Many women turn to clergy to ask, “Should you stay married after infidelity?” If you’ve been looking to God or clergy for answers (or even friends and family), here’s the truth no one will say out loud. The shocking truth might be that you’re also experiencing emotional abuse. Take our free emotional abuse quiz to find out.

If you need live support, attend a Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Session today.

Transcript: Should You Stay Married After Infidelity?

Anne: Women go to clergy, they go to therapists, they go to their family to ask the question, “Should you stay married after infidelity?” Sometimes they just ask Google, even if you’re not religious, this episode will still help you. However, I totally understand. If you are not in the mood to hear a parable from the Bible. Even though I am telling a parable from the Bible today, I invite you if you’re atheist or agnostic to stick around to listen to the principles that I’m gonna talk about.

The principles will apply regardless of your paradigm or faith, whether you’re religious, or what religion you practice. At Betrayal Trauma Recovery, everyone is welcome. I share from my own faith perspective, because this is how I’ve learned so many principles. But I think the principles are universal truths that apply in any situation. And I do not want to proselyte or convert anybody to Christianity. You are welcome here as you are.

What is the shocking truth about infidelity that no one wants to talk about? It is that infidelity is emotional and psychological abuse. So when it comes to deciding if you should stay married, there are some universal principles that I learned by studying Christ’s parables. And this parable is in Luke 18.

I use the King James version of the Bible. I find it a little more vague than some newer translations. The vagueness helps me pray, concentrate, and interpret it the way I think God would want me to interpret it right now in our time.

The Unjust Judge

Anne: The parable of the unjust judge is interesting, because I think Jesus would like people in authority, so clergy or the court system, to help victims of abuse. It’s specifically about a widow. Whenever I read about widows in the scriptures, I, of course, because of the podcast and because of what I do, envision abuse widows. Or women who are widows through no fault of their own.

Their husband or ex-husband might still be alive, but they are left alone, and they are unprotected and not provided for by their husbands. In essence, they have been abandoned even if their husband or ex-husband is still alive. In ancient times, women did not have the ability to make money. They were essentially enslaved to their husbands, and if they did make money, their husbands could take it.

If they got divorced, their husbands would take their children, and they had no rights. They were considered the property of their husbands. It’s interesting to me that Jesus is so concerned with widows and women. Luke 18 starts with, “And he spake a parable unto them to this end, that men ought always to pray and not to faint.”

Now, I interpret that to mean stay close to the spirit and the not faint part to confront evil or wrongdoing. And actually do something about it, to take action to relieve suffering. In verse 2, it says, “Saying, There was in the city a judge, which feared not God.

The Judge’s Indifference

Anne: So this is not a judge concerned about right and wrong. He’s not a judge worried about it. And then it says, “neither regarded man:” meaning he also didn’t care about people. He was just a jerk. This is not a good person. He’s not concerned with women. He’s not concerned with justice. Who knows why he’s a judge, but this judge is unjust.

Verse 3, “And there was a widow in that city; and she came unto him, saying, Avenge me of mine adversary.” Now, let’s take this to mean the person who made her a widow. And in our case, the person who made us a widow would be our husband or ex-husband. We have been rendered protector less or provider less due to his actions. Emotionally, psychologically, financially, our husbands have essentially abandoned and oppressed us.

So she wants help. She’s going to this judge and saying, I need help. Not just avenge me of my adversary. But, most likely, help me. I need help, I need financial help. And maybe need help with my children. My husband is abusing or persecuting me. I need help. Please help me.

Verse 4 “And he [meaning the judge] would not for a while: but afterward he said within himself, Though I fear not God, nor regard man; Verse 5 “Yet, because this widow troubleth me, I will avenge her, lest by her continual coming she weary me.” So essentially, this judge is like, I don’t want to do anything. She’s driving me crazy. But she keeps coming back to bother me. Why does she keep coming back? I don’t know, but she’s going to keep coming back. And I don’t care about her.

Staying Married After Infidelity: Jesus’ Commentary

Anne: The judge doesn’t care about anybody else. And I don’t care if people oppress her, if she’s got financial problems or if she’s suffering. All he’s worried about is himself. I don’t want to deal with this.

Verse 6, Jesus says about abuse, “Hear what the unjust judge saith.” So he makes a point again to say, this guy is unjust. The thing he’s going to say right now is the wrong thing to do. Had he said, The Lord saith, hear what the repentant judge saith, or the judge who had a change of heart. Or he realized through this experience that he was a bad dude and wanted to change. No, no, no, he’s still unjust.

Now I want you to think in your mind as you listen, what do you think he’s going to say? Do you think he’s going to say, Hey, you’re the one at fault? You pushed him away. You caused him problems. The fact that you’re a widow is your own darn fault. I just want you to think in your mind. Should you stay married after infidelity? Who will help you decide? I’m going to let you think for a minute about what you think that unjust judge might say. All right.

The Unjust Judge’s Response

Anne: Verse 7, this is what Jesus says the unjust judge said. He looks this widow in the eye, and he says to her, “And shall not God avenge his own elect, which cry day and night unto him, though he bear long with them?” So he looks at her, and he says, Hey, isn’t God supposed to help you? Aren’t you supposed to pray, and then God will come to your aid?

And then this unjust judge continues, and he says in verse 8, “I tell you that he will avenge them speedily.” Is that true? I’m going to talk about that in just a minute. “Nevertheless when the Son of man cometh, shall he find faith on the earth?” So he’s looking at this woman and he’s saying, Isn’t God supposed to help people who cry to him day and night? Isn’t God supposed to come to your aid? God’s supposed to do that. He should help you.

And then that’s the end of the parable. That’s it. And in verse 9, it reads, “And he spake this parable unto certain which trusted in themselves that they were righteous, and despised others:” So he’s telling this parable to people who think they’re righteous, but don’t care about anybody else. That answer that this unjust judge gives. It’s actually true. Will others help?

God’s Role In Justice

Anne: God does hear our prayers. He does care about us, and I think he will avenge us, if not in this life, in the next life, for sure. So why is Jesus saying this is what the unjust judge says? Why is Christ using this as an example of what an unrighteous person, who doesn’t care, someone who thinks really highly of themselves as righteous. That they’re not actually righteous, who does not have charity, right?

Someone who despises others is someone who doesn’t have godly love for someone else. This unjust judge had the ability to actually physically reduce this woman’s suffering. He had the ability to do something about her situation, and bring the person who caused her to be a widow to justice. Maybe he could have thrown the guy in jail or maybe he could have required him to pay her.

Maybe he could have required other things that would have physically and emotionally reduced her suffering. But he didn’t do that. Instead of helping her in any way, shape, or form, he just sat there and said, Oh, just pray to God. God will help you. So he essentially refused to do anything about it.

Now, in many of our faith traditions, we’ve heard that other people are the answer to our prayers. So we pray and we ask Heavenly Father for help, and we do receive help. But God himself doesn’t come out of the sky in general, and assist somebody.

Staying Married After Infidelity: Personal Experience With Abuse

Anne: I remember one time when I got down on my knees when my ex was arrested, and I did not know what to do. And I called the domestic violence shelter. Now my abuse was mostly emotional and psychological abuse, and that is what Betrayal Trauma Recovery is about. In this instance, he pushed back my fingers, and I went to the doctor. And the doctor called the cops, and they arrested him and gave him a temporary no contact order, which is like a protective order.

But I don’t want you to get the impression that my ex was extremely physically violent per se, like that I noticed. He would punch walls so he was physically violent, but it was not something that I was aware of. Like I didn’t know that punching walls was physical abuse. I didn’t comprehend it. But in terms of like punching me in the face or being overtly like that, that was not the case.

What I knew about was how his infidelity in the form of explicit content use and masturbation. He had been in addiction recovery for years. I didn’t know he was physically abusive, actually. In the technical definition, he was also emotionally and psychologically abusive because of his infidelity. So the third time he physically actually touched me in a scary way was that time. And I went to the doctor and told the doctor, who called the police.

The Court’s Intervention

Anne: So that being said, it was about a week or two. I can’t remember exactly after his arrest, and there was the court date coming up. And I was the victim, and I didn’t know if I should go to court or not. I had no idea. And I didn’t get hold of the victim advocate. I was overwhelmed at that point, I didn’t want my marriage to end.

I hoped he would understand what had happened. And that this would help him get what was going on, and that it would spur change for him. So I got down on my knees and I prayed. I just said, I don’t know what to do. Please, please help me. I’m going to give this to you. I was kneeling and I had my head bowed. And when I looked up the phone rang. And it was the victim advocate from the domestic violence shelter, and I said, the hearing …

I forgot one important part of the story. Sorry, the hearing was like in an hour, so it wasn’t like I had a ton of time to figure out, should I go to the hearing? Should I not go to the hearing? I didn’t want to go because I was terrified of him, but I also didn’t want myself to be the person to cause something bad to happen to him. But I didn’t want him to come back into the house, because I was terrified. I didn’t want to see him.

It was really, really close to when the hearing was supposed to be, anyway. So she called and I said, I don’t know what to do. The hearing is at three. Should I go? Should I not go?

He Pled Guilty

Anne: I don’t want my marriage to end, so I don’t know what I’m supposed to say, but I’m terrified and I don’t want him to come back yet. He hasn’t shown any signs of changing. She said, well, I’ll go for you. I will present the facts. She confirmed the facts.

I said, yes. And she went. Then he ended up later having to plead guilty. I got a longer protective order, and he did a plea in abeyance, which means he didn’t have to go to jail, but he had probation for 14 months. And that whole 14 months, he had a protective order where he could not come near me. Which I really needed to get emotional and psychological space to see what was going on.

That judge did something. That particular judge took action and said to him, you can’t be around her, you can’t call her, you can’t go in the house, and when you want to get your stuff, you will have to have the police there. And then someone else that she deems her representative in the home before you can go in the home. He actually did something.

When I went to clergy, they didn’t say, pray, God will help you. Most of the time, they just told me I needed to love, serve and stuff like that. They could have actually helped me in my particular faith. They could have told him, you can’t have a volunteer position. You’re not able to participate in ordinances. They could have told him, you cannot do this. More and more as women talk to clergy, they hear there’s nothing I can do. And it’s just not true. There are things that people can do.

Staying Married After Infidelity Tools From The Living Free Workshop

Anne: If you’ve enrolled in The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Living Free Workshop, you’ll know that this is not strategic and can be dangerous for you. Living Free will teach you safety strategies. If you go to clergy and tell them, the most likely thing is that the clergy will be concerned and they’ll call him into their office. And then he will groom and manipulate them. Because just like you didn’t understand that your husband or ex husband was abusive, the clergy doesn’t either.

And so it’s very easy for clergy, therapists, family, friends to be manipulated by this type of abuser. And then you’re not only being abused by your abuser, but also clergy or friends or family who are also putting pressure on you. So that he can continue to exploit you.

This is not to say your clergy is unjust, like the judge in the parable. In our day, he might just be uneducated, because he doesn’t understand abuse dynamics. And that will make it dangerous for you. To learn more about these strategies, go to this link. Strategically, it’s not the best idea to try to go to your clergy to see if they can help you get your husband to repent. That’s not the best way to go.

In the case of the parable of the unjust judge, Jesus is telling judges, hey, don’t look a widow in the face and refuse to do anything to actually help her. Don’t just look at her and say, hey, God will help you, just pray.

Jesus’ Message To Judges

Anne: You are there to help her. I am God, I am Jesus. And I am telling you, you are the one that needs to help her. You are the one that needs to reduce this suffering. You can do it through giving her food, helping her pay her house payment. And you can do it by telling this abuser that he’s not allowed to come to church right now because he’s abusive. That would also tip the abuser off and start the grooming. So strategically, that’s a little dangerous.

But just judges are people who actually help reduce the suffering by helping. I’m going to say avenge here for a minute, but in this case, I think what it means is reducing that suffering, some type of justice. Not just for something in the past that happened. The widow in the parable of the unjust judge, I don’t know what her problems are exactly. But she’s having these ongoing problems, which is why she’s going for help.

If this was just in the past, and she was okay, and she had food to eat and a roof over her head. I don’t think she would be going to someone for help. There’s a reason why she’s going to this judge. She needs help. He doesn’t help her. And now I’m going to ironically talk about a loving God who loves us and will actually help us. Maybe not through that particular judge, but there will be people who can help.

Betrayal Trauma Recovery As An Answer To Prayers

Anne: Betrayal Trauma Recovery is often an answer to women’s prayers. That sounds ridiculous, but frequently women tell me they didn’t know what to do. They didn’t know where to go. They prayed, and then they searched online and found us. And they knew that finding Betrayal Trauma Recovery was an answer to their prayers. They were searching for answers about staying in marriage after infidelity?

But they didn’t realize that infidelity is emotional and psychological abuse.

They didn’t realize they were emotionally and psychologically abused. And once they recognized what infidelity actually meant. Then they could start making decisions about staying married after infidelity. Or whether they wanted to do something different.

At Betrayal Trauma Recovery, we educate people. We provide Group Sessions and other services. God can help us through other people, through giving us knowledge, through giving us skills. But just like with the Israelites, when Moses came to deliver them. They had to actually pack up their bags and walk out of there. Once he parted the Red Sea, they had to walk across it. And that must have been very difficult. And then they had to wander around in the wilderness.

So they had a miracle in being delivered, but the deliverance was rough for a long time. And I bet God is upset with that judge. Because he was in the position to help her, and he didn’t.

The Importance Of Asking

Anne: In Luke 11:9-13, I’m changing the pronouns, so it hits home for us. “And I say unto you, Ask and it shall be given you, seek, and ye shall find; knock and it shall be opened unto you. For every [woman] that asketh, receiveth; and [she] that seeketh findeth; and to [her] that knocketh it shall be opened. If a [daughter] shall ask bread of any of you that is a [mother], will [she] give [her] a stone?”

“Or if [she] ask a fish, will [she], for a fish, give [her] a serpent? Or if [she] shall ask an egg, will [she] offer [her] a scorpion? If ye then, [and he says evil, but I’m going to say human]. If ye then being [human] know how to give good gifts unto your children: how much more shall your heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to them that ask him?”

And then he talks about casting out a devil in the next verse 14 and he was casting out a devil. They’re right next to each other. If you ask God for help, He wants to give you a fish, not a stone. I know it feels like He wants to give you rocks. Because I felt like that for a long time. I felt like I was praying and getting rocks.

That I was going in for help from clergy. They were supposed to be the people who could give out justice. Even my experience with the court system was horrific. But God did come through. There might be evil people around you that are like batting the fish away. God’s trying to give you fish? Heck no, she doesn’t deserve fish, and they’re batting it away.

Receiving God’s Help

Anne: Then in the next verse, 14, he was casting out devils. So consider, God is trying to help me, I need some space from this person who is batting these fish away. So I can receive what God wants to give me. God wants to give me peace. And you need enough space so that devil, essentially, that wicked person, can’t bat the fish away. So if you’re praying and you’re not able to receive, is there something that is in the way? A devil perhaps, one more scripture about receiving?

In that same chapter, Luke 11, Jesus tells another parable. He says in verse 5, “Which of you shall have a friend, and shall go unto him at midnight, and say unto him, Friend, lend me three loaves; For a friend of mine in his journey is come to me, and I have nothing to set before him?” So basically, it’s like, which one of you is gonna be like, ‘… Trouble me not: The door is now shut, and my children are with me in bed, and I cannot rise and give thee.”

So, hey, stop knocking on my door. We’re all asleep. We’re not going to give it to you. And then in verse 8, he says, “I say unto you, Though he will not rise and give him because he is his friend, yet because of his importunity he will rise and give him as many as he needeth.” So basically, you’re going to be like, Oh, this guy’s driving me crazy. I’m going to get up and give him the bread.

This is like the unjust judge. The unjust judge, he’s like, this lady’s driving me nuts. I don’t care about her. Should you stay married aftger infidelity? Maybe there will be an unjust judge.

Betrayal Trauma Recovery Was Built On Prayer

Anne: I will tell her to pray so she’ll go away, which was the unjust thing to do. This guy is the friend, but he says you’re not giving the guy the bread in the middle of the night because he’s your friend. I mean, he’s your friend, that’s a side note. You’re giving it to him because of the time, because it’s in the middle of the night.

Then right after that are the ask and you shall receive scriptures, and if you ask for bread, he’s not going to give you rocks. What Christ says to us is that if you ask for help, I will give it to you. Because you need it and I love you. I care about you, and you are a friend. I’m not just going to give you help, because it’s the middle of the night. And I’m going to give you help, because I love you. I’m not just going to give you “help” because I want you to go away. It’s because I care.

Now for you listeners who aren’t religious. If you’ve listened this far, thank you. I’m not trying to convince you to pray. In my particular case, I knew I was in a pickle. I knew there was nothing I could do that I knew of. Betrayal Trauma Recovery has been built on me praying for help, and then getting answers, and then acting on those answers. I pray, I get an answer. And then, just like the Israelites, I’m saying this as a metaphor, pick up my stuff and walk out of Pharaoh’s oppression.

I say it as a metaphor in that I didn’t actually move out of my house. I’m in the same house.

Take Steps Toward Safety While Determining Whether To Stay Married After Infidelity

Anne: I learned what God wanted me to know, and He can lead and guide us. I don’t know why there are so many men in the world. Women in the court system as clergy or in other places who don’t understand abuse, who aren’t capable or willing or available to actually help in physical ways. But one thing that has helped me sort of wrap my head around it is that I also did not know. Are you safe?

I mean, I was married to him. He lived with me. I slept in the same bed, and I didn’t understand that he was abusive. I couldn’t comprehend it. So that helps me have grace for other people who don’t understand it, because I also didn’t at one point. So on our journey to help, number one, get ourselves to safety, and then once we are safe, helping get the word out to other women about safety. Once you take steps toward safety you can better determine if you want to stay married.

Some people will be like the unjust judge. They don’t care about doing the right thing, and they don’t care about you. It might seem like they’re in a position where they should do that. They can be clergy or a literal judge, and they’re not going to help. And some people might be like the friend in the middle of the night who doesn’t get it. But of course they’re going to give you the bread.

They’re like, Oh, fine. It’s in the middle of the night. I’m going to give you bread. That person actually helped that person. So there will be people like that who might show up and give you bread and help you. They might not understand it.

Help Me Know What I Need To Do

They might not understand you, but you will get the help that you need.

Anne: And then there is God who does love, does understand, and does want to give you a fish. He doesn’t want to give you a pile of rocks. So for my Christian friends, if you’ve been praying, one thing to consider praying is to say, Heavenly Father, it feels like I’ve been getting rocks. It feels like I’ve been getting a serpent, or it feels like I’ve been getting scorpions. Please direct my path. I know that’s not what you want to give me. I know you want to give me fish.

Help me know what I need to do so that I can receive that. And if you need to receive, there is an answer whether you should stay married after infidelity or divorce after infidelity. Truth and safety are the way to discover that answer. In The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Living Free Workshop, it gives you exercises to get in touch with yourself. If you’re atheist or agnostic, your gut, right? Like get in touch with what the universe is telling you. As a Christian, I would say the Spirit might tell you.

The Living Free Workshop is completely secular. I don’t use scripture in it at all. It’s exercises to help you get in touch with yourself, to help you know what the right thing is for you. Because it’s going to be different for everyone. Only you have the answer about should you stay married after infidelity?

But what will help you is to get educated about abuse by listening to this podcast, and taking the Living Free Workshop, which will help you uncover what his true character is. So that you can make the best decisions for you.