Women who discover their husband’s infidelity might wonder, what does the Bible say about divorce? If you’re experiencing this type of emotionally and psychologically abusive behavior from your husband, here are some scriptures from the Bible about divorce you need to know.

If you’re considering divorce, it’s important to determine if you’re experiencing emotional abuse. Take our free emotional abuse quiz.

Transcript: What Does The Bible Say About Divorce?

Anne: It’s just me today. Many women want to know. What does the Bible say about divorce? Regarding divorce, the Bible can be interpreted in different ways, but I wonder if we take a step back. And look at all the other issues related to what our husband is doing. And then maybe that is what the Bible says about divorce.

For example, I did an episode called What Does the Bible Say About Boundaries in Marriage? Divorce is a boundary. And in that episode, I talked a lot about how God commands women to separate themselves from evil, so it may not necessarily say the word divorce. But he is commanding us to separate ourselves from people who would harm us. Betrayal Trauma Recovery is interfaith and inter paradigm. So, if you don’t want to hear Christian scriptures, skip this episode. I happen to be Christian.

And so reading scriptures helps me process things. But if you’re not, and want to skip this episode, go ahead and do that. A lot of times I speak from a secular place, so everybody feels welcome here. And I welcome everyone’s experience. The rest of this episode is from a recording I did years ago when I was still processing what was happening to me. I was reading the scriptures a lot to try to find peace and hope. And through doing that, I discovered the strategies I now teach in The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Living Free Workshop.

And through those strategies, I believe God completely delivered my children and me, from my ex’s abuse. That we were still experiencing eight years post divorce.

Personal Journey & Strategies

Anne: These strategies work, whether you’re married or divorced. And they work whether you’re Christian or not. When I taught the strategies in the Living Free Workshop, I did not teach them in a religious context. I just taught them. This is the strategy, and this is how you implement it. The intent is to help you determine your husband’s true character, to see it. And many of the scriptures I studied years ago that you’ll hear in this recording today. Things about what the Bible says about divorce, and to perceive things accurately.

And that is my goal for all women, regardless of their faith or paradigm. How can we accurately perceive our husband’s character? And then what strategies do we need to use to protect ourselves? And if you’re interested in listening to what I sounded like years ago and how I was processing these things, then join me in learning what the Bible say about divorce. Here’s that recording:

I was studying the New Testament from the Bible, and those who are not Christian, hopefully you can still glean some wisdom and insight from my studies. I want to dedicate this episode to some of the verses that I read. They are applicable to our situation. Similarly, there are some very misogynistic verses in the Bible, particularly by Paul. I will not focus on those today.

If you’re wondering about these scriptures that say women should be silent, they shouldn’t speak in church, or they should obey their husbands, read the book, Jesus Feminist by Sarah Bessie. That is on our website, btr.org/ books. You want to be sure you are reading the right kind of Christian intimacy books. She really puts all those types of scriptures in context, and I don’t want to focus on those today.

God’s Boundaries for Safety

Anne: If you’ve read those scriptures and thought, what is going on with these verses? What is the Bible really saying about divorce? I highly recommend that book. What I wanted to talk about was scriptures that can bring us comfort. And also help us know what the bible says about boundaries in marriage. that setting boundaries is God’s way of helping us stay safe. I believe God is a God of boundaries, and the commandments are to protect ourselves. And they’re also to protect other people. So for example, if we do not lie, we are protecting other people, and it is a way to show love for ourselves and our fellow men.

So as I go through some of these scriptures, you’ll see some patterns emerge. I read from the King James Version, so if you use a different translation or version, I’ll just say the scriptures and the verses. So I’m going to start in Matthew 5. This one struck me. This is the Sermon on the Mount, and 10 and 11 apply to us. It says, “Blessed are they which are persecuted for righteousness sake, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.”

“Blessed are ye. When men shall revile you and persecute you, and shall say all manner of evil against you falsely for my sake.” Now, when it says for my sake, I believe that is the sake of truth. I also believe in an afterlife, and I believe this life that we have now is hell. Like, it’s the worst it’s ever going to get right now. And that helps bring me peace. Some people might call it the spirit, some women who are not religious might just call it their gut or their intuition.

What the bible says about divorce: Trusting our intuition

Anne: If we can learn to trust our intuition or the spirit, it will be the most accurate way to discern truth. I know of a woman who had no proof affairs. He was a high-up member in her church and community, and also a seminary teacher. He had a ministry. She decided to file for divorce just on her gut alone, having absolutely no proof. And people called her crazy, her kids called her crazy, her church leaders called her crazy. She is one of the bravest women I know.

Her courage is inspiring to me. She has been reviled, she’s been persecuted. All manner of evil has been said against her, falsely. For Christ’s sake, or for the truth’s sake. We have obviously talked about Matthew 5:28 on the podcast, saying that watching anything to get turned on is adultery. This is what the bible says about cheating husbands. Christ says himself in that verse, “Whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart.” This is what the bible says about infidelity and divorce.

We know exploitative materials use or lusting is not something to be taken lightly. It is an abuse of trust. In Matthew 6:22, it says, “The light of the body is the eye. If therefore thine eye be single, thy whole body shall be full of light.” Then verse 23, “But if thine eye be evil, thy whole body shall be full of darkness. If therefore the light that is in thee be darkness, how great is that darkness.”

You can see infographics that explain many of the other concepts I teach on the podcast on our social media channels. You can find us on Instagram @btr.org_ or on YouTube just search btr.org just click the link and you’ll find our channel.

Four Pillars of Abuse

Anne: I’ll explain the four pillars of abuse. There’s a good infographic on social media. The infographics are on this podcast episode. The four pillars of abuse are number one, entitlement and objectification. I’m entitled to it. This is an object. I’m entitled to a woman cleaning the bathrooms, to her cooking. I’m entitled to view her as an object. I deserve it. That type of mindset. The second pillar is control, manipulation, lies, and secrecy.

Calculated behaviors to try to control an outcome. It’s goal oriented good guy facade. I’m going to manipulate other people’s perception of me by showing up at church, by doing service. It’s calculated because it includes lies and secrecy. The third pillar of abuse is lack of integrity, both relational and personal. If they say they are true to their wife, but they’re visiting prostitutes or masturbating. Then that is another way they abuse that relationship or trust.

The fourth pillar of abuse is lack of accountability. They have no empathy, no remorse, and they do not make restitution when they hurt somebody. So when we talk about those four pillars of abuse, you can see that eye is not single and full of light. Those four pillars of abuse make it so he’s not able to perceive things accurately. The way they perceive the world makes it so their whole body is full of darkness. I would say my ex is like completely and totally delusional.

He cannot view the world from a perspective of truth or accuracy. The way he interprets the world isn’t accurate. This is a way of looking at the world, and it’s systemic, and it’s societal. The Bible says to divorce yourself from wickedness.

Financial & Personal Struggles

Anne: So, “trying to help” a man stop viewing the world this way is impossible. They have to do it themselves. The man has to admit that the way he views the world is skewed. In that same chapter, Matthew chapter 6:31 through 34, I love this. It helps me when I get stressed about finances, which I don’t have at all. And my house is disgusting. The structure is my dream house, but the actual inside is old and gross. Like I have carpet under my dining room table, and it bothers me.

And I dream day in and day out of replacing that with luxury vinyl planks. That’s what I’m looking forward to. It really stresses me out, but right now I can’t do anything about it. And I can’t do anything about my long-term financial future right now. All I can do is take a step at a time. I was at the point four years ago where I didn’t know how to pay for groceries. I didn’t know how I would pay for my house payment.

So I’ve been there. Now I can pay for groceries, which is great. I can pay my house payment, but there are other things that I’m stressed about. So no matter what stage you are at, this scripture may or may not help.

In the Bible, it says about divorce: Verse 31. “Therefore, take no thought saying what shall we eat or what shall we drink or wherewithal shall we be clothed? For your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things, but seek ye first the kingdom of God.” And I’ll say there, seek ye first the truth. It says, “but seek ye first the kingdom of God and his righteousness.”

What does the bible say about divorce? Living in the Now

Anne: For those who are atheists or not religious, perhaps the way to say this would be, but seek ye first truth. “And all these things shall be added unto you. Take therefore no thought for the morrow, for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself.”

One way to put this is we’re in this eternal moment of now. It’s always now. It’s never going to be tomorrow. When I was so traumatized and having a difficult time just functioning,

I had a friend who would say, “Let’s look at right now. Do you have a roof over your head right now?” And I would say yes, and she’d say, “Do you have food right now? Are you hungry?” And I’d be like, no, I ate. “Do you have water right now?” And I’d be like, yes, I have water right now. Taking one moment at a time when the trauma is extreme really helped me. And studying the scriptures.

Because there’s no other way to do it. There’s no other way but through. And I love this, because if we focus on now, especially when the trauma is intense, we will eventually come out of the fog. And all we have to worry about is right now. So, this always now idea, I think, is what this scripture is talking about. And it can help us get through the trauma. The now principle still applies to me. I’m concerned about my disgusting carpet, but I can say, right now I can go for a walk. Right now I can take care of myself, all right.

Frustrations with Prayer

Anne: Matthew 7 is rough. I’m going to preface this part with, I hate scriptures like this, because I believe them. And then I do what it says, and I don’t get what I want. And it irks me, and it frustrates me, and it makes me very mad.

So in Matthew 7, verses 7 through 10, in the Bible, it says this that can be applied to divorce, and probably all of you have done this, and probably most of you feel the same way about it, but seven says, “Ask and it shall be given unto you. Seek and you shall find. Knock and it shall be opened unto you for everyone that asketh receiveth and he, that seeketh Findeth, and to him, that knocketh if shall it be opened.”

So I’m sure many of you have gone to church, or someone, a friend has said, have you prayed about it? And you look at them and roll your eyes, and you’re like, oh, good idea. I never thought about that. Of course, you’ve prayed about it. If you believe in God, you have knelt down, you have bawled your eyes out, you have screamed and yelled to God. Of course, you have prayed about it, have asked. Of course you have begged God for help. You’ve begged him for miracles.

And this scripture says, “Ask and it shall be given unto you.” Now, if you’re like me and you’re like, this is a bunch of bullcrap, like I pray and pray and pray, and it doesn’t happen. I really don’t know what to say, actually, except for that in spite of how frustrated I get, in spite of how it seems like some people pray and they have answers.

Gratitude For What i Went Through

Anne: Some people pray and their husband’s like, oh, I’ve been terrible. And they start taking accountability and being honest. I thought that happened to me. For those who know my whole story, there was a stint of five years where I thought that was happening. Like, he seemed humble. He seemed honest. But he wasn’t. He was grooming me that whole time, but he seemed like it. So there are a few big giant prayers that I have prayed. I’ve searched and prayed.

One is for a righteous, noble, non-abusive man to come into my life. To have a beautiful friendship and relationship that is kind, loving, and amazing. I’ve prayed that prayer so many times, and it has not been given to me. So do I just take this scripture and throw it out the window and say, okay, I’m going to stop praying? Or do I say maybe I’m not ready, or maybe God is preparing this for me. Or maybe it won’t be in this life? But I will say this morning I felt the most, like, amazing sense of gratitude for what I had been through.

And an amazing sense of gratitude for my ex-husband, because I feel like where I am now, I am so much healthier. I’m so much happier. I have so much more knowledge and wisdom. This is what I have gained from studying the Bible about divorce. Now, I’m not the wisest or most knowing. I have a long way to go. But I’m so much better prepared now. And I don’t know if I could have had that deep and abiding, kind, loving relationship before. And maybe I could have it now. I don’t know. I don’t know. Maybe he’s preparing me for it. Maybe he’s not. I don’t know.

What does the bible say aout divorce: Choosing to Believe

Anne: When it comes to these types of scriptures, I have to make a choice. Do I believe in God and do I believe this scripture? I can choose yes or no. The choice I make is yes. I choose to believe, to trust that the prayers I am saying. Even though it doesn’t feel like it, I’m mad, and I’m frustrated. That really when it comes down to it, God listens to my prayers and has my best interest at heart.

And the things happening in my life are happening for my good. Now that sounds like trying to placate a victim to get her to shut up. But it also might be a loving God who is leading me, guiding me, with the Bible and his words on divorce. And taking me to a better place. I’m going to choose to believe that. And the reason I’m going to believe that is because I think it’s true. Also, the alternative is so dark, depressing, and sad, and it makes me sad. And where is that going to get me? I don’t want to go that route.

At least for me, I just make a choice. And that choice, I believe, leads me in a better direction. So 9 and 10 say, “Or what man is there of you whom if his son ask bread will he give him a stone?” And in 10, “or if he ask a fish will he give him a serpent?” Everyone here feels like they’ve asked God for bread, and God has given them rocks. Everyone here feels like they asked for a fish, and God gave them a serpent. We’ve all felt like that. We feel like we’re praying, we’re praying, we’re praying, and we’re getting rocks. Or we’re getting snakes.

Answers To Prayers

Anne: When I feel like that, it humbles me. Humbles me to the point where I kneel down and say, Okay, I feel like I’m getting rocks, and I feel like I’m getting snakes. What I want is bread. And I want fish. So what do I need to learn? Please teach me. Please guide me. So currently, with these scriptures from the Bible about divorce, what I’m considering, help me understand what you want me to think. What you want me, God, to see. How can I remove these ways in which I perceive things that may be incorrect, and start viewing things truthfully?

And truth be told, so many of my prayers have been answered. The prayers that always get answered in my house are prayers for lost objects. I know that sounds ridiculous, but every time we lose something, I tell my son, hey, pray, let’s try and find, it could be anything, a library book, an earring, whatever. In fact, I lost one of my favorite earrings, we said a prayer, and my son found it. On the floor, it was a tiny little, cubic zirconium. I don’t even know if that’s how you say it, but, like, little fake diamond stud.

Which should have been impossible to find. He found it. I love the little prayers that get answered, because I think, okay, God always answers my prayers when I ask Him to help me find something. He does, and I think that’s funny. So, if you’re thinking, He never answers my prayers. Are there types of prayers answered? For me, it’s finding objects. There are other types of prayers that are frequently, quickly answered. In fact, I remember one clearly.

Collective Prayers for Truth

Anne: I was skiing in a big bowl, and there was lots of powder, and I lost my ski. We looked and looked and looked, and I couldn’t find it. I was giving up hope. It had been a long time. And I thought, oh, I need to pray. I prayed, stood up. Walked over, stuck my hand in the snow, and pulled out my ski. So, does God answer my prayers? Does He hear me? The answer to that is yes. And I don’t know why some of my prayers have not been answered. But I do know that many of them have been.

I encourage all of us to think about the collective prayers we are all saying, because we’re all saying the same prayer. When will truth win? When will we be protected? And if all of us pray this collective prayer of truth. And we’re all praying this collective prayer of peace, and it’s not being answered. My guess is God has something big in store for all of us. And maybe it will happen for all of us all at once. Maybe he’ll come down and like strike all the abusive men from the earth all at once. I don’t know.

But this is a collective prayer. We’re all praying together. And I want to continue to do that, because I believe I’m choosing to believe. That God is hearing us, because he’s our only hope. We know that the law doesn’t help us, that therapists don’t. We know that like society doesn’t see it. So we know that God is our only option here, so let’s not give up on him. In Matthew nine, in the bible it says about divorce and abusive men.

What does the bible say about divorce? Fear Not the Unrighteous

Anne: “Wherefore, Jesus, knowing their thoughts, said, Wherefore think ye evil in your hearts? Only God can see the heart.” And then in verse 16, “No man putteth a piece of new cloth unto an old garment. For that which is put in to fill it up taketh from the garment, and the rent is made worse. 17 neither do men put new wine in old bottles, else the bottles break, and the new wine runneth out, and the bottles perish. But they put new wine into new bottles and both are preserved.”

So he’s talking about this overall change, right? So if you have someone who is perceiving things incorrectly, you can’t just change one thing about that perception. You have to change the heart and mind. You have to change those perceptions. And I think that is true for us as well. My perceptions have changed a lot. I perceived myself as safe, that my husband was a good guy. I perceived other abusive men as, oh, they just, they need love.

And I didn’t understand boundaries. Like my whole perception has shifted, and that has helped keep me safe. In Matthew 10: 26, in the Bible it says about divorce. We have Christ telling the righteous directly to fear not the unrighteous. He says, “Fear them not, for there is nothing covered that shall not be revealed and hid that shall not be known. Then he tells us, “Are not two sparrows sold for a farthing and one of them shall not fall on the ground without your father, but the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear ye not therefore, for ye are of more value than many sparrows.

Christ’s Invitation for Rest

Anne: The truth will come out. It will come out. I don’t know how. I don’t know when. All of us pray for that. But the important thing is that we walk in truth. That we are shedding our own perceptions that we are becoming healthier. And this one, of course, everyone loves Matthew 11:28 through 30. “Come unto me, all ye that labor, and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me. For I am meek and lowly in heart, and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”

So when I study the scriptures, I underline bad things red. Things that hurt people, they hurt me or they hurt someone else. Then dark purple is boundaries, faith or belief is in orange, so if I’m like oh, this is what I want to do. I don’t know if I believe it, but I’m going to choose to believe this thing. That’s in orange. This has helped me to learn what the Bible says about divorce and abuse.

So in Matthew 15, I have a lot of red, and in verse 8, talking about people who do not live in truth. “This people draweth nigh unto me with their mouth, and honoreth me with their lips, but their heart is far from me. But in vain they do worship me, teaching the doctrines of the commandments of men.” A lot of us have seen this. We have a husband who confesses to love us. They say that, but their actions are different. Or they show up at church and say they love God, but then they’re unwilling to be honest.

Call for Community Insights

Anne: Or to be faithful to their marriage vows. Matthew verse 11, int the Bible says about divorce, “Not that which goeth into the mouth defile a man.” So, for example, you know, what someone hears may or may not hurt them. It does, we know pornography will hurt them. We know that certain things we hear are going to hurt us. It says, “but that which cometh out of the mouth, this defileth a man.”

This is saying we’ll all be exposed to harmful things. In 15:18 he says, “But those things which proceed out of the mouth come forth from the heart, and they defile the man. For out of the heart proceed evil thoughts, murders, adulteries, fornications, thefts, false witness, blasphemies.” These are the things which defile a man, we have experienced this ourselves, men bearing false witness against us. So they’re saying I was a witness to her not loving me or her not respecting me,

I appreciate those who are not religious being patient and listening to these insights that I gained. Those who study the scriptures, I would love to hear your thoughts about how scriptures have helped. And those who aren’t, any quotes you have or insights or maybe books that you study that have helped you heal and find truth for you, would be awesome.

So comment at the end of this transcript. I want to hear what you have to say. We’re all trying to get through this together. And if we can be unified in our desire for truth and justice, then we can change the world together. If you need live support, attend a Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Session, I want to hear your comments, so please comment below.

What does the bible say about divorce? Reflections on the Past

Anne: Listening to myself way back then brings back so many memories of the fear I had and all the worries, and how I was just trying to will myself through the next day. Not knowing what would happen. And looking back now. It’s so painful to think about how I grappled with so many questions and problems. I’m so grateful to be safe where I am now. And know what I know about what the Bible says about divorce.

So again, whether you’re married, divorced or whatever stage you’re in, and no matter what your faith or paradigm is. The Living Free Workshop teaches the strategies in a secular way that works for anyone. Using those strategies helped me find peace. So to learn more, click the link.