If you’re wondering, “What does the bible say about narcissistic abuse?” Here’s a list of scriptures that will help you know what to do next.

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Transcript: What Does The Bible Say About Narcissistic Abuse?

Anne: I am honored to have Leslie Vernick on today’s episode. Welcome, Leslie. We will talk about what does the Bible say about narcissistic abuse.

Leslie: Thanks Anne for having me. I’m so excited to be part of your podcast today. It’s been a personal journey to figure out what God’s word really says. Can you break up with somebody as a Christian, or are you obligated to be in a relationship with a narcissistic abuser for the rest of your life? And so I’ve had to personally struggle with those questions. And work to get rid of the guilt and learn to do what God says.

As Christian women, we’re taught James 3:2. We all struggle in many ways, we’re all broken, we all fail, and so who am I to say your sin is worse than mine? Who am I to judge your actions as abusive? And traditionally in the church, we have not even allowed the categories of sexual abuse or narcissistic abuse in marriage. It’s only if he hits you. Maybe it can be considered abuse, but probably you deserved it.

You aggravated him, pushed his buttons or triggered him. And so maybe you should stop doing that. He wouldn’t hit you.

Anne: Many people think when we say the word safety, that we’re talking about, he doesn’t punch you in the face. But we’re talking about emotional safety. What does the Bible say about narcissistic abuse?

Leslie: I love that the Bible actually talks about the importance of safety, especially in marriage. The verse in Proverbs 31 where it says her husband trusts her to do him good, not harm all the days of his life. That is safety. That’s the rock bottom foundation. And so safety is an important quality to God in relationships.

Common Lies & Misconceptions

Leslie: He created our bodies to react negatively if we’re unsafe. So that we go to safety. But his lies, I’ll just give you some of the most common ones. It’s my fault he acts this way. So if only I were more sexual, adventurous, quieter, more submissive, more beautiful, had bigger boobs or whatever it is. It’s somehow her fault. I just need to try harder. I’m not loving him enough. I’m not doing enough to make this relationship work.

God hates divorce. I married him for better, for worse, and suffering and sacrifice are Christian virtues that I must embrace to keep my family together. What does the Bible say about narcissistic abuse? And that’s a lot of theology, but I think that’s common in women of faith. Whether it’s the Catholic faith or the evangelical Christian faith. Church tell us it’s somehow our duty. And virtuous to sacrifice ourselves to keep our family together.

Anne: So many abusers accuse their victim of being unsafe for them. Like if you were safe enough, I would tell you the truth. But you shame me, and all it is is manipulation. And so that confuses the victim, because she’s like, am I not safe enough? How can I become more “safe” for this man who says it’s my fault he’s not treating me well?

Leslie: Well, he’s going to use this language that he’s going to hear in the therapeutic environment of safety. But he will twist it. So what he’s saying is, if I don’t have a carte blanche to do what I want, it’s somehow her fault. Life doesn’t work that way. But that’s the mindset of the abusers.

Manipulation & Gaslighting

Leslie: Of course, it’s not safe for me to tell you the truth, because I’m going to get in trouble and have consequences. It’s not harmful to hold someone accountable, or to expect them to tell you the truth. When the doctor says, I have bad news for you. You have lung cancer. You have liver cancer. He’s not telling us that to harm us. He’s telling us to help us.

If you tell your husband, your pornography use is ruining my attraction to you, or your pornography use is not okay with me. I don’t want my husband preferring women on the internet to his own wife. When he cheats on you and he lies to you, that’s harming you and your marriage is a big difference.

Anne: Another word for harm is abuse in that context.

Leslie: Yes.

Anne: The pornography addiction recovery movement, they have this whole thing around, don’t shame him. Be safe for him to tell you. They’re putting all the pressure for him to feel good about himself on her. When he doesn’t feel good about himself. Because of what he does and the choices he makes.

Leslie: You’re absolutely right, Anne. If she’s muzzled and not allowed to share the impact of how that’s harmed her, because it hurts his feelings or upsets him.

Anne: All it is is manipulation. What does the Bible say about narcissistic abuse? It talks about safety and departing from wickedness.

Leslie: Exactly, and then what happens is the woman starts to feel like, what’s wrong with me that I can’t get over this? What’s wrong with me that I don’t want to kiss him anymore?

Living Free Workshop: What Does The Bible Say About Narcissistic Abuse?

Leslie: What’s wrong with me that he gives me the creeps? I’m a bad person, so she starts to assume that shame.

Anne: And that’s exactly what he wants, because then he can continue to exploit her. And so I wrote the Living Free Workshop as an alternative to communicating with someone who will use your communication to manipulate you further. To learn more, click on that link.

Leslie: Absolutely, his work is to decide what kind of man he wants to be.

Anne: Yes, I went through that myself, and observed from a safe distance. That was painful for me to sit back and watch those decisions be made. And think, wow, that is who he is and who he’s choosing to be.

Leslie: Yes, the most important thing is to focus on getting as healthy and strong as possible. So you’re not clinging to him like a beggar saying, please love me and please don’t leave me. And I’m too scared to be on my own. That you’re becoming the person your kids need, and that you’re going to like at the end of the day.

No woman gets married with the idea that I’m going to get divorced, especially people of faith. What does the Bible say about divorce? That for better or worse, the covenant and sanctity of marriage are all important values that we hold dear. However, when there’s no safety, the marriage relationship is dead, even if you stay legally married. And it’s sad, and it’s awful, but we need a death certificate so that we can move on. God acknowledges that in the scriptures.

The Reality Of Unsafe Marriages

Leslie: What does the Bible say about narcissistic abuse? In Malachi, it says I hate when a man trades his wife in for a younger model. I hate when you treat your wife treacherously. God hates that patriarchal culture of those days. But I think God is aware that you can’t make a relationship work with everybody. Even Jesus, who was perfect, couldn’t make his relationship with Judas work. Judas went and did what he wanted to do.

Anne: I had an epiphany about the three temptations of Christ when Satan’s like, throw yourself off a building. And I think he was tempting him with contention. I don’t think he was actually tempting him with throwing himself off a building. And if I had been in that scenario, I’d be like, Satan, you’re so stupid. Why would I throw myself off a building? And I would completely fall into the temptation of an argument.

Leslie: The interesting thing about that whole temptation is that Satan used scripture. And I think this is important for your audience Anne, because people, pastors, your mother, your father, your husband will use scripture to try to get you confused.

Jesus used scripture back to Satan. And that’s why it’s so important for us to know what God says about these things, because we can get spiritually abused. Narcissistic abusers use scripture to manipulate you. But the message Jesus is giving people is to empower them not to lose their dignity in a humiliating situation where someone’s trying to destroy your dignity.

Verbal & Emotional Abuse

Leslie: What does the Bible say about narcissistic abuse? The Bible is clear about certain kinds of abuse. In Colossians and Ephesians, Paul talks about abusive speech. Let no abusive speech come out of your mouth. James talks about abusive speech. It talks about reckless words pierced like a sword. And Proverbs talks about the damage of a relational betrayal. Psalms says your insults have broken my heart, and I am distraught.

So there’s a huge impact of verbal abuse on someone’s soul, spirit, and body. Any kind of abuse, chronic adultery and anger addictions are not marriage problems. They cause marriage problems, but they’re individual issues, and marriage counseling can’t solve them. When you have a husband who blames you for when he does those things, and then you go to counseling, and somehow you’re supposed to fix him and keep him from acting out in those abusive ways.

Women should understand narcissistic abuse. Whenever another person controls you, where you are no longer free to say, no, I don’t like this. Or this is what I want, or this is what I don’t want, or this is who I am, and this isn’t who I am. When someone’s trying to objectify you into someone in their image, instead of helping you become who you’re supposed to be. That is very destructive to your growth and character as a person.

But also when someone is totally indifferent to your needs, your wants, your cares, your hurts. And they’re just living for themselves, it’s saying to you, you don’t matter. You don’t matter at all. You’re married to someone who says you don’t matter.

Objectification In Relationships: What Does The Bible Say About Narcissistic Abuse?

Leslie: So it’s a relationship of object to person, like my cell phone. I love my cell phone as long as it does whatever I want, right? But, if my cell phone should say, I’m not going to work today because I’m tired. I’m like, get rid of this cell phone. I’ll find another cell phone, right? Because when you have an objective relationship with someone, you might say you love it, as long as it completely meets your needs.

But once it stops meeting your needs, it is disposable. And so many women are in these relationships with narcissistic men who objectify them. As long as you revolve your whole life around making me happy and making my life easy. And never cross me, and never disagree with me, and never bother me or ask me for anything. Just give, give, give to me. I’ll be somewhat nice to you. But if you ever want something that I have to sacrifice for you, forget it.

It’s not going to happen. And somehow they’re supposed to keep this relationship going when a healthy relationship requires mutuality and reciprocity. Women long for their husband to value them, but what I say is that the person who has to value you right now is you. What does the Bible say about narcissistic abuse? It says every living thing is important to God.

Documenting & Recognizing Gaslighting

Leslie: You encourage people to document to help them see that they’re being gaslighted. Because they can go back and say, wait a minute yesterday or two days ago, two weeks ago, he did say this. And he did say he would do this, and now he’s saying he never said it. But he did say it, because I remember writing it down. And I can prove to myself, even though I’m not going to convince him.

He’s going to lie and cover up and tell me I’m nuts, but I’m documenting my own sanity so that I can see that this is gaslighting or crazy making. Facts are really, really helpful. What does the Bible say about narcissistic abuse? God calls us to live in truth and reality. That’s why the patterns are so important for you to pay attention to.

Let me just give you a quick illustration. I was teaching my pastors at my church, I said, okay, so let’s say someone was texting and they crashed into your car. And pulled out of the parking lot. They weren’t paying attention. And they jumped out of the car. They said, pastor, I am so sorry I crashed into your car and it was an accident. I didn’t mean it, but you know, the Bible says love covers a multitude of sins.

And love keeps no record of wrongs. And I’m so glad you’re the pastor, because I know you’ll forgive me, bye. All the pastors laughed and they said, We would never let that happen. I said, and so let’s say he did it next Sunday and the Sunday after that. Even if you were gracious the first Sunday, and he kept doing it over and over again, you’d say, do not come back to this church.

Christian Teachings & Misinterpretations

Leslie: But our Christian teaching said, your husband can act like the devil, but you’re supposed to pretend like he’s Superman. Like you’re supposed to praise him, encourage him, and build him up. And never say, wait a minute, you’re acting like a fool. I’m not doing this. So a husband can drive a family straight off the cliff. And a wife is supposed to submit, smile, and trust God. That’s just not reality, nor does God ask her to do that.

And so they feel entitled. Especially in marriage, I’m entitled to sex whenever I want. It doesn’t matter how I treated you. Your body is not your own, and they’ll use scripture to confuse a woman. I’m entitled to get out of consequences because you have to forgive me. I’m entitled to have my cake and eat it too. And I’m entitled to hurt you. That’s why it’s so crazy that betrayal trauma counselors would involve a wife.

It’s not possible, it’s impossible. Even if you wanted to. Let’s say your husband is a diabetic. And you feel sorry for him, and you want to help him manage his diabetes. So you’re gonna cook right, and you’re gonna buy all the right food, and you’re gonna do everything. And, you know, count his carbs and do all that, and you see him on the couch eating Doritos and donuts. You can’t make someone do what they don’t want to do.

Anne: He lies to manipulate you so you think, of course he doesn’t want to act like this. He’s an addict, broken and experienced childhood abuse. He’s a really good guy. He doesn’t want to do this. What does the Bible say about narcissistic abuse? It says tell the truth.

Entitlement & Manipulation: What Does The Bible Say About Narcissistic Abuse?

Anne: He just keeps doing it accidentally or something. Like, I don’t know. You’re trying to figure it out. He wants you to believe he doesn’t want to do it. And that he’s fighting demons or struggling. That’s the mark of a truly manipulative man is that he continues to do the behavior while making you think he doesn’t want to do it. If he didn’t want to do it, he wouldn’t have done it in the first place. Like, have you ever solicited a prostitute? No, because you didn’t want to.

Leslie: When he’s sorrowing like that, when he’s, Oh, I’m so horrible and blah, blah, listen to what he’s sorrowing about. Because usually it’s not about who he is. It’s not like he’s saying, I’ve been a liar. I’ve been a cheater. I don’t want to be that kind of man. I want to be a good husband. He’s not saying that. What he’s saying is, I can’t believe you’ll leave me. I’ll be all by myself. How am I going to make it without you? I’m not going to have my …

He’s sorrowing over the consequences. He’s not sorrowing over his character. So that would be one big red flag that would help you discern where he’s at. What does the Bible say about narcissistic abuse? There’s this interesting story in the Old Testament, where Naaman had leprosy, and was told Elisha could cure him of his leprosy, he was not a Jew. he goes to Elisha’s house And he bangs on the door, and Elisha doesn’t even answer the door.

He says, man of Israel, come out and help me. I have leprosy. The King of Israel told me that you would heal me.

Victim Blaming

Leslie: He said, go wash yourself in the Jordan River. Dip yourself seven times. He didn’t even open the door. And Naaman was outraged. How dare he talk to me this way? Who is he think he is?

Anne: Elijah’s like, I’m not going to subject myself to leprosy. I’m not opening the door until he doesn’t have leprosy.

Leslie: Why not open the door? Why is this such a big deal to you? This is just marriage, exactly how things go. This is exactly how men treat women. Don’t get so upset over it. Don’t get your knickers in a knot. Men watch pornography. Just let them do it. That’s what they’re going to do, right? Men will be men. Men will cheat. I mean, I’ve heard that so many times.

I had a client once whose husband sexually molested her daughter and all her little friends at her birthday party. They were like six years old, and it was horrible. He was the youth pastor, was arrested, had a trial and everything. And put in jail, and his parents still blamed her. Like, you’ve made this all up. You’ve vilified our son. You’ve ruined his career.

Anne: Uchhh, that’s awful. I hear stories like that frequently. Victims are trying to get help, they’re doing the right thing by going for help. But they don’t anticipate that a pastor, friend or family member is not going to help them, in fact is going to hurt them.

Which is why strategy is so important. So before you do anything, make sure you check out the strategies in The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Living Free Workshop, because that will help you how to get to safety strategically. So that the helping people you go to don’t harm you in the process.

Examples From The Bible

Leslie: Part of it in the Christian world anyway is that we have made an idol out of marriage. That we value marriage above the safety and sanity of the people in the marriage. When a woman begins to say, I don’t want this, that can seem rebellious in a conservative Christian family. How dare you break up the family? She hasn’t broken the family up. She’s just exposed the truth.

What does the Bible say about narcissistic abuse? Ephesians, says, do not cover over the unfruitful deeds of darkness, but rather expose them. It’s like pulling a blanket off of a ground with roaches underneath. Nobody wants to see that. So just leave it, leave it alone. It’s ugly. You talk about this clash of values and the interesting thing about it is God himself has a clash of values. What does the Bible say about narcissistic abuse? In the Bible, for example, in the 10 commandments, it says, thou shalt not lie. So that’s one of God’s highest values. It’s in the 10 commandments.

And yet when Rahab lied to keep the Israelite spies safe from the people from her own land, seeking to kill them. She lied. She said they went that way when they were really hiding in another place. God commended her, saved her life. And actually, she’s in the Hebrew’s hall of fame as an amazing woman. So there’s a safety value God has. Another example, God says his value is that we should obey and submit to our authorities.

So here we have two examples. One in the Old Testament, one in the New Testament, where King Saul was David’s authority, and yet Saul was treacherous.

Getting To Safety: What Does The Bible Say About Narcissistic Abuse?

He was trying to kill David because he was jealous of him. And David fled. He didn’t say, Now, David, trust me and stay put and suffer and sacrifice, and I’ll keep … No! He said, Get out of Dodge! And David did. And when baby Jesus was under Herod’s authority, and Herod sought to kill all the babies under the age of two.

God woke Joseph up in a dream. He didn’t say, now Herod’s going to try to kill baby Jesus, but just stay put and I’ll keep you all safe. He said, flee. And the Bible says the prudent see danger and take refuge.

Leslie: So this hierarchy of values, you can’t stay healthy, be healthy, get healthy, or provide healthy for your children. If you’re living in fear and terror all the time. And so safety is an important value to God. And it’s not wrong for you to create safety. Our brain has two channels. One is safety and one is growth. And if the safety channel is hijacked because you are in an unsafe environment, you’re not worried about growth when you’re worried about your safety.

You’re just worried about safety. And so children who grow up in an environment where there’s a lot of turmoil, screaming, and lack of safety. Their growth channel of learning and maturing, and all that is shut down because safety comes first. And so we have to recognize it. Safety, physical safety, emotional safety, financial safety, sexual safety, spiritual safety. These are important values to God, and we do not have to be apologetic or ashamed for taking them to heart in our own life.

Anne: What does the Bible say about narcissistic abuse? Yeah, getting to safety is what God wants for us.

Strategic Responses To Abuse

Anne: He says over and over in the scriptures that we need to separate ourselves from wickedness. Touch, not the unclean things, stuff like that. We’re commanded to separate ourselves from wickedness. If we choose to divorce to create safety in our lives, God is proud of us. That does provide a layer of safety. Because they’re not living in your space.

It can provide a layer of financial safety in some ways. In some ways, you’re less financially safe, obviously, but it doesn’t stop him from continuing to abuse you, especially through the court system. And we’ve covered this on so many episodes.

Anne: It’s also why that strategy is important. And why I wrote The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Living Free Workshop, so that you can anticipate the safety issues that will arise.

Leslie: Yeah, what does the Bible say about narcissistic abuse? Jesus says to his disciples to be as shrewd as serpents, but as innocent as doves. In other words, he’s saying there will be some people who will be out there to harm you, and you better be shrewd about that. The narcissist or the abuser will try to pull you into it. The more he can make you look bad, the more ammo he has against you with your children.

And this is such an important part to stay clear, don’t get into arguments or defend yourself with them. Don’t get into long explanations. Don’t get into trying to understand each other. It’s not going to work in marriage. It’s not going to work in divorce. Because if it becomes boring for him to interact with you, because he’s not getting anything out of it, then he might not do it as much.

Avoiding Contention

Leslie: But if he can provoke you, especially in front of your kids or someone else, and make you look like a bad guy and make him look like the victim, he’s going to do it as much as possible. So be strategic. Get some coaching on how to be strategic. If you’ve been married to a narcissist or narcissistic abuser. Understand they have two high values. One is always to be right. And one is to always win. So pick your battles. Because they will fight you on the littlest thing to win.

So don’t show your cards, and if you don’t show what matters to you, they can’t try to win because they don’t know. So it’s better for you to stay more silent and not say, I want the kids for Christmas this year. Or this is important to me. Because as soon as you let him know that, he will try to hurt you with that. So keep your cards close to your vest, and don’t share a whole lot, and be strategic.

So that they think they’re winning and you get what you need, which is peace and quiet and not being attacked all the time. And that will take some coaching and strategy. And when you’re part of a group of other women, like Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group, you see smart, talented, beautiful women who have also been rejected. Who have also been abused. You’re starting to say, wait a minute, this isn’t my problem. This isn’t our problem as a woman. It’s a problem in the culture. It’s a problem with men.

Support & Community

Leslie: And I’m not going to feel the shame of his sin anymore. Because I have other women who I see are just as hurt and as normal. And just as talented and beautiful as they can be. Their husband still did this to them. And so it helps detoxify, I think, the shame of what their husband has done.

Anne: Yeah, it’s true. Knowing other incredible women helped me feel better. And what does the Bible say about narcissistic abuse? Because I thought, okay, this has nothing to do with me. And just like Leslie said, strategy is so important. So check out The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Living Free Workshop at this link. Leslie, thank you so much for sharing your thoughts on what does the Bible say about narcissistic abuse today.

Leslie: Thanks, Anne, being with you is my pleasure.