Tragically, the sex addiction therapy community is focused on the causes of addiction, without focusing on how it affects an addict’s loved ones. Here’s the truth about the causes of sexual addiction.

Betrayal Trauma: The Result of Abuse, Not Addiction

A man’s “addiction” can’t and doesn’t cause betrayal trauma. Betrayal trauma is the result of emotional, psychological, financial, spiritual, and sexual abuse.

To determine if you’re experiencing any one of the 19 types of emotional abuse, take our free emotional abuse quiz.

What Makes Betrayal Trauma Worse?

Tragically, some of the recommendations that sex addiction professionals make to victims of betrayal harm them more.

So what makes betrayal trauma worse?

Causes of addiction: Engaging with the Abuser

Abusers will blame, shame, gaslight, turn tables, lie to, criticize, love-bomb, and re-traumatize victims.

Sexual addiction professionals, clergy, and others counsel traumatized women to share their feelings, ask questions, or work on their communication with a man who has thus far manipulated, lied, and harmed them.

Instead, victims should avoid engaging with the abuser and set boundaries that protect them from the harm that comes from conversations and associations with partners who are known to harm them.

Counseling With and Confiding in Clergy

If a victims meets with clergy and her abuser, religious leaders tend to disbelieve, minimize, or humiliate the victim.

The secondary trauma can be debilitating. Instead, trauma victims need to seek support from trauma professionals, like the coaches at Betrayal Trauma Recovery. Our Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Sessions happen multiple times a day and will provide the validation and support you need.

Isolation and Secrecy

Sometimes sexual addiction professionals counsel women to keep the “problems in the marriage” private. This is problematic, because pornography use and abuse are not a marriage problem – they’re an abuse problem.

Sometimes sexual addiction professionals make victims sign sex contracts or promise not to divorce the abuser for at least a year. Some even do polygraphs, but prohibit the victim from using anything in the polygraph in court, even if it’s criminal.

Transcript: The Truth About Betrayal Trauma & causes of addiction

Anne: I have a member of our community on today’s episode, we’re going to call her Cindy. Welcome Cindy.

Cindy: Good morning, thank you, Anne.

Anne: So Cindy, why don’t you just start with your story wherever you want to start?

Cindy: Sure, last February, I had what I now call my third and final D-Day in my relationship with my husband. I basically witnessed some behaviors that when I confronted him, it became evident to me that he had relapsed quite a time before. So basically, I found out again that he was in his addiction and lying for the three years prior. Being that I had some bottom line boundaries for myself, which was that I would not be in a relationship with an addict not pursuing recovery. And that I would not be kept in the dark again about my reality.

And after talking to him through this, it became evident that it was now time for me to say we couldn’t continue. We had been in recovery for 10 years post my initial D-Day, and I was comfortable calling it quits at this point. So since August, I’m legally separated. We are heading for divorce. It’s not a therapeutic separation.

Anne: So for women who just started listening to the podcast, let’s talk about a couple terms you brought up. Can you define D-Day for us?

Cindy: Yes, that’s a shorthand way of saying the day of discovery. Usually we use that term to describe the first day of discovery. The BTR coaches tend to use it for any discovery that has kind of redefined reality.

Recognizing Red Flags

Cindy: The original discovery when I first discovered his pornography use last February. I realized he had returned to using it. I talked to many women. Who, like myself, before I had the education I have now, think some of their relationships are on a path to healing.

But, until we know the signs, learn to trust our gut and pay attention to the red flags, and know about the causes of addiction. We can put faith in the fact that our spouses are on the right road. Or that good start is gonna last. And so, I’ve heard many women say, I knew about this, I found out about this, and I thought X, Y, and Z. I thought we were on the road to recovery. I thought he was doing well. Things seemed better. And then I discovered this.

Anne: Yeah, there are some people out there, some professionals that will say women know he’s lying and they’re in denial. I 100% do not agree with that. I think that’s victim blaming. Sometimes we don’t know. Sometimes we might sense something, but we take it to our abuser and he manipulates us.

And that’s why I wrote The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Living Free Workshop. it takes women step-by-step through a process that allows us to see the truth. Because he purposefully hides it from us sometimes. He wants us to separate from our gut feelings. Do you want to expand on that a little bit? Cause I’ve heard so many people say she’s just in denial, or she knew in her gut. Or she wasn’t in touch with herself. And I think women are in touch with themselves. It’s just the manipulation has caused such a fog.

Boundaries & Trust

Cindy: I could expound on this for days. Because I’ve been in the same boat, and you’re absolutely right. We are put in a position where somebody can criticize it no matter what we do. I wanted my marriage to make it, to give recovery a chance. I don’t have any regrets. Because I know that to have given my marriage a chance, I had to learn the boundaries, recognize the red flag. I had to learn to trust my gut. And know about the causes of addiction.

And at the same time, if it’s going to work, there’s going to come a day when I have to make myself vulnerable again. To say, I’m willing to extend my trust again, I’m not stupid, knowing that trust could be betrayed again. But if I’m not willing to take that risk again, I may as well call it quits in the beginning.

I remember one professional saying, you knew when you walked down the aisle, and I was like, no, I didn’t know. And he said, no, you knew. And I knew right then, and there I couldn’t get help from him. There’s no way I knew. I don’t know how people working with men with addiction or women for that matter can say that, because they know how successful men are in their deceptiveness. So how can I know what is deliberately and systematically kept from me?

Anne: Yeah, that’s exactly why I created the Living Free Workshop because these are the same professionals you’re talking about. They’ll admit he lied. They’ll acknowledge that. But then they believe what he says after. Like, how can we determine what is the truth? It’s so hard.

Causes of addiction: Cycle of Abuse

Cindy: Right, and I get in trouble with those same professionals after that person accused me of knowing and marrying anyway. Now I’m being accused of not trusting, not forgiving. Why am I assuming there’s a lie? And I’m left confused and thinking nothing I can do is right.

Anne: It’s also just flat out not logical that we are the causes of addiction.

Cindy: Right, it’s not.

Anne: I’m so sorry that happened to you. I mean, they’re talking out of both sides of their mouth, and it makes no sense. Within the context of BTR, when we say the word recover. We’re talking about recovering from the injuries we’ve received from our husband’s abuse through his sexual coercion, using pornography without our knowledge, deceit, manipulation, gaslighting, emotional and psychological abuse. All the abuse that we talk about here at BTR.

Recovery & Healthy Living

Anne: So many women who listen to the podcast or come to BTR for our services. They’ve done pornography addiction recovery with their husbands, just like you have. And then 5, 10 or 20 years later, maybe after a therapeutic disclosure or 4 D-Days later, they realized like this is not working. So when you’re talking about your husband being in recovery, the causes of addiction, and an addict’s recovery can you define recovery in that context?

Cindy: To me, recovery is the process of becoming healthy. The goal is to lead a life. of integrity, healthy emotional coping skills. I’ve always felt like recovery is nothing more than living a healthy life. Recovery is not just now. To get to point B. Recovery is the rest of your life, because once you’ve got it down, it’s about healthy living.

So why would we limit healthy living? We want that for the rest of our lives. In more specific terms, what does that look like? Because anyone can say they’re living a healthy life. I think figuring out what a healthy life looks like. What are healthy coping skills? What does he do?

Anne: In pornography addiction recovery, they’ll tell you to observe if he’s going to a 12 step group, or going to therapy. And that’s an indicator that he’s in recovery.

Identifying Abusive Behaviors

Anne: But they don’t actually talk about abusive behaviors generally. Did anyone ever identify the problem as abuse, in your experience?

Cindy: No, when I had my D-Day. I kind of stumbled across the term trauma, and not right away. I never stumbled across the word abuse. To be honest, it wasn’t until BTR that I can look back on my own situation now and definitely see a cycle of abuse. You know, most people think abuse, and they think physical or even verbal. My husband was always calm and quiet, and he made me look abusive compared to an outsider who didn’t know what was going on because I was very expressive of my anger.

Never physical, but I verbalized it, whereas he would maintain a kind of silence. But I know the abusive nature of gaslighting and there was a lot of that. In the end, there was no denying that he knew he was robbing me of my reality. At one point, I told him, if you keep secrets from me, knowing how damaging it is to our relationship and to me, this is abusive and cruel. And to continue to make that choice, I think is abusive and cruel. But no, that lingo was not out there.

Anne: And I think that’s what’s hurting victims of abuse. We’re trying to get help, but the professionals are digging in the wrong place. When they focus on the causes of addiction. That’s a reference to Raiders of the Lost Ark for you kids of the 80s, like me, who watched it 10 million times. They’re digging in the wrong place! So a lot of women, when their husband seems interested in change, are looking for benchmarks.

Causes of addiction: Benchmarks vs. Safety Behaviors

Anne: And I recently did a video, it’s floating around on Facebook, if you follow us on Facebook at Betrayal Trauma Recovery, it’s our guide to boundaries. We have graphics on Facebook and Instagram.

If you follow us there at Betrayal Trauma Recovery. Many of the women we talk to, their guys are going to therapy. They’re going to a recovery group. But because they’re also gaslighting their therapist, many of them are just getting a big ego boost. Or like narcissistic supply from their therapist, and they’re not improving at all. The therapist bases it on perceived causes of addiction.

And similarly, with either 12 step group or their accountability group, they go there and they’re like the hero, and they’re not telling them the truth. They’re just getting more narcissistic supply there. We see that all the time. So I want to warn women that what you need to look for, rather than benchmarks, is actual safety behaviors. I teach women how to do that in The Living Free Workshop. And to get more information, click on this link.

Cindy: That’s what I meant in the beginning when I mentioned integrity. Because those benchmarks can just be check boxes that get checked off. They don’t add up to anything. There’s no real change in the relationship at home and in the way I’m treated.

Anne: I’ve heard women share how, when they weren’t being treated better. Even though he was. “in recovery.” That he was like, well, I’m working on it, but what can you expect? I’m an addict, kind of a thing. Which basically amounts to he thought he had an excuse to behave that way.

Excuses & Accountability

Cindy: It’s really not an either or situation. It implies that either sex addiction is real, or people engage in hurtful behaviors using addiction as an excuse and figuring out the causes of addiction. But in my opinion, both of these can be true. If your husband’s using this as an excuse, it’s not an excuse. It no more justifies the addict’s behavior than alcoholism justifies crashing your vehicle head on into another vehicle and destroying the lives inside. That’s not going to get you out of the consequences for that. It doesn’t mean you’re not responsible.

Anne: To our listeners, have you wondered if it’s just another excuse or if it’s addiction? We’d love to hear your comments. Scroll down to the bottom of this transcript and you can comment there. We’d love to hear what you have to say.

Cindy: Now, I want to say in this situation you can accept or not accept that there’s such a thing as sex addiction. And what are the causes of addiction. Either way, we’re affected

Anne: it would be like a smoker saying, I’m addicted to smoking. And that’s why I smoke in your face, car, bedroom and kitchen. None of those are excuses. So wha? It’s not acceptable for you to smoke in my face.

Cindy: We need to protect ourselves.

Anne: Yeah, when an addict blames his family of origin, his wife, stressors of his job, oh man, like that happened all the time. I’m cranky and I’m irritable and I’m immature because I have a job. It’s like, no. That’s what I love about Betrayal Trauma Recovery is that we’ve all been there.

Conflicting Emotions

Anne: Like the therapist couldn’t understand why I told her my husband is abusive, and he has a pornography addiction, and I don’t want to get divorced. She couldn’t hold those three things in her brain at the same time. Yeah, it was like, well, if he’s abusive, then you want to get divorced. It was sort of like she thought I was crazy. And I thought, no, this is what’s happening. He is abusive, and I don’t want to get divorced.

That’s where I’m at. And so many times people, even when I got divorced, they said, oh, well, congratulations since he was abusive. And I’m like, no, not congratulations. I didn’t want to get divorced. That’s where I was. At Betrayal Trauma Recovery our coaches understand that from the beginning. They understand the causes of addiction.

Cindy: Most of us have experienced these conflicting things. When I found out about my husband’s addiction, I had been a stay at home mom for several years. In the midst of this, I remember personally feeling like I didn’t have any love left. But still not wanting to divorce.

I don’t feel guilty about that. That’s part of the trauma I was going through. I had a small child at home. I was lucky that I had a degree to fall back on. But there was a part of me that was just angry and thought, fine, that’s the life you want to live. You live that life, and I’ll continue to let you financially support me, and I’ll live the life I want.

Causes of addiction: Strength & Resilience

Cindy: That sounds kind of cold, and I eventually came to the conclusion that wasn’t how I wanted to live my life. When you have financial considerations. And you have children that you don’t want to live apart from, even part time. It’s something that weighs on your heart. People come to all kinds of decisions about how they’re going to handle this based on many reasons. I agree, your coaches are well trained to understand, because they have been there.

What I’ve found over and over again is that we are amazingly strong. It takes a lot of strength to pick yourself up from a situation you didn’t cause, you didn’t contribute to, and may not even have been aware of, and go get help for yourself. It’s unfair what we’re going through. But when people hurt us physically or emotionally, the person who hurt us can’t heal us.

Anne: You know, what’s sad about that is so many women feel they can’t live in their current situation. It’s untenable. But climbing out of the dark deep hole seems so difficult financially and emotionally. The prospect of getting help is scary and overwhelming. I wish life wasn’t like that. But it seems like the only option is either sitting in misery or working ourselves out of it. But there’s no magical thing that’s going to happen that’s going to make everything better once you figure out the causes of addiction.

Cindy: That’s the part that seems so unfair, but that’s where we find ourselves. I like the way you put that sit in misery or work our way out of it. It’s for us to decide, and we’re the only ones that can make it happen.

Recovery for Victims

Anne: Now at Betrayal Trauma Recovery, we define recovery for victims as like physical therapy. Or someone recovering from an accident or injury. So not that they’re sick or have some sort of mental disorder or something needing to recover like an addict. But more the recovery from the frame of reference of you’re injured and recovering from your injury.

When we use the word recovery in the betrayal trauma context, we’re talking about recovering from someone else’s harming you. You said if you’re not willing to trust again sometime in the future. I also want to share that many women aren’t sure if they’re willing to trust again, but what they’re willing to do is leave the light on. They’re willing to leave the door open just a little bit. Now interestingly enough, many victims, including me, are actually leaving the door open.

Not leaving the door open for like remarrying him or anything like that. He’s the one who needs to stop excusing behavior on the causes of addiction. I don’t think I’ll ever unblock him for my phone. But no matter if you’re still married, separated, or divorced. You can move forward with your life and live in reality, and see what he’s going to do is exactly what the Living Free workshop is about. You can move forward with your life focusing on your own dreams and goals. And if he wants to step into reality, awesome.

He can at any time. But in the meantime, you’ll have emotional safety. You’ll have psychological safety. And those safety strategies are what the Living Free Workshop teaches. Thank you so much, Cindy, for sharing your story today. I appreciate you being here.

Cindy: Thank you, Anne.