One of the most important things to know before getting engaged is something rarely talked about. The most important thing for women to know before they get married is how to recognize dangerous behaviors after the marriage begins.
If your husband starts to exhibit behaviors he never exhibited before marriage, it’s likely that the man you fell in love with was a mask he wore to coerce you to marry him. This means you’ve been experiencing emotional and psychological abuse the entire time.
Learning the 19 different types of emotional abuse is essential. Our free emotional abuse quiz will help you see if what you’re experiencing is harmful to you.
Transcript: Things to Know Before Getting Engaged
Anne: One of the most important things to know before getting engaged is something that women rarely talk about. I’ve never heard it talked about at a wedding shower.
And the truth is there’s never a good time to talk about it. It’s always awkward and difficult, and we’re gonna try today.
The reason it’s so important to talk about is because so many women have experienced it, and they don’t even know what it is. So Wendy, a member of our community, is here to share her story. Welcome Wendy. Why don’t you start wherever you feel comfortable?
He disclosed every so often that he viewed this. And of course, it seemed like it was just that one time. I’m a heavy sleeper, and I distinctly remember waking up a few times, feeling like I had had intercourse, but I didn’t remember.
I remember feeling worthless, and I felt like everything in our relationship that was wrong was my fault. Because I didn’t enjoy it with my husband. And that’s when I discovered this whole new world. And I found out way more than I guess I ever wanted to know.
The Miserable Experience You Wish You’d Heard About Before Getting Engaged
Anne: I totally understand. At 30 I was a Virgin and so excited. I’m not a prude by any stretch. We married, and after two days of, I was like, this is miserable. I felt like an object. The whole experience, everything around it was awful too. I just felt used and worthless. And then afterward I’d say something like, what are you thinking about?
Hoping that he would connect with me in some way. And talk about me or us or something. But pretty much every time he’d say something like bike parts, and he’d be like staring into space. It felt completely disconnected. and. After a while, I was like, this isn’t fun for me at all. And this has nothing to do with me. It’s all about him.
From then on, I didn’t want to, but I continued to initiate because I thought I had to. I thought it was my job. I thought it’s like a chore that I check off the list. And I did not realize that that was coercion.
Wendy: Right, I enjoyed it when we first married. But then I suffered from what I thought was postpartum depression.
Searching For Answers After Marriage
Wendy: I couldn’t even sleep in our bed. I slept on the couch. So I went to counseling and was better for a while. But I always felt like everything was my fault, and any issues were my fault. And there were people around me saying the same thing. Someone even told me that I should have it with my husband anytime he wanted. And that made me feel terrible. And I didn’t tell my husband about that. I kept that to myself. I just felt so worthless.
For a while, I was like, Oh, well, my husband never abused me. I really thought that and then. In the school library online, I was looking for studies on abuse in marriage, and I was coming up empty. I found stuff on abuse and marriage in Nigeria and a couple other foreign countries. But I didn’t find anything on it in general or even in the U.S. And there aren’t any statistics. So that’s why I was unable to find any statistics.
Defining What’s Happening To You
Wendy: It talked about coercion. I had mostly experienced the coercion. And then it led me to other resources. As I learned more about this topic, I thought, that is exactly what happened. My husband did do this to me, but it was the coercion part that struck me and hit home. And then he admitted to doing this to me in my sleep. I don’t want other women to experience the same thing I experienced for so long.
Anne: It’s absolutely is, and a man can do this to his wife for years without her understanding what’s actually happening.
Let’s go back to coercion. Cause it’s something I talk about so much here on the podcast. What did you learn about coercion in your research?
Wendy: Sure, the first thing they mention is making you feel like you owe them because you’re married to them. You’re in a relationship, they spent money on you, they bought you a gift. They give you drugs and alcohol to loosen up your inhibitions, playing on the fact that you’re in a relationship. Saying such things as it is a way to prove your love for me.
Examples Of Coercion
Wendy: If I don’t get it from you, I’ll get it somewhere else. Reacting negatively with sadness, anger, or resentment. If you say no or don’t immediately agree to something. Continuing to pressure you after you say no. Making you feel threatened or afraid of what might happen if you say no. And trying to normalize their expectations. For example, I need it, I’m a man. Mostly it’s like trying to make you feel obligated. to have it with them.
Anne: So many women feel obligated to have it with their husbands. They don’t want to, but they’re worried about the consequences if they stopped.
Wendy: Right, yeah
Anne: On the flip side, they could be abusive to you because they’re hiding things, and maybe hooking up with people. And they’re not initiating with you at all. Because they are spending all their energy outside the marriage
Wendy: Right, and actually one of the studies I looked at mentioned that withholding can be a form of abuse.
Anne: That’s something the abuser will do. The abuser will say she’s withholding. She’s abusing me. But withholding is completely different than not having it with someone, because they are emotionally and psychologically unsafe.
Wendy: Exactly.
Anne: This is why this issue is so difficult with therapists or clergy or other people who don’t understand coercion. Is they’ll say, well, wife, you’re the abusive one because you are withholding. Then, because they believe men need it or they’re going to die or something. If you feel uncomfortable having it with him. That justifies him having it with prostitutes or multiple affairs.
The Myth of Male “Needs” When Justifing Abuse
Anne: A man will not die if he does not have it. If so, what, all boys would die instantly when they were 12 or something?
Wendy: Right, yeah, it doesn’t make any sense.
Wendy: Personally, I didn’t realize that a mutual agreement between the partners about what they want needs to happen every time, and just because you’re in a relationship doesn’t automatically give consent. One of the things you talk about is safety.
Anne: Yeah, safety is huge. If you want it to be mutually beneficial and emotionally and psychologically safe. Then you need to know the truth. That’s information you’d want to know just to be in a relationship with him, let alone have it with him.
Wendy: Right, exactly. And there are lots of women that end up with an STD or an STI, and a lot of times the husband’s like, I don’t know how you got that. You got that from the toilet. You know, Anne, there’s one thing the National Domestic Violence Hotline website says sticks out.
Recognizing Manipulation
Wendy: It’s not consent if you’re afraid or unable to say no. So it’s not consent if you’re manipulated, pressured, or threatened to say yes. It’s also not consent if you’re unable to legitimately give consent, which includes being asleep, unconscious, or under the influence of conscious altering substances like alcohol. Some prescription medications and other drugs.
Anne: Or if he’s purposefully hiding information from you. If he’s lying to you, that’s manipulation. If you think he’ll sleep with someone else, if you don’t have it with him, that’s a threat. And If you think he’ll divorce you if you don’t have it with him, that’s a threat. If you think he’ll be sulky all day, if you don’t have it with him, that is a threat.
So when it says manipulated, pressured or threatened. To see us think about all the different ways, they threaten us most of the time, extremely subtly.
Wendy: Yes, that also goes on in the manipulation. Because they’re already manipulating you. I thought it was interesting, because a lot of times they just talk about the abuses and physical assaults. That’s what TV and movies show.
They don’t show this other stuff. And so I thought it was really interesting that the National Domestic Violence Hotline includes that in their information about consent and abuse by coercion.
Anne: Yeah, I received a review from a man who said this podcast wasn’t great. Because my definition of abuse is different than the standard definition. And it’s legit, the definition of coercion we use here is the basic definition of coercion that the National Domestic Violence Hotline uses. I think he just doesn’t want to admit that this can happen to women for years by their own husband and not know.
Recognizing Marital Coercion
Anne: Here’s an example of how women don’t know they’re being harmed by this. I have a wonderful friend. She believes in not having it until marriage, and she was dating someone. And she said something about how she’d gone too far. I was like, what do you mean?
And then she said, well, I don’t know. I didn’t want to have it. I kept saying, no, I tried not to, but then we did have it. and she just had this confused look on her face. And I told her what had been happening. And it was like I had punched her in the stomach. It was not until that moment that she realized this, and not just once. Multiple times over the three years she dated him. And I hugged her, and she backed away from me.
She was obviously extremely traumatized, and this was a trauma response. And she was having maybe a panic attack. She was breathing heavily. She put her hands on the counter, and it took her a while to calm down. When she did, she said, I didn’t realize until this moment that my boyfriend had done this to me for three years. And so many women tell me the same story about what their husband chose to do to them.
Most of the time when I talk to women before they realize what’s happening. I ask, are you being abused? They tell me no. We have a rough marriage, we have communication issues. We have intimacy issues.
Educating Women On Emotional Abuse & Coercion
Wendy: And I think it makes it harder, because my husband didn’t punch walls. If we got into an argument, he would shut down completely and keep it all in. And so it took me a while to realize that I had been abused. You know, there was gaslighting. He always minimized my feelings, because he didn’t think I should ever be angry about anything. It never dawned on me, I would have answered the same way. I would have said, no, I don’t think I’m being abused.
Anne: We need to educate women about this type of abuse, so that women can have words for what’s happening to them. Many people discourage women from thinking their husband is abusive in this way. Because they’re worried about her reporting and then going through a very difficult legal situation. I don’t want anyone to think I am suggesting you report this. You can, if you would like, but the likelihood of him actually being prosecuted or pleading guilty is extremely remote.
Learning About This Before You Get Engaged is Key
If this discussion makes people uncomfortable because they’re like, well, then you have to report. Nothing about this episode is about reporting it. You don’t need to report it. I think knowing what’s happened to you is helpful for healing. The most important thing is that you know what happened. And, that you know the truth. And that’s why it’s so important for women to have a place where they can talk about it.
Or talk about when they realized their husband had been doing this to them for years and they didn’t know. The question of whether you’re going to report it or not doesn’t even have to come into the discussion.
I created The Living Free Workshop for women to get to safety, and to know what strategic actions to take.
Seeking Support & Healing
Wendy: Finding somebody to talk to who is going to be supportive, that’s not going to say, “Well, you’re just making that up.” or “There’s no way, because he’s such a good guy.” Reaching out for support is helpful. Really, understanding what it is and what you’ve been through, and knowing that you’re not alone. I think those are the two biggest things that are helpful.
Anne: Yeah, I couldn’t agree more. At Betrayal Trauma Recovery, your emotional and psychological safety. is our absolute top priority. Our coaches can help you process what you’ve been through and support you as you make your way to emotional safety. In whatever way that’s going to look like in your specific situation. Everybody’s journey looks different, and they’ll support you in what you decide. It’s just so important that when you go for help, you get it from a safe person.
Wendy, thank you so much for contacting me. You are so brave, and you can talk about this difficult topic in such an unflinching way. It’s so important that we do. It’s one of the most important things to know before you get engaged. And your example will help so many women. So thank you so much for the suggestion to talk about this and for being willing to share your story. I appreciate it so much.
Wendy: Awesome, thanks for having me.
This is such a hard topic that doesn’t get talked about enough. So many older women see absolutely nothing wrong with a man doing this to hiw wife, so they don’t tell their daughters before they get engaged. I wish someone would have told me. My story is a little different. I would wake up to my husband assaulting me. I never consented but he had turned me on enough that I had it with him. But that was never okay! He violated me. I did not appreciate being woken up because he wanted it. And I definitely didn’t appreciate not being given a choice.
I also had it with him many many times when I didn’t want to just to stop unwanted behavior, whether it was being mad all weekend, or acting playful but touching me and not leaving me alone. It was not okay. I was never taught about consent, and even if I had been, he was a manipulative abuser so he would have argued his way around me.
There were also times that I would start out having it with him willingly, but ended up in pain and he would just finish and not even notice. Talk about feeling used. Talk about being merely an object to be disposed of for his gratification. ?
It’s a tough topic. I’m so glad you found this helpful!
My husband did this to me for many years. He was also seeing multiple other women and I didn’t know. I suffered mentally, physically, emotionally, financially and spiritually. I dealt with STDs over and over and have never been with anyone other than him and that only during our marriage. (I was touched inappropriately as a child however. And him knowing that only made things worse. Sometimes a face would come to mind when he and I were together. I would ask him to stop and he would only go at me harder. I remember kicking him off me at least once. I mentioned that this happened to me in a counseling session with a pastor once and the pastor asked my husband if he knew about it, indicating that he would have known back when I was a child. My husband responded that he didn’t know me then so he only knew what I said. I believe that immediately gave my husband the feeling of authority over me.) One incident happened inside his workplace. He’s a firefighter. When I finally got the nerve to talk to his chief about what was going on, the chief told me to talk to a detective. The detective told me I wasn’t assaulted. But rather I was manipulated. I told him about our history etc. The detective gave me his phone number. I tried to contact him later but he would never respond to me. Because my husband had used many women and many of them at various fire stations around our city, it came out in the news that one of the women and I had approached the chief. (This former other woman had been used and abused by him for several years. Lied to about me. When she learned the truth, she was sick. Not long after that though, I got to introduce her to Jesus. She is now a strong Christian lady and a good friend!) We were not there to cause harm. Just to tell our truth. The chief and city administrator chose to make it public that allegations had been made about my husband having it at fire stations and that we were estranged. The whole store was told wrong and he became a hero to this sad fallen world. The chief lied and said I had sent emails 2 years prior about him having it with women at fire stations. I was not only not the one who sent the emails, I didn’t even know he was having it at fire stations with anyone but me. I knew about the emails because my husband told me about them. He had taken a trip to Mexico with a woman while I cared for his dying mother. That woman was mad at him. He told me she sent the emails. (Again all I have is his word for some of this so I don’t really know.) When I emailed the chief after he said I sent those emails and asked for a retractions and correction, he ignored me. Crazy thing, they kept calling us estranged. My husband was living with me off and on that whole time. He only filed for divorce after his mother died and he told me he no longer needed me to take care of her. But he still came to see me even after he filed. I was apparently required to continue having it with him.
Anyway few months later there was a small fire behind my fence at my house. Someone called the fire dept. I watched as they put out the fire behind my fence, turned off their lights and watched my fence and yard burn. They finally came around to a gate to try to gain entrance but never approached me as is standard protocol. I spoke to them. Told the captain nicely a small portion of the truth, and walked back inside my home. To this day, I’m the bad guy to the fire dept because of the brotherhood. Even though many of his coworkers avoid him.
Two years ago this month I realized I was experiencing this by my now former husband. I went to my attorney and filed a counterclaim for divorce on grounds of adultery. My husband denied adultery in order to extend the proceedings. He didn’t really want a divorce. He just wanted to be in control and manipulate. I called hot lines for help as I disintegrated. Finally I found the name of a counselor here in my city that I knew. Definitely God directed. She diagnosed me with PTSD, severe anxiety and depression. I’ve learned that what happened to me was not my fault no matter what the fire chief or anyone else says. I’m learning to be assertive and not take the blame for everything. We’ve been through a lot, but my now adult kids I had been trying to protect all along are, for the most part, doing great! Praise the Lord!
The divorce court happened on March 15h of last year with him showing up in a fire truck with his coworkers. Thank the Lord the deal was worked out prior to going in the courtroom because the judge was enamored by the firefighters but was condescending and rude to me. My attorney agreed that I wouldn’t have gotten anything had the judge made the decision. Instead I walked away with everything but his ratty old pick up truck. When we drove off, my husband was giving the judge a ride in the firetruck complete with lights and sirens.
It took another six weeks to get the divorce finalized because my husband’s attorney dropped it. I didn’t drop things this time. I had to get my finances in order. My attorney and I completed everything. Well almost everything. Here we are a year later and there is still at least one more loose end. But that’s OK. I am most recently meeting me. And I am learning to like me. And I am so very thankful. My story could go on and on as there are many years involved in what has happened. But the most important part is that God is taking care of things. And he is using all this for good. This I know.
Thank you so much for sharing your story! You are so brave! God is helping all of us out of this fog!
Anne, thank you for this podcast. It’s such a healing experience to know and to have clarification on what I have gone through in a 39 year marriage. He did this to me on my honeymoon and throughout my marriage. I was traumatized. I didn’t know what to do or who to talk to. I wished someone had talked to me about it, even before I got engaged! I went to my bishop but couldn’t speak on the topic as I was so ashamed but yet I needed help. I think I just needed someone to help me process what was happening to me. It was so confusing. I felt so incredibly violated and used but I was married and it was like living a double standard. It confused me greatly and I lived with this trauma trying to make the best of it and enjoy what I could. I would have to imagine something else during it so I wouldn’t have to feel the trauma of his presence near me. He emotionally betrayed me frequently and spiritually. In everyway I felt violated yet I had no support and didn’t know how to explain what I was going through. I have since learned that trauma takes away your ability to speak and that is exactly what I felt. Thank you for sheading light on this horror of a way to live. I finally had a friend help me figure out what I was going through and I left the marriage FYI. My ex-husband would deny he did anything nor would he attempt to understand how I felt. We tried counseling but it was more traumatizing for me.
I’m so glad you found us! We have found your experience to be common (sadly). I too didn’t understand I was being abused, which is why I started Betrayal Trauma, to educate people about this particular form of abuse that involves lying, infidelity, and coercion. If he’s being unfaithful online, that’s coercion too. Thanks for sharing your story.
Thank you. Just thank you. I knew this was happening to me. I knew but the church didn’t. And I so desperately wanted to be loved by God, I stayed, because no one would believe me. So thanks for the article with references to church things I can read.
Yes, so many people don’t understand this or how lying about things like being unfaithful online is coercion. If he’s betraying you like that and hiding it, that’s manipulation which is a form of emotional and psychological abuse.
This subject is something that should be blown open and discussed. Because of the numerous subtletes involved it goes unchecked and manifest as depression. Then depression is the thing that is discussed and flooding the airways. I really appreciated this discussion and would love to hear much more.
We’ll for sure cover more of these important topics, stay tuned. So glad you found it helpful!
This podcast is everything that I’ve been through. This is so devastating because of the coercion and the constant confusion, feeling like it’s all your fault. I feel like abusers won’t change at least in my case
I’m so glad you found us! Hugs!
My husband used to do this to me in my sleep (welcome to child #4). I started to sleep fully dressed so I could sleep. He’s addicted to things online and needs to “relieve himself” before bed and when he wakes up. We now sleep apart and he’s on his 3rd stripper affair (that I know of). Yes he’s given me an STD which the dr told us I received from a toilet seat (yes female dr!!!). I can’t divorce due to wanting my kids’ post secondary completed. If he’s being unfaithful online or anywhere else, it’s coercion, which is a form of rape. He’s constantly crossing boundaries I never agreed to, and it’s exhausting. I’d love to have intimacy but I’m afraid I’d be sending my husband the wrong message. We haven’t done anything because I didn’t want another STD but I wouldn’t mind using a condom. Am I wrong to ask for intimacy or am I sending the wrong message?????
I think the question you need to ask is, is it emotionally and physically safe to be with this man. Your emotional and physical safety needs to be your top priority.
After many episodes of this happening to me after we got married, I completely shut down and felt numb frm the betrayal. My husband became furious, but groomed me by attending Celebrate Recovery meetings but stated, “I’m nothing like those people…”. If he only knew.
So why didn’t I tell him? Fear. Fear of being more slandered by my husband than I already have. The same man who calls me Darling D in public for the sake of who?
Six years ago was the last time because after that I finally figured out what was really going on. I don’t panic every night, but I mourn knowing I could never be close to anyone again.
I’m so sorry that you’ve been through this! It sounds like it’s been a really tough journey. I hope that you can find some peace and healing in the future.
I cry because my husband forces me to douche before we’re intimate. He makes me feel bad if I decline my ‘duty’. No emotion during it. It feels like this is happening to me. I wish I would have known before we got engaged, so when it started happening I would have known what was going on.