Parents are rightfully concerned about their children’s safety. If you’re searching for tips on teaching children how to set boundaries, here’s what you need to know.
Children Need To Set Boundaries to Keep Themselves Safe
Here are four practical and empowering boundaries strategies when teaching children how to set boundaries:
- Body awareness with basic hygiene, health, and safety concepts
- The dangers of inappropriate media on the Internet and apps
- Personal Safety – prevention awareness of safe boundaries for private parts
- Educate children about emotional and psychological abuse. To learn about the 19 different types of emotional abuse, take our free emotional abuse quiz.
transcript: Teaching Children How To Set Boundaries
Anne: Today I have Kimberly Perry, author of Say No and Tell, a creative view of personal safety for Maisie. That’s the girl’s version, and Daxton for boys. After teaching personal safety to over 1,000 elementary school students, she was inspired to write the Say No and Tell book series. We’re talking about teaching children how to set boundaries. Welcome, Kimberly.
Kimberly: Thank you, Anne, for having me.
Anne: So, I have these two books, Say No and Tell Daxton and Say No and Tell Maisie, in my home, and I’ve used it with my sons and my daughter. These books are incredible for helping children. Kimberly, why did you decide to write a book about personal safety for young kids?
Kimberly: The statistics were shocking to me. How can it be that at least 2 out of every 10 girls and 1 out of every 10 boys are estimated to be sexually abused before their 14th birthday? According to Child Protective Services, every 8 minutes they respond to a sexual abuse report. According to the CDC, about 1 in 6 boys and 1 in 4 girls are sexually abused before the age of 18.
While serving as a health and physical education teacher in the Michigan public school system, I taught a unit called personal safety to over a thousand elementary students. I wondered why I had not been taught these prevention strategies when I was a child.
Sexual abuse can be physical sexual abuse. Which most of us think of when we hear that term. It can also be non physical sexual abuse, which is what a child might see, such as pornography. Or what a child might hear, which would be inappropriate language about private parts from a grown up to a child.
Empowering Families with Personal Safety
Kimberly: So with my experience of teaching these children and seeing the statistics, I want to share the message of personal safety for grownups, kids, and families, so they can be empowered. Like I mentioned earlier, it’s not just the physical body abuse. It’s the non physical, which includes pornography, and can be a grooming technique that a predator may use to groom a child into child sexual abuse.
Anne: That’s fantastic. I can use it to meet my kids where they are when teaching children how to set boundaries and concepts that I think apply to various personal safety issues. Sexual abuse, of course, included in that, but in my case, emotional abuse. I’m grateful that this gives such great examples, and then the concepts are applicable to many situations for kids’ safety.
Kimberly: Anne, I am so delighted to hear you say that, because I want you to tailor it to what you need, your family values, your family terminology, and your story. So for instance, you were talking about abuse in general.
Well, boundaries is one of those concepts. Boundaries define our personal property. And they allow us to take care of it by setting limits on others and internal limits within ourselves. So we teach our kids self control. That would be an example of an internal limit, the boundary of saying no defines ownership. It lets others know that we exist apart from them and are in control. So whether emotionally, mentally, spiritually, or physically, boundaries are important. So that we know where we begin and someone else ends.
Structure of the Say No and Tell Books
Kimberly: Within the book, there are three parts basically. Part one is the story where Maisie and Daxton in their own separate books embark on a journey of growing up, and their bodies change and prepare to migrate. The parents teach them personal safety before they go, and throughout you’ll see open-ended questions where you can define your terminology and values. You can pick and choose what you feel your child is ready to hear, depending on what age. When teaching children how to set boundaries.
Part 2 of the book has 8 scenarios in which I research the predator, and turn those tactics into life skills for kids. So that we go on the offensive and not just be defensive. Some examples of the scenarios are privacy, private moments, guarding your eyes and ears. What is a safe secret versus an unsafe secret? What is a bribe, a threat and what is a safe game, etc?
And then finally, the third section has solutions with numerous tools. There’s a quiz, a personal safety family plan, resources, and then a removable section for grown ups with all kinds of statistics. As well as practical ideas of how do I talk to my kid about body awareness? What do I say?
Anne: I loved when I got to the safe secrets part, because we have a rule in our family: our family has no secrets. We call things for birthdays or presents fun surprises. So when I got to that section in your book, I was able to say there are no secrets. We only have safe surprises. So I changed the wording there to match our own family’s terminology of what I’ve been using for years.
Teaching Childeren How To Set Boundaries: Family Rules and Safe Secrets
Anne: And it was so validating to share that in a book with my kids, because I hadn’t seen that in a book. So that was cool.
Kimberly: And Anne, you picked up on one of the themes throughout the book. You’ll notice the repetition, which in my training as an educator, is that repetition is important for our brains so that we memorize. You’ll see over and over again. Tell and keep telling until it stops. It might seem overdone, but for it to become part of what they do when there is a questionable encounter. Or something traumatizing.
Our amygdala kicks in and we’re in this fight or flight. And it’s really nice to know this simple “tell and keep telling until it stops,” these kinds of slogans can pop into their minds and help them to move into action.
As I involve myself more and more with this movement to protect kids and end sexploitation, there seems to be consensus that it’s not too young to begin around preschool through the elementary ages, so ages three to nine. Particularly when you notice a child becoming curious about the body and gender differences. Which can be very early on and is a natural part of developing body awareness. It’s key to affirm this stage and phase that it’s not shameful.
Teaching children how to set boundaries, rather than reproduction, safe touches. Which feel comfortable telling them your body belongs to you. It’s okay to say no, thank you to any touches, whether it’s a safe touch or especially an unsafe touch. If they don’t feel like having a hug, they don’t have to have a hug.
Teaching Kids About Body Autonomy
Kimberly: That way they know they are responsible for their body. And also that privacy is okay, as they’re becoming more independent. Then they can learn about having privacy. When teaching children how to set boundaries.
Anne: Yeah, I have found that three is not too young. It’s cute, because my two year old calls a penis a peanut, because she can’t quite talk. Her brother’s four. And so she’ll say, Mom, where’s my peanut? And I’ll say, you don’t have a penis because you’re a girl.
Kimberly: That’s cute.
Anne: The other thing I think is funny, and I appreciate it about your book, is that my sons hate mermaids. And my seven year old is like, Mom, I do not know who invented mermaids. They are ridiculous. They only have those shells for breast covers. I do not like them. So I think that’s cute that they can talk about when they feel uncomfortable. They have the words to describe their discomfort or curiosity, which I think is important for kids.
Kimberly: And teaching kids about their instincts. That uh oh feeling deep down in their belly, and encouraging them to learn to trust that. That is letting them know that something is not right, and they need to talk to somebody and tell them and get help. You’ll also want to note that this book does not cover reproduction which is saved for an age appropriate time at your discretion.
Anne: Even though these books don’t cover reproduction, there are other age appropriate books that do, so I appreciate that these talk specifically about unsafe touching, and that I can apply that to the different situations.
Teaching Children How To Set boundaries: Practical Tips for Parents
Anne: Because talking to kids is so important, what do parents need to know? When they’re teaching children how to set boundaries and what to do when they’re exposed to a questionable encounter.
Kimberly: The simplest way I boiled it down to: say no, get away, tell, and keep telling. When I thought and prayed about this jingle, I wanted it short, sweet, and rhyme, but also something that packed a punch and wasn’t leaving anything out.
The way it’s read is, say no and get away if you can, tell someone and keep telling until it stops, take a stand. So the rhyme goes, say no, get away if you can, tell someone and keep telling until it stops, take a stand. And that last part is important, because often times kids statistics show they often share with a friend that’s their age, or they seldom tell. So even if it is reported, it doesn’t mean it’s always reported to the right person to stop it.
Teaching Children How to Set Boundaries: Develop Safety Protocols
Kimberly: You want to ensure your child has their address memorized and their phone number. You will want to develop a family code word for danger. For instance, if your child is at a play date or an overnight sleepover. They can check in with you and say whatever word you have would be the code for, Come pick me up, things are not going great.
And it is also important to develop some sort of check-in rule of at a certain time. Or you text each other to see how it’s going when they’re away from you. It’s also important that kids know how to dial 9 1 1. And you tell them the safe caregivers and trusted grown ups in your lives. When you are teaching children how to set boundaries.
And choose five of them, where you write their name and phone numbers. This is a significant distinguishing point: if anyone ever tries an unsafe touch, whether physical or non physical, that person is no longer safe.
Anne: Yep, I talk to my children about that quite a bit. It’s not just about strangers. Statistically speaking, a child is more likely to be abused by someone they know than by a stranger.
Kimberly: Yeah, 90 percent of children who are victims of sexual abuse know their abuser.
Anne: Yeah, making sure kids are safe from strangers and being abducted is important. But 90 percent of the time, it’s going to be someone they know. So talking about how to determine whether someone is safe, and if they seem safe, but they’re actually unsafe. Those are important things to talk about, absolutely.
New Training Workbook for Organizations
Anne: So tell me about your new book. A training workbook intended for clergy or teachers.
Kimberly: This training workbook is designed for any grown ups working with children within organizations. However, I’ve found that many parents have also been buying the book to train themselves personally. When they’re teaching children how to set boundaries.
Youth pastors can train their children’s ministry volunteers. You could train your karate club and all the staff members working there or a soccer club. Any staff members or grownups working with kids with an organization will benefit.
The positive feedback was supportive. There was a man who came up to me afterwards, and this is what he said about the training. He says, I’ve always felt this was institutional denial, and it’s almost universal. This is the first time in 35 years of regular church attendance that I’ve learned that there are well developed materials available to combat this problem.
He was referring to the Me Too movement. Penn State University, Michigan State University and the gymnasts with Larry Nassar and institutional denial. He has seen that as a concern over the years, even though it’s a sensitive topic. He was delighted that we were beginning the conversation. The most important part is to learn the child friendly language. What I like to tell parents is that the kids, the grown ups, and the organizations, even though there is discomfort and taking the time to learn about preventing child sexual abuse.
Real-Life Stories & Feedback
Kimberly: As I’m researching it, and when I’m sharing the books with people, I cannot tell you how many people have shared with me their personal stories. People up in their seventies, all the way down to their twenties and thirties, sharing with me their personal stories of child sexual abuse that they’ve never told anyone before.
We want to make the term personal safety commonplace or familiar on two fronts, both inside the home and outside the home. As you mentioned earlier, there are the two Say No and Tell children’s books inside the home. This new launch of the training workbook is for training outside the home. Anyone can present this boundaries and personal safety workshop and take the preventative steps to safeguard against child sexual abuse by empowering everyone in your organization.
For instance, you want to do an environmental scan where you go through and rope off vulnerable places within the environment. You want to come up with a code of conduct for interacting with children. And this could be tailored for infants, toddlers, elementary age, or teens. And that way everyone understands the protocols. For instance, when a third grader needs to take a bathroom break, what needs to happen and what does that look like?
It’s important for everyone to understand what those are so that everyone’s on the same page. When teaching children how to set boundaries.
A mom of a 16 year old, one of the slogans she learned is that telling is not tattling. And so there was a social media incident. She explained to her daughter, please let me know what’s going on. And she said, telling is not tattling. And they were able to intervene within this questionable social media interaction.
Teaching Children How To Set Boundaries: More Real-Life Stories
Kimberly: And there was another mom who read the say no and tell book, a mother of a sixth grader. And a similar situation where she took in the content and then made it her own for a daughter who’s a little older. They were at the pool swimming, and there was a man staring uncomfortably at their daughter.
The daughter had the courage to go up to her parents and say, I’m feeling uncomfortable, he’s staring at me. She was so uncomfortable, she was trying to hide behind her parents, and they discussed it more. It was neat, because they had that communication where she could recognize that uh oh feeling and that instinct inside of her saying, there’s something not right here.
Not only are we instilling in children that it’s okay and safe to tell. But if that first person doesn’t believe you, or the second or the third person, then you’ve got to keep telling. Until the right person believes you and will make it stop.
Anne: Applying it to my own situation, where I was married to an abusive man for seven years, and talked to people about it. I kept talking about it, and I didn’t know at the time that it was abuse. I didn’t describe it that way, because I didn’t have the words to say that at the time.
Until I finally figured out what was going on, and that was just simply thanks to my ex husband being arrested. Because of his arrest, I finally got the clarity I needed. I was so happy to see that in that jingle, keep telling until it stops, because that is what I did. And I think it kept me a lot safer than if I hadn’t said anything.
Finding words to describe it
Anne: I needed support. If you need the support of talking to women who understand, join our Betrayal Trauma Recovery live group sessions.
When kids start telling, they might not have the words to describe it. They might not come to you and say, I’m being sexually abused, right? They might not have those words. I pray that all victims of abuse can continue to try and talk about it to the best of their ability until they have the words for it. Or until a helper gives them the right words, and teaching children how to set boundaries.
Kimberly: That example you gave is powerful, because it parallels exactly what we’re talking about. I was at the Coalition to End Sexual Exploitation in Washington, D.C., and one of the speakers shared a quote that I thought was interesting. When it comes to trafficking and child abuse, whether it’s a boy or a girl that’s a child or a man and a woman, it’s the same person, it’s just a different stage of life.
Abuse is abuse, no matter at what point in time we’re learning it. It’s a powerful tool, because at that point, we can actually begin to change the trajectory of our life. And up until then, like you said, we just don’t know. Kids don’t know what’s happening. They’re not understanding what’s going on.
They’re not sure how to say it or who to tell. And you understand the lies, the isolation. There are threats that keep us trapped. The more we can have these conversations, train, empower and bring it into the light. We can help ourselves, but also the next generation.
Anne: Thank you so much, Kimberly, for coming on the podcast today.
Kimberly: Thank you. I really enjoyed it.
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