Are you wondering how to heal from a divorce you didn’t want? If you’re trying to heal from a divorce you didn’t want, there is a community of women who understand. Attend a Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Session TODAY.

Many women in the Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Sessions mourn the loss of the life they hoped for and dreamed of. None of us got married, hoping to experience abuse and betrayal. And when abuse and betrayal were uncovered, most of us invested deeply in anything we could “save” the marriage. Often to the detriment of our own mental and physical health. It’s important to understand that divorce doesn’t end our marriage, abuse and betrayal ended our marriage.

Abuse conditions victims to put their own needs and desires at the bottom of every list. Often, women feel selfish and silly for prioritizing themselves in any capacity. Some may even feel fear for doing so. Choosing to prioritize yourself is a conscious decision that is both healthy and necessary to create and curate a beautiful life for yourself post-divorce. It takes practice and deliberate effort, but you can do it!

Are you wondering if you are a victim of emotional abuse post divorce? Take our free emotional abuse quiz to find out.

“How Can I Do Any Of This When I Don’t Even Know Myself Anymore?”

Most women in the Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Sessions have expressed a loss of identity through their years of experiencing betrayal and abuse. The fear of building a new life without a firm grasp of your own identity is real and understandable. When you’re trying to heal from a divorce you didn’t want. You begin to remember and rebuild your identity when you reconnect with your value system. You can ask yourself questions like:

• What morals, values, and deep truths are most important to me?
• What values have I consistently thought back on, even if I have not been able to live up to them in moments of self-defense or protective action?
• And what values do I find most admirable in other people?

Examining and choosing your value system is a powerful way to ground yourself down in who you are. Divorce is one of the most difficult topics that we discuss in the Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Sessions, but it’s essential that women going through this process have a safe space to process their emotions and thoughts. Attend a Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Session TODAY and discover a community committed to helping you heal from a divorce you didn’t want.

Transcript: Heal From A Divorce You Didn’t Want

Anne: I have Ava on today’s episode. She went through her own divorce, and we’re going to talk about how to heal from a divorce you didn’t want. Welcome Ava.

Ava: Thank you. I appreciate you having me here. Most people I think heading into divorce would call it the worst time of their life. Just the amount of undoing and falling apart feels overwhelming. And then, sometimes a year later or years later, we will look back and see that what we went through shaped us in some meaningful way. That likely couldn’t have happened without all that catastrophe.

Anne: I think I’d call it like the worst time that helped me grow or something.

Ava: Yeah, right. And that’s exactly it, that’s exactly it. It’s the best thing that happened to make me who I am today. I wouldn’t choose it and don’t want it. I would have avoided it if I could, but it created results in me that I treasure.

Anne: For me, it’s been a number of years, and now I feel that way. I’ve learned so much the hard way. I’m always learning things the hard way.

Ava: I don’t think there’s any other way.

Anne: There is no other way. I recently talked to a friend, and she found herself like, Oh, why didn’t I do that? Because I didn’t think my situation rose to the level of those extremes. I thought you were talking about, but now I wish I had done that. And I’m thinking all of us did that, right? We all thought, no, no, no, I can handle it or do it this way. And I’ll be fine.

Uncovering Truths About Your Spouse

Anne: And we didn’t understand the situation. Or we didn’t understand the consequences. Then we were stuck with them, and now we all know better, but we all know better too late. It’s almost like if we could go back in time, we would do it all better. To heal from a divorce you didn’t want. So maybe on our second divorce, we’ll do awesome.

Ava: Yeah, you don’t understand who your spouse is. And as you move through divorce, you uncover truths that you either previously weren’t aware of or that come to light in new ways. And especially when abuse is involved, it can be devastating, especially on your ability to cope with the crazy that the legal process of divorce will throw at you.

Anne: Well, and I think everyone listening to this podcast understands they’re in a relationship with an abusive man. That’s who this podcast is for. But the divorce process helps women understand the level of abuse they’re experiencing. Which is way more extreme than they ever realized, and that’s why it’s so devastating. Because they’re not aware of how abusive the person is, they’re not prepared.

They don’t practice strategic ways of dealing with an abuser beforehand. Because they don’t know they need to do it until they’ve tried all the other things, and they’re like, whoa, whoa, whoa. So this is really, really bad, and that’s hard. I always want to find some way to help victims avoid learning that. But I don’t think there is any other way to learn it other than trial and error. You think, no, I’ll be able to deal with this person rationally.

The Legal Process & Its Challenges

Anne: And then you realize later, I couldn’t. But nobody jumps from zero to this person is a scary, scary person. Unless they’ve had a lot of experience with that person.

Ava: Right, and so much of that is encountering the reality of it. What you’re talking about, trying to avoid the path through. It’s exactly that. You can’t change the way you address reality until you’re looking at it. And to look at it is so exquisitely painful. And so when you get in it, you can start to get creative. But so much of our creativity gets blocked by the trauma itself.

Anne: It’s hard to heal from a divorce you didn’t want, especially when you share kids.

Ava: Especially.

Anne: The kid part is so hard, because you are continually being abused through the divorce process. And then after you’re divorced. So then it’s learning how to protect yourself from the abuse post divorce. Which is so, so hard.

Ava: Yeah, he’s going to be who he’s going to be anyway. And who am I going to become as a result? Carving out who you are separate and apart from what this marriage was. And that can be particularly sticky. When you have an abuser who is constantly trying to insert themselves in what it looks like for you to have a life.

Anne: Mm hmm. Mm hmm. That’s the exact same path. It’s not just related to divorce, but also to abuse recovery in general. Moving forward with the life you want to create, regardless of what he’s doing or choosing to do.

Ava: Right.

Heal From A Divorce You Didn’t Want: Shifting Focus From We To Me

Ava: The years we’re investing in marriage are very much a we. We’re always thinking about the we, even if that we is filled with abuse. We’re still thinking, how can I make this we better? To separate in a way that starts to only consider me.

And that can feel like a big jump at first. This idea of, well, how is that going to work? It sounds selfish. It sounds a little myopic in the way you’re thinking about it. But when we think what is best for me. We start to get a lot more creative about the activities. That we’re going to undertake to get through this painful experience of divorce.

Anne: Yeah, and in abuse recovery in general, let’s pretend for a minute that you weren’t going to get divorced. You would still move from a we to a me place. The whole point of abuse recovery and heal from a divorce you didn’t want is to find the kind of life that you want, and start making your way toward that life.

Ava: Yeah, when you get an abusive situation, where your will and your ego cannot overcome it, you get an invitation into the second half of life. And the second half of life is where we’re no longer operating in the structures that made sense for everybody else.

It’s a unique part of being a person who is moving through divorce with an abuser. You don’t get to live the way everybody else does. And so, I’m going to have to adult in ways that sometimes seem unfair, because not everybody else has to do it. But for me, it’s still the most necessary part of what it means to be a free, full individual.

Anne: Yeah.

Living Free & Finding Independence

Anne: That’s why I titled The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Living Free Workshop, Living Free. Because with those strategies, you’re finding your independence for the first time. And that’s a big deal. You’ve lived for 45, 50, or 30 years in a different way. And this will be a totally different way of perceiving the world, of interacting with the world.

Ava: Yeah, and it’s a breaking and remaking. I think some people resist it because they don’t think it should be happening, and it shouldn’t have to happen. The truth is anybody who’s gone on any meaningful spiritual adventure has this breaking and remaking moment. Whatever it is, you get a portal. You’ll get several chances in life to take the portal into this space. A different space where you learn how to become the kind of person who can actually handle far more than you realize.

Anne: it really is a miracle, at least with my own personal story. When I look back and think about the times where I knew I could not handle it. I knew I couldn’t, in my gut, in my soul, it was like, this is too much. This is too hard. I shouldn’t have to do this. Why am I forced to do it? And now looking back and thinking, I did handle it. Like, even in those moments where I knew I couldn’t, now I’m like, I was.

And the same thing with all our listeners, you are doing it. It might not feel like it. You might feel terrible. You’re taking one small step at a time. And when you look back, you’ll realize I survived. I did handle that. You’ll realize you were able to heal from a divorce you didn’t want.

Handling The Divorce Process

Anne: Even if it feels like you’re not currently doing that. And there were so many times where I wasn’t doing it well. When you’re doing it badly, trying to heal from a divorce you didn’t want.

Ava: Yeah, we have an imagination though. That handling looks like I got my nails and my hair done. I’m in a great outfit, and I have a good attitude about it. That’s not what handling it looks like. None of us have made it through the darkest moments of our lives, looking like we were handling it. What handling it looks like is allowing the complete destruction of what was. And we resist that, because it shouldn’t be that way.

We don’t want it to have to be that way. So therefore it shouldn’t have to be that way. But handling it has a lot more to do with surrendering to the fact that it’s going to happen anyway. And how do I start aligning myself with the fact that I actually will make it through. And who do I want be as I do it?

Anne: I like it when you said, this shouldn’t be happening, I don’t want it to happen. The same friend I was talking to, she said, this doesn’t happen in real life. There’s always a way to fix things.

It feels like you’re disembodied or watching yourself from far away and thinking, wait, wait, wait, this cannot be happening. And then realizing it is happening. I’m guessing that’s probably why many women don’t prepare or get a lot of information they need beforehand. And then they’re struggling throughout their divorce.

Heal From A Divorce You Didn’t Want: Putting Up Christmas Lights

Ava: And you know, that resistance shouldn’t be this way. Resistance always exposes us to what we value. Up until now, I valued family, safety, connectedness, and it seems like those things are now going away. How can I still value a sense of connectedness and family and make that happen for me and my children? When it’s not going to happen in the context of what I believe is typical for everybody else.

Anne: You saying that reminds me of something that I thought was important, and that was putting Christmas lights up. So even just a little simple thing or it’s not simple, I couldn’t figure out how to put them up. But to me, having Christmas lights outside my house for my kids means I care about my family. I care about Christmas. I’m going to continue to uphold traditions I had before, but how do I get these things on my house? This was overwhelming.

So I paid a kid in the neighborhood 20 bucks, and he put my Christmas lights up. I thought I needed a husband to put Christmas lights up. Hopefully, a husband is way more useful than just putting Christmas lights up. But when they were up, I felt like I’m living this value that I thought I had to depend on someone else for overcoming. That and then overcoming the next thing, maybe it’s mowing the lawn, maybe it’s a family reunion. When trying to heal from a divorce you didn’t want.

I don’t know what that next thing is, but just one thing at a time. And then now, a number of years later, Christmas lights are not that important to me. But at the time, that was a symbol of something.

Continuing Family Values

Anne: That’s one thing I want women to think of too. You might be putting a lot of value on something like Christmas lights, thinking I have to do this thing. This thing matters, but it’s too hard or too expensive. And taking a step back and maybe realizing, what is the metaphor here? And even if I can’t afford to pay someone in my neighborhood to put the Christmas lights up.

Is there something else I can do to feel like I’m supporting my family and have these family values through Christmas? Which of course, obviously, would be spending more time with my kids. Or doing something actually meaningful. Rather than Christmas lights. But, taking that step back and realizing what your base motivation is. Is always a good step for how to take the next step forward.

Because there will be things that we cannot do. We’re not super people. And so through divorce, there’s going to be maybe things we’re not able to do that we want to do that we think are like the epitome of what our values are. But we can be creative and roll with the punches. While you heal from a divorce you didn’t want. You can continue to keep values even if it doesn’t look the way we thought it should look originally.

Ava: Right, the knee jerk response is to look at the activity. Well, we can’t do the things we used to do because of this explosion in our life, and what your encouragement is. How do we step back and go, there’s a value behind this activity. How do I tweak the activity to match what my life looks like now?

Realistic Healing From Divorce

Ava: So that I can preserve that value. Even though I may have lost the exact tradition or way of doing it. I will still communicate the value to my people, the essence of the holidays for me meant time as a family. What does that mean when I have 50% time and how do I keep these values alive and be open to a different expression of them?

Anne: And many of the things that I thought were super important. The metaphors, I guess, the Christmas lights or whatever when it got down to it. They were actually quite hollow. Spending time with my kids in a different way was way more important, and that is what I’ve learned. Finally, after I gave up worrying about the Christmas lights.

So if you’re grappling with how to heal from a divorce you didn’t want, let’s talk about realistic healing. Like what does that look like on a practical level?

Ava: So my former partner has already given me years, sometimes decades, of evidence of their poor predictable behavior. And yet we go into communications with an expectation higher than reality. There seems to be an impulse to still go, maybe this time when we communicate, it’ll be a little better. If I use these words, it’ll happen a little better. The reality is he’s a jerk. He’s going to talk like a jerk, and he’s not going to be cooperative.

When we talk about realistic healing, it’s really being able to return again and again to reality. And we text to that reality. And we email to that reality, and we anticipate that reality

Heal From A Divorce You Didn’t Want: Managing Expectations & Communication

Anne: Yeah, that is for sure. That’s why I created The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Living Free Workshop. It’s is all about that. It’s not about texting in a way that he’s going to act differently. It’s anticipating that he will act this way, and knowing how to message him in a way that protects us.

Ava: Yeah, I love that. I didn’t want to be the person who makes it harder by expecting something out of my former partner. They’ve clearly given no evidence that they’re interested in becoming. Now, how do I text to that person?

Anne: Yeah, I think you just hit on something. They actually did promise it in so many of these situations. Because there are these periods of oh, I will always take care of you and the kids. The grooming part feels like they can be reasonable. Knowing that all those behaviors are grooming is a hard mental shift for so many victims to realize. The words that this person says don’t mean anything.

When you’re trying to heal from a divorce you didn’t want. Actions are the only thing I can trust or believe, and when we make that shift, we can live in reality. Because they have created this world through words manufactured on purpose to keep her in the fog of abuse. He has lied, deceived, and manipulated using those grooming type words, and it’s hard to know that it was never true.

Grieving & Accepting Reality

Ava: Yeah, there’s tremendous grief involved in letting someone become the miserable mess they are. What you know you can count on is, I will get words, and then I will get opposite actions. Based on that reality, I now know that those words are not something I need to focus on. They’re irrelevant to the conversation.

Anne: Yeah, that took me a long time. But when I got it, I got it. Especially because I was searching for strategies to deal with that. Like how do I protect myself from this? When I discovered the Living Free Workshop strategies, once you get it, you get it. You can’t unsee it. So for you, what was the hardest part of trying to heal from a divorce you didn’t want?

Ava: You know, the inability to say yes to the life I didn’t expect. When we say, no, it shouldn’t be this way. No, I can’t do this. No, I won’t do this, no, it’s not fair. When we put that no out there, that is the limit of where we can grow. And so to start to say tentatively scared, maybe even in a panicked way, I’m going to start aligning myself with reality. I can then say yes to the life I didn’t expect.

From a faith based perspective, we had a plan, and that plan didn’t line up with where the divine was going to lead our lives. And when we sit and throw a very understandable, sympathetic tantrum about not getting it that way.

Anne: I did that for a long time.

Ava: I did too! It’s part of the process, you know, when you talk about the things you want to circumvent.

The Journey Of Personal Transformation

Ava: And just going, no, no, no. You’d think if I get loud enough, or if I get rowdy enough, I’ll somehow get some power in that. But the power truly comes in aligning yourself with what is. There is power in surrendering to the way it’s going to be. There is a strength in that, I think most people don’t find initially. But they warm to, and I didn’t know that before my divorce.

I couldn’t trust that before my divorce, but now I can. And that means life can look very different and free in a very different way due to who I’ve become now.

Anne: The who I’ve become now part is super interesting, because you don’t know you’re becoming that person in the process. It’s like one day you wake up and feel good, and the sun is out and you’re not crying. And then you look back and you’re like, Oh wow, I’ve changed. But you don’t know you’re changing while you’re changing. You can only recognize it looking backwards.

I love like now looking back and realizing, wow, I did grow from this experience. But it’s only looking back that we get a good view of that. After you’ve begun to heal from a divorce you didn’t want.

Ava: Yeah. And when we project into the future, I have to raise kids with this. person for 10 years. I’m going to fall apart. There’s no way I can do that. What we don’t realize is the person you’re going to become a year from now, two years from now, 10 years from now. Who’s actually much different than the person you are right now.

Heal From A Divorce You Didn’t Want: The Power Of Small Steps

Ava: I think you and I both can look back and go, even in the last year, we’ve become different people. And yet when we cast forward, we always cast forward the same person. We have no imagination about who it is we could become. But I think once you have an experience of it. Like you have, and like I have, you start to go, Oh, wait, there’s something going on behind the scenes here. That’s actually growing me into something.

I think we also expect those growths to be leaps. They’re going to be like big, Oh, I finally get it, like a big, oh right! Instead, it is, at least in my experience, a thousand little ahas built on the back of daily small decisions. To move from we, to me, to figure out those values, to hire the person to get the Christmas lights. It’s those little things that compound into the big, Whoa, look at me. I am totally different. And I actually like me better now.

Anne: So for those of you listening to this and thinking, no, no, no. That’s not going to happen. There’s not going to be a day where I’m going to wake up and feel good. That you won’t heal from a divorce you didn’t want. It’s just bad, and it’s going to be bad. I want to validate that, because I lived in that for a long time. We’re here to sit in that place with you for a while. And then I also want to say, there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

And right now, if that is too painful to think about, it’s okay. It’s okay to have those times of despair, hopelessness, and those emotions that we’ve all felt.

Writing Down A Realistic Profile Of Who He Is

Anne: We will stand at the end of the tunnel and wait for you. And greet you gently when you get there. Because I remember when I was in that stage, and I would hear people talk about the light at the end of the tunnel, which is, I feel like I’ve arrived there now, which is great. But I remember back then being very angry, and not believing it. So I just want to leave a space if you’re in that stage right now. In the process to heal from a divorce you didn’t want.

Ava: Yeah, we’ll hold the hope for you until you can hold it yourself.

Anne: Yeah, exactly. For women considering divorce or starting the divorce process, who probably have a lot of heavy and scared emotions, right? And they’re working through this. What do you think they need to know?

Ava: I think the realistic profile of my former partner and really writing it down. This is what I can predictably count on almost every day from this person. He will ignore me and berate me. Getting clear about who you are about to divorce. So that you don’t start believing the false promises. Like you mentioned, you really go, this is the person I’m divorcing.

Anne: Yeah, exactly. Using the Living Free strategies to determine his true character, yeah.

Ava: That’s exactly it. I’m going to look at who are the people I can count on. Very tethered to reality, which again, I would say is the most important thing to do.

Reality Grounding Items

Anne: I love that. I love that. I had a hole in the wall. It was obviously patched from a hole in the wall he punched. And whenever I think, am I crazy? Is it me? What happened? I would go down and feel that patch, and it would help ground me back in reality.

Women will have different things, like a log of journal entries or a positive STD test they received. There could be many reality checks that when you feel unmoored a little bit and wondering what reality is. You can feel something tangible or touch something like your journal that can help ground you into reality, because reality is the way to help you heal from a divorce you didn’t want.

Ava: And then once you’ve touched that reality, journal, in a repeated way, journal. I will become the person who can get through this. Because your brain will tell you you can’t get through it, and it might be right on some level. When you can start telling your brain, you’re right, but I will figure it out. It puts your brain on the search for how it could figure it out.

I’m willing to not know right now, on my way to knowing soon. I may not be bold enough right now. I may not be courageous enough right now, but I am willing to become the person who can do this.

Anne: Yeah, that’s awesome. I love that. I remember thinking, I’m not a super person. Because I can’t do all these things. And I just felt so overwhelmed by the amount of things to do and the complexity of everything, like single parenting. Plus all the divorce documents, plus mowing the lawn, all the things all at once.

Heal From A Divorce You Didn’t Want: Seeking Help & Building Support

Anne: You are on your way to becoming that person that can do it. In the meantime, there were so many times where I just needed to ask someone for help. And they were there ready to help me. And I have found that so many victims just do not want to ask for help. It’s embarrassing and humiliating, maybe sometimes they don’t feel like they even have someone they can ask. When you are trying to heal from a divorce you didn’t want.

I just want to throw it out there that sometimes you can even ask a neighbor who you’re not that close to. Sometimes asking for help helps you get the support network you need. It’s a way to make friends. It’s a way to interact and connect with people. And the worst case scenario is they’ll say no. They were saying no before when you didn’t ask them. So you’re not losing anything. It feels risky, but they weren’t helping before, and they’re not helping now if they say no.

Ava: I’m becoming the person who’s learning to ask people to help. Asking for help is also aligning yourself with reality. To say to somebody I need help, because this is the reality I live in.

Anne: Because we are not super people, we’re just regular people. Who are, through the process of this, actually becoming super people, which is awesome.

Aligning With Reality Today

Ava: If there’s one message from it, it’s how do I figure out how to align myself with reality today?

Anne: That is exactly why I wrote The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Living Free Workshop strategies. Because I was in this place where I couldn’t figure out reality. It was so frustrating for eight years post divorce. I could not heal, because I was still being injured all the time. I couldn’t protect myself. So when I discovered the strategies, and saw that these strategies work, whether you’re married, separated or divorced. They help you see reality.

I mean, if you’re looking for how to heal from a divorce you didn’t want, reality is the answer. And the Living Free strategies teach you how to see reality and then what to do with that reality. I think anyone who has truth or reality as their goal will get there one step at a time, one action at a time. As a woman of faith. I feel like God cares about that. So if that’s your intent and where your heart is, you will get there. God will help you get there, there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Thank you so much, Ava for coming on today’s episode.

Ava: I’m so grateful to be with you. And send a lot of courage to people who are listening right now, because reality is sometimes scary. Truth can be a very scary thing. And I just want to send a blessing on the path.

Anne: Thank you so much.