One of the most devastating aspects of betrayal trauma, are the terrifying, heart-breaking, and ever-persistent torrents of emotions that make many victims ask, “Will I ever be okay again?” When they first realize their marriage is in serious trouble, they’re not thinking about post-traumatic growth. However, post-traumatic growth is real. Here’s what you need to know about it.
What Is Post-Traumatic Growth?
After finding safety from betrayal and abuse, women can experience a powerful change within themselves that leads them to a strong sense of self that propels them to keep making healthy decisions.
A Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Session Client explained how post-traumatic growth felt to her:
“It wasn’t until I looked back and could see how far I’d come. I was more confident, more happy than I ever thought I could ever be again. I’m so proud of where I am now.”
I Feel Stuck: Will I Experience Post-Traumatic Growth?
Many victims who feel “stuck” in their trauma are still being abused, though it may not be easy to identify it. Some women feel that something is “off” in their marriage, but don’t have evidence or proof to support their gut instinct.
Tragically, these victims often blame themselves, believing that they are just “choosing not to forgive” or that they have to “do the work” to heal before they feel better.
Most of the time, if you feel “stuck” in your trauma, you’re still experiencing emotional and psychological abuse.
You’re in a really tough spot. He’s still emotionally abusive. Because of that, nothing is going to feel right. There’s no peace or comfort in this kind of situation. Every step you take towards safety is going to feel like, “ugh, I don’t want to do this.” The ideal is emotional safety, but that’s not where you are right now.
Anne Blythe, founder of Betrayal Trauma Recovery
Safety Is Essential For Post-Traumatic Growth
The bedrock foundation for Post-Traumatic Growth is safety. At BTR, we believe that every woman deserves to live a life of emotional, sexual, spiritual, physical, and mental safety. Once women are safe from the abuse, the growth can begin.
How Do I Experience Post-Traumatic Growth?
For women who haven’t experienced post-traumatic growth yet, and are currently in the midst of trauma, here are a few ideas . . .
- Be patient and gentle with yourself.
- Incorporate self-compassion into your life.
- Learn about abuse, trauma, and vulnerability.
- Accept reality: you’re a victim of betrayal and abuse.
- Find a safe network of support-people. Perhaps attend a Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Session.
The Right Support Paves The Way For Post-Traumatic Growth
For Alma, a Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group client, post-traumatic growth wasn’t about escaping or transcending pain. Instead, it’s been about allowing herself the time and patience to work through the hard, painful journey of healing. On the other side, she has discovered a new appreciation for life, healthier relationships, and an optimistic view of new possibilities. Alma feels stronger and genuinely changed.
She said, “I’ve become stronger and yet more open. I was completely broken. The lowest of the low. And then I rebuilt myself from scratch almost. I’m so proud to be who I am today.”
Allowing herself to feel as broken as she was was crucial. Alma can reflect on her past, including her current struggles, without shame or intense pain. Her experiences are part of who she is now, and she’s at peace with that.
A Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Session Client Shares Her Story
During my darkest moments, hearing overly positive stories of healing from betrayal trauma felt like a punch to the gut. I couldn’t stand it. It made me furious.
Not everyone knows the depths of pain and trauma I’ve endured: hopelessness, fear, confusion, paralysis, anger, loneliness, anxiety, depression, profound sorrow. I never want to minimize anyone’s pain by glossing over the struggle and only celebrating the healing because the struggle is real and hard.
But now, I can finally say I’m grateful for my betrayal trauma. I never thought I’d reach this point. But here I am, and I’m glad. I’m grateful for the person I am becoming, and I like who I am. I’ve learned and grown in ways I don’t think I could have without all the trauma I experienced.
Acknowledging the good that has come from this trauma doesn’t diminish the bad. I view them side by side. If I didn’t fully validate the bad, I wouldn’t appreciate the good. Why cheat myself of greater joy by glossing over or denying the darkest parts of my journey?
Knowing that things will always change and that I am not defined by any single moment, I understand that I don’t have to feel sad, lonely, or angry forever, just as I don’t expect to feel happy all the time for the rest of my life. But I’m so grateful to be where I am now.
Wow… I did not know how much I needed to read this- all of this- right now!
I’m so glad it’s helpful!!
I’m so grateful for BTR and this podcast!. I feel so stuck after 36 years married to my husband who has never wanted intimacy with me. I still love him, but am in so much pain and confusion. It’s such a gift finally being validated after so much pain and not knowing what to do to heal. Thank you so much! God bless you all!
I’m so glad you found it helpful!
Thank you so much. May I use a quote from this on my personal facebook page?
The part about death is unfortunate and it hurts, but betrayal trauma is deliberate. Love that.
Yes, of course. Please credit the quote with a link back to the article:). Thanks!
Somehow BTR came up on my Facebook feed. I have no idea how! After 36 years trying to live with the pain caused from trying to live with and help multiple-addicted man, a spell in a mental hospital and so much manipulation there are others out there who understand how destructive it is. Thank you.
Jayne, I so glad you found us. Most people don’t understand how abusive online infidelity is, lying and manipulation is. I’m so sorry for your pain, but so glad you found us!
What a fabulous video, “What does an Effective Boundary Model look like.” I had my kids watch it. It’s so accurate. Kids who have witnessed this abuse learn accept this as normal and do the same abuse to siblings and their parents. Children in this situation easily make these dismissive reactions glare like a sore thumb. What makes the pain even more painful is then when the husband relentlessly blames the wife for causing the children to be abusive, when it’s him. I so agree that accepting the pain is so crucial. I’ve just realized that we as women have a time in the month (wink, wink) that God is actually giving us the opportunity to feel those feelings and be more aware and discerning of the abuse that is happening. So, anyone who dismisses your feelings at that time of month, are not honoring the Truth you are feeling because they don’t want to face that truth. Thank you for this essential reminder!
Can you address how you moved past the anger and flooding and outbursts? How do you stop raging at the betrayer? This is especially important for those who choose to stay in the marriage. Thanks in advance.
Sometimes that anger indicates that there is still danger or that you are still unsafe. Determining if you are completely safe is the first step.
How do you determine safety? I was to grow after going through all this terrible stuff.
I am trying to see if I should stay in my marriage or not….online infidelity, multiple affairs, prostitutes and abuse were all present.
I’m so sorry! Because everyone’s situation is different, it’s difficult to give an answer here. We recommend women get help specifically for them through our group coaching sessions or individual sessions. Go to BTR.org for more info and see the group coaching sessions.
Why are boundaries needed around d-day? What do those look like?
The best way to navigate that is to set up an individual session with one of our coaches. I recommend a BTR Coach to help you figure out what to do when you find out your husband has been lying to you or cheating online. Click on that link to schedule a session with her.
I’m shaking and weeping. Everyone, including my children, grandchildren believe he is so great. My health has deteriorated. I have evidence of his lies, constant affairs for the past 49 years of marriage. He is a professional manipulator. I have never seen anybody so good at it that I believe he believes his lies. I don’t blame myself.