Have you done something that you’re ashamed of or embarrassed about in response to your husband’s abuse? Here’s the thing, “reactive abuse” isn’t a thing. You were defending yourself against abuse, and that’s always healthy.
Abusers often use “reactive abuse” to falsely portray your behavior as harmful. Therapists, clergy, or anyone else who uses this term misunderstand abuse. You were protecting yourself from abuse, and that’s completely normal!
To find out if you’re suffering from his emotional abuse, take our free emotional abuse quiz.
“Reactive Abuse” Is the Abuser’s Goal
To label a victim as an “abuser” when she is trying to protect herself is exactly what the abuser wants. He wants people to think, “They’re both abusive.” An abuser will never admit there’s no wrong way to protect yourself.
Anne Blythe, Hosf of The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Podcast – BTR.ORG
The concept of “reactive abuse” is rooted in the idea that when a woman defends herself, she’s somehow in the wrong.
But it’s NEVER wrong to try to protect yourself. It’s called self defense, and it’s always healthy.
It’s Not “Reactive Abuse” – It’s Self Defense
Imagine a bully on a playground relentlessly teasing a younger child. The younger child tries to talk it out, enlists teachers for help, hides, and eventually snaps. Then the adults punish the younger child, while the bully skillfully hides his cruelty.
At BTR.ORG, we know that taking protective action isn’t wrong, even if he twists it to paint you in a negative light.
How Do I Stop Acting Outside of My Value System?
Many women in the BTR.ORG community ask: I know I’m defending myself, but how do I get him to stop accusing me of being the abuser when I did nothing wrong?
As long as you’re in close proximity to an abuser, you’ll probably find yourself taking protective action from time to time. To discover strategies to communicate with an abuser in a way that he won’t able to weaponize, enroll in The BTR.ORG Living Free Workshop.
At BTR.ORG, we know the utter hopelessness that can accompany emotional abuse.
You deserve peace. Get support, attend one of our Group Sessions TODAY.
I understand and agree that reactive abuse is just self defense. That happened to me. A therapist even told me I was abusive too! It was awful!
Just a general shout out to all the brave women who work for and are involved in BTR. I am 12 years out from my first D Day (there were many) and being accused of reactive abuse was so devastating.I wasted so much time and money on these dead-end roads.
If I knew then what I know now, through BTR, I would likely have been spared years of pain and exhaustion. But I’m learning from you guys every day, and I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I’m finally getting validation and clarification, 2 things every woman in this situation desperately needs. Thank you, thank you.
I dealt with this my entire life from my mother. She was emotionally, verbally and in some cases physically abusive.
She would say she was a good mother, but she was not.
Now, my kids do not see that my reactions to her are fueled by this abusive history I endured. They think that it is my fault. I tell them she was abusive and they blame me for the trauma responses to her years and years of behavior ; they
just blame me for my reactions to her. Why can they NOT see?
I never treated them like this so they have no knowledge of it first hand. I was never selfish, ungrateful, disrespectful to them like she is to me. She is nice to strangers but is quick to just tell me to “shut up” when I am saying something she doesnt want to hear. She is only glad to see me when I am doing her a favor or something she wants.
This sounds exactly like what’s happening with my husband. I keep having these trauma responses, and people are saying, “You’re both abusive” when I’m just trying to protect myself.
Tonight, I was deep in shame and regret and embarrassment at my raising my voice all the time, despite me trying to change change change and be better and more mature and disciplined and set a better example for the children. And I came here, and read some words of grace that it wasn’t “reactive abuse” I was just defending myself!
And I’ll get up tomorrow and keep on getting through the end of a 25 year marriage. I ran across your content on TikTok a year ago, and it helped me understand why I felt so crazy. Now, I’m out, but financially struggling and housing insecure, so no coaching for me yet. In the meantime, I’ll rely on your generosity in the free resources you so kindly offer. You were a big factor in me leaving.
I was charged with assault and battery pushing my abuser after years of lies manipulation and distract, along of lots of body shaming and being called every name in the book. Years prior i defended myself while he tried to have his way with me and was almost giving serious charge, not 2 year later im the same position afraid what I will have to endure in court. I feel shame for my reaction but it’s years of tourture and I’m alone in fear of what my future will be after court as I’m a mother. But I know that I’m not crazy or mean or abusive just Completly fed up
I’m so sorry. It’s estimated that 40% of abuse victims are charged for domestic abuse when they’re DEFENDING themselves against domestic abuse. You’re not abusive, call you local domestic violence shelter to see what services they may have available for you. Hugs!
I knew I was being abused but didn’t know how to explain my reactions and have also been looked at as an abuser. I even had my mother in law put her hands on me accusing me of abuse. I had to just take it from her because I know if I fight back, at her age I will be going to jail. Lately, I have been recording every second I am in the presence of my abuser. I want to go back and listen as a reminder of why I am leaving. Will this only anger me into a self defense mode again or can it be beneficial to hear it. I record in case I do end up in court.