If you grew up in a fundamentalist Christian home, you may be all too familiar with how fundamentalism and patriarchy fuel abuse.
To know if you’re experiencing this type of abuse in your church or home, take our free emotional abuse quiz.

Emily is on the Betrayal Trauma Recovery Podcast, sharing her experiences with a fundamentalist cult. Recognizing and then escaping the abusiveness of her upbringing has led her to support other victims – including the Betrayal Trauma Recovery Community.
Fundamentalism & Patriarchy Are Intertwined
You can’t have fundamentalist teachings without patriarchy lurking ominously. Patriarchy is simply disguised misogyny, and misogyny is at the root of abuse.
Using Religion To Excuse & Enable Abuse
Fundamentalist religious communities use patriarchal (misogynistic) doctrines to excuse and enable abuse: Whether you’ve recently wondered if there are abusive patterns in your faith community, or you’ve been nuanced for some time. Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Sessions are a safe place for you to process your trauma and find a community of women who will never judge you on your journey. We love you, we believe you.

Transcript: How Fundamentalism And Patriarchy Fuel Abuse
Anne: I am so honored to have Emily on today’s episode. She’s a trauma recovery advocate for people who’ve experienced abuse within a Christian environment. She grew up in a fundamentalist cult for 23 years and experienced childhood domestic violence. We will talk about how fundamentalism and patriarchy fuel abuse. Emily began her journey to recovery and eventually found Jesus her ultimate healer.
Welcome, Emily.
Emily: Oh, thank you, Anne, so much for having me on today. I’m so excited about this. I’ve been looking forward to this for quite a while.
Anne: So let’s start with your own personal story. Can you talk to us about your personal experiences in fundamentalism and patriarchy? And as you’re explaining that, would you also mind sharing your definition of fundamentalism?
Emily: Absolutely, so my parents raised me in a Baptist Christian home. My parents were both school teachers at what I consider a fundamentalist patriarchal Christian school.
So there are so many definitions of fundamentalism. There’s the definition where Christians just take the Word of God as inerrant, and they take it literally. And I would say I am still a Christian, and I would say I still believe in the inerrancy of God’s Word. I still take it pretty literally, other than the obvious poetic passages, you know.

But, my experience with fundamentalism was actually an almost prosperity gospel type experience. They taught me Christians have a very black and white world. Everything is either good or evil. I grew up listening to teachers and instructors ideas. Their ideas of what they considered right and what they considered wrong. And we’re talking about things that are not actually laid out clearly in scripture.
Women Considered Beneath Men
Emily: Things like what kind of music you can listen to or how you dress. Those kinds of things. So actually just a lot of the extra stuff that Christians can disagree about. People’s different opinions on what is considered Christlike behavior. Opinions in the fundamentalist world are pared down to everything. Fundamentalism and patriarchy fuel abuse.
Everything’s black and white. There is no gray area whatsoever. And so if you follow all the rules, your life will be amazing, and God will bless you. If you are experiencing any kind of hardship in your life, it’s because you’re obviously not following all the rules. And if you think you are, you probably have some secrets hidden in your heart.
Anne: So would you say, with your definition of fundamentalism, that there are men who define these things? So for example, they define what you should wear. Or what you should read or watch. Or the way you should spend your time, and there’s very little autonomy for women.

Emily: Yes, for sure. Every fundamentalist teaching I’ve ever encountered also goes hand in hand with patriarchy. And that’s going to be the primary topic of what we’re discussing today and what patriarchy looks like. But for the most part, it looks like men doing the teaching and interpreting of scripture.
Leadership repeatedly tells women that it’s easy to deceive them, like Eve. So you have to have male authority over you for your protection, safety, provision and interpretation of scripture. They consider women beneath men, they are the property of men. They must have some kind of male headship and authority, rather than God being their direct authority.
Early Education & Gothard Homeschool
Anne: Back in the day, women were property. And then around the 1800s, that didn’t fly anymore. Christians picked up the reason they’re less than because God ordained it so. The patriarchy has sort of evolved the reasons why women are less than, and none of them hold water. But they have to have some reason, and unfortunately in the Christian world women have bought into this, and it has really harmed us. Fundamentalism and patriarchy fuel abuse.
Emily: I think patriarchy is a nice package for abuse, power and control. And so many abusers like to use it and claim it is of God. It is not. They feed women that this is what God wants. I saw patriarchy used to excuse abusive behavior. So as I said, my parents raised me first in a Baptist home, and we went to a pretty fundamentalist patriarchal church that was also a school. My parents were teachers at that school.

My parents raised me in that school system from first through fourth grade. But in fifth grade, my parents left that church and moved on to a different church. At the same time, my mother decided to homeschool me. And at that point we joined The Advanced Training Institute, a homeschool cult run by a man named Bill Gothard.
Gothard initially founded his ministry, the Institute in Basic Youth Conflicts, in the 1960s, and eventually evolved to the Institute in Basic Life Principles, and that was the parent organization. ATI, the Advanced Training Institute, started in the 80s when the homeschooling movement started to pick up.
Fundamentalism And Patriarchy Fuel Abuse: The Wisdom Booklets & ATI Conferences
Emily: And we had homeschooling material that we would work through every day. So every family did things differently. Some families exclusively used the ATI materials for their homeschool education. It was different, not a comprehensive education by any stretch of the imagination. But other families like mine chose to use the ATI materials just for Bible study time. And then we did thorough education on top of that.
In addition to using the ATI materials. The 52 Wisdom Booklets were the primary materials. And you did one booklet per month. And then when you got to the end, you would just start back over with number one again. Children of all ages used these Wisdom Booklets simultaneously.
So families would gather together, and you would have from toddlers, all the way up to high school students, reading these wisdom booklets together and having family discussions based on them. So with my family, my mother and I just read through the wisdom booklets first thing in the morning, and then we did other schoolwork later in the day.
Families attended homeschool conferences each year. You would attend one conference per year, but they would have a few select locations. You picked whichever one was closest to you in the United States. I loved the ATI conferences because in a cult, you live in your own unique culture.
They raise you in this little bubble. You’re told that anyone who doesn’t believe exactly the way you do is potentially dangerous. Or not a Christian, or will be a bad influence at least. Fundamentalism and patriarchy fuel abuse.
Realizing The Cult Environment
Emily: So, you fellowship with those who believe. You associate only with like-minded believers who believe similar things. The conferences were my safe place every year. Because families surrounded me that looked exactly like I looked. We all dressed the same, talked the same, consumed the same media and had the same belief systems. So it felt like a very, very safe place.
I didn’t come to the understanding until many years later that this was actually a cult. And this is one of the classic cult environments that you experience. Bill Gothard groomed me starting at 13 when he was in his 70s.
Anne: And he is the leader of this cult.
Emily: He is the leader, yes. He groomed me from 13 until I was 18 years old. That looked like Bill approaching me at every conference and trying to convince me to leave home and permanently move up to the organization’s headquarters, which was in Chicago. And he did this frequently. He would consistently have teenagers leave their homes for extended periods. Fundamentalism and patriarchy fuel abuse.
Whether that is months or upwards to years, and they would move to headquarters. They would work at headquarters, whether in the shipping department, answering phone calls, or working in the kitchens. Many teenage girls personally worked with Bill and did more secretarial work for him. So he groomed me for six years, asking me to eventually come up there. I did have a short time when I was 18 years old. I was only up there for about 10 days, thank God.
Joining The Lawsuit Against Gothard
Emily: My mother was alongside me, and that 10 day interaction with Bill was negative. His behavior toward me became increasingly abusive and inappropriate. It basically became a war between us where he wanted me to stay. My mother and I did not feel comfortable with that. So eventually we chose to go back home. And about a year later, I came across a website created by survivors of ATI. They were raised in the system.
They are now adults who came out of it, and understood the toxicity of the belief system. And they started to write articles online about what is toxic about the teachings, and how this was actually a cult and not biblical. So I came across this website and started reading stories from other young women targeted by Bill. Or at least they had allegations of such behavior.
I read those articles, and realized that I experienced what they called grandfatherly affection. It actually crossed the line into sexual harassment. And later, after a few more years, I joined a lawsuit with 19 other victims with various allegations. We fought in that lawsuit for five years until 2020. And the lawsuit did not conclude the way we had hoped, we had to withdraw it before we went to trial.
I can’t go into all the reasons why we did, but there were various legal reasons why we chose to withdraw. We have not taken back any of our allegations or our stance on what we believe happened there. Fundamentalism and patriarchy fuel abuse. Today, I choose to use my voice for good, and I try to warn people of the abuse common in patriarchal organizations.
Fundamentalism And Patriarchy Fuel Abuse: The Lack Of Education
Emily: Hopefully, to give insight to victims and share that this is not a biblical system at all.
Anne: Thank you so much for sharing. That sounds really difficult. People don’t realize that all of this emotional and psychological grooming, even if it does not result in some type of physical assault, is still very damaging to victims.
Emily: Yes, absolutely, that was a turning point in my deconstruction process. I actually began professional therapy just a month after joining the lawsuit, and I now call that day my freedom day. So tomorrow is my freedom day, and I’m celebrating six years out of the cult. But part of my initial therapy was to help me understand what actually constitutes abuse, and what abuse looks like. Fundamentalism and patriarchy fuel abuse.
Often in fundamentalist circles, I see a lack of education, because usually these groups focus on the purity movement, the courtship movement. That has all its own problems. No one tells students what sexual abuse looks like. And so, not only did I experience this harassment from Bill. Also, throughout my teenage years, my father sexually abused me. My father molested me at one point.
So I didn’t believe it was abuse. I thought that to call it abuse, it had to involve some kind of penetration. The emotional ramifications and trauma that ensue, and the PTSD, can be severe. Even when you are dealing with just sexual harassment or abuse.
Anne: “just,”
Emily: Yes, exactly, milder instances. You could say.
Anne: I don’t know if I’d even call it milder. It’s all awful.
The Impact Of Emotional & Psychological Abuse
Anne: All of it is awful, perhaps in some women’s minds, depending on their understanding of abuse, like if someone hits you in the face, it’s awful, but you know, they hit you in the face. Whereas the psychological and emotional stuff is so damaging, partly because it’s so confusing, and so that is so damaging. I never want to use the word just because it’s very, very damaging.
And I would say most women who have been physically assaulted. There is no physical assault without emotional and psychological assault. Most say that psychological and emotional abuse was the hardest part they had to heal from. Wrapping your head around it, trying to figure out what happened, questioning yourself. All that stuff made it so difficult to figure out what was going on.
Emily: Yes, I believe emotional abuse is a form of physical abuse. Another part of my story is because of the abuse I experienced. Because fundamentalism and patriarchy fuel abuse, both through Gothard and my father.
I developed an autoimmune disease at 11 years old, which is young. I was officially diagnosed when I was 13 with Crohn’s disease. You can look in the photo albums and see when my symptoms first began. It correlates exactly when the abuse from my father began.
I have talked to a lot of survivors, and many women are confused. They say, well, he’s not physically abusive. He doesn’t hit me. You know, he’s never been physically violent toward me or anything like that. But then they explain severe and in-depth emotional, psychological, intellectual and financial abuse. There are so many layers of abuse. All those layers of emotional abuse can cause a stress reaction in the body.
The Need For Emotional & Psychological Safety
Emily: Which begins to tear down your body systems and whacks out your hormones, causing systemic inflammation and infections. So one of the common repercussions of emotional abuse is actually physical illness. So really, it’s not any less abuse because he didn’t hit you.
Anne: Yeah, I want that to hit home with victims who are listening. Who think they don’t have enough to warrant them making their way to safety. You know, like it’s not so bad yet that I have to do something about it. Like it is already to the point where you need to seek safety, emotional,and psychological safety. All those things are so important. I’m so sorry to hear about your disorder. That is so hard.
Emily: Well, thank you. I still deal with the physical symptoms daily, and I’m having to realize that if my body endured two decades of abuse. It will take a while to be out of that abusive situation, when fundamentalism and patriarchy fuel abuse. So my body can slowly heal. Honestly, I’ll probably always deal with some kind of physical repercussion.
Anne: That’s another reason why it’s so concerning to me that people say things like, oh, just forgive or move on. And I think it’s because people don’t realize that there are real, tangible consequences that we live with as abuse victims daily.
That it isn’t just a matter of moving forward with our lives. We move forward with our lives the best way possible, and continue to deal with the consequences of our actions, being victimized. And that is hard for each of us in our own way with all the consequences that we face.
Fundamentalism And Patriarchy Fuel Abuse: Understanding Cults
Anne: And it’s unfortunate that the society at large, number one, doesn’t understand abuse. But number two, doesn’t understand what true change looks like in an abuser. If an abuser genuinely understood what they had done, they would be making restitution to their victims for the rest of their lives.
Emily: Yes, and the consequences of abuse and sin can continue to last to some degree.
Anne: Exactly, you used the word cult, and said you weren’t aware that you were in a cult at the time. When you say the word cult, what identifies to you that it’s a cult now?
Emily: Well, I think there are several indicators of what a cult may look like. Usually there is one primary person in authority receiving revelations from God, if this is supposedly a Christian organization. We saw that with Gothard, he wrote quite a few books and came up with some interesting interpretations of scripture that are not found anywhere else.
He loved to write a certain idea of his, and then cherry pick a verse to try to support it. Fundamentalism and patriarchy fuel abuse. So if you actually look up the verses supposed to support his statement. You realize that that verse is completely taken out of context, and it has nothing to do with it, with what he’s talking about most of the time in ATI. You had to pay. So there’s usually some kind of financial investment in a cult. We had to pay a yearly membership to be part of it.
Speaking of memberships, there was a rigorous approval application. So cults usually require their members to hold certain very, very strict standards.
Isolation & Excommunication In Cults
Emily: If you don’t hold to those standards, you aren’t allowed to be part of the organization anymore. We experienced that for sure. You’ve got an authoritarian leader who usually abuses their power. Fundamentalism and patriarchy fuel abuse. Many times, families become isolated. As I said earlier, they become leery of others who do not believe exactly how they believe.
There’s a lot of isolation that happens. You’re living in a bubble. And if a child grows up, becomes an adult, and decides not to follow the cult standards anymore. Oftentimes excommunication is a result of that, and family relationships are broken off because you can’t fellowship with somebody who is not following the cult lifestyle anymore.
Anne: Okay, so some pretty severe consequences for people who disagree.
Emily: Yes
Anne: Okay, that’s really hard. Thank you for sharing that with us. When we’re talking about the patriarchal mindset common in so many patriarchal organizations, what theological ideations, if any, contribute to that mindset?
Emily: I think patriarchalists often like to start with the first book of the Bible. They love to say Eve was deceived in the garden, and that if Adam had been there, perhaps she wouldn’t have been deceived. This is funny, because if you read scripture, it says after she took of the fruit and ate, she gave it to Adam who was with her.
So that seems clear in scripture that he was actually with her, but they love to say that because Eve was deceived, women are more naturally deceived. And just in the last week, I have listened to two different teachers using the exact phrase that men are rescuers of women. And that is actually a God-ordained position that men are supposed to rescue women from deception.
Men As Protectors & Providers
Emily: Men should protect them from any kind of harm that could come to them in the world. Men are supposed to be protectors, providers, and spiritually lead their family. So often that means the husband or the man should read the scripture to the family. And interpreting the scripture to the family, because women are deceived. And easily confused by scripture, and can’t properly interpret it, they have to have a man interpret it for them.
So many times, there’s a big focus on Genesis, as the reason why patriarchy is God ordained. Also, Ephesians 5:21, the verse on submission is frequently brought up. But the verse actually says submit to one another out of reverence to Christ. So even in Ephesians, we see it clearly stating that a husband and wife must be on mutual ground. They’re supposed to submit to one another.
And I think in this instance, submit would be well translated to serve one another or to prioritize each other’s preferences. So it’s talking about kindness and Christlike behavior toward one another. I do not see that as a command to authority whatsoever. Fundamentalism and patriarchy fuel abuse.
Anne: From what you just said, the main thing that is deceiving women, is men.
Emily: True.
Anne: Right, so if you are concerned that women are being deceived. Then who is deceiving them? And it’s not their fault they’re being deceived. It’s the abusers who lie and manipulate them.
Emily: Right.
Anne: What deceives women? Wicked men, that’s who they’re deceived by. And it’s not their fault, that’s funny. I’m like, maybe you should be trustworthy, and then you wouldn’t have to worry about it.
Fundamentalism And Patriarchy Fuel Abuse: Authority & Marriage Ceremonies
Anne: What does life look like for a woman in the most severe patriarchal Christian organizations?
Emily: I have seen it start with daughters at home, where they are told they must have an authority figure over them. And their God given authority is their father. That authority remains until they’re married. So, in these patriarchal organizations, I’ve been to many weddings. There’s almost always a transfer of authority section in the marriage ceremony. So, the father walks the girl down the aisle, and he’s holding her hand. Then he gives this blessing over her.
Then a speech about how he’s been entrusted with her and he’s been her authority all these years. I’ve seen this with 41 year old women. This is not just young girls, but even 41 year old women who have continued to stay at home to be under their father’s authority. Then he moves her hand into her groom’s hand, and does this like I’m transferring the authority over to the groom. Anyway, so I’ve seen that a lot.
Anne: That makes sense with how women were just property before. So essentially they’re saying, she was my property, but now she’s going to be your property. Except that was not the right thing to say anymore after the late 1800s. And so then they were like, Oh, what are we going to say now? Oh, I know we’ll say our God given authority over them as being transferred. Fundamentalism and patriarchy fuel abuse.
Emily: Yes, so women raised in patriarchal organizations are often discouraged from working outside the home or for making any kind of income. Because that would be the man’s responsibility. They’re usually stay at home moms, sometimes homeschooling their children.
Consulting Husbands On Decisions
Emily: There’s nothing wrong with stay at home moms by any means, nothing wrong with homeschooling. It’s the idea that it’s more biblical. Than a woman choosing to be a provider for her family, a financial provider. That bothers me. Every family, I think, decides the dynamics, who has which responsibilities, and how those responsibilities are divided.
It’s not more biblical for a woman to be a stay at home mom and the husband to be the breadwinner. Women, because they’re told they’re so easily deceived, are encouraged to consult their husbands on all decisions. No matter how small, any kind of financial decision or decision for the family, or even buying kids clothes. I mean little stuff like that. I’ve seen women have to get their husband’s permission before they do anything.
I have seen women not allowed to take communion unless it’s given to them by their husband. In some churches, if a single woman comes in, or heaven forbid, she’s divorced with children. They don’t allow her to receive communion on her own. An elder has to bring it. They encourage women not to leave abusive relationships. Fundamentalism and patriarchy fuel abuse.
They don’t tell women what abuse looks like. But if they go to their pastor and explain an abusive situation. They tell women frequently, you just need to submit more. You need to pray quietly, have a meek, quiet, submissive spirit.
Pray for your husband, God will get hold of him. Just lavish him, lavish him with love, affection, and that will make him adore you. It will encourage him to treat you in a Christlike manner. I’ve heard that more times than I can count.
Parent-Child Dynamics In Marriage
Emily: They don’t allow women to confront their husband. They don’t allow women to have an adult to adult relationship, but there’s this parent-child one. Since the husband has this authority position over his wife, he has power and control over her. And so, they don’t have this equal, let’s talk as adults. I can call you out. You can call me out. You don’t see that in these patriarchal worlds.
Anne: That’s fertile ground for abuse in those cases. Because women think they’re following God by submitting to many times just flat out wickedness. Fundamentalism and patriarchy fuel abuse. And that is really hard, especially in situations where a man uses pornography, and maybe she’s not aware of it. Or he’s soliciting prostitutes, or he has some wicked behavior that she’s not aware of, and she’s submitting to his desires or other things.
She might not even know she’s submitting to wickedness. Women should know they’re not required to submit to wickedness. In fact, God wants you to turn away from that. For women who find themselves in this fog of abuse, and they’re not quite able to see what’s going on.
Emily: I’ve seen a few dynamics at play. First, I call fundamentalism the gumball gospel. So you put a quarter in and you get a gumball out. And so it’s very predictable, and there is a false sense of security in that promised predictability.
Fundamentalism And Patriarchy Fuel Abuse: Promises Of Happiness & Security
Emily: They tell you that if you follow all the rules, this will happen. If you follow all the courtship and purity rules, you will have a fantastic marriage that doesn’t have any conflict. And you’ll have an amazing life. Your husband will never cheat on you. They tell you that if you follow all these rules, you’ll receive financial blessings. Your children will grow up as devout followers of Christ. And they will not fall away, as some would say.
There are a lot of promises of happiness, and everything turning out right. You know, happy, fulfilling marriages and not having any struggles. And that goes completely against scripture, in which Jesus was clear. We live in a broken world. We will experience, you’re going to experience pain, hardship, and brokenness is all around you. We’re supposed to keep our eyes focused on Him, and realize this world is our temporary home.
We’re supposed to keep our eyes on our future home, and realize that is where we’re going to experience the perfection of God. It’s not going to be here. And just because you’re experiencing pain here on this earth, it does not mean you’re not following God. Or you made God upset with you. It’s a toxic lie that I’ve seen told again and again. Fundamentalism and patriarchy fuel abuse.
Anne: And I think when it doesn’t work out like that, women feel betrayed by religion, right? They feel betrayed because they’re like, I did everything I should do. And in fact, I married a “godly man.” He checked all the boxes. And you told me if I did that, that I would have a peaceful, happy marriage. Instead, I’m abused. So explain to me how this works.
Betrayal By Religion
Anne: Wouldn’t it have been more useful for you to educate me about abuse? But since they don’t understand abuse, they can’t educate people about it. Fundamentalism and patriarchy fuel abuse.
Emily: It’s very, very sad. Abusers love it because it is a golden ticket for them to abuse all they want. And have power, authority and control over their victims all they want, and do it in the name of God. This is what I think blasphemy looks like, not just, you know, saying God’s name when you stub your toe. Anyway, side note. I’ve seen women confess they consider it a lack of responsibility.
So I’ve heard women say, I love it, because if something goes wrong in the family, it’s not my fault. It’s my husband’s fault. He’s the leader. And he messed up.
Anne: Hmm.
Emily: Yeah.
Anne: That’s interesting. I’ve never been that type of person. It might feel like safety to them. I think many women just feel like they can’t get what they want. And instead of them maybe going to law school, they’re like, Oh, I will marry an attorney. And I want to tell women the life you want, you can build for yourself. You can do what you want. You don’t need to find someone else to do it for you. And it’s a long process, and it’s a lot of hard work, but you are worth it.
The cool thing is, you’re the one that you can rely on, right? You can depend on yourself and show up for yourself, which is important. I think that’s what God wants for his daughters.
Deconstructing Fundamentalism
Anne: What do you think God has to say about fundamentalism and patriarchy?
Emily: As I began my, what I call deconstruction process. I didn’t deconstruct from Christianity, but deconstructed from fundamentalism. Realizing what Jesus looked like, what his character looked like. Not depending on what I have been taught all these years about what the Bible says about X, Y and Z. When I study the scriptures, I read them through the lens of the heart of Jesus.
When I started counseling, I joined a Bible study, and we were in the book of John. It was the best book I could have read. I started with it, because I think John gets to the heart and character of Jesus better than others.
And you see his tender care toward women. And how he broke these social norms again and again, whether it was his conversation with the Samaritan woman and his graciousness and kindness toward her, he did not shame her. He saw her as a victim, and he had such a love for her. And he empowered her as the first evangelist. He told her first that he was the Messiah. Then he told her to go and tell the town.
He didn’t shame her for the circumstances she was living in, but he actually gave her respect and honor by speaking to her. And we see this with the women who accompanied him in his ministry on earth. We see his respect again and again.
And so I encourage women to keep that in mind when you read scriptures. And realize that nowhere do we see Jesus encouraging one human to have power and control over another. That’s what fundamentalism teaches. Fundamentalism and patriarchy fuel abuse.
Fundamentalism And Patriarchy Fuel Abuse Not Love
Emily: We don’t see it in Genesis either. When God created Adam and Eve, he gave them dominion over the earth together. We don’t see that he gave any kind of authority one human over another. So I don’t believe that was ever part of his plan. So whether it’s in Genesis or seeing God’s provision for women through the Old Testament. Society downcast, shunned and abused them. We see his provision for them in the Old Testament.
Then we see his actual personal interaction with women in the New Testament. And then we see the beginnings of the early church, and we see how women had positions in the early church of ministry. It’s like again and again, I look through these verses that fundamentalists want to pick out, that seem to support patriarchy. Fundamentalism and patriarchy fuel abuse, not love.
And I say, let’s look at that through the whole picture. Let’s look at that through the whole lens and really see does God really encourage patriarchy over women? And I, I just don’t see it happening.
Anne: God loves us, loves us, and wants us to have peace. The point of righteousness, the point of being healthy for my listening friends who perhaps aren’t religious. So let’s just maybe call it the point of being healthy. Emotionally healthy is to have peace to bring happiness and joy into our lives. That’s the whole point. But when someone abuses you, you can’t feel that. No matter how healthy you are, because you’re constantly experiencing someone else’s bad choices.
And we all know that’s miserable. God wants us to be able to benefit from our own healthy and righteous choices.
Realizing The Suffering From Spiritual Abuse
Emily: Yes, and though he said we would endure pain, I believe he has so many good gifts for us here to enjoy. And I believe he cares about his daughters and the safety of his daughters. And he would never want his daughters to be submitting to abuse in the name of God.
Anne: Yeah, I think when women do that, they also feel perhaps control, right? Maybe if I do submit, my life will be good and things will turn out okay. Not knowing there’s no end to abuse. So as you submit to abuse, the abuser just gets what they want, and they continue to say, oh, this worked, so I can continue doing this. So submitting doesn’t solve the problem of abuse, right? Fundamentalism and patriarchy fuel abuse.
For women who are beginning to deconstruct their personal experiences and realize that they also suffered from spiritual abuse. That part of the reason why they were in so much fog is because it wasn’t just their husband. It was also the system of misogyny. One of the things that abusive men have stolen from women is their faith. So many women have experienced all this abuse. And so, just even talking about scripture or even attending a service or something is so traumatic.
So, for women who listen, who become traumatized by even the thought of reading scripture. Our hearts go out to you. And I want to leave a space for you if you’ve chosen to step away from your faith because of your trauma. We honor that here, knowing that’s a difficult situation. So for women in that situation, do you have comfort for them that perhaps where they are is fine, and God loves them anyway?
Finding A Safe Community
Anne: Or some, some type of comfort that you might offer women who have lost their faith due to abuse?
Emily: Yes, I agree. It’s okay to take a step back, whether that’s taking a step back from church. Because you’ve been in abusive churches your whole life, and instead you choose to find safe community elsewhere. I’ve stepped away from church for a few years, deconstruction, and eventually found a place that I have found safe so far. And resisted because fundamentalism and patriarchy fuel abuse. That can be pretty uncommon.
And so if you need to take a step back, there is safe community elsewhere. You can find healing in safe relationships outside the church. I dig into scripture because I had scripture used as a weapon against me. And I wanted to know what it really said. But there are books of the Bible that I have not opened in the past six years. Through my deconstruction process, from experiencing fundamentalism and patriarchy fuel abuse. Because they’re just too triggering.
And certain passages of scripture that I can’t do. I think God understands that, and I think he speaks to me in other ways. So whether you’re taking a step back only on certain things or just entirely, I think there’s so much healing in safe relationships. If you want to continue to pray, I think you can do that anywhere, and God sees your pain.
He sees the abuse you’ve been through, he’s weeping for you because of all the abuse you’ve been through. And I think he wants to heal that, but I think he also understands that space is sometimes needed. You need to step away from organized religion for a while to heal sometimes to find the heart of God.
Fundamentalism and Patriarchy Fuel Abuse: Victims Are Welcome At BTR.ORG
Anne: Yeah, and I’m so grateful for Betrayal Trauma Recovery. We’re interfaith. I am an active, devout member of my faith, attend church, read scriptures and stuff like that. But I respect all women for where they are. I want them to know that they’re welcome here. I’m so grateful for those of you who maybe aren’t of any faith or maybe there are atheists listening.
And I just want to thank you for giving us a space to share our experience in our way and define what that is. It is meant for us. Everyone is welcome here. I’m so grateful that BTR.ORG is such a robust community of women who all agree about abuse and need to support each other. Some know that fundamentalism and patriarchy fuel abuse. It’s a strong community in that way. And so thank you so much for coming on today’s episode.
Emily: Thank you. It’s been amazing. It’s been wonderful to meet you. Thank you for the opportunity.
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