I’d waited so long for an apology. But when I finally received my husband’s emotional restitution letter, it wasn’t what I thought it would be.

What is An Emotional Restitution Letter?

An emotional restitution letter is a letter written by an unfaithful or emotionally abusive husband to his victim. This can be from a woman as well, but at Betrayal Trauma Recovery, we specialize in women who have been harmed by their husband.

In this case, the husband is writing a letter to apparently make restitution for the harm he caused.

“I don’t know how to process my husband’s emotional restitution letter…”

Many women in the BTR.ORG community have, at one time or another, received an emotional restitution letter.

Emotional restitution letters can trigger painful emotions – grief, fear, anger, and intense frustration. Especially when their not sincere or when they’re filled with excuses or victim blaming.

Many women seek support in a Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Session to process the content of the emotional restitution letter, as well as the emotions that come with receiving one.

The Most Painful Thing About An Emotional Restitution Letter From Your Husband

One of the most painful aspects of receiving an emotional restitution letter is the uncertainty of whether it’s sincere. Often, gaslighting, lying, and manipulation play a large part in how the offending partner treats his wife.

This can make such a letter feel confusing and even emotionally destabilizing: “He’s saying such kind things, but I feel so uncomfortable and unsettled. Like I should feel happy, but I just don’t. I don’t feel emotionally safe.”

If you can relate to these feelings, know that you’re not alone. Listen to this podcast episode, as Anne breaks down exactly what sincerity truly looks and feels like.

Real-Life Examples of Manipulative Emotional Restitution Letters

Example 1: Actions Speak Louder Than Words

Situation: A woman receives a letter from her husband apologizing for his actions. He writes about his regret and how much he values their relationship. However, despite his words, he shuts down her bank accounts and limits her financial autonomy.

Analysis: While the letter’s content might seem sincere, his actions contradict his apologies. True restitution involves not just words but actionable steps towards making amends.

Example 2: Apologizing to Everyone But You

Situation: Another man writes restitution letters to all his wife’s friends, acknowledging his infidelity and asking for their forgiveness. However, he fails to directly address his wife or her feelings.

Analysis: Genuine remorse should prioritize the person most affected by the betrayal. While apologizing to others can be part of the process, it should not replace a direct apology to the betrayed spouse.

Example 3: Empty Promises

Situation: A man sends an emotional email to his wife, apologizing for cheating and promising never to do it again. Meanwhile, he continues the affair, showing no signs of stopping.

Analysis: This is a clear example of insincerity. Genuine restitution requires ending harmful behaviors and taking concrete steps to rebuild trust.

Evaluating the Sincerity of an Emotional Restitution Letter

1. Consistency Between Words and Actions

The most crucial aspect of sincerity is consistency. Are his actions aligning with his words? If he’s genuinely remorseful, you should see tangible efforts to rebuild trust and make amends.

2. Understanding of Impact

Only actions can show that he understands the emotional and psychological impact of his actions on you. Is he doing things without being asked? Consistently??

To learn more about what to look for, learn more in The BTR.ORG Living Free Workshop.

Deciphering If It’s Sincere

If you struggle with his so-called emotional restitution letter, consider getting support from women who get it. Consider attending a Betrayal Trauma Recovery (BTR.ORG) Group Session TODAY.