Liz just wanted to keep herself and her family safe. She didn’t know these 3 signs of spiritual abuse that every woman needs to know. To discover if you’re emotionally abused, take this free emotional abuse quiz.
Liz sought support from trusted church leaders after she experienced abuse. But rather than receiving the help she deserved, Liz experienced severe spiritual abuse from clergy and continued emotional and psychological abuse from her abusers.
What is Spiritual Abuse?
Spiritual abuse occurs when individuals use their authority, religious doctrines, or practices to exert control, manipulation, or power over others. Spiritual abuse can also occur when a leader dismisses, minimizes, or refuses to take proper steps to protect victims of abuse and crime. Abusers blame and hold victims responsible for the abuse.
Recognizing The Signs of Spiritual Abuse
It’s important to familiarize yourself with the spiritual abuse. Knowing how to identify spiritual abuse can help those in faith communities recognize and move away from situations where they may be exploited, misled, or traumatized.
- The lack of total accountability, a church doesn’t have turning yourself in to authorities as part of the repentance process.
- Requesting victims forgive and reconcile with no justice, when emotional and psychological safety haven’t been established.
- Continued lying, deceit, and dismissal of sin while professing to be righteous.
To learn more about how to recognize this type of abuse, enroll in the Betrayal Trauma Recovery Living Free Workshop.
Identifing Signs of Spiritual Abuse:
- Blame & Shame: Spiritually abusive leaders use blaming and shaming tactics to instill feelings of guilt or unworthiness. In our community, this looks like a pastor or other religious leader blaming a wife for her husband’s infidelity, telling her that if she was a better wife, he wouldn’t have been unfaithful.
- Overstepping Ethical Boundaries: When spiritual leaders offer marital counsel, therapy, mental health counseling, and label individuals with any diagnosis. Or use a deity to “discern” anything outside their scope of professional, ethical boundaries. This is a serious breach of propriety and is considered severe spiritual abuse. In our community, this often occurs when clergy labels abusive husbands mentally ill requiring more love, service, and sex.
- Encouraging Isolation: Spiritual abuse occurs when leaders encourage individuals, especially abuse victims, to distance themselves from outside sources of support. This occurs when clergy counsel victims not to report abuse to the authorities, or not attend support groups not sanctioned by the church. Leaders may counsel victims to stay tight-lipped about domestic abuse to everyone but the church leader. This conditioning to isolate can keep victims trapped in a devastating cycle of abuse.
As women set safety boundaries, appropriate support can be beneficial. Clergy have the unique opportunity to lovingly support victims as they identify abuse and seek safety from abusive behaviors.
Liz faithfully sought support from her clergy, only to experience further betrayal and abuse. As you listen to Liz’s story, difficult feelings may surface.
Please seek support if you experience triggers. Our daily, online Group Sessions are available to you – attend a session today.
Transcript: 3 Signs of Spiritual Abuse You Need To Know
Anne: About 20 years ago, I was at school teacher at a public school. And I went on a trip with a bunch of teachers to teach English in China. And on that trip, I went with Liz and her mother. At the time, I perceived Liz and her mother as the “typical Christian family.” They went to church every week and looked like they obeyed the commandments. I’ve reconnected with Liz. And she told me what was going on in her family. Today we’re talking about the signs of spiritual abuse.
At Betrayal Trauma Recovery, we have women who are agnostic, atheists, Catholics, evangelicals, Baptists, Jewish women, Muslims. Women from all different faith backgrounds and philosophical paradigms. You are welcome here. Our only goal is to help women get to emotional and psychological safety.
I always appreciate your patience with me when I share from my own religious perspective. And it’s only to simply share my own story and how I’m feeling. I honor the choices everyone makes regarding their religion or paradigm. Because Liz is a member of my faith. We’re both members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. There are a few things that may help you understand as she shares her story.
In The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, there’s a local volunteer called the Bishop. And then. It’s similar to the structure of the Catholic church. There’s somebody over all local volunteer bishops, which is a stake president. And then a worldwide leader. Today, we’ll mention Bishop, the local leader. And then the stake president, who is a leader in charge of multiple local congregations.
Accountability In Faith Communities
Anne: In my opinion, one of the Bishop’s jobs is to ensure the congregation is safe and the members of the congregation are safe. And I would say that of any clergy: Catholic priests, pastors or rabbis. That anyone in charge of a faith congregation, part of their job, should be to keep their congregation and the members of the congregation safe. And watch for the signs of spirital abuse. Many churches have a system of accountability.
In scripture, it says that if one or two witnesses share some information, that would affect the safety of the congregation. That there will be a counsel to determine what to do with that member. Now in the past, in my church and in pretty much every church that I know about. It’s seen as a way to call this person to repentance. But I don’t think they’re using it. The way they could use it. They’re not using it to keep their congregations safe and their members safe.
You’ll hear more about that. And what repentance really entails a little later in this story. Now, in the story Liz is about to tell. She’s going to outline how her brother and her father have repeatedly lied to bishops and stake presidents throughout their lives. She’s also going to talk about how she approached the bishop and stake president to stop the abuse, infidelity, and hold her brother and father accountable. She experienced spiritual abuse when she did this.
I didn’t ask Liz during this interview why she did not report the sexual abuse in her family to the police. Victims have good reasons for not reporting. So many people think that reporting is the answer to abuse.
Struggles With Faith & Family
Anne: And we have seen over and over again that oftentimes reporting doesn’t do anything and causes problems for the victim. Especially when they can’t prove what happened. At Betrayal Trauma Recovery, we believe the victim is the best person to decide whether to report. And we support her in whatever decision she makes, in her situation. What do you feel like is going to bring you the most safety and our coaches can help you work through that.
Also, if you do decide to report. Get help from a victim advocate is important, so it can be as safe as possible. When I talk to victims, the question of whether they reported is usually not on the top of my mind. Because reporting isn’t always the solution. It can help or hurt. So keep that in mind as Liz and I talk today. So with that very long introduction. Welcome. Liz. Why don’t you start wherever you want to start.
Liz: I’m the youngest of four and had a pretty normal LDS church upbringing. When I was about 12, I was praying about what had been happening to me. And if it wasn’t right, my oldest brother would not go on his mission. And for about a year, year and a half, there was sexual abuse. I thought maybe I was crazy, that I was making things up. I didn’t dare tell anyone, because why would I say something like that about my older brother? Then he left on his mission.
I decided I must be crazy and that God didn’t care about me. And it totally put me on a really intense and destructive internal trajectory for my teenage years. This was spiritual abuse.
Confronting Spiritual Abuse
Liz: When I look at the statistics of what happens to girls who are abused, and the paths they take. I was not a promiscuous teenager, didn’t do drugs, alcohol and self harming. I was completely unmoored. Because of spiritual abuse I had no idea where the foundation was. to stand on. Many of the teachings of the church, eternal families, and we’re a happy family I didn’t know what to think or believe anymore.
Because I was either making something up or this was huge, horrible, and awful, and why wasn’t anybody noticing? I finally told a few of my friends what had happened, and at this point of course my brother had come home from his mission. And my two siblings in between us were off at college, but he was going to college while living at home. So it was me and him in the home together.
While there was no more sexual abuse, he hit me a few times. And there was a lot of physical intimidation where he would pick me up and dangle me over the stairwell. He was big enough that he could pick me up and do whatever he wanted. He had a lot of anger. And of course, my parents just told him to stop bothering his sister. Stop fighting kids, kind of thing. I told my friend after my brother hit me. Because he bruised me pretty good.
They were like, you need to tell somebody, like an adult. And I just decided finally, I feel like I’m going crazy. I’m going to write this all down. And I left it in a pile of things on my desk in my room. It was not out on top. It was not super hidden away.
What Will The Neighbors Think?
Liz: But my mom searched my room. I came home from school that day to a typewritten letter from her. And in the letter, she told me that my brother had come to her before his mission. And she told him not to go to the bishop. Or that the bishop would drag my parents in, or I don’t know what. Just that the whole thing is like, no, let’s just not go there, because we were a church going family on the surface.
The one thing that she said I remember distinctly was, what will the neighbors think? And I was like, is that what this is about? I grew up with my mom telling me that I was her baby girl. Growing up with that message from my mother and then finding out when I’m 16, that her pride and fear were more important, was extremely devastating to me.
So when I was 16, I quit going to church because I was like, why, what’s the point here? Because you don’t care, and God doesn’t care, the spiritual abuse was so great that I felt the rug had been ripped out from underneath me, and my whole world was completely in turmoil. I barely graduated from high school, but I was still able to get into college and go away to college.
At the time, I applied and got accepted to go away to college, which was my way of getting out of the house. That was when my oldest brother transferred to that university. So I went to university in my first year with him on campus. From what I understand, he did talk to a bishop. As we understand it, our doctrine includes restitution, with repentance.
College & Continued Struggles
Liz: And at one point I remember my mom sending my brother into my room to apologize to me. I just remember hearing her tell him in the kitchen, go apologize. And him coming down the hallway to my room, which is the last thing I want, is him in my room. So that was the dynamic, and I still felt like I was crazy. I went to one year of college with my brother. And I ended up dropping out because I was not emotionally prepared to be a college student.
I didn’t have the skill set academically or emotionally to do what I needed to do. I believe at this point it’s about the time my sister was preparing to go on her mission. We hadn’t seen a lot of each other. I was downstairs, she came down. I do not remember what the conversation was about, but it turned into an argument. All of a sudden, she says, well, you’re not the only one who’s been abused. And of course, my world drops out from under me again.
And she tells me that my dad started abusing my sister about the time my brother came home from his mission. My mother, from my perspective, treated my sister like the other woman, like my dad had had an affair. Mom did not protect her children, we both had been victims of abuse spiritual abuse.
Well, when she dropped the bombshell, I still didn’t know what to do with myself. And my parents had told me that I couldn’t go back to college until I could pay for it myself, because I had dropped out. So instead, I went to California and was a nanny.
Spiritual Abuse: Return To Faith, Motherhood & Realizations
Liz: I wanted to have the gospel in my life again, so I returned to Utah, college, and the LDS church. Even in the turmoil since then, I realized that even with doubts and anger, I have the peace and joy I need in my life. I know because I’ve tried that other road. In the process of coming back, I didn’t bring anything up with my family. I just simply tried to be a good daughter and a good sister.
And a good church member. I was married, and after a not super lengthy infertility road, I was blessed with two children. We ended up living in the neighborhood I grew up in. And when my daughter was about to turn one, I kept trying to talk to my mom about the abuse in our family. Her only real response was, I’m sorry, I can’t change the past.
And so when my daughter was about to turn one year old, it all hit me what the statistics are for girls. That one in three or one in four will deal with abuse of some kind, sexual abuse of some kind or assault. There was an interaction with my brother where he had basically been fighting with his wife on the way up to my family’s.
And he ended up yelling at me, and it totally rattled me. It took me way back to all his anger after his mission. I just realized that I was possibly letting my children be groomed for abuse in contact with my family.
Anne: That is so brave of you. And you’re also being abused emotionally and psychologically in an ongoing fashion by your brother. So the abuse that you’re experiencing from your brother is ongoing, plus the signs of spiritual abuse.
Breaking Away
Liz: Yes, and I walked in on my dad looking at what were celebrity bikini shots. Which some people would just bat their eye at and say, that’s nothing. But a 60 something year old man, who is an active, faithful LDS church member.
Anne: Faithful in air quotes. It was part of the signs of spiritual abuse.
Liz: Yeah, faithful and would have no reason, should not, look at something like that. And I remember going home and writing in it in my journal, because of course, you know, write it down, makes it real. Talking to my husband about it, trying to somehow reason it away.
Four years later I caught my dad looking at some serious pornography on his computer. I knocked on the door and rang the doorbell. My dad wears hearing aids, came in the house, walked down the hall, and there he was on the computer. He hurried and clicked out of everything. But my husband is a computer guy. And for a while he put a tracker on their computer, and then he says, “No, I don’t want this because we’re just not going there.” We saw some, some serious stuff.
I went over to their house, and I took all the things that were mine that were still in their house. Photos of me, photos of my children, anything I had given them. Cleaned all my things out of their house. My husband and I discussed it. We got ready to put our house on the market and move out of my parents’ neighborhood. I agonized and cried, and I felt bad that I was taking away my children’s grandparents from them and all that extended family, but I just knew I couldn’t do this anymore.
Reporting To Church Authorities
Liz: My family was not willing to talk about it. My family was not willing to put in place any kind of safeguards or anything like that. My parents have 12 grandchildren and would watch grandchildren overnight, unsupervised.
Anne: Just to interject real quick. It’s also not in the past. Because you have two abusers, who continue to lie and manipulate and gaslight. So the abuse is still ongoing.
Liz: But that’s how my family sees it. So at the time, I was also in my parents’ congregation, not just in their neighborhood, and I went to the bishop and stake president to talk to them about my family’s history. And both were, shall we say, unimpressed. With what I said about my dad, they called him in and talked to him, which to me in retrospect felt like a good old boys network. These experiences were signs of spiritual abuse.
They said, well, he took care of everything 30 years ago because my dad abused my sister and not me. I think they also blew me off. They did not see a connection between the pornography and the abuse. And the only conversations I ever had were with my mother. The room would freeze over. And what infuriated me the most was that when I really pushed on it, the only thing my dad told my siblings was that he had looked at some pictures.
He did not tell my brothers that he had ever abused my sister. He just said, I looked at some pictures and that was it.
Anne: Minimizing it.
Liz: Yeah.
Cutting Ties With My Spiritual Abusers
Liz: At this point, we cut off all contact with my family. We put our house on the market, and I was so angry that there was no way for me to talk to my family without literally exploding. I did tell my parents I would like mediated counseling sessions. I would like my dad to go to 12 step and personal counseling. None of that happened. So about six months after I discovered my dad on the computer, we had sold our house and moved.
We did not move that far, but we did not tell them where we were moving to. We just simply moved out of this neighborhood and city they were in. It’s been over five years since then, and I still struggle with, I’m a horrible daughter. About a month and a half ago, my mom called and left me a message telling me that my dad went to the emergency room and was in the ICU.
My middle brother ended up sending me an email saying, now’s your chance to make things good. And I just was like, I don’t want to be a callous jerk. I feel bad that my mom is so upset that my dad is so sick, and I feel bad about all this. But I walked away five years ago. Knowing that I was essentially walking away from everything, ever seeing them, talking to them, any of that, because they also asked me to forgive them. And I said, I forgive you, but forgiveness does not equal forgetting.
Anne: Or trust, with no true signs of remorse or repentance, just continued spiritual abuse.
Boundaries & Signs Of Spiritual Abuse
Liz: Yeah, and essentially I felt like in response, my parents put in mission papers and went on a mission. It seemed like my brother was going on his mission all over again. You know, my parents are leaving on their mission. It was like, that’s it. I’m done. And my husband has said to me a couple of times, maybe you should reiterate again what you want from them. And I’m like, I have, and I’m done because I can’t force them.
Liz: This is big on your website. And in the services for Betrayal Trauma Recovery is learning boundaries. It was huge, huge for me to realize what boundaries were and how to use them. Because we haven’t had productive conversations ever. I’m like, I’m not allowing you in.
Anne: So let’s talk about spiritual abuse. Here are three signs of spiritual abuse that you described. For your dad’s Bishop to say, oh, he dealt with it in the past, but he never went to jail for child sexual abuse. That would be part of the repentance process. So he did not repent. Number one of the sign of spiritual abuse is a lack of total accountability, which would be admitting what you had done and serving time in this case.
The number two, sign of spiritual abuse is the request to forgive with absolutely no justice is a sign of spiritual abuse. And the number three sign of spiritual abuse is continued lying. Which is still happening. You were so brave to set boundaries to keep yourself and your children safe. And you should be commended for that. Like that’s something to be proud of, not something to be ashamed of.
Reflection & Moving Forward
Liz: Yeah, I felt so broken for so long. I felt like sometimes my infertility was God punishing me because I was such an awful daughter. So I felt physically, emotionally and spiritually broken. Because I had prayed and God didn’t hear me. Parents are supposed to protect, love and nurture.
And what did my parents do? They picked themselves over their children by going to church, and all the things they are teaching at church, and not actually living them. About being loving eternal families. They were sitting there, and I felt guilty that I don’t want to be with my family eternally because they’re scary.
Anne: Yeah, that makes total sense. Now that you’ve set this boundary, they’re continuing to be unhealthy. How are you feeling?
Liz: It took me a while. When my dad went to the hospital a month and a half ago, and my brother sent me that email, and he said, now is your chance. I stewed for six hours and realized, nope, now is not my chance. When I returned to my family, Utah, and the church, that was their chance. I tried to open up conversations and dialogue, and nobody wanted to do it. And so I decided I was done and I walked away.
No one in my family has learned, understood, researched, the effects of abuse, or this betrayal. They have seen ecclesiastical leaders. That is it. They have done what is technically required by their ecclesiastical leaders.
Courage & Gratitude
Anne: Unfortunately, these particular ecclesiastical leaders don’t know anything about true repentance, because if they did. They would have told your brother and your dad that they need to turn themselves into the police and serve time in jail for child abuse. That would be actual repentance. And then continue to make restitution to you, your sister, and your whole family for the rest of their lives. So technically, their ecclesiastical leaders did not help them repent at all.
Liz: Because church has been a big part of my family’s culture, but not necessarily living the gospel. I think that plays into their, yep, she’s just rattling the cage. She’s just trying to cause problems. It’s always, you know, just calm down, just leave us alone. Why are you so worried about this?
Anne: I am so proud of you that you have made the difficult and heart wrenching decision to set this boundary with your unhealthy family. In spite of the pain and sadness that you feel about your family, making life healthy for you and your own kids now. Going to China with you so long ago, I never would have guessed this. Abuse is rampant in so many families. And I’m proud of you for protecting yourself and getting to safety, rather than worrying about what it looks like on the outside.
You are so brave and, dare I say, righteous for standing in truth, righteousness, and setting boundaries against the wickedness of your family. I appreciate your courage and sharing your story today. Thank you so much.
Liz: Thank you for everything you’re doing.
Victoria, Australia. Royal Commission into sexual abuse in the Catholic Church indicates 95% of the victims to have been boys. In fact boys have been raped on an industrial scale in these institutions for centuries. Our communities, knowing full well it was going on, either ignored it or made jokes about.
In this instance they’re only being ignored. At least you’re not making jokes about them.
I appreciate your insight! I agree, more people need to understand these issues. Our mission is to bring to light and support wives who have experienced their husband’s spiritual abuse. Women who are victims of their husband’s repeated adultery and infidelity and lies. Thank you for your work to bring child abuse of the Catholic church, especially to young boys to light.
My ex went to the preacher first. Told him his sad tale of woe. Having a difficult wife who insisted on divorcing him, etc. Then I went to the preacher and said: you’d divorce him too if all he wanted to do was rape you. And the preacher refused to “take a side” in this. And so I left the church and the ex remains a deacon in good standing. I beseeched the preacher to not allow this man to chaperone any youth activities ever again……and the preacher asked me if the ex had ever been arrested. THe preacher also remains in good standing. And I have been encouraged by everyone(friends, therapists, acquaintances…..) to find a new church family……I don’t know what to do to get my point across. My children even want me to place nice and get along. It would make their lives so much easier, etc. I am losing this fight.