauma Mama Husband Drama

Anne: I’m not sure if this is the same guy, but he wrote a one star review on Trauma Mama Husband Drama. If you listen to this podcast and love it, if you wouldn’t mind, go to Amazon, buy Trauma Mama Husband Drama, which is the best way to explain betrayal trauma, and then please give it a five star review to bury this. At the same time, I like the one star review because it proves the point. It’s like, wow, if this guy thinks this book is one star, then for sure, it’s five stars for me.

Also, he is not a verified purchaser, the guy that gave this review. So he doesn’t even own a copy of Trauma Mama Husband Drama. I’m not sure he knows what it’s about. Well, I know he doesn’t know what it’s about, because his review says a bunch of stuff that’s not even in the book. But he knows me well, because he hits the nail on the head. So his review is accurate. So that’s another reason why I wanted to read it.

He says, a valuable addition to the it’s not you, it’s him genre of self help literature. And then he says, also good for adults who are challenged by chapter books and books without a lot of pictures. So then he insults all of our intelligence as if we are completely stupid, and that’s why I wrote it. No, the reason why I wrote it was because this is very complex and most people don’t want to read a bunch of books and so it makes it really easy and it’s really obvious.

Ridiculous Reviews From Abusers

Anne: If it were so bad and so terrible, why would he be worried about warning people about it? Wouldn’t he be like, oh nobody’s gonna learn anything from this? Why would he be coming after me? He said, it’s telling that the author’s thoughts and ideas about the subject matter are communicated in a picture book. Yeah, because I wanted it to be very simple and obvious. And then he says, good versus evil.

Yes. I do think this is a good versus evil thing. So he hit the nail on the head there. It appears to be rooted in the author’s faith. True, but that’s not anywhere in the book. It’s very secular. I mean, the character in the book goes to church, but it’s not a religious book. There’s nothing overtly religious about it. And then he says my goal is to separate the wicked from the righteous. And that’s true, too. So, nailed it.

Then he says, leaving destroyed marriages and families in her wake. So he thinks they should stay together after HIS infidelity. So, this is someone whose wife recognized he was an abuser. And, decided I was the cause, rather than his abuse. I think it’s the same guy, but I’m not sure. He gave a one star review on the podcast, and he says abandon all hope who enter here. It’s very wordy.

But he goes on to talk about how the only purpose of Betrayal Trauma Recovery is that women who want to get a divorce for no reason come to BTR and then they can feel good about it. No, that’s not what’s happening.

Should Couples Stay Together After Infidelity? Misunderstanding BTR’s Mission

Anne: Women who find Betrayal Trauma Recovery are like, oh, I’ve been abused for years and didn’t know it. I need to get to safety. That’s it. That’s all we talk about. I’m not promoting divorce per se. I mean, some women decide they need to set a boundary of divorce to further separate themselves from harm. Yeah, that would be a natural response to abuse. Some women feel that remaining married is safer for whatever reason. And our coaches help women navigate that.

Anyway, he goes on about how the stance we take that abuse has nothing to do with the victim, and it’s not the victim’s fault. He’s like, no, women aren’t taking accountability for their part of the problem. And then he says Betrayal Trauma Recovery is anti-God. And this one’s interesting, because basically he says, if you women would just pray. Then God would change us, but you’re not praying enough. And that’s what caused the problems.

Like if you prayed more, then I would have changed. He says, “Being nice is described as love bombing.” Yeah, well, checking off boxes to exploit someone or deceive them, yes. Then he says, once you enter the Betrayal Trauma Recovery bunker. And become fully indoctrinated into this way of viewing relationships between men and women, your marriage will be over.

No, this is not, sorry. I do not view all relationships between men and women as an abuse issue. There are men who are not employing covert emotional abuse. We’re not talking about them. If your husband is healthy and you listen to Betrayal Trauma Recovery, you’re going to be like, wow, my husband’s not anything like this.

Educating About Abuse

Anne: Educating women about emotional and psychological abuse is not the issue. Betrayal Trauma Recovery is not the issue. Your abuse is the issue. Here’s another one, and this one I love. I love this, sisters. This one is titled, Self Admitted Non-Expert. So he’s calling me a self admitted non-expert. And I would like to say to him, No, I am a self-proclaimed expert. That is what I am. I’m not a self-admitted non-expert. I’m a self-proclaimed expert.

And then he said, if you want counseling help, go to a counselor. And no, we don’t think women need therapy who are being abused. You might want to go to a therapist, but you’re not sick. There’s nothing wrong with you. You’re not diseased. You might need skills to learn how to set boundaries, right? You might need to be educated about what abuse is. You will have a lot to consider if you should stay together after infidelity.

You might need some strategic ways to get to safety. While considering if you should stay together after betrayal. But I hope you’re not listening for counseling, because I’m not a counselor. And I don’t pretend to be, nor do I think I’m counseling anybody.

I’m just trying to educate people about abuse. And here’s another one that says uneducated advice is destroying families. He says his ex-wife got all messed up. And I’m like, again, your ex-wife felt like you were abusive, and that’s why she left. Your abuse destroyed your family. Not educating women about abuse.

I’ve highlighted abusive men’s response to women getting educated about abuse. Because when I talked to healthy men about abuse. They do not respond this way.

Expertise Through Experience

Anne: They’re like, whoa, one man I talked to, he was like, wait, wait, wait, you mean guys think their wives shouldn’t get upset. Like, of course they’re going to get upset. Who wouldn’t. Healthy men get it. It makes sense, abusers don’t. Rather than worrying about all the things they’re going to say. To weaponize and gaslight you out of recognizing that they are emotionally and psychologically unsafe. Take a deep breath and take a step back.

Look at our books page, read some books I did not write. These are just general abuse principles, basic information about what is emotional and psychological abuse. This kind of information can help you decide if you want to stay together after infidelity. This is not some weird, earth shattering, you know, stuff that I pulled out of the air and nobody’s ever talked about before. Like, this is basic stuff.

Now, many people don’t talk about pornography as an abuse issue. But when you look at all their behaviors, it’s stuff that domestic abuse experts have been educating us about for years. I have been trained in domestic abuse and certified. You don’t have to be an expert on abuse. The women who have been through it are the women who understand it. The women who have been through it are the most expert on what abuse is.

And that’s why our entire Betrayal Trauma Recovery team, every woman on our team, has been through it. That’s what makes a woman an expert on abuse. When you come into our Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Sessions, women get it immediately. You don’t have to try and explain it. It makes sense. And women who have dealt with it for years and understand the stress and difficulty, they just get it. They are the best people to give you support.

Should I Stay With My Husaband After Infidelity? The Living Free Workshop

Anne: I hope no abusers are listening, but if they are, and I am offending you, great. Since I originally aired this episode, many of you emailed me and asked, is that my husband? Many, many, many of you, and one of you, it actually was. So if you’re listening and I haven’t messaged you about this, it’s not your husband. But everyone was surprised it sounded like their abusive husband. It’s incredible how similar they all sound.

Once you know what to look for, these patterns become obvious. This is why I wrote the Betrayal Trauma Recovery Living Free Workshop to help you anticipate what is going to happen next, to help you to see if you should stay together. In the Living Free Workshop, it’s just strategies and principles. It’s not going to tell you specifics, but it will help you learn to recognize it. And to learn more, click on the link above.