When Your In-Laws Are Emotionally Abusive Too – Tanya’s Story

Tania share's her difficult story of living through emotional abuse, financial, physical, and sexual abuse. All while her in-laws are emotionally abusive too.

If your in-laws enable emotional abuse, you’re not alone. Tragically, this is an extremely common occurrence for victims. Tanya shares her heartbreaking story of living through financial, physical, and emotional abuse – all while her in-laws enable her abuser.

If you need live support, learn about our online Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Sessions.

Why Are My In-laws Emotionally Abusive, Too?

Transcription: When Your In-Laws Are Emotionally Abusive Too

Anne: I have a member of the BTR community on today’s episode, we’re going to call her Tania. I recorded this a few years ago.

Welcome, Tanya.

Tanya: Thank you so much for having me.

Originally, I’m from Africa, but I moved to Canada when I was 16 years old. And I was young, my first time living without my parents. In our culture, we’re not supposed to marry out of the African community. But he was a football player. He moved to Canada from Africa to play a minor league, and when we met, it was pure bliss to meet someone like him. Because I came from a society that men are very, I can say, machos.

Peer Pressure & Relationship Continuation

Tanya: I had a couple family members involved in a very abusive relationship. And for me, it was easy to recognize, but I couldn’t break it off right away. Because it would be like dumb of me. So I had to get to know him and see what was going on.

Anne: When you say dumb of you, why did you think at the time it would be dumb of you to break it off?

Tanya: Because I thought that I didn’t give him a chance.

Are Your In-Laws Also Colluding With Your Husband To Emotionally Abuse You?

Tanya: I had friends around me also that were like, you need to get to know him better so that you can make that decision. So I felt like because of the peer pressure that I had around me.

Anne: So people are saying you can’t just judge him right off the bat. Because you need to get to know him better. How does it progress from there?

Tanya: At that time I was only 18 years old. Also it was the first time living in a different country by myself. I was just like, okay, I can make my boundaries. Because I’m not married to him and he’s not really like my boyfriend. Additionally I have my apartment and I don’t have to go to his house.

Long-Distance Relationship Challenges

Tanya: But that summer, he got laid off from football, so he had to move back to the United States where there is another league that wanted him. I just felt like, yeah, he’s moving back to the United States. Also he’s an American. I just thought, yeah, our relationship is done.

I don’t have to pursue that relationship anymore, but we reconnected again and we start dating. Then he decided, oh, do you want to come to visit? I said, yes.

I just felt like, oh, I can rescue him for some reason, I just thought like, I can talk to him. Maybe influence him in a better way because the difference between me and him in what I felt like it was too wild. He was a football player, but I just started noticing differences amongst our values and whatever I believed about family.

When Your In-Laws Are Emotionally Abusive As Your Husband

When I came to visit him here in the United States, I just told him, I don’t, think this is going to work. One, because I’m just starting to see that our personalities don’t really go together.

First Major Incident Of Anger

Tanya: And right away I saw this anger come out of him. I couldn’t believe so I grabbed my phone and called my friend. I said, he is angry. In fact he shows anger that I don’t think I can deal with. My friend said, again, I think you’re judging him for just one time situation.

When Your In-Laws Collude In Your Emotional Abuse

You are in his country. So you should chill out and calm down. He’s a good candidate for marriage. He would speak to my friends about marriage, saying he would like to marry me. That I’m a good person. That he likes me because I am not like this American woman. Instead, they’re more into material things, and I’m very grounded. So my friend said, you know, I think you should try it.

First Major Incident Of Physical Abuse

Tanya: He asked me to marry him. My friends threw a big engagement party. I left my job, left my apartment, my car, I moved to the United States.

And that time his friend was also married with a woman from Columbia. She said, oh, let’s go to brunch. When we were at the brunch, it was only two hours. We took a long time to come home, because our car stopped and we were looking for someone to help us see what was going on with the car. He was calling me, was calling me, was calling me. It took us three hours to get back home.

Can In-Laws Also Be Emotionally Abusive

As soon as we get back home, he pushes my phone. Then he throws the phone on the floor and grabs my computer. After that, he throws the computer on the ground. So everything is broken. My friend said, Tanya, what are you going to do now? Because you already accept this man proposal. So now do you want to return to Canada? What’s everyone going to say?

Anne: Where’s your friend from

Tanya: A couple of them were Canadians.

When Your In-Laws Enable Emotional Abuse

Anne: Would you say, where you’re from in Africa, that this was a cultural thing? That men just get mad and it’s no big deal?

Tanya: It’s pretty common, but it depends also on the family you came from, because my family were not like that. Meeting him and his family and seeing the manipulation. Especially the way they speak and silent treatment. Then I already knew that this marriage was not supposed to happen. Because it was something I’ve never experienced, and it goes back to pornography.

Pornography: Abuse In & Of Itself

Tanya: Pornography was something that I never heard, not in my house as I was growing up. Even with my friends in Canada. Because we never spoke about pornography.

My In-Laws Are Also Emotionally Abusive Toward Me

But when I returned to the United States, he had invited me to my in-laws home in Chicago. Then sleeping downstairs in their basement, he had pornography. Because he wanted to watch, I was shocked. And then I said, no, your family is from Africa. How come you have pornography inside your parents’ home?

Coercing the Victim Into Viewing Pornographic Material At In-Laws Home

Tanya: This is not supposed to happen. I was so shocked that he had something like that inside his parents’ home. But I guess he was hiding, and he’s like, let’s watch. I said, no, I cannot watch it. Because I’m a Christian, so I can’t watch it.

He was very angry again. He said, There are so many women that would like to be with me. because I’m an American football player and I played for NFL. Including this team, also that team. And do you know how many women would like to be in your place right now? You’re telling me no? It’s just sex.

I said, no. For me, it’s not just sex. If we’re married, sex for me in a marriage means something different. No, I cannot do this.

Surviving Emotional Abuse From Your Husband And In-Laws

And we broke up. We stopped talking for three or four days. But mind you, I’m already here in the United States. We’re already preparing for this marriage. What will I tell people that I’m breaking up because of pornography? Because I found pornography in his parents basement? I felt like everyone around me was just trying to invalidate me? Because I found this guy that plays NFL, I guess it is a big thing.

And I also noticed that he was able to get me as an African, I guess, humble and naive. That would bend to whatever it is that he wanted to. And the abuse was not just based on just pornography. It escalated to almost everything, not just from him, but also from his family members.

Her Emotionally Abusive In-Laws

Anne: So his psychological abuse, isn’t just coming from him. But he’s also roping your in-laws into emotionally abusing you and coercing you.

Tanya: Exactly. The emotional abuse from my in-laws was, How can you speak up? Who are you? How dare you go out there and speak up? This is our son. He’s been doing so great. He plays football so well.

He’s successful. You’re supposed to be lucky that you have him in your life. Now you’re coming to us, telling us that he’s abusive, that he calls you names. That he takes stuff away from you. Because he took my green card. He took my Canadian citizenship. He would take bank cards. Throughout our marriage, I did not have access to any finances.

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Anne: So you ended up marrying him, then.

Tanya: This time that I left him would be my third time leaving him.

Anne: So talk about the first couple of times you left.

Tanya: The abuse was also from my in-laws. I would call my in-laws, I said next time he asks me to do any kind of sexual behavior that I don’t want to. I’ll call the police. Because how can I have sex with my husband, and he calls me the B word? I’m not going to do that. And when I started speaking up, the family didn’t like it. My in-laws emotionally abused me by blaming me. They would say, “No, it’s you. You have a big mouth. You speak too much.”

Sexual Coercion & Leaving Involving In-Laws In The Abuse

I went upstairs and put my son to bed. Then he says, “You have to know that this marriage is between me and you. And if you want me to be closer to you, you have to understand. There are certain things that a wife should do.”

I said, “What?”

He says, “First off, we need to start with sex. If you can give me oral sex, I can go downstairs and speak to my mom to stop.”

Anne: Wow, so sexual coercion right there. Yeah, in that moment he’s sexually coercing you.

Tanya: And I left him. My son was only three months at that time. He wasn’t calling, he wasn’t contacting, which for me was fine. Because I have already gone through so much with him. And no support around me.

In-Laws Are Emotionally Abusive By Convincing Victims to Stay

Tanya: His dad calls me. I completely understand what you’re talking about. I want to apologize, but we are Christians, and you have to understand you guys are married. We don’t believe in divorce. And I don’t want you to raise a son without a father.

I promise you that I’ll take him to a counselor. He’ll do therapy, and I’ll be beside you. I just don’t want you to tell anybody. Please come back, I am here and I’ll support you. I said, I don’t want to come back. Because it’s been almost a year, and I haven’t seen any support from any of you. I feel like you guys are blaming me for whatever is going on. And I don’t even understand what was going on. That was the first time, and they begged, and he asked, and I came back.

In-Laws Are Emotionally Abusive By Accusing Victims of “Ruining” the Abuser’s Life

Tanya: Three months after me being back, he was starting again, verbally abusing me. It was just a cycle, verbally abusing me. No one will believe you. You just came back from Canada. I know it’s something with you. You want to return here to destroy my career. I said, but your dad promised me. So I stayed for another three years.

Anne: Yeah, that’s common. My in-laws emotionally abused me by telling me that I was trying to ruin her son’s life. And I was like, what are you talking about? I’m trying to save our marriage. But the in-laws accusation, You’re trying to harm our son.” Is what a lot of in-laws say.

Tanya: My in-laws said, I was trying to destroy his career. I was trying to destroy his family. But it was because he was having an affair with a woman from his gym. And not just one. There was multiple.

Anne: And your in-laws knew about the abuse and they still blamed you?

Tanya: My in-laws knew about the abuse. His mom blames me. He would watch pornography in front of me. He would sleep outside the home.

Sexual Coercion Is Easier For Abusers When In-Laws Enable It

Tanya: He completely isolated me from everyone at this time. Now, I wasn’t even able to contact my family members. Because I started to feel so ashamed.

So my family practically, they wash their hands. My in-laws enable him to continue to abuse. I was home with my son, worried about COVID. He had this cough that we’re afraid of. It was so congested. And he wouldn’t give me the car keys or money to take my son to the hospital. That day, he came home at one o’clock in the morning. Me and my son were sleeping, and he comes upstairs. He didn’t take a shower, and he wants to jump in bed.

And I told him, no, you can’t. My son also looks at him and says, “No, you can’t”. And he says, This is my home, this is my bed, I’ll sleep here. I said, No, you can’t. And I stood up off the bed, and as I was walking, he came behind me. He starts doing like sexual movement. And I push him.

And he calls me B word the S word. Nobody wants me. Nobody likes me, I am nothing. Look at me znd look at him as a football player. Everybody wants to be with him.

I said, go, I don’t care what women would like to be with you. But I will not stand you talking to me like that anymore. Never again, not in front of my son. And he says, listen, tonight we’ll see who’s going to live. My son started crying, and I grabbed my son. I went to another room and closed the door. I run outside and he comes behind me.

Incident Leading To Arrest

Tanya: He grabs my night down and pushes the night ground, and I grab a picture frame and throw the picture frame in his head. He calls the police. The police came in and they said, what happened? I start to explain, and he says, even my son saw her throwing the picture frame on me.

Anne: So you are arrested for domestic violence after being abused consistently for years. What happens next?

In-Laws Are Emotionally Abusive By Shaming & Guilting Victims Into Staying

Tanya: In jail, I felt this peace coming over me. I know God took me out, of the situation. Because all these years, I was not ever, ever able to explain to anyone what was going on. When I went to church, I told them, “Listen. This is what he does sexually.

This is what he says. Yes, I am his wife. But how can a wife have sex with her husband that does those things? That calls her names. How can I do that?”

Everyone that I went to, they were like, “You have to try. You have to save your marriage.” The more I tried, the more he was abusing me. In fact the more I cleaned the home, became more submissive, and dressed up, he was more abusive. I didn’t speak to my family. The more I didn’t go to his place of work, the more I stayed home. Anything I tried, it was abuse.

To the point where I was starting to develop hives all over my body. I was starting to develop anxiety. Anyone who would come to my home and knock on the door would have these panic attacks. When I went to jail, everything stopped. I stayed in jail for three days. I didn’t have any panic attacks.

Finding Help To Get On My Feet

Tanya: When I came out of jail, I didn’t have a place to go. Because again, he isolated me from anything that I know, everybody that I know. I couldn’t go home.

One of the moms called, and she told me, I want to invite you to bring your son. Let’s play soccer, go to the beach. Let’s do something. I said, please help me. Also, I just came out of jail and she says, where are you? I told her where I was. Right away, she came to pick me up. And took me to her home. I stayed there for almost a month.

After a month, I had to find a place to go. Shelters helped me with food and lawyers. Also people that I can talk to to help me with my case. I’m here, I haven’t gone home yet, and our case is still going on. He was fighting to take custody of my son for almost a month. I wasn’t allowed to see my son. My lawyer actually helped me recover the custody. So now we have 50/50.

Anne: Okay.

Tanya’s Current Living Situation

Anne: You’re staying in an apartment with the help of the domestic violence shelter now.

Tanya: Yes, and since I have been here in this apartment, he’s been trying to contact me. He’s telling me he doesn’t want to get a divorce, and that he’s sorry. He’s telling me that he doesn’t know why he has been behaving the way he does. But I still have this confusion in my head. Outside, everyone sees him as this wonderful man.

He’s a coach. He’s a leader in our community. He volunteers at my son’s school. He helps his clients develop this positive attitude about themselves. About their bodies, minds, and soul. But at home, he was so disrespectful to me. That I lost myself.

Confusion & Grooming Tactics

Tanya: After me going to jail, for me to be where I am, for him to say he wants to go back with me. That he doesn’t want to get a divorce, I am still confused. I am still lost.

Anne: Well, he does not want to lose control. When he says those things, that’s grooming. He’s trying to groom you back to be with him. Because he does not want to lose control over you.

Tanya: Yes, I’m not important to him, because he has never done anything to make me feel important. He thinks that I am only worthwhile to take care of our son. Also have sex with him, clean the home, cook, and do whatever he needed to do with me.

Anne: So in this confusion, are people helping you see through that? Because it is a really hard time to think, maybe he does care or maybe he will change or something like that, and that’s a dangerous time because he’s never shown any evidence of doing that. Is it easy for you to see it as grooming, or is it still so traumatizing and confusing?

Seeking Support & Counseling

Tanya: I’m speaking to a counselor, and she’s helping me. She’s saying, listen, you can’t speak to him. You can’t return to his home or gym. You cannot speak to your in-laws. He has a restraining order on me.

Anne: Despite that, he’s contacting you to try and get you to talk to him?

Tanya: He’s the one who’s contacting me. He’s the one who calls me. He invited me to a staycation and wants to buy me stuff. He keeps asking me if I need anything. I blocked him from my phone, but he’s still wanting that communication. And another part of the confusion just comes, maybe this fact of me going to jail. Maybe something clicked in his mind, and me filing for divorce, I keep going back and forth.

Thoughts On Abuse & Survival

Anne: These similar thoughts go through every woman’s head who is faced with this. Do I just put up with the abuse? What alternative do I have? Am I going to be homeless? Am I going to have my son? However, you are not crazy. The only thing that these types of thoughts prove is that you are a victim of abuse. This is how victims of abuse think.

Tanya: Yeah, I have a seven year old and I have nobody, and I just filed for divorce. I have no finances and depended on him. I wasn’t allowed to take any courses, any going to school, any training, nothing.

For almost everything and anything. So I am very sure. Because I know my lawyer told me that he denied my request for child support and alimony. So I’m sitting down here and still waiting. Until when will I continue to live in a shelter? Now, my question is, do I return to Canada? And even if I return to Canada, am I going to take my son with me?

I cannot continue to be in a shelter having 50/50 percent of custody. I don’t have financial means to take care of my son. And you have to remember I don’t have my green card in order to get a good job.

Trying To Pick Up The Pieces

Anne: What does your lawyer say about the circumstances right now?

Tanya: She’s helping, trying to regain all my documentation that he has taken away from me. He actually insists I should go and take a psychological evaluation. When he asked for my son’s custody. He wanted me to do that. My lawyer said no.

Just the simple fact that she doesn’t have her documentation. And all this year, she hasn’t been able to go see her family. There are proofs. So no, we’re going to continue to support you. We’ll continue to listen to you. And we’re going to get something for you to survive, for you to help your son.

And I think this is where he knows. That I am that vulnerable that I’m going to want to get help from him. So that my head would go back. And say, oh, listen, I don’t have anyone here and life is really hard out there.

Anne: Yeah, you’re in an extremely vulnerable situation, but you can get out of it.

Plea For Support When You’re In-Laws Are Part Of The Problem

Anne: It’s going to take time and effort, and it’s so hard. And probably seems impossible. But I just want all our listeners who are listening to pray for Tanya? She needs us. She has nothing and needs our help. They do have family, they still feel that sense of like nobody believes me. I can’t figure out how to fix this. And they feel stuck. So that feeling of being stuck is something that’s familiar to all of our listeners. We can empathize with you.

Tanya: But I think the impossible part is that I feel like nobody’s listening. No one is listening. No one cares that no one wants to believe me. I also feel like, should I even pray? Because the times I went to church and spoke to them, and having counseling in the church. They kept pushing me back to that place of abuse. I keep having that picture of him masturbating in front of me, of him completely disregarding me in that way.

Anne: That’s extreme sexual coercion, psychological and emotional abuse that you’re experiencing. It is mind boggling to me that people think that pornography is not an abuse issue. Or that their husband’s pornography use does not affect women. Or that somehow their infidelity is like just something that men do. Also, that it’s not an absolutely debilitating abuse to their spouse is crazy to me.

Most Harm From Sexual Abuse

Anne: It’s interesting to me that in telling your story, you’ve been verbally abused. You’ve been psychologically abused, you’ve mentioned that several times. So one of the most traumatic things for you was the pornography. And people might be like, well, that wasn’t a big deal. He punched you. And you’re like, the thing most traumatizing was the sexual abuse.

Tanya: It’s because I feel that if it wasn’t the sexual behavior. Meaning the infidelity, watching porno, just having a woman at his disposal. It was the main aspect of the abuse. Because if I have access to these porno women, if they’re looking in front of me. Then when I come home, what do I need you for, but to be angry with you?

Not to respect you, to call you the names that I can call you. I really do believe the sexual for me was a very, very big thing. Very big part of my abuse in my marriage. I really do believe that.

I came across your podcast listening to all the stories and they resonate with me so much. That my in-laws enabled the abuse.

I feel very sad and lost. But, I believe I will come out of this strong.

You’re Not Alone

Anne: There are thousands of listeners to this podcast. And so just little old you, little Tanya, who thinks no one is listening. And that nobody cares, you’ve now just told your story to thousands of women.

You’ve listened to us on the podcast. We’ve been this, hopefully, light in the darkness, but in this moment, right now, we’re all here with you. I hope you can feel our love and support. Across the world, we are here with you in sisterhood and we will hope that God provides a miracle for you.

Because not knowing where your next meal is going to come from. Not having any control over where you’re living, no money and no support system. Is a completely overwhelming situation. But I do know that God sees you. He’s listening now. He loves you and we love you. You have to fight.

Tanya: Yes, yes, it is. It is crazy and it’s scary and it’s lonely. But I do have my son and I do have this podcast that I have been listening to and it just made me feel. I am not alone.

Anne: You are incredible and brave and strong. You are amazing and I’m proud of you for coming on this podcast and sharing your story. When you don’t have a happy ending, yet.

Tanya: To anyone that is listening. I don’t want to go back to that man. I would like to have my son with me. To everyone, send me that energy. That strength and courage to please make me be strong. Not to go back in the hands of that man. Because I never knew rest until I went inside of that jail. I’m asking to please pray for me.

Tender Heart

Anne: We are with you. We will pray for you, Tanya. Thank you for being so brave and sharing your story.

I want to thank everyone for listening. My heart is really tender right now. Not just Tanya’s story, but the mini stories that I’ve heard. And if you’d like to spend time with women who get it. With women who can sit with you in pain and totally understand. Because they’ve been in a similar situation.

Please attend a Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group session. You can attend one today. We built our BTR group sessions for this situation. So no woman out there. It feels like she’s alone. It’s the least expensive, appropriate option out there. And it’s unlimited live support multiple sessions a day. In every single time zone. We’d love to see you in a session today.

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10 Comments

  1. Tonia, I’m so sorry for what you have been through. Your courage is amazing, saving yourself and your son and sharing your story to help other women. God bless you. Thank you.

    Anne, Thank you so much for this. One of the worst parts of this has been his family minimizing his harmful behavior (psychological, emotional, and financial abuse) and even insinuating that it never happened, saying things like “I believe that you believe it.” Blaming me for the destruction of our family. His family was so important to me, and it crushed me to separate myself from them. So many times I have second-guessed my decision to cut ties with them (except for two people who miraculously sided with me and have tried to hold him accountable). It is so affirming hearing that it was/is the right thing to do. Very painful, but a lot less painful than being reabused by them. So sad to realize that your family is full of unsafe people. Thank you.

    Reply
  2. Tania, I am so thankful you found the grace and strength to get out of this abusive marriage! I only wish I had not let fear and lack of self-esteem keep me in my marriage for 43 years. I left once but came back. The loneliness is so profound especially now that the virus has kept me at home. I I as just getting the courage to join book clubs and the gym to make friends and we went on lockdown last spring. Anne is right- they get you to ditch friends and family to isolate you. He always insults the few friends I have and constantly criticizes my family members. My loneliness is unbearable. I work from home so even work friends are by phone only. I am proud of one thing though! Money means everything to him and he constantly tries to talk me out of my money. We have separate accounts and I give most of my wages to him for paying the bills but I have drawn a firm line that certain free lancing amounts go straight into my savings and it is not negotiable. It kills him and that gives me great satisfaction! That and the ability to grey rock fairly well now. Sad that my life had come to this but I know that somehow, I will make friends who will see my value.

    Reply
  3. Same. Literally same, apart from the traveling to be with him; his family members are all abusive and herald him as this saint that cannot be held accountable. And in some ways, they are right, because the Family Court of America is corrupt.

    It’s like a cult. If you gas them up publicly they can’t hurt you, they fear you and what you can do, even if you’re hiding his abuse to the public you must put on a great show so they cannot touch you. Because if you keep it to yourself they run their mouths and ruin your reputation and ruin your social abilities because you dared to protect yourself from their abuse, their self-worship, their religion of “them.”

    The mothers of these grown boys are the worst perpetrators, claiming to be all about family while throwing tantrums if their adult son dares to genuinely love another woman. The mothers must maintain their illusion of control to keep the peace, if they are used to controlling him and he is immature enough to let them, then you are the enemy. There is no resolution for the wife except to leave, run, disappear into the night with the children. Their place has always been number one in his life and they do not relinquish that without blood, unless he can be distanced from her enough to see the light.

    Record everything if you are in this situation, and remain passively calm. When divorcing do not bring up the abuse to influence custody even though it should be in your favor; the family courts of America are so evil and corrupt they will punish you for doing so! Only highlight your role as your childrens’ primary caregiver and set all their appointments, enroll them in school, do everything for them and do not let him take them out or do anything with them. Do not respond to the in-laws requests to take the children. You must suffer through motherhood alone for a bit while you find a domestic-violence-victim-specialized lawyer, hopefully pro bono. Take pictures of him neglecting the kids and you while you play with them as if his neglect is “no big deal,” and totally fine with you. Otherwise, if you bring up the abuse in any way, you will be punished by your abuser getting shared custody and possibly even primary custody of your babies. I know because I’m living it. Had I known what the family court of USA was like before I would have left out the years of alcoholism and abuse.

    I’m sorry to anyone who is going through this. The courts are gender-biased against mothers and there’s miles of research papers done in the past decade to back this up. Joan Meier is one reputable lawyer who has written extensively on this subject. Richard Gardner’s debunked theory of Parental Alienation by mothers who allege abuse is still used as if it was a fact, though it’s more or less simply called “not encouraging the children’s relationship with their father,” and his abuse is ignored because while being watched by the eyes of the court throughout litigation he has “shown great growth” or whatever contrived jargon they use to brush your history off.

    The family court needs to be reformed badly and the Father’s Rights Movement abolished entirely. Children are suffering and men not held accountable for abusing their mothers. Children see the abuse and repeat it, whether by not respecting their mother as much or by choosing partners later on who abuse them. The compassion shown for abusers is a sickness and a pandemic. I wish you all who relate great healing for you and your children.

    Reply
    • Omg!! I totally agree with this!!!!!!! This is exactly what I did!!! And its true, in TIME, yes, things will sway in your favor. You do yourself harm, calling out the abuse. So you have to nonchalantly, be the single mother, as if this is every day and normal, and oh, yeah, he rarely does anything. The way to orchestrate a win, is to set everything up and do everything, just like you said.

      Courts do not care about a husbands horrific behavior. They will still get visitation, etc. So it’s better to just take the reigns, and do everything, and then over time, you can change the arrangement because “it just makes sense” type of thing. Like my ex moved across the country, so it became impossible for him to go by the old visitation schedule. And he moved without any notice or anything. He got tired of the whole ordeal after we divorced, and he was too busy abusing his new victim. So years later, I got everything I wanted: freedom!!!

      My mother-in-law was horrific. Treated her son like an extension of herself and had an absolute temper tantrum, every time I didn’t oblige her deranged agendas or ignored her orders. My ex dropped off and stopped bothering me a full 10 years before mother-in-law did. She still harasses me and my son to this day. Her son is in jail for doing unspeakable acts to his currently estranged new family. I tried to warn mother-in-law, but she was too busy blaming me and saying that the “real” problem was that I didn’t go to church.

      Reply
      • Also, my ex’s girlfriend reached out to me about 14 years after we broke up. She said that her and my ex, broke up when their daughter was born. They weren’t married, so in my opinion, she didn’t have to deal with visitation through the courts, etc. I communicated to her that it would not be wise to go after child support, because it would bring him into her life and their daughter’s life and put them both in danger. But she made the mistake of trying to go after child support in court. She was WARNED!!! Why? Why?

        When she did that, he got automatic visitation. He is a dangerous guy, so she pleaded to the courts, to NOT let him have her daughter over night. The thing is, the court didn’t like declining him visitation, just based on his abuse of HER (not their child – YET). His girlfriend was oblivious about the courts, and she accidentally put her and her daughter in harms way, trying to get child support. The courts PUNISHED her, (basically for being a good mom). They were in court over visitation for five years, and finally, the visitation started, and he got to keep the daughter over night. The first chance he got, he raped her!!

        For me, I cut off my mother-in-law, and refused to talk to her due to her gaslighting and abuse. During visitation drop off of our son, my soon to be ex-mother-in-law was waiting for me during the drop off with their whole family, including my ex’s now current ex. My mother-in-law was upset with me for avoiding her phone calls and cutting her off. I told her, I had no inclination to speak to her, given that she enabled her violent son and blamed his violent behavior on me, and has no regard for her grand child. I flat out told her, that I don’t stay in touch with people that act in bad faith, lie, etc. The now ex girlfriend, remembers this scene. She was there. And in reality, I was also trying to warn her, while also telling off my mother-in-law.

        She says that I after I left, the family called me crazy. But now after what she endured, she had wished she had heeded my warning.

        My ex did eventually go to jail for what he did to his daughter, but the whole visitation thing could’ve been avoided had the girlfriend understood that the courts do not care!!! Being that they weren’t married, she didn’t need to establish paternity. The kicker is, she didn’t get any child support because he was indigent, and it was not even worth the hassle!

        Reply
  4. Tania, you are in my prayers. I pray God will surround you with healthy loving people. I pray you will heal and find the inner strength never to go back to the abuser. God promises “if we take his yoke upon us he will make our burden light”. I pray that the gravity of your sorrow and pain will feel lighter after you give it to God. Know this: that those who are against you want you to feel alone and powerless. Read Isaiah 40:31 Know God is your strength, you are not alone, God is all powerful, with him all good things are headed your way. Take this time in your safe environment to heal. Yoga daily and meditation will help bring inner peace. Pray, write down write down write down everything you feel. And repeat to yourself positive affirmations. I have been watching a free betrayal trauma recovery class online at “bloomforwomen.com”. It is beyond amazing and so healing. The class teaches to do those things I said above, and in time you can heal from the trauma. My mother divorced her abusive husband and raised us with help from the government, churches that cared, and GOD above all. I have faith in you, you are wise and learning and become strong enough to stand up for yourself. I wish I could set up a “go fund me” for you, give you a hug and be a friend. I have no family around me either it’s hard but I have my children they are my family. Your not alone you have a community of women praying for you, wishing and hoping the best for you!! Stay positive, write down what you want to happen and pray for it, and say that affirmation daily. For example you could repeat this affirmation to yourself after prayer “I will be free of abuse, safe, provided for, God loves me I am not alone, God is helping me now he will continue to help me!” You will become stronger with positive thoughts then negative. You will see positive change because what we think about we bring about, and what we focus on expands. It’s hard to change our thoughts after being in abuse. It might take time but it is possible. I love you so much my sister! God knows your name and what your going through. Human beings at church are not perfect, they may fail to show the love and support to us that is needed. God will never fail us!! I listen to inspiring YouTube videos by “Oprah” on repeat. It strengthens me I listen to survivor music, talks, you can find what ever strengthens your spirit, mind and body and repeat, repeat, repeat. I hope your on the podcast again, or that they post and update. I would love to hear how things are going for you and your son. I hope to hear your safe, provided for, and surrounded by love and support. Your loved by many! We the btr community love you!

    Reply
  5. Thank you for sharing. All that you said touched my heart. I am so sorry to hear that even your “well meaning friends” talked you into tolerating this type of behavior.
    Hugs. You are a strong woman. Surround yourself with those who truly love you and discern the truth. Beware of a wolf in sheeps clothing. Often abuse happens in the form of Christian guidance that is not biblically based at all, but their opinions and cultural practices.

    Reply
  6. Oh Tanya, you are so brave and such a strong woman!!!!! I’m so so sorry for the injustices you’ve endured! I am with you in solidarity and am angry with you for you. He will have to answer to our AMAZING POWERFUL GOD!!! Please send out info if there’s anything we as sisters in Christ can do to help you get through this both prayerfully and financially!

    Reply
  7. Anne, are there any updates on how Tanya is doing and where her case is? I just listened to the reposting of this interview.

    Reply
    • Corrie, unfortunately I’ve lost track of her. I hope she’ll reach out and let me know! I keep praying for her.

      Reply

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