Have you thought to yourself, “He says I’m controlling but I’m not.” If so, he’s likely emotionally and psychologically abusive. Here are 3 things to know.
There are 19 different types of emotional abuse. To see if he’s emotionally abusive, take our free emotional abuse quiz.
1. But What If I’m Actually Controlling?
If a man is being emotionally mean and wants to keep hurting someone, he might call her actions to feel safe “controlling” to trick her into stopping.
This doesn’t mean you should stop looking for the truth or setting boundaries for your emotional safety. To learn about the most strategic ways to deal with his control, check out The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Living Free Workshop.
You’re not controlling if your desire is simply to keep yourself and your children safe and healthy.
2. Why Does He Say I’m Controlling?
An abuser tricks people by lying to his victim and calling her controlling. It works a lot, and others around him believe his lies.
But it’s not controlling to state your opinion or ask another adult to do their share.
Do you know what is controlling? Lying and manipulation. The truth is, his accusation is really an admission. He’s the one that’s controlling the narrative through his deceitful communication.
3. His Friends and Family Say His Ex Was Crazy Controlling
If a man tells you that his ex was controlling (and has manipulated his friends and family the same way), it’s likely that he’s grooming you to not ask too many questions.
A man who claims a woman is controlling usually wants a woman to give him enough space to do secret things he knows are outside her boundaries, like pornography, soliciting prostitutes, or other harmful, abusive behavior.
If someone tries to make you leave them alone because they’re hiding things, it could be a warning sign of emotional or mental abuse. They might also try to pressure you into doing things you don’t want to do.
If He Says Your Controlling, You Need Support
At Betrayal Trauma Recovery, we understand what’s really going on when he claims your controlling. We’d love to support you in your journey to emotional safety.
Listen to The FREE Betrayal Trauma Recovery Podcast to learn more.
Yikes, my husband tells me I’m controlling every day! He wants me to ignore the fact that he’s lying to me!
Please my husband of 13 years has always been abusive but lately he’s mad because he says I’m controlling. HELP
My husband of 23 years has constantly abused me verbally and emotionally and now that I’m standing up for myself he calls me controlling but he still is the one being cruel and doing detrimental things to our marriage like constant lying cheating hiding drug use. This is awful. It is so heartbreaking and I wish I knew how to stop loving him and just be able to cut myself free of his unchanging abusive behaviors.
My husband is saying that if I get to monitor his phone and computer then I can’t have any private phone calls and have to tell him everything I talk about. Not sure how to respond.
Rather than monitoring his phone and computer have you considered interacting with the abuser strategically?
I want to heal and i want to do things the right way…I don’t want to scream and fight in from of my children with my husband. I don’t want to control him, I just want peace!
I feel you! I’m in perimenopause now and 9 months postpartum and I can no ignore everything and be numb, now there’s a fire in me and the anxiety is so suffocating that I can’t hold back what I feel but my husband just wants reconciliation without the effort and does not seem to understand why I’m so emotional and in a constant state of worry and fear and that I need more from him to even begin healing. He instead just acts like I’m a crazed, nagging woman who he can’t be bothered with, unless it’s to make him feel good and pretend everything in the last 12 years hasn’t happened, like I should be able to just move on and trust him now because he says so. I am becoming crazed but its a hormonal imbalance thrown on to this burning fire of trauma and its effects that he continues to ignore. He doesn’t see or hear me and if I continue in his way of handling it, I’m going to disappear completely or lose all sanity and I don’t even want to know what might happen, honestly I fear I’ll just push him to do something unspeakable. And what can I do? I would honestly separate but we have a son now whom he loves in the only capacity that he can and wants to be there for himvso much so ,that he ends up hurting me even more and threatens me in regards to him and uses him as bait to keep me from leaving. Also I’ve got chronic health issues that all this stress built up over the years has compounded so much that I can’t possibly work and do the single parent thing until I’ve exhausted everything else. But it’s getting to that point, however he is my biggest source of stress and if he just can’t admit to and do what needs to be done then being a single chronically ill mom will be a breeze comparatively. It’s his addiction issues, and if he had taken the help needed at rock bottom we could have found restoration but he continues to act as though he’s got it all in control which just means doing enough drugs to function but not mess up too bad but it won’t last and he doesn’t realize, I don’t like or ever fell in love with this version of him and he is completely unaware of my needs and how very little he’s actually doing because the drugs cause him to be a very different, selfish person even if he’s in a better mood than me most days it’s because he’s broken me and walking around like he’s together and I’m a hot mess is infuriating because it may look like that to outsiders but to me and our girls, we know it’s the opposite and were only a mess because of how much he’s hurt us and continues to. Sorry I had to rant but yes I need peace and it seems unattainable if I stay.
I’m so sorry to hear about what you’re going through! We’re here for you! Check out our group session schedule. Many women are navigating what to do while still living in the home with him.