In the face of emotional and psychological abuse, women often carry the burden of being the peacemaker. But what does Jesus say about abuse?
Matthew 5:25 is often quoted to manipulate women. But here’s what Jesus is really saying.
To see if you’re experiencing any one of the 19 different types of emotional abuse, take our free emotional abuse quiz.
What Does The Bible Say About People Who Are Abused?
Let’s take Matthew 5:25 – What does Jesus say about abuse? Jesus says, “Agree with thine adversary quickly, whiles thou art in the way with him; lest at any time the adversary deliver thee to the judge, and the judge deliver thee to the officer, and thou be cast into prison.”
If your husband is emotionally and psychologically abusive, rather than engage with the abuser, you can quickly and passively agree (if it’s safe to do so). Anne shares an example on the podcast:
“You can be a peacemaker and you can be safe with the strategy of agreement. Here are some examples. Let’s say your husband says something like, ‘Well, you don’t respect me and you never listen to me.’
Rather than diving into an argument or pulling out all the times where you did listen to him and how you do respect him, because you always ask his opinion before you spend more than $50 and all the reasons why you are a good person. You can say, ‘oh, that’s interesting; I haven’t thought of that.‘”
How To Agree With The Abuser 101
Best practice is to appear disinterested and apathetic. The abuser wants to create chaos. We want you to create distance between yourself and the abuse so that you can create safety for yourself. Here are some phrases (along with a disinterested, apathetic impression) to use when you’re “agreeing quickly” with the abuser:
- Huh, that’s interesting. I’ll look into it.
- I hadn’t really given that much thought – thanks.
- That may be true.
- Fair enough.
- Very interesting. I appreciate your thought.
- I will definitely give that more thought.
- That may be valid.
- All opinions are generally worth consideration.
- I will consider that.
- Yeah, you may be right.
Apathetic Agreement Quashes Chaotic Arguments
Your apathetic, disinterested “agreement” is a great way to quash his attempts at arguing with you.
The word salad, gaslighting, intimidation, and other abusive tactics that come up when abusers “argue” with victims can be extremely damaging. A quick, apathetic agreement is a great way to “douse the fire” and create an opportunity for you to get a safe distance from the abuser.
“I’m not mad or upset; there’s no fight. They love a fight, and they also love it when you do what they want. So they’re trying to manipulate you into doing what they want you to do. But if you’re not going to do that, then they will enjoy the chaos of an argument.”
Anne Blythe, founder of BTR.ORG
BTR.ORG Is Here For You
The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Living Free Workshop has many more of these strategies. You don’t have to do this alone. Consider attending a BTR.ORG Group Session today.
Transcript: What Does Jesus Say About Abuse?
Anne: It’s just me today. Even though this podcast is interfaith and interparadigm, many of you who listen are Christian. If you are not Christian, this episode will still help you, and these principles will apply. Yes, it is what does Jesus say about abuse, but it’s also one of the strategies from the Living Free Workshop, and I’m going to go into detail about it. In the Living Free Workshop, it is all secular. It’s just the strategies themselves, without any background information about how I discovered it.
So what does Jesus say about abuse? What does the Bible say about divorce?We’re going to look at some scriptures that abusers have used to spiritually abuse victims, so that they can exploit them. The first one is Matthew 5:25. It’s part of the Sermon on the Mount. And Jesus says, “Agree with thine adversary quickly, whiles thou are in the way with him; lest at any time the adversary deliver thee unto the judge, and the judge deliver thee to the officer, and thou be cast into prison.”
In the scripture, he’s talking about someone who wants to do you harm. They want to imprison you. When it comes to abusers, they want to oppress you, and they’re going to say things to manipulate you. So Jesus says we should agree quickly with our adversary, and this is the best way to deal with a dangerous person in a strategic way. So here’s an example of agreeing quickly with an adversary, and how it can protect you.
Real-Life Example: Singles Event
Anne: I was at a singles event and there was a man who wanted me to talk to him. I was not into it because he was like, 30 years older than me, and no.
And as I was like, brushing him off, he said, “You really push men away. Men aren’t going to like that.” And I remembered what Jesus said about agreeing quickly with my adversary. So I said, “Yeah. cool.” Basically, like, yeah, I do push men away, great. Instead of doing what he wanted me to do, which was stop and say, oh, of course I don’t want to push men away, I will talk to you because I’m polite. I was like, yeah, I push men away, mission accomplished.
What Does Jesus Say About Abuse? Applying the Strategy in Marriage
Anne: When it’s a husband, he’s going to say things like, you don’t care. You don’t love me, you won’t meet my needs, you don’t respect me. You don’t respect me is the most common abuser statement there is. Instead of trying to prove that you do respect him, or explain to him why you don’t respect him. Think about this strategy that Christ taught us. Jesus says about abusers to Agree quickly with an adversary.
You could say, oh yeah, maybe I don’t. And then you always need to follow up with an exit strategy. That’s the quickly part. You agree immediately, and then exit. So with the man at the singles event, I said, “Oh yeah, I do push men away, cool.” And I walked off. With your husband, the quickly part would be like, I have to fold the laundry. We can talk about it later. And the strategic thing. Don’t ever talk about it later. Don’t bring it up.
In the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus says, “Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called the children of God.” Now, it’s impossible to have peace when someone is trying to oppress you and they are legit trying to distress you. That is their goal. They’re going to cause problems no matter what. So Jesus says, one strategic way to protect ourselves is to agree with them. Do it with an apathetic, disinterested stance toward them.
Abusers want one of two things. They either want to exploit us, so they want us to do what they want, to our detriment. And if they can’t get that, a juicy fight will do. They enjoy our distress.
Strategic Responses to Manipulation
Anne: So when we won’t do what they want, we also don’t engage in an argument or conversation about it. And give them the impression that they can’t get our attention. That’s one way to protect ourselves. With the man at the singles event, after I said what I said, I walked off in peace, happily.
So here are some examples with your husband. Let’s say your husband says something like, you don’t respect me and you never listen to me. Again, rather than proving to him how you do listen to him saying things like, what are you talking about? I always ask your opinion before I spend more than $50. What are you talking about? I double checked with you before I did this thing, instead of doing that. A Jesus approved strategic response might be something like, huh, I hadn’t thought about that.
Oh, I told Betsy that I’d go visit her. I’ve got to go to the neighbor’s. I’ll be back in about an hour. A distracted, I’m busy doing something else is the strategic way to separate yourself from that type of emotional and psychological abuse. Because remember he wants the chaos. He wants to drum it up.
So here’s another example of how to set boundaries with your husband. Let’s say he uses your own values to trap you into exploiting you. He might say, if you cared about our family, you would, and then state the thing he’s trying to manipulate you to do. Here is the agree with an adversary quickly version of a response. That’s something for me to think about. I’m going to go wash the car. I’ll be back when I’m done with my errands. Can I pick anything up for you at the store while I’m out?
Living with an Abuser: What Does Jesus Say About Abuse? Fireproof Suit
Anne: No matter what, they are on fire, and you can’t do anything to put the fire out, unfortunately. But this is to protect yourself as much as possible. If you’re living with the abuser, this is like putting on a fireproof suit. Now, I found that not being able to just be myself felt very suffocating and exhausting, and I did not want to live with a fireproof suit on all the time. So I ended up escalating my boundaries. The Bible also says a lot about boundaries in marriage.
Some of you might feel that wearing this fireproof suit is your safest option. Whatever you choose is the right thing for you. But this strategy can be applied whether you’re married and still living in the home. Or separating or divorced with any type of unsafe person when they’re trying to get power over you. It’s a good strategy to use to protect yourself. Jesus says about abusers to agree quickly with our adversary, or to be a peacemaker for our own safety. It’s not to benefit him whatsoever.
You don’t have to actually agree with him to agree with an adversary. This, oh, I need to think about that, hmm, you have a point. Will give you enough space to determine what level of safety you actually have. Then you can evolve and try again, just like the Living Free Strategies teach.
Living Free Workshop Principles
Anne: Those who have enrolled in the Living Free Workshop will know exactly what I’m talking about, because this is one of the principles in there. Again, in the Living Free Workshop itself, I don’t teach this with scriptures. It’s in a completely secular context. There is like an appendix at the back, if you’re interested in my personal scripture study and where I came up with some of these strategies based on what Jesus said about abuse.
I wanted to hit on that strategy. I’d love to know what you think about it. You can scroll to the bottom, I’d love to hear your comments. Let me know what you think.
Thank-you for sharing this, Ann. It really resonates with me. I am a Christ Follower/Christian, and I have to keep reminding myself that I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me. Philippians 4:13.
I have actually experienced , in my own life, on more than one occasion,what your story teaches…….let go and let God! It’s true! Once I finally reach the point where I cry out, “God, I can’t take this anymore,” that peace that passes all understanding begins to wash over my soul.
One of my favorite hymns is “Be Still my Soul.” It begins with these words; “Be Still my Soul, the Lord is on your side….” Perhaps you know this hymn. If not, I urge you to Google it; the lyrics are so amazingly comforting.
A sister in Christ,
Patty
Explains my week.. and it resonates it with being good shepherd week (Oh How He runs after us!)
I’m so glad it was helpful to you!
Thank you Anne for sharing this. It helped me to realize that I need to remember to relax and know that the healing will come. God is giving me everything I need, I love the part about floating and relaxing and not pushing God away with all my thrashing. Thank you so much for that. I’m learning how to relax again. I’ve gotten my guitar out and begun to play again. I’m remembering there were things I liked to do. I’m getting creative again. I’m remaking my life with the things that make me me! It’s a process and I’m Grateful for it. Some things you can see in no other way. I may not have realized how much of myself I lost over the years of dealing with his addiction had it not all come to a screeching halt. I’m Grateful for the lessons I have learned and the Truth I now see. It’s a difficult journey. He is 3 months sober today but still out of the house going on 6 months now. I’m not willing to go back to the life we had or anything resembling it. Recovery is possible and I’m holding out for a life of recovery that I’ll live with or without him.
Ellen, I’m so glad you found us, and that the podcast was helpful. Hugs!
thanks
This makes sense. I used these before once and they did work. But then got stuck in the neg cycle again. I finally got out and have a final court case next week. I my favor though.
Thank you I have found my group BTR is the first group I found that not pushing me to stay in the relationship with my emotionally abusive, “addicted” husband, and I appreciate it so very much. Everywhere else, especially with religious people, it feels like they just want you to stay no matter how bad it is, like your job is just to endure the abuse and be quiet about it. Thanks ladies I have found my people your group.
My head goes round in circles….waiting for separation minute before moving house..you don’t respect me absolutely what he said all the time along with I being the most selfish person he’s ever known. Then can’t understand if I love Jesus why I won’t go for reconciliation. 27 years of verbal emotional physical sexual and now spiritual abuse and manipulation. He insists ‘our’ problems can be fixed.
I have never ever known such confusion doubt and pain.
Hi great comeback examples. Yet, how do I share the comebacks were used in our relationship and felt manipulative by the (recent) ex. He grew up in an alcoholic family and had these techniques down! Comments were used by him to avoid any confrontation/subject not of his choosing. Control? He had his own alcohol use through the years, covered and lied to me. With my distancing, he finally filed for divorce. No one talks about what Jesus says about abuse. Like turning the other cheek doesn’t mean letting someone keep hurting you over and over. Jesus stood up to toxic people too, and I just feel like that gets so overlooked. It’s hard to figure where grace ends and protecting yourself begins..
I would just consider “Render unto Caesar the things which are Caesar’s” so to speak, and consider speaking his language when it comes to abusers.
Sorry in advance for the long comment, but your video really hit a nerve. My husband does this to me. When I tried to talk to him about the relationship, or talk to him about ways he hurt me, he would just give a dismissive kind-of agreement without substance, without care, and then say he had something else to do. It left me chasing him for so many years, trying to connect about anything. He said he wanted to talk about it later, but later never came. He would say things and do things that hurt me, lie to me, gets caught with porn again, and then when I try to talk about it calmly, he just acts like it didn’t matter to him. He’d say exactly “I hadn’t thought of it that way.” And then he would always have something important to do. I would always drop whatever I was doing when he needed something, but if I needed something he’d avoid it. If I said we needed to talk about the budget, he’d say I needed to be more grateful. If I said it hurt me to be interrupted repeatedly in the middle of a sentence he’d say I was focusing on the negative. If I said it felt like he isn’t listening to me when he stands up in the middle of what I’m saying to go watch TV, he would say I should think of it from his perspective about multitasking. One time I said ‘are you treating me right now the way you would want me to treat you?” he just rolled his eyes and walked away. If I was crying and hurt because he broke a promise, he says I’m not allowing him to sleep and he needs his sleep and I’m not respecting his boundary around sleep. If I tell him I respect his boundaries and he’s welcome to do whatever he wants and I’m not going to stop him from but I still feel hurt by what he did and I’m going to be up crying, he says I’m being detached and cold toward him for saying ‘do whatever you want I”m not going to stop you”. …. But, after watching this video about how to respond to an abuser, I’m wondering, maybe he’s just doing this to me because I’m the abuser? I often worry I’m abusing him. He has said I’m too critical, too negative, and that my emotional reactions to him are ‘too intense.’ But he doesn’t want to talk about *why* i’m reacting so emotionally. He says that if he tells me “I need to take a break from this conversation” it’s because he needs a break and that’s a reasonable thing to ask, but if I say “I need to take a break” to him then I’m ‘using his words against him.’ It’s very confusing and I’m trying very hard to figure out what I need to do so he doesn’t feel criticized by me. But, maybe he’s just treating me like this because I’m abusing him and I don’t realize how scary my tone of voice can sound to others? My personal therapist doesn’t think I’m being abusive, and our couples counselor keeps asking me if I think he is capable of change, but I often wonder if maybe there’s a way I can change so that he doesn’t feel I’m attacking him. Maybe he’s just using this technique that you’re suggesting because I’m abusing him and if I can stop abusing him then things will be better? Tl;dr: If he’s using this “slightly-agree-and-escape” technique on me, does that mean I’m abusive? It feels awful but I’m wondering if maybe I deserve it.
It’s really common due to all the emotional and psychological abuse for abuse victims to think the may be an abuser. But accusing you of abuse when he’s abusing you IS abuse. The Living Free Workshop outlines exactly how to know and what to do. You can learn more here.
What if I can’t use this tactic because if I DO than he uses those words and actions against me in court as not communicating and therefore uses it as “proof” to justify his actions against me.
That’s exactly why the strategies in the Living Free Workshop work. Click here to learn more.
This strategy, and all the others I’ve learned about in the BTR workshops, are a complete God-send! I’m so grateful for the work done at BTR. I have dodged SO MANY chaotic situations with my ex because of the incredibly valuable insight provided by BTR. I wish more women knew about it.
These strategies work when the man is not violent. How do you respond when the man violently kicks you in your sleep or elbows you in the ribs causing displacement because you did not engage in his rage??
These strategies work no matter what the situation, but if you’re experiencing physical violence the strategy needs to be paired with reporting the assault to your local law enforcement and seeking services from your local domestic violence services.