After betrayal, many women wonder if he would have stayed faithful if they had improved their appearance. But that’s not true. Here’s how treating body image issues after betrayal can help women move forward.
Why Does Betrayal Cause Body Image Issues?
Betrayal attacks a woman’s sense of self-worth, affecting her physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
These types of betrayal will inevitably injure a woman and cause body image issues that are no fault of her own:
- A husband’s use of inappropriate media
- Emotional, physical, or virtual affairs
- Verbal and emotional abuse
How Betrayal Can Cause Body Image Issues
Part of betrayal is often emotional abuse, which is the main cause of body image issues. To discover if he’s using any one of these 19 different types of emotional abuse tactics, take our free emotional abuse test.
3 Things About Body Image Related to Betrayal
1. Betrayal Happens to Every Type of Woman
When you’re healing from your husband’s betrayal, it’s easy to believe his lies that you could have done something to prevent it. hat’s not true. Even stunning actresses, musicians, and supermodels have faced betrayal. Why? Because cheating isn’t a result of how attractive, strong or amazing you are. Infidelity is a choice that a man makes because he lacks care and respect for his partner. That’s it.
2. When You’re Feeling Sad About Your Body Focus on Healing The Trauma
Sometimes it’s about more than just your reflection. Healing from betrayal often brings flashbacks of hurtful things he may have said or done. It’s natural for those experiences to resurface.
Here are some ways to refocus on the truth:
- Breathe and Acknowledge Your Feelings
Take a moment to ground yourself. Deep breaths can help calm the emotional storm. Then, instead of pushing feelings aside, acknowledge them. “I feel sad/shaken/hurt about X,” and remind yourself that it’s okay to feel this way. The betrayal trauma meditations in my workshop help women work through the emotional pain for infidelity.
- Repeat Affirmations That Heal
Counter the negative thoughts with kind ones. Repeat phrases like, “My worth isn’t defined by anyone else’s actions,” or “I am strong, valuable, and healing.”
- Protect Yourself from Flashbacks
If flashbacks of cruel comments or situations are overwhelming, use meditation or grounding techniques like wrapping yourself in a blanket, holding an object in your hand, or listening to calming music. These can help bring you back to the present and remind you that you’re beautiful just the way you are.
- Prioritize Rest
Healing is exhausting work, and that’s okay. Your mind and body need rest. Take a nap, go to bed early, or enjoy a quiet moment with tea—even just 10 minutes to yourself can help.
If trauma from betrayal has left you lost or feeling depressed about your body, learning more about this type of abuse can help you have confidence. Listen to the Free Betrayal Trauma Recovery Podcast.
3. You Need Support When Betrayal Has Damaged Your Self Image
You don’t have to tackle this alone. Nobody should handle the fallout of betrayal by themselves.
There’s something remarkably healing about connecting with others who’ve been through similar experiences. Women with experience with this can offer empathy, advice, or even just an ear when you need it most.
On bad body image days, lean on support systems to lift you back up. Attend a Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Session to connect with women who truly understand betrayal trauma and how it affects our body image. Just share how you’re feeling. You don’t need to have all the answers or explain everything. A simple “Hey, I’m having a tough day” is enough to start to feel better.
Having a supportive network, whether it’s friends, family, or a professional community, can make all the difference.
Transcript: Does Betrayal Cause Body Image Issues?
Anne: I have a member of our community on today’s episode. We’re going to call her Katherine. And then I’m also interviewing Courtney who runs Bra Fittings by Court and helps women who have been traumatized in this way heal from their body image issues.
I’m going to interview Katherine first. She actually wrote down how her husband’s betrayal affected the way she viewed her body image. Welcome, Katherine. How did your husband’s betrayal affect your body image?
Katherine: In my own life comparison has been something I’ve struggled with. For a while, it was difficult for me to be in public, either with my husband or without him. When I would see attractive women in public, I felt incredibly traumatized. It really was difficult for me to go out into public for a while and watch TV because I just felt like I didn’t measure up.
Impact of Betrayal on Body Image
Then another area body image affect me my husband and I began to become intimate again, I was so traumatized and felt so negative about my body.
The messages I told myself fall into two categories: I’m too much or I’m not enough, like I’m too big, too small, too flabby, too old, too much cellulite, too tall, too short, I’m not enough, I’m not pretty enough, I’m not thin enough. Areas in my life that I felt confident in were attacked and things that people said to me , my husbands or other people were an additional wound on top of that.
It’s an ongoing battle with body image, but I’ve also made a lot of progress
Becoming aware of my negative body talk that often is just this dialogue that goes on in my head that I’m not even aware of and really beginning to work on gaining confidence.
Body Image History
When I was in a middle school, I was not in the popular crowd. I was shy and reserved and quiet, and I just didn’t quite fit in. One of the popular boys who had this little entourage of cronies that followed him around, he decided one day that he needed a new girlfriend. And so he sent one of his little cronies to me.
And another girl, separately, saying that this popular boy was going to decide between the two of us and choose a new girlfriend. He didn’t ask me if I wanted to be, he just assumed that I would just willingly love this great honor, right? And so, this crony told me, he said, I’ll come back to you in a couple days after he’s made his decision.
And so, honestly, I truly did not want to be his girlfriend because I was quiet and shy and that just freaked me out. But I was just so flattered that somebody had noticed me. So about two days later, he came back and he said, well, he’s made a decision. He’s chosen her over you.
And part of me was so relieved because I didn’t want to be his girlfriend. But the next thing he said to me was he chose her because she has bigger boobs.
And right there in that moment, I saw her as more valuable than me. And then, the sad thing that I did, Anne, is I actually said out loud to him, That’s okay. I understand. I thoughts she was more valuable because of her breast size and I carried that wound for years and years and years.
When My Body Image Started to Heal
And one of my really good friends had a mastectomy from breast cancer and she was very open about her procedure and I was visiting her one day and she asked me if I wanted to see her scars. That was a real holy moment for me. First of all, that my friend would invite me into that pain.
To see those scars, but in that moment of seeing that oh my goodness I was like, oh I need to be so grateful not just for that part of my body, but for all of my body So that was in a profound Impact on me. So I really began That grateful journey of being thankful for my body and I had for years bought the add a cup size bras.
I’m not condemning those bras for anyone out there, but for me personally my own personal journey I got to a point where I threw those all away That was a huge step of healing to realize that I am not going to use these for me personally That was a real confirmation that I would had made progress in that area and then I really was truly Being grateful for the body that I have.
How Running Helped Me Heal
Another area of body image that I’ve struggled with is my legs, and I’m a runner. I love to go for a run in the morning, but I was so critical of these lets that took me for a run. And then one day, I was getting out of my car in a parking lot and I see a woman and three or four kids getting out of a car and they’re helping her with the wheelchair. And she gets out and slides into the wheelchair and she has only one leg. Oh, and again, I’m standing there thinking, you know what?
I just went running and I’m so critical of my legs. This woman would just love to have my legs that have cellulite. So another step of realizing to be grateful. And then would you believe, and like probably a year and a half later, I’m at the same parking lot. It was Target. I get out of my car.
I see that same woman. Getting out of her car again, and this time both of her legs are gone. And, oh my goodness. I’m like, how can I ever complain about my legs again? I would get out of the shower and I would see my legs in the mirror. I appreciate my legs. They have served me well. I just went for a run this morning.
Believable affirmations really helped me
Anne: Yeah, that story reminds me of my son.
Teaching Body Positivity to Children
We get a pass to an amusement park and a water park near our home. It’s like five minutes away from where we live.
And he said to me one day, Mom, I don’t like going to this water park because so many of the women are in bikinis, and I have to look at them, and I feel uncomfortable. I don’t want to stop doing things
because there’s people there in swimming suits. I want my kids to be able to go places and enjoy things. He specifically said, they wear these bikinis that show their stomachs. And I said, what do you think their stomachs are for? He was like, what do you mean? And I said, why does a woman have a stomach? What would happen if a woman didn’t have a stomach?”
And he was like, “Oh, well, she wouldn’t be able to eat.”
And I said, “Yeah, what are her legs for? What would a woman be without legs?”
And he’s like, “She couldn’t walk.”
“And what about their arms? What are their arms for? So when you see a woman in a swimsuit, I don’t want you to think that the reason she has a stomach is for you to look at it. The reason she has a stomach is so that she can eat and live.”
Understanding Bad Body Image Days
He was like, “Mom, that makes so much sense.”
This is a good lesson we need to teach our sons. The reason women have body parts is for the woman. You have legs so that you can walk, so that you can run, that’s why you have arms and a stomach.
That’s why you have a head. You do not have a body. Just so people can look at it. Your body is for you.
Katherine: That is so powerful and I think that really helps us to not objectify women. We as women can sometimes objectify other women as well. That’s powerful.
Seeing Beyond Outward Appearance
Anne: So this question follows that idea. How can we begin to see ourselves as more than just our outward appearance?
Katherine: That holds the key to our stories, because we age! But I believe that we become more beautiful as we age.
Our wisdom, our life experience, confidence, accepting ourselves, becoming less judgmental, life experience and how that changes us. I just believe that as we age, we become a more beautiful person. You had your mom on the podcast and I’ve never seen your mom or met your mother.
But what a beautiful person she encountered in the podcast, full of wisdom, kindness and compassion. That’s what true beauty is.
Emotional Abuse and Self-Worth
Anne: Absolutely.One of the most intense emotional abuse episodes that happened with me was when my ex told me very calmly that he had been lying to me every time he said I was beautiful. He said he couldn’t lie anymore, and that he never thought I was beautiful. Of course this kind of trauma would affect your sex drive.
And I said to him, “That’s not true. I am beautiful. You’re full of crap.”
And he said, “I just mean your personality makes you ugly.” And that hurt more than anything, because it was like, so you think I’m cute physically, but you really genuinely hate me.
That’s basically what he was saying. Things took a turn after that. I was like, if he refuses to acknowledge in any way, shape, or form that he appreciates me as a human being, he’s basically saying your personality, your wisdom, your strength. I don’t like anything about you. And I think he said it on purpose to hurt me and never took it back. Never acknowledged it happened.
And then when I told other people he had said that, he gaslit me and said, “No, that’s not what happened. That’s not what I said. That’s not what it meant.”
And I was like, “That’s exactly what you said and exactly what you meant.”
I am beautiful. And if you don’t think I’m beautiful, you apparently hate your wife.
Body as a Container for Gifts
Katherine: Our bodies are really a container for our EQ, our emotional intelligence, our IQ, which is our intelligence, our GQ, which is our gut and our intuition, which as betrayed women has been so damaged, right?
Seeing our bodies as vehicles of takes us for a run. All of our gifts are expressed through our bodies. So if we play the piano or we’re an artist, an athlete.
Our bodies is how we express our gifts. It’s our container. And then for women of faith our body is actually the container for God’s spirit. And if we can begin to believe how valuable God says we are. He calls our body, his temple, and he dwells in us. Wow. That to me is just so, so powerful.
Affirmations and Self-Care
I do a brain dump and write down the negative things I say to myself. And really grieve that. And then look at the if thens. If only I was thin, then my husband would love me. Or if only I looked like that model, then he would stop looking at this stuff. Change them to I am’s. Like, I am grateful for my legs because they have served me well.
I’m going to cross out those old messages that I’ve written down, and I’m going to come up with new believable affirmations.
If we are women of faith, I think scripture Is so powerful to see who god says we are like psalm 139 It’s a beautiful passage that talks about how we’re fearfully and wonderfully made Other scripture talks about where the apple of his eye that he sings over us that were his beloved So that’s a huge piece of it for me. There’s nobody else like me. So be me. And that’s what I say. Be yourself because everyone else is taken.
Anne: In you talking about this, it’s bringing up so many issues that I have, and I’ve always had really solid body image. But what I doubted was my personality .
Betrayal Affects All Women
A man said to me, you are the ideal physical person. Do you think if I was your boyfriend that your personality might change? Then I remember a few other times a man said you’re beautiful physically, but like your personality kind of ruins it. This just feels so off, meaning why would this be okay?
I’m grateful for what you shared. It made me think about where I stand and why self-care feels so hard for me.
I remember shopping with my mother-in-law before a speaking event. She wanted me to wear something flashy, but I chose a simple outfit instead.
And she said, why it’s so plain. And I said, because I don’t want my outfit to take away from my personality. I want my personality to be the thing that shines through.
Now I see it as manipulation.
Victim Blaming and Manipulation
So you wrote down a bunch of this type of emotional abuse in the form of victim blaming and how you experienced it. Why do you think when it comes to betrayal, the men who perpetrate the betrayal use victim blaming as a way to manipulate their victims.
Katherine: Whenever they step outside the marriage and betray us, they’re so angry at us. In order to justify it , they have to see us as bad. They take a grain of truth and just blow it up into a mountain of how horrible we are.
And attack our strengths and exploit our weaknesses. attacked our body image.
Anne: Yes, that is exactly what happens.
Katherine: He lies so that’s victim blaming. The other area is others. And this can be friends, family, clergy, therapists. They’re uneducated in betrayal trauma.
Maybe they still take the old codependency model and they’re trying to place that on you, or They think that betrayal is really about sex when it’s really not. Years ago, that was me.
I didn’t understand what betrayal trauma was. At the time, um, I was being betrayed. In fact, one friend of mine, her husband left her, and another friend said, “She wouldn’t have it with him, what else was he going to do?”
I said, “Yeah, as women, we need to have it with our husbands.”
I mean, that was me. So when I hear this victim blaming, it makes me angry, but I also realized they’re not educated yet. So, I can have a little sympathy for them, but it’s still a maddening, especially when you’re on the receiving end.
When Betrayal Affects Our Body Image
It might be actually ourselves. about our body image This is one that sometimes we’re not even aware of. When a woman is in an emotionally abusive relationship for a long time, she actually can begin to see herself through the twisted and distorted lens of her abuser, her accuser, her husband.
That’s gaslighting, where she begins to believe what others say what therapists are telling her And we blame ourselves and a huge part of healing is realizing that we are not to blame. our bodies are not to blame
I would just shout that from the rooftops. There is absolutely no blame whatsoever on a woman when their husband is unfaithful.
These men, they had integrity issues long before they ever met us . So it wouldn’t have matter who they married. It’s not about us.
DARVO and MARVO Tactics
Katherine: If you’re around BTR very long at all, you will hear one of the coaches and one of the women in the groups talk about the acronym DARVO. And that stands for Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim Offender. It’s a tactic that our abusers can use against us.
And it is so strange. Anne, I almost feel like these men go to Darvo school or something, because it is so common. You just hear it over and over again. So first they deny they’ve done anything wrong. Then they attack you, and then they make themselves the victim because you have so offended them. It’s so easy to fall into that trap too, because they are so good at it.
But I’ve kind of changed the DARVO into MARVO.
And my MARVO stands for Minimize Avert Reverse Victim Offender. They might take a little bit of responsibility in this one, They’re going to minimize, Well, I shouldn’t have done that, but then they avert it right onto you, but you dot, dot, dot, dot, dot. And then you say, but you did this.
Yes. I was wrong, but you dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, and they again still become the victim that you, and you are the offender. When we as women can, you become aware of when this is happening.
Living Free Strategies to Heal Our Body Image Issues
Anne: Yeah, you’re bringing up the strategies from The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Living Free Workshop. I want you to talk more about those later, but let’s go through that list of ways his betrayal affected your body image.
Katherine: Yes, so you know when you go to the theme park and want to get on the roller coaster, and there’s that sign that says if you’re at risk for a heart attack, please do not get on this ride.
Well, I just want a disclaimer here because Your blood pressure is going to rise when you hear these. This first one is an example of something that actually came from the therapist. He said to me So, tell me, how did you contribute to his infidelity? And to my husband.
So where’s your list of things she’s done wrong?
How His Blame Hurts Us
So here’s the next one. You know, you can’t shame him or he’ll act out again. So you’re actually silenced. There’s that threat that you better not do that. You’re silenced from sharing your pain out of fear that they’ll act out again.
And if they act out again, then they come back and say, well, it’s because you shamed me.
So the next one came from clergy, let me just ask you, how often are you having it? Because you know, if a woman would just loosen up in the bedroom, make themselves available, be more adventurous, meet his needs, this kind of thing just wouldn’t happen.
One pastor said if you don’t meet his needs every day, it’s like sending him to work with a loaded gun.
Anne: WHAT?!
Katherine: Yes!
Anne: The pastor’s basically like saying, he’s an animal. You’re responsible for making sure he doesn’t harm people. That he can’t control himself. Like if people want to treat men like animals, then fine. But we hold them to a higher standard here at Betrayal Trauma Recovery, I don’t know. We treat men like humans!
His Words Damaged My View of Myself
Katherine: Yes! Okay, so this one came from a therapist. So I think I figured out the problem here. We need to make you a safe person.
If we can make you safe, he won’t lie.
You can’t justify wrong behavior by someone else’s perceived wrong behavior, that never justifies a lie.
So here’s one from the faith community, have you been praying for him? His integrity is your responsibility, because you haven’t prayed for him.
This could come from anyone. Okay, so I really need to be honest with you here. This might be difficult to hear, but if you would just take better care of yourself, then he wouldn’t feel a need to look at that stuff.
How could that not affect my body image okay. Here’s the next one from my husband. I could not tell you the truth because you’re so full of fear and worry that you would go off the deep end.
You know, like you did last time. Another common one: I can’t tell you cause I didn’t want to hurt you. Who they’re really protecting is themselves. Cause if they were all about protecting you, they wouldn’t have acted out in the first place. Okay. This next one also came from my husband. I am working so hard on myself and you haven’t fill in the blank, forgiven me or trust me or respect me or appreciate me.
I’ll just never be good enough for you.
When He Betrays Us With Lies About Ourselves
Anne: Poor abusers. We just expect them not to be abusive. It’s so, so mean of us.
Katherine: The bar is really low when you want to think about it. You know, the bar is so low.
Okay, this is a very wounding one because this one came from a friend Well, I’ll tell you one thing. I would never put up with that if he was my husband because on one hand they’re validating your pain and then the next hand they’re calling you a fool.
Anne: Part of being able to identify this is knowing how to recognize victim blaming. And do you think it’s also a form of victim blaming because they’re saying it’s kind of your fault because you put up with it?
Katherine: Yeah, I think it can be. Or, you know, you’ve put up with this so long and I’ve heard several women say this that they’ve shared with their friends and they’re just like I’ve never put up with that.
How could you, you need to leave him instead of really helping them figure out what their next step is. So the last one you finally gained the courage to tell your story to somebody.
Sharing Your Own Body Image Issues Can Help Other Women
And you pour out your heart and you’re sitting there waiting to see What’s going to happen and they look at you and they go Well, it sounds to me like maybe you haven’t forgiven him boy when somebody throws it at you, oh, it’s so hurtful you have to grieve and you have to walk through This anger this righteous anger.
Anne: Yeah, our anger really can help us.
And that’s one of the things that the living free workshop covers. what strategies to use to
keep ourselves safe from this type of victim blaming. Living free covers the fact that all women resist abuse in different ways.
Can you talk about Living Free. Did it help you realize the ways that you were resisting the abuse doing the best that you could, knowing what you knew at the time and considering the counsel and advice you were receiving.
Knowing What to Do Next To Feel Better About Ourselves
Katherine: I wanted him to believe and see me so badly. So I’d keep trying, maybe if I say it this way, or maybe if I say it that way, and you defend and you keep trying and trying and trying, and it just doesn’t work.
It ends up into an argument. The other one, is the apology mode. And back to the example of the husband who says, you know, I’m working so hard and you don’t appreciate me. Okay. The apology mode is, Honey, I’m so sorry. You’re right. You are working hard. And yeah, maybe I do expect too much.
And I really do appreciate you and thank you for doing all this hard work. So the conversation started with you going to them with a concern and it ends up with you being the one apologizing.
So it educated me to walk away from his trap with dignity.
Anne: Yeah, I cover all of the traps they’re going to use in the living free workshop.
Katherine: Yes We’re just kind of falling into their trap. And when we begin to respond to our husbands in this new way, boy, they notice there’s a new woman in town. It really, truly does empower us and it gives us courage then to do it the next time.
Anne: I am so glad. So many women find The Living Free Strategies to be life-changing. Cause it’s not like anything you’ve ever heard before.
Katherine: It changed my life.
Safe Community Helps Us See Our True Beauty
Then another way I got grounded in truth was in the Betrayal Trauma Recovery Groups. In these sessions, it’s such an honor to spend time with these women. I believe betrayed women are some of the most beautiful, strong, persevering women on the face of the planet.
It is amazing when we first come in to the group, maybe, you know, we have just discovered something and we come into the group and we are so traumatized and rightly so we’ve all been there, but to see the growth within just a few short weeks is really amazing to me. And I look at that and I look at my own personal story.
It took me 10 years to discover what these women are learning at BTR in a matter of weeks. And so you can fast forward two, three, four weeks. You’ll have the same woman back in a group. And yes, she’s still traumatized. Yes.
She’s learning the lingo She’s grounded in truth, working on boundaries. Supported and validated by the BTR Coaches. I literally see these women find their voice in a matter of weeks. And I look at my journey, and it was 10 years before I found BTR.
It’s amazing to go from being distraught and traumatized, confused, scared, accused, misunderstood.
Empowerment and Progress
And a few weeks later, getting to a safer place emotionally with the help of a BTR coach, but it’s because I experienced that.
A few weeks ago, one of the women in a sessions, after over 20 years of marriage, had finally set some really strong boundaries with her husband.
And it wasn’t ending the way she wanted, but she was sticking to her truth. And said, after 20 years, BTR helped me have the courage. Several other women in The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Sessions were like, “Yes, BTR, BTR.” I mean, one woman even said, “I didn’t even know if I’d be alive if it wasn’t for BTR.” What Betrayal Trauma Recovery offers to betrayed women is amazing.
Anne: It is. That makes me feel so honored and humbled to hear that because when I started this, it was just in an effort to make sense of what had happened to me when I couldn’t get help from other therapists, when I couldn’t get help from anywhere else.
Making Progress Toward Healthy Body Image
Women have been trying to get to safety for years, but because they were given the wrong information, they weren’t able to make any progress.
They were just spinning their wheels. And all of our coaches here make it a safe space for women to start making their way to safety in a way that they’ve never attempted to before.
Katherine: Yeah. And I tell you, knowledge is power. I believe courage is contagious. And when you get into group with these women, and maybe they’re a few steps ahead and you see the courage, it’s like, I think I can do that too. And it’s just so empowering.
Anne: It is and the living free workshop is incredible and women are using those strategies to make progress.
It’s just humbling to see so many women making progress. So, thank you so much for sharing your experience and thank you for coming on today’s episode.
Katherine: Thank you so much. It was fun. It was an honor.
When Betrayal Affects how You See Yourself
Anne: Alright, Courtney, it’s your turn. I had an amazing experience with Courtney. She actually runs Bra Fittings by Court and
when I was with my ex and I was being traumatized constantly, I never wanted to wear a bra. But since I am in this new stage of self care after emotional abuse, I went to get a fitting by court and Courtney, I wanted to talk about that. So welcome Courtney.
Courtney: Thanks. Thank you for having me on.
When Betrayal Affects how You View Yourself
Anne: Courtney runs bra fittings by court, an amazing service that she does to help women who are stressed out or need help with choosing bras. Tell me how you discovered that you have such an amazing talent for fitting women.
Courtney: So when I was in college, I got a job at Nordstrom in the lingerie department. Little did I know that that job would literally change my life. I quickly found that fitting bras is more than selling brass. It’s a lot more complicated than that. There’s a lot emotion involved in it. It’s kind of a intimate process. You’re seeing women in their most vulnerable state their shirt off. I found that I was really good at helping women feel comfortable. Most women were never taught how bras should fit and that 99% of women are wearing the wrong size bra.
And so I found that I was educating these women on how to dress their bodies and how to take care of their BOMs. I felt like I was giving back to the world. I felt like I was making a small difference in the world by helping women feel more confident and beautiful. This is my way to make a small difference in the world.
Anne: I think you’re making a large difference. Like for me it made a huge difference. I had such a good time. We did have a good time.
Treating Body Image Issues is A healing experience in many ways
Anne: Getting undressed in front of you and having you put a bra on me was so healing in so many ways. So you now have a bra shop in your home called Bosom Friends. Yes, it’s a beautiful shop. Just being in there made me happy. The colors, there’s this big sign on the wall that says you’re like really pretty <laugh>. I thought, thank you. I really love this. How does helping women with their bra problems relate to self-care?
Courtney: Most women are busy. They don’t have a lot of time. And so a lot of women hate going bra shopping, which I completely understand because a lot of places, places like Walmart, target, Kohl’s, those places don’t have a large range of sizes. So that’s why it’s harder for women. It’s really stressful.
And if you’re already burdened emotionally going through trauma, that’s the last thing you wanna worry about is having to do research because you’re not guaranteed to get somebody to help you that knows what they’re doing. I recommend this some other places for people to go get fitted and they went and like that was an awful experience. And the reason why is because I feel like a lot of these places, those high turnover and there’s just not the experience that you need in a fitter that can really help people and understand how different styles of bras are gonna fit different women. Bra shopping is overwhelming because there’s so many different components to it.
Healing Body Image Issues after Betrayal
Anne: Well, I felt like I was being like, thank you, pampered by you. Like I’ve never felt like that when I went bra shopping. And the size that you fitted me in is completely different than any other size I’ve ever thought about. Like I didn’t think that was my size.
Courtney: Do you want to tell them what size you were in and then what size you are now?
Anne: Yeah, I don’t know what size I was in. So you were at 30. What size was I in? Okay, so let, let’s just talk about my bra issues my whole life. So I’ve always considered myself very small chested, which I liked. I’ve never felt like I wanted to be any bigger or anything, but I don’t fill the cup, right?
And my straps always fall off. And just the thought of a bra just stressed me out. I, I have cursed the man who invented corsets, you know, way back in the day like why? Why have you done this to us? Anyway, the bra that Courtney fitted me with, and I don’t even wanna say it ’cause I don’t wanna make anyone feel bad, but I feel like it’s the perfect size. Like if you asked what is the most beautiful, perfect size you would be this.
And that’s the one I’m wearing. It was a 32 double D like that is like amazing. Like who? Who has that perfect size? And now I’m like, oh, I wrote in my gratitude journal today. I am grateful that I have the perfect boob.
Courtney: I mean I was telling you, that I wish I was your size because like the perfect size really, but that’s just me <laugh>.
We Don’t Need Therapy for Body Image Issues, We Can Just Know This
Anne: So I’m here to tell you that here’s a woman who you’ve been listening to for months, maybe over a year who was abused and whose husband refused to tell her that she was beautiful. Literally I was like, I want you to tell me I’m beautiful.
And he said, no like just awful things that were done to me and I have the perfect boobs. So don’t think that if you had the perfect size whatever, or if you looked a certain way that the abuse would stop or that your husband would stop looking at porn. That is not true. It’s true. Everyone should love where they’re at. Well, and also to accept ourselves where we are and to know that we’re enough.
But like having this experience and going from being emotionally abused and having trauma for seven years to the point where I wasn’t wearing bras where I wasn’t putting makeup on, hardly ever where I just kind of slumped around with my shoulders really slumped forward because I wasn’t wearing a bra even when I went to the store or even when I went outta the house.
The messages I always got were, you are too much
So I didn’t really wanna be indecent so I slumped forward so I wasn’t scaring everyone with my braless boobs to being like, oh my word. Like I am wearing a bra and it is this perfect size for me and I am feeling so, I don’t know, empowered almost is so different for me after seven years, well almost nine years, I don’t know.
I always say my new years wrong depending on when I was in the relationship and then after the relationship, but slumping around feeling like I wanted to take up less space. A lot of women who are abused, they get messages like, you are not enough. And the messages I always got were, you are too much. And so I always just wanted to make, try and make myself smaller.
Courtney: Like that’s why you were slumping over to hide what you, you know, to be invisible. You didn’t wanna cause attention or anything.
Prioritizing YOU
Anne: Yeah, totally. And so this place where I can hold my shoulders back and hold my head up high and know that I’m not like indecent because I actually have a bra on so I’m not scaring anybody and it fit was just so cool. I’m really excited to be at this point in my healing process.
Now for our listeners, wherever you are in your healing process, please don’t let this podcast turn you off to the podcast because I myself was in this place of, I don’t really wanna talk about the way I look, I don’t wanna talk about the way I eat, I don’t wanna talk about exercise, I don’t wanna talk about anything right now. Like the only thing I can do right now is survive and so many women are in that stage.
Why Is Healing Body Image Issues After Betrayal Important?
So when you want to and when you feel like coming out of that, and it may take years, it took me years, then a bra fitting might be a really cool celebration activity for you to like throw off the old and bring in the new. Courtney, why is the bra the most important thing women wear?
Courtney: It does a really hard job. It holds up your bosoms all day long. That’s why they’re so important because you’ll like more put together, your clothes will look better, you can feel more confident and comfortable doing the things you wanna do. I have a lot of women who come into my shop that want to be active. They want to exercise, they wanna work on their fitness and their health, but they don’t feel comfortable doing so because their breast size makes it so that they feel really comfortable exercising.
They feel like their boobs are floppy in the air or you know they’re in the way. And so getting a sports bra that fits in that can make it so that they can feel comfortable exercising is life changing. It really can change women’s lives. And that’s why my slogan on my website is, I am changing lives when I’m bra fitting at a time because it gives people the courage, the freedom, and the confidence to do what they wanna do in their life.
When you compare yourself to Media, you’re always gonna lose
Anne: I think our audience probably has, depending on the woman, depending on the situation, has a lot of issues with bras too because their husbands are sex addicts and pornography users, right? So when you compare yourself to porn, you’re always gonna lose. Betrayal causes body image issues. There’s no way to win.
Porn is staged women who are likely on drugs, who are being exploited. Like having these parts of our body be something that our husband wants to use is such a difficult thing. And this profiting for me was a way to take my body back, to give it back to myself and to take care of myself rather than this is part of my body that is for someone else or for some other use.
I feel like this is part of me and how I can cope with betrayal trauma. I can integrate it back into myself and use it as part of my healing rather than disown it almost as a thing that’s for someone else’s use.
Why Is Bra Shopping Triggering?
Which I think it feels like a lot of times when you’re married to someone who’s an addict, who’s not in recovery, who’s using you as a drug rather than seeing you as a person to be cherished and loved and cared for. I think another reason why bra shopping is so triggering for women in at least my audience here listening is the advertising or seeing other women in their brass or whatever
And so it’s been interesting to go to your Instagram account, right? And see women in their bras. That is part of what is super triggery for many women in the situation. So I just wanna first of all do a trigger warning with also a notice that I think the more healed we get, the more we can realize that this is for me rather than worry about what our husband’s thinking or doing or how it’s affecting someone else.
embrace bras as a necessity: not just primarily for other people’s gratification.
Courtney:
On my website, the message that I try to convey from my business and on my Instagram is that our society think of bras as sexual and so on my Instagram, I really try to show that they’re not just sexual. I really try to embrace that bras are more of a necessity and that they’re not just primarily for other people’s gratification. I really try to convey that, showing how bras can really help us to feel more confident.
Anne:
And that’s what I really appreciated, rather than having it be for someone else’s gratification.
Courtney: Thank you.
I am enough and I don’t have to be anything else to be lovable
Anne: If anyone is doing it right, Courtney is. I immediately came home and told my mom, you have got to go do this. Knowing that I am enough and that whatever size I am is enough. I don’t need to be anything else to be lovable, to be cherished, and that I can find a bra that fits me where I’m at. I don’t have to be different in order to fit in the perfect bra rather than the other way around.
Going bra shopping and thinking, ugh, because I am damaged and I am not perfect. I’m never going to be able to find the bra that fits because bras only fit perfect women. I’m no longer going to let my stance against inappropriate media get in the way of my own self-care.
0 Comments